Not fair

I just burst out crying for the first time in weeks. I can still be slapped across the face with a memory. I'll show you what's no fair asshole. Not fair is me crying over some stupid guy how is not worth my time. Me being hurt because I trusted you. I gave you me. Not fair is me not be able to be myself around a new guy because of you. Not fair me having to wait to have sex until a test comes back, but you can fuck who ever you want. Not fair me scared that my vagina might have to be frozen. Not fair my fear of someday not being able to have children. Not fair is the time I wasted with you instead of being with my family. Not fair is putting your needs & wants before my own. Not fair is me giving up my apartment. Not fair is the past 5 months of my life. Not fair is her not knowing who you really are. Not fair is me knowing who you are & not being able to help another avoid your pain. Not fair is how much I want to beat the shit out of something. Not fair is me forgetting everything I need at the store because I saw your fucking car. Not fair. I will show you not fair when you realize what you lost. Not fair is having a hard semester made harder because of the emotional roller coster you had me on for it. Not fair is knowing I am better than this, better than you, but I still stayed with you. Not fair is me listening to you over others I trusted more telling me no. Not fair, I will show you not fair. Not fair is how alone I feel, how empty I am. Not fair is you hiding behind God when he knows what you have done. Not fair is what your ganna say when God passes judgement on you.

It's been a while

Lots of new things since my last post. I've been blogging on myspace a lot, so this one gets put on the back burner. I moved in with some strangers the thursday before Thanksgiving. It's going really well! My room mate is super nice & we get along perfectly! We talk when we are both home & its not weird. I think I'm a better people person & better at conversation now than I have ever been! My personality is changing. I feel so much better about myself & more confident. I really needed this change.

I've been hanging out with this guy from work. He is nice & we have fun, but he only invites me out to the bars with him. I'm not a big fan of bars, but I have been going because I want to hang out with him. Yesterday he asked if I wanted to go to lunch with him. I said no because I had just eaten. He said that was cool then a little bit later asked if I wanted to hang out. I was like sure. It was 5pm & he took me to the bar! I was not expecting it & had plans with a friend at 7. I told him I didn't want to be around the smoke. He said that since it was 5 there wouldn't be anyone smoking & I would be fine. Shortly after we got there he started smoke & smoked like 4 in the 1.5 hours we were there! It kinda pisses me off. He just expects that I will go out with him everytime he askes. Today he asked if I was ganna hang out with him again. I said no because he is not going out until 11:30. I have a bunch of homework to get done & stuff to do tomorrow & I don't want to be hung over while trying to do them. He sent a message back saying I need to ask to hang out next time because I keep telling him no. I'm just sick of going to the bars, smelling bad, & feeling like crap the next day! Seriously! I'm sure he didn't mean it as rude. He is from another country too, so there is a cuture difference. Well anyways I need to get to sleep. I think that's all the news I have anyways. Only 1 week left of classes then finals week! Yay!