I'm on a boat!

My dad got a new boat the other day & it's sweet! It has beds & stuff but can still go fast! I'm planning on a boat party Saturday so if your interested just let me know! It's kinda like my very late graduation party! Hopefully Betty doesn't have me working when she puts out the new schedule. Work sucks still. The head is still not catching on. The other day she comes up to me & asks "There's a light bulb out, what do I do?" Are you kidding me? You fucking change it! Later I asked her if she changed it & she said she couldn't reach the box & walked away. WTF lady?! Me & Frankie joke around about her & others all the time. I'm ganna miss her! Hmm what else.... I really really miss Stephen! 2 weeks is a long time! The first week was nice. It gave me some alone time, but this 2nd week is killing me! Good thing he will be here on Wed! Then he leaves on Sunday for AK for a week. Hopefully I will get time off in August for our Grand Canyon trip. I'm excited for it, but I have a feeling I will not get the days off. I keep thinking about Saturday!!! It's ganna be sweet. I'll probably stay the night on the boat Friday & possible Saturday night! I am soo excited! I think I'm more excited about my dads boat than he is! Or maybe I just show it more! Either way I can't wait!!! Stephen talks to me every night. I have started 1 of the conversations & he has talked to me first the rest of the time! I love it! It seems easy & fun. Which is great! The boys keep making jokes about it. It's funny but embarrassing too! Here is an example. Stephen & I showed up at Jon's house (where I live) Jon turns to Ed & says Oh look Stephens here. Do you know what he is here for? Ed says no, What? Jon says to fuck your sister. Makes me blush just thinking about it. There are other stories, but I like that one!

I am ganna fall asleep! I did laundry yesterday morning then came back at 11pm. I get off at 7am just to be back here at 7:30am. It sucks! I don't know why Betty makes me do these 16 hr days! Oh well hopefully I find a job that uses my degree soon! Well I better go set up breakfast!

Wow, BUSY!

I hardly have time to think about my life let alone make blog posts! I have a boyfriend now. I really super like him. His name is Stephen. We went camping a while ago then up to the Paris Ice Caves & Bloomington lake. Both where very pretty & a first for me. I had a great time. Then the other day we went fishing with his dad & brother at Palsades (probably spelled wrong!). I had worked all night so I slept for a while in the boat. lol Great first impression for his family I'm sure. His mom talked to me about the hospital positions I was applying for. Didn't get either one, this town does not want to hire me for anything! I got my diploma in the mail a few days ago!! Yay me! I'm working on getting a frame for it. The new head housekeeper is driving me crazy! She doesn't seem to be progressing which is frustrating when we have a full house! She was supposed to be the head today, but I was making all the decisions & running around like a crazy person! It makes me sick! I got over time! In the past 2 weeks I have worked over 90 hours! I hardly have time to breathe! Plus at just above min wage the money does not stack up. Drives me crazy, but until Stephen starts paying my bills what can a girl do? ; ) I'm living with Jon now. It's going well. I do the inside work & he does the outside. It's nice to have a clean house & be able to cook. Ed & Dan still drop by for dinner here & there which is nice. Makes me feel like I'm a good cook! I think that's really all the news I have. I feel like I run run run & at the end of the day I have done nothing! Ugh I miss Stephen. We have only been together for a short time, but he makes me really happy. I have not been this happy in I don't know how long. I love going into the wood with him or just sitting around. It's all good. I also really like that my family already knows & likes him so I don't have to worry about that. Another thing that makes me like him is that he is not stuck to this valley. I really like it here, but I don't have to be here. He is the same way. He would move for a better life. He has also been out in the world. He has not just stayed here. I wish he had a college education, but he has knowledge. That's good. He's a very nice change of pace. I would describe him as the nice cool glass of water you crave after you've been drinking lemonade. Sure lemonade is good, but nothing beats a glass of water. That's probably really corny, but it makes sense to me!

An update, its been a while!

2 June 2009
Wow it has been an adventure moving back to BL. Some bad & some good. On the trip back to Moscow with Mar for my last load of stuff it took about 12 hours to get there & 13 hours back to BL. We made a bunch of stops. On the way home we stopped & talked to my Aunt Martha & Ryan for about 2 hours then we stopped in Twin Falls to have lunch at the falls. It was fun, but long! It has taken me many, many hours to get this house looking semi presentable. It’s cleaner now than it has ever been! Ed got mad & threw a huge fit the end of Mayish. He just snapped & started throwing shit. He threw my tot across the room then a clothes dryer thing. It hit my arm & gave me a cut. It didn’t bleed, but I might get a scare from it. I’m not very impressed. Ed did apologize & has been very helpful since, so its all good in the hood.
I went on a date with Stephen Friday the 29th. We then went to SLC on Sunday with Alex. Oh on that Thursday we went to a graduation party for some of the high school kids & Stephen thought it would be a good idea to throw some old light poles or something into the fire. Yeah cut his finger open & I went with him to the hospital to get stitches. It was great fun. We then went to another graduation party up Mill Canyon after the stitches. It ruined my buzz. Group of people I didn’t care to be around. On our date on Friday we went to Logan. Stephen was ganna take me to this place that had rides, but it was closed, so we went to the zoo. It was fun we just walked around & talked. When we went to SLC it was to help his cousins get through the city then we just came back. When we got back we took Alex home then went for a drive around the lake. He’s a very nice guy. I’m impressed. He’s at work now for 2 weeks! Ugh! But then he get 2 off & the plan is to go to Lagoon for our second date. I am very excited for it! I love Lagoon & have not been since 8th grade! = )
Work is going good I guess. I am an assistant head housekeeper & I work the front desk. I have my first solo front desk shift on Saturday. Tomorrow I work at 7am in housekeeping then go in at 4 for more training, then again at 12 for training. It’s ganna be a busy day, but I like it that way. I’m applying for a CFO position at the hospital. It doesn’t seem likely that I will get it, but I want to try anyways. Who knows.
Hmm what else. Oh Scribbles! She does not like to stay around very well. Tonight she was out in the road. Grr… She is doing better now than she did when I first moved here, but she has some work to do. The neighbor’s dog attached her once, have not seen the dog since. If he/she does it again I will call the cops. It is nice to have her around. She makes me feel better. I can always play with her. I do feel bad that she has to be locked up a lot cuz I’m busy. I was letting her run around my room but she kept getting into shit. One day she ripped open a few bag I had laying around & opened a box of Alex’s toothpaste, another day she shredded a roll of toilet paper. So now she gets locked in the kennel. Poor puppy, but she needs to be good. She is getting fixed on Tuesday. I’m taking her & Sissy to Soda to get it done. I hope everything goes ok. I’m attached to both dogs. They are so funny when they play together. I really like Stephen. I hope things go ok there too. It’s a little weird that he is Ed’s friend, but at the same time it’s not. I don’t have to worry about my family getting along with him. Ed has already used the line “He was my friend first.” Ed always tells these out landish stories. I do it too, but not to the extreme that he does. He tried to tell me the other day that the drawer under the stove was the broiler. I was like Um no. He is really good at it too. I never can tell, luckily I’m getting used to it.


Since the 2nd not much has happened. I'm working my first solo shift right now & its all coming back fairly easily. Which is very nice. My grandma went to the hospital last night. She was having trouble breathing, but they didn't find anything wrong. She is a diabetic & ate a bunch of chocolate cake so that's probably what was causing the problems. I love my grandma, but she needs to smarten up about her health. My mother of course went into a frenzy about her going to the hospital. She is driving me bat shit crazy! Well I'm not very into typing right now. So I'll write more later!

Stressed out Tongue

So this is what my tongue looks like! It hurts so bad! I can hardly move my tongue with out pain. I took this pic after I scrubbed the shit out of it with my tooth brush, held salt on it, and used mouth wash. Hopefully a few days of that treatment will make it go away. It typically works, but ya never know. I hope it doesn't grow anymore, its already huge. I used to get these fairly frequently, but not recently. This is my first one this year, I think. They usually come from stress. It tastes like metal when they first start growing, but now it just makes my mouth water nonstop.



I got flowers from my Macy's peeps! They are so pretty! I'm not a big fan of getting cut flowers, but these one are very pretty! I love them! I like to get potted plants so I can keep them longer. Hopefully this summer I will have a garden. I know my dad has got some peppers & probably tomatoes for it, but I want a big one like I had back in the day.

I need to go to the library & study today. I don't really want to, but I need to get at least D's on my finals! A would be best, but I'm not picky! lol I'm ganna go make some grilled cheese & turkey sandwiches & hopefully I will be able to eat them.

Don't Waste Your Time on Me, Your Already a Voice Inside My Head

Here is Scribbles sleeping in Thunder Jim. She is the cutest dog ever!

I love getting up early! I got up at 4:45am today. I thought it was ganna suck, but I just woke up & got going. Plus there was no one around at 5:30 when I was walking to campus. It was quiet & calm. Kinda like me = ) But it was all useless today. I got to Kappa Delta & the thought of shit I hope I have my vandal card hit me. Too late to turn back, so I just said 'let us pray' & kept going. Sure enough my card was not on me! Fuck! Can't get into the Rec without it! So I guess I get to fail step & sculpt. Which excites me to not end! I'm hoping to talk with my instructor about it before class. It just sucks that this is the last week of school! I might have to sleep Food Sci on friday to make it up. Ugh! Oh well I had a great morning! I was pissed for like 2 minutes, but its a great day. If you count rain as a great day, but its very pretty (again like me = )). Plus I'm just chillin in the fish bowl listening to music. Should be doing homework, but fuck that shit! So I had another group freak out. I don't know what it is about this semester, but groups blow! This guy has been making the trades for our team. Guess that does not make him happy. I've been too busy to get the chance to figure out the program, plus I have no motivation to do it. Oops. I'm not sure if we are meeting or not. I've been emailing them. I opened some space up this morning, I'll have to be late at Macy's, but I need these points! Ugh.. I don't want to think about it.

On a side note Blink 182 is quickly becoming my favorite band! I never really thought about them before. I've liked their music, but recently I can't get enough! I really really really need to update my iPod. I have some places to get music, but my connector cable thing is packed away somewhere. Probably in BL, so when I get to it I'll have freaking dial up! I guess I could put the music on my computer now & transfer later! I'm a freaking genius!

Mar told me last night that a girl from my town, a few years older than me, had her husband die this past weekend. Just out of the blue gone & they don't know why. She has a 4 month old baby too! I can't imagine what that feels like. Having someone leave you is different from having someone be taken away. I'm still undecided on the whole after life thing, but still until death there is life alone. This brings me to my next point, love is useless. Sure its great, amazing, wonderful, & all that, but it can be gone in a moment. (Side note:I just saw a lady give her computer the thumbs up, odd) You have no control over when it come or when it goes. Family is the only thing that's constant. At least for me its the only constant. Even I don't stay constant. What I want, what I need changes so frequently I can hardly keep up with myself! Life is so short that I don't want to waste it being alone, but its also too short to live with pain. I can not wait to be back with my family! I'm super stoked! Alex is so freaking cute & I don't want to miss out on anything else! I want to take her to school, I want to watch her grow, I want to help her grow. There are so many things I missed out on as a child that I want her to experience. I don't want her to live out my childhood dreams by any means, I just want her to take chances. Explore her world. I wish I would have taken dancing lessons as a child. Her thing is cheerleading. Who the fuck knows why, but its her choice. I want her to do things like that. I would also like her to take piano. Don't know how I'm ganna make that happen, but I'll do my best!

I am starting to have doubts about moving back. I know its just cold feet, but I'm nervous all the same. I don't want to get stuck in some useless job. I still want to do something with my life. I don't want to be famous, but I want to have a purpose. A part of me wants to just be a stay at home wife, but I would not be satisfied by that. I like kids & we get along, but I don't want to be a baby maker. I don't want my purpose in life to be to have children. I want to go to work, wear cute girly suits, and crunch numbers or manage people or something. I also want to work somewhere that I dress up for work. I don't want to become humdrum. I don't want to be that lady that gets married & turns into a man. My mom was a cute enough girl, but look now. I know she smokes & does not take care of herself, but still I don't want that to happen to me. She is my motivation to treat myself better. I'm so glad Alex has me for girl stuff. I wish I would have had me when I was little! Being a tom boy wasn't bad, but I like girl stuff! Wow this blog is way longer than I had planned. (Side note: Same lady just gave her computer the hands in the air what sign. Similar to what I do when someone pisses me off while driving. What a weirdo. She does look familiar though...) Well I don't really know what else I need to get out. Oh I got a kitchen aid! It's purple! I wrote about it on myspace. I'm so excited to use it! I can not wait!! I showed it to Claudine last night & we had a good talk about it. She has one too & loves it! I'm so glad no one has said, Zana this is the worst thing you could have ever done with your money! It was not an impulse buy, but it was still a huge purchase! I'm glad I did it though & I'm sure in 30 years I will feel the same way! Well I'm ganna go dink around on the internet for another 15-20 minutes then go to class.

Premarital Sex

I'm feeling like ranting about premarital sex & young marriage. Tonight I had a conversation with my BFF & cousin. I told her I was jealous of her kids & family. She said she was jealous of my being able to do whatever I want. If I had to chose between my current life & a family life. I would stay with what I have. I love kids & the thought of marriage, but I'm 22! I still have a lot of things to explore! If I would have waited to have sex until marriage I would not be happy with my life. I would feel like I was missing out on the "party life". I have wanted to have sex since I can remember! This blog is going to be very personal so I hope your ready! The second boy I kissed I went "all the way" with. I'm not ashamed of this. It's life, it's what I wanted. I would not change it. I don't even think I would change the guy, well maybe... Anyways... Now I'm lost.... Oh premarital sex. What's the deal with it anyways? Sex is natural & what humans are supposed to do. It feels so good & bring so much more into life! The emotion & raw connection is unlike anything else! Even with everything that has happened to me from sex I would not go back. I would protect myself better. I would not let the words "I love you" effect my safety & the way I protect myself. Being a virgin to me is soo old school & even in the olden days there where still people romping around. Here's the thing to, so I save myself for some guy who has not saved himself for me. What's the point? Great you saved yourself for a guy who is ganna give you an STD! Congrats to you! I could almost laugh in the face of a virgin, but I wouldn't. That's not who I am. I have friends that are waiting. A part of me is happy for them. They have a personal goal & they are keeping to it, but at the same time I am very sad. They are missing out on being young! This comes back to my cousins being jealous of me & my life style. The grass is always greener on the other side of the river, but I love my green grass!! Well it's actually purple but that's a minor detail in the story of my life! Sometimes religious people come up to me in Commons & want to talk, but I always say I'm busy because I don't want to get into a discussion about what I believe. I'm not even sure about what I believe & I don't want to hear about their Jesus & God. I feel that religion is different for everyone. Honestly what is God. I think he is an idea. One of my favorite movie quotes is "God is just an imaginary friend for grown-ups". That is probably one of the only movie quotes I know, besides Austin Powers of course. That quote rings true for me. Right now I don't need an imaginary friend. I have real friends who help me. I would rather have a real shoulder than air. That's just me though. Wow this blog is going the religious route. Oh well it's mine & I do what I want! So yeah this God guy. I have just recently started using an upper case G for God. That's a step in the right direction, right Jesus freaks? Ok that was mean. I just don't get it though. Why devote your life to an imaginary friend when you can devote your life to having fun or the earth or your family?

Wow I have a lot on my mind. I find myself falling for the shy really nice guys that wont touch me or the asshole who don't care. A friend just pointed out to me that both are somewhat self conscience. They don't have much confidence in who they are or what they want. I also don't understand people who change themselves for the people they are with. I can understand picking up new things from another person like new experiences & hobbies, but to change your personality. What is that? Why first off would you lie to yourself about who your are? Second why would you lie to another person about who you are? It's not fair to either party involved. Oh well. A lie is a lie, and this God knows that. He knows I have lied, he also knows that I live with it everyday. I know the lies I have told, I know the wrong things I have done & I am not ready to repent of those things. Hmm interesting I start off about premarital sex & now I'm on repenting. My mind is running. I'm thinking about taking Alex to church when I'm there. Not for my benefit, but for her. She does not know what Christmas is about or Easter or anything! She can recognize Jesus, which surprises me. I love that girl so much! I love Scribbles too! Daniel sent me a pic of her today & I have been smiling all day! The joy & pride I have is over whelming! I cannot wait to be with them! That's my God, my religion. This feeling I get, this hope I have for them, the joy & excitement I feel. This to me is religion. I don't need to be in a church or pray or read the bible. I just need my family. Sure this all goes away, but it does not take much to bring me back to what's important. Getting that pic of Scribbles reminded me about them. It gave me the drive to keep going in school. Gave me the push to do my homework. To study, to be better. Oh man! I think I'm done ranting. I just felt overwhelmed & needed to write a little! & a little note if your a fake person the only one your ganna hurt is the people you love. Hopefully you can come clean to those people & they can help you find who you truly are. I am Zana Flo Wirth & I like myself. I love who I am becoming. I am strong, stable, and I know who I want to be. I love myself. I hate some of the choices I have made, but that's in the past & I have learned from those mistakes. My family is proud of me & I am proud of myself. Oh I told Alex today that I wish I would have named her FloEtta. She laughed. She thinks the name is funny, but she also would like to have the same name as me. She makes up names for me, today she called me Zana Lynn Wirth. She cracks me up! I cannot wait to be with her! I'm ganna put a pic in now that prompted this blog!

23 Days Left!!

Yay!! I'm excited to almost be done!! Plus the weather is great! I've been leaving early for class so I can just stroll to campus & enjoy the sun! Too bad I sent most of my summer clothes home with Jon! I was not even thinking! I guess I'll just have to go shopping = ) I'm nervous though that gas prices will keep going up, so I need to keep money in the bank for gas. I do need some new flip flops/sandals. Mine are ganna break soon, I'm sure of it! I've had them for like 7 years though, so they have done their time! Ugh my work home dog is asking about my fb status. I don't like talking about my status after the fact. It just brings back what I was thinking. Ppl typically ask me about the bad ones too! Oh well. I have to get to class now though. Just wanted to make a little note of being excited for graduation! = )