Confused or Tired, not sure which!

I'm feeling a lot of things right now. I feel like I should have had a different wedding. I keep looking at other peoples wedding pictures & I'm jealous that I didn't have anything like what they have. I loved my reception & wedding, it was me, but sometimes I wish it was more. I really feel like I need to cry. Not sure why. I have been crying a little everyday. For random reasons. Mostly Denise, but other things too. I can't help but think that my life is missing something exciting. I want something great to happen. I want so much right now! I want a new car, my kitchen, a laundry room, a fenced in yard, iPad, Stephen home every night, oh the list could go on for days! Wow I really need to sleep! Maybe I'll finish this later. Gotta get some wood then pass out!

Lost Life...

Wow it has been a long time since I blogged! I wish it was for better reasons, but its a sad post. Denise died. I've cried for the past few days off & on. She was such a great person. Always happy. I didn't know her as well as I would have liked to, but isnt that always the story? She is the closets person to me that has died. My Grandpa Wirth died when I was in 2nd grade. I don't remember much about him. He was always quiet. I remember seeing him & he was in the hospital bed in the living room, or he was in the hospital. The next time he was fine & gave us all hugs. Then he was gone. I remember going to the viewing. I walked up to the casket & seeing him laying there. My cousin Ben was laughing. I knew that wasn't right for him to be laughing. I remember my dad crying at the funeral & my mom made me switch her spots so she could sit by him. The next funeral I went to was a classmates. I didn't know him either. Just knew him from school. I didn't see the body. I just went cuz I was in the choir & we sang at it. My Uncle Roy died while I was in high school. He had complications with mixing his meds & alcohol. From what I hear it was not on purpose, someone gave it to him as joke & it killed him. He come up a few times in the summers when I was a kid. He had a different girlfriend every time he came up. He was nice. Helped my dad do some projects with the house. Adding the attic & with the chimney. When I was little we would go to the lake every weekend with the Kallstrom family & we would camp for a week out there with them. I would go babysit for them when they needed me. I remember I was babysitting for them when it was new years 2000. I was nervous because of all the Y2K things. Like the power was going to go out & all that. Nothing happened! lol I remember babysitting another time & I was making dinner. I had Kataya helping me stir the noodles. I talked to her about not touching the hot stove. I moved the pan to dump the noodle in the stainer. I turned to get her down & she put her hand on the burner. I was scared I was going to get into trouble. I put her hand in water & called Denise. She didn't get mad! She just said that I did the right thing getting it into water. She stopped by & checked on it. She was glad that I knew what to do & went back out. I felt bad that I let them down, but I was happy that I knew what to do. Denise & Jeff came to my reception. They even came a day early! lol I am so happy they came! Stephens family out numbered mine by a lot & I felt happy that they took the time to come. It's still hard for me to believe she is gone. She was always so happy & willing to help. I know she tried to help my grandma manage her diabetic issues. I've been preparing myself for my grandma passing away, but I didn't think anyone else would be going so soon. My grandma has pancreas cancer. The doctors gave her a few years to live. The cancer is staying the same & they cant do surgery. I just hope Denise is happy where she is now. If there is a life after death I'm sure she is happy to be reunited with her son & father, but we will miss her here. I feel so bad for her girls. She was a great mother & now they have to face the world alone. Life is hard without a mother. I can only image what it is like to lose a mother, especially one that loved you & wanted the best for you. RIP Denise. You will be missed!

Life has been going good for me besides this last week. I can't believe I haven't wrote in a long time! The wedding was really basic & fast. I liked it. Wish it was a little different, but its all done & it was good. I just keep thinking about the woman Denise was & what I want to be. She will always be an example to me. I wish I had mother like her. I know this is hitting Nancy hard. My heart hurts for her. 49. Way too young to be gone! The other day I was asking Alex what she was going to do with her money. I said she should put it in the bank cuz college is getting expensive. My smart, wanting the best for her kids, said then she just wont go. Like are you kidding me? Would you rather your child end up like you? Get pregnant just to keep a nigger?(thank you Chris Rock) Does she not see the struggles she went through/is going through? She is married to a man who doesn't love her & only is around because of the kids. That is not a good life for us kids or for my dad. What is she thinking? Makes me so fucking mad. Sometimes I just want to punch her, I don't though cuz I know it wont help anything. I just walk away & do my best to not come into contact with her. I hope Alex is smart enough to see that life is not over after high school. I love the campaign about going on after high school. I would love to see Alex be a doctor. She is smart enough & with some encouragement she can make it. If I would have had a stronger push for college & more support I might have done better & went on for a masters. Had I picked a better major I would have done lots better too! I love her so much! I would hate to see her talent crushed by her mother. I will do my best to support her in whatever life throws at her. I want her to know that she can do whatever she wants. She is so smart & beautiful that she can do whatever she wants. I just have to keep her from listening to her mother. I just hate that I have to fight to get her to understand her potential & that the world is full of amazing things. This is just making me mad. I better go clean.