Waiting....

This post is pretty much exactly like my last post. I still miss Daniel so much. Everyday I hurt for him. Waiting. That is all I am doing. I wait for him to walk through the door when I'm at gpas. I wait for him to txt me about picking up Sissy. I wait for any sign that this is all just one fucked up dream. It's starting to wear down my spirit, my marrage, my job, everything. I can't take much more of this pain & loneliness. I feel like no one knows what I'm going through. Tonight I googled 'my brother committed suicide.' That kind of helped, but not really. Some of the blogs I read just made me hurt worse. Some people had been without their brother for years, 21 years for one, and they all feel the same way I do right now! It never gets easier. Some people say it will get easier with time. Fuck that! It gets worse! Just makes me even more depressed to think that I have been without my baby brother for almost 9 months! 9 fucking months without my best friend. The one person who knows exactly why I do not like my mother & who I can talk openly about that issue with. No one exept Daniel can relate to me & my childhood. Ed doesn't help me much at all. I try to tell Ed things I would have told Daniel, but he doesn't get it. He can't help the way Daniel did. Anything I needed, ANYTHING he would be right over & happily do it for or with me. I can't leave town because I don't have anyone to watch my dogs & horses. Sure Mr. Caywood or my dad could, but Daniel was happy to have something to do. Or at least me made me feel like he loved helping me & taking care of the animals. He asked me if he could ride Lulu Bell & I said, "I would prefer if you didn't." I should have said yes. I should have told him yes a lot more. I just wanted to help him grow up & be responsible. Maybe I pushed to hard or was to hard on him. I should have been there for him. I keep getting memories of things we did together. Today was the first day it snowed. I love waking up to the first snow. Not today. I keep thinking about a day in high school when it had snowed a lot during the night. Daniel & I drove around before school & messed around. It was a lot of fun. This hunting season has been so hard. I keeping thinking about how Daniel & I killed our first deer on the same day. I killed a 2 point & he killed what he thought was a doe, but it had little nubbins. I went hunting with my dad this weekend. We walked around our usual places. My favorite place is Mahogony ridge. The first time I went there Daniel & I had to sit on the edge together & watch. Another time we were walking around the ridge together & something was making noise in the trees. Behind us a bull moose came walking out of the bowl. I was scared, but I always felt better when Daniel was around. I always wanted to be strong for him & he could always make me feel safe. Anyways as we were almost back to the wheeler this same bull moose showed up again. Moose scare the crap out of me. The place we have our camp set up is where Daniel wanted his ashes. So that alone makes it hard to go there. It is the same place Stephen & I got married. That camp ground holds a lot of emotions. I just want to have him back. I would do anything to just see him again. I dream about him a lot. The last dream I was able to talk to him. When I saw him I got really excited. He was just in a crowd of people & I had to try really hard to get his attention. When I did I asked what he was doing. I can't remember his answer or any other questions. I remember him laughing. Then I told him I missed him. He just gave me a look & walked away. I have a memory of him everywhere I go. The last time I saw him was in the explorer. He needed a ride to get Kindle, but she was sick so he was scared he couldn't take care of her. I told him he just needed to hold her a little more & it would be fine. He couldn't make up his mind. As we got closer to the high school I told him he needed to make up his mind. He decided not to get her. I feel so bad. Getting that phone call from my dad was the worst thing I could have imagined. I was here when we got the phone call about Ed. He was at the hospital. My mom too forever putting her shoes on. I ran the stop signs just like Ed did when we found out my parents where at the hospital the night Alex was born. I wish I would have had the chance to go see Daniel in the hospital, to at least say good bye. After my dad called I had to call Ed, Dusty, & Jon. Jon helped me tell others. It was so hard to tell them. I didn't know how so I just said it. No sugar coating it. Alex was with me so I told her too. I tried not to, but she kept asking what was wrong. She just cried and cried. I remember holding her on the bed telling her it would be ok. But it's not ok. I live in our childhood home. Worse yet is I live in his bedroom. I've thought about switching rooms, but they all hold memories. I am scared of the basement & I have to go down there to do laundry. He would come over & help me when it was dark & I couldn't go down there. When we were kids I was scared to be in the bathroom alone. It freaked me out to walk past the basement door. He would always stand outside the door & wait for me. I remember him waiting when I was taking baths too. Just hanging out in the hall waiting for me. Now I have to wait for him. Well this blog is just going on & on. I just feel like I need to get this crap out. Nothing else is happening except the constant pain. I feel like it is breaking down my marriage too. I am not a happy person right now. No one understands. Stephen has a similar experience, but it doesn't seem to eat away at his being. Most days I just want him to go away so if something happens to me he wont be sad cuz he has already moved on. I need constant attention from him or I don't feel love. Our relationship is getting older so we don't touch or talk as much which makes me feel even worse. Like why doesn't he do this anymore or why doesn't he call me as much when he's at work. I feel like he is going to leave me too so why doesn't he just do it now. This is just the worst time in my life & there is no one there to help me. The one person I could talk to about everything is gone. I love seeing Kindle & watching her grow, but whenever she leaves I cry. Daniel didn't get to see her use the potty or learn her colors. Or see her play in the leaves on Sunday. He doesn't get to teach her how to hunt. Now there is nothing that garentees that I will get to be a part of her life. I just hope that I will always get to see her, so I can let her know how great her father was. What he meant to me. How I felt when he was around & why he felt like he had to leave us. Well my eyes are killing me from crying so much. Not that that is an uncommon feeling. So I'm going to try & sleep now.