Sissy Lala

I feel like the only time I blog is when something terrible has happened. Yet again this is the reason why I am here. October 18th Sissy died. It just brings back all the emotions of Daniel leaving me. So anyways I'll tell the story of that day. I went to work at 9. Just after I got there my dad called me. I answered and he asked what I was doing. I said working I told you I had to work today. Then he got quiet. I asked what was wrong. His voice broke, just like it did when he called me about Daniel & Spot. I walked away from the front desk knowing that this was not good news. He then told me that Sissy was hit by a car. My world froze & I started spinning. Luckily I went into a room and could sit down. I told him I would be there as soon as I could. I was crying and I'm sure not understandable. I went into Bettys office and told her I needed to go. I drove 80 and got to Raymond in 15 minutes. My dad took me to her. She was just lying there with her eyes opened. I was expecting her to be mangled and very obviously dead, but no. She looked perfect. No blood nothing. As I rested my head on her crying I swear I could feel her breathe, but she wouldn't blink. I got a blanket from the Focus and my dad handed her to me. She was so heavy. She hated being held and would get stiff, but not this time. She was heavy and limp. I put her in the car and made her comfortable. I called Ed to see if he would help me burry her with Daniel. On the drive to town I hit a crow, that's all I remember. After changing my clothes I headed out to get Ed. My dad and Alex met me at Ed's house. From there we headed up the canyon to say good bye to my favorite dog. Ed dug the hole, I tried to help, but there wasn't much room around that small hole. We found 4 rocks to place on the grave. When I picked Sissy up to put her to rest she was just as heavy but now stiff. I carried her to the hole, but I didn't want to. I wanted to just go home with her. Once I placed her in the grave I just petted her crying. Hagen asked me what was wrong. I'm just sad. Then he went back to playing with Alex. I just sat there petting her and crying for a while. Then I covered her in the blanket and started to fill in the grave. We all just stood there after looking at the rock pile. I know she will be missed by all of us. She was our reminder of Daniel. He had made her into the great dog that she was. Always loyal, faithful, and happy. Just like her daddy. When we went to leave the Explorers battery was dead. Probably because I had left the hatch open because Sissy was starting to smell. Luckily my dad had taken his truck and they went down to get jumper cables. I still want to go back and get here. I have not been back up there because I'm scared something has happened to her and that my explorer will not start again. I will never forget Sissy or Daniel. They both helped me get through tough situations. Daniel was always there when I needed help. Sissy was no different. She always made me feel safe and protected. Before Daniel died he would let me borrow Sissy when I was feeling scared. After watching the Paranormal Activity movies I was freaked out and Sissy just seemed to calm those fears. Sissy did some very crazy things. She hated strangers and some people she had met before. She was known to bite and growl. She used to have issues with Kindle, but since early Spring she has been fine around her. Sissy hated bird, cats, and pretty much any small animal and even big animals. She liked to be the dominate dog and would get into fights. She could never hold still. It was always back and forth in the truck and car. She could be a bear which consisted of standing on her back legs and walking. She would "mop" the kitchen floor multiple times a day. Just licking the whole thing. During the night she knew when I was awake and would pop her head just over the side of the bed. Scared me every time! She liked to take and hide all the toys from Scribbles. It was hard to play with Scribbles cuz Sissy would come and take the toys. When Sissy jumped on the bed with me she would scoot as close to me as she could. She always wanted her butt scratched. If you where touching her some how she always got her ass under your hand. I will miss her so much. The last few days have been very hard and I feel like I cry at the smallest reminders of Sissy or Daniel. One day I will see them again. I can not wait for that day!

Oh life....

Over the past year and a half I have realized a lot of things. First off I never knew how much Daniel actually helped me with. I'm always thinking about calling him to come help me. It's a constant struggle to not break down in tears when I need help. Another thing I have realized is how alone I am. I can't just call Daniel whenever I want/need to. I always feel lonely. Like I am missing a part of myself. Daniel was a major rock in my life. He was always encouraging and making me want to be a better person. I always wanted to be a good example to him and show him that he can do things. When my Grandpa died last month it brought back all the memories of Daniel passing on. I've had a really hard time since my grandpas death, but not with his death just with the emotions of Daniels death all over again. My grandpa lived his life. He was 83 years old. He had a good life, got to watch his kids and grandkids grow up, but Daniel left way too soon. He was only 23. The 20th he would have been 25. He was just a baby compared to my grandpa. I miss them both so much. Both of them made me feel like I was an amazing person. They didn't even have to say to me, "Hey Zana, your amazing." I just knew that they thought I was. My grandpa loved my baking. He was always so excited when I brought something or if I didn't he would always look at me after dinner and ask what was for dessert. I really miss both of those men so much. Daniel was always telling people about my degree and that his sister was so smart. It was great to know that someone was bragging about me. My parents never really cared about boosting my self-esteem. Daniel did that for me. So now without Daniel helping me build my confidence, I feel lost. I feel like nothing I do matters. I am just floating around with not point to my life. But when I am around Kindle and Hagen I feel good again. Like I want them to be something. To do something meaningful with their life's. Hopefully by seeing me achieving personal goals they will be inspired to go out and live their dreams. While I am working on my second bachelors degree I am realizing that if I want to do anything with these pieces of paper that I am working so hard to get, I am going to have to move to get experience so I can practice in Bear Lake. A degree is a great tool to have, but I can't use it without experience. Most jobs openings I look at want the degree with so many years of experience. Having been told to look for things in 3's I have had two very bold promptings about moving, plus the need for experience has me looking at possible locations. One never knows for sure what the future holds. So hopefully in 2 years I will be done with school and have my CPA so I can be ready for experience. Eek!! So many things to think about. Anyways I have cinnamon rolls in the oven and they are starting to smell done. = )

Grandma

I have been dreading this post for a long time! My Grandma died April 26, 2011. I still cry whenever I go to her grave or see her obituary or try to write this post or even think about writing this post. I just cried when I looked at her little pamphlet thing they have at funerals. It has been 2 months & I still think about her a lot. Since I have moved back from college I have been cold towards my grandma. She said some things to me that hurt me. I didn't go see her as much as I should have. Towards the end it was hard to visit her because she didn't say much & she was sick. She was in & out of the hospital a bunch of times this year. My Grandpa called me & wanted me there when the ambulance came to take her to the hospital. I will never forget going into her room & seeing her at home for the last time. I wish I would have written this sooner so I wouldn't have to think about that last week. It was so hard seeing her so frail. I'm so glad Alex didn't go see her in the hospital. I

I'm finally HAPPY!

My first pre-assessment is tomorrow. I am a little nervous, but I know that I just need a 60% and I can take the real assessment. My life has changes so much in the past 13 months. I still can not believe Daniel is gone. My heart is still broken & I cry a lot. Mostly when Stephen is gone. The other night I had a dream that Ed was kidnapped while we where going to WinCo. It was horrible! I woke up crying & I'm sure Stephen had no idea how to help me. I dream about Daniel fairly frequently. He never says anything to me. He's just there then walks away from me. Sometimes I try to go after him, sometimes I don't. I just hope he is at peace & is safe from the demonds that haunted him here. Since my last post the only new thing is that I have went back to school. I want to get my CPA, but I need more accounting credits. So I am getting another degree in accounting. I go to WGU its all online which is very nice. I am hoping that it will only take me a year and a half to complete. Looks possible so far. I need to work harder, but I do a lot of other things like babysit here & there, & help with whatever anyone needs. For the first time in my life I feel happy. Like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Not working is great, well only working every other friday is great! I am so glad that Stephen works as hard as he does so that I am able to take this little breather & get myself together. A CPA will help me get a better job. I want to be a seasonal tax person. That way I can do things with Stephen & not feel so maxed out all the time. It feels so good to be happy! I don't get angry very often. I used to be angry all the time. Literally all the time!! Now when I get mad its not even that bad. I can control it, it doesn't consume me for days. I really do have the best husband. Stephen is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. He's just great! Well I could go on and on about how amazing he is, but I need to get to bed. = )