Oh life....

Over the past year and a half I have realized a lot of things. First off I never knew how much Daniel actually helped me with. I'm always thinking about calling him to come help me. It's a constant struggle to not break down in tears when I need help. Another thing I have realized is how alone I am. I can't just call Daniel whenever I want/need to. I always feel lonely. Like I am missing a part of myself. Daniel was a major rock in my life. He was always encouraging and making me want to be a better person. I always wanted to be a good example to him and show him that he can do things. When my Grandpa died last month it brought back all the memories of Daniel passing on. I've had a really hard time since my grandpas death, but not with his death just with the emotions of Daniels death all over again. My grandpa lived his life. He was 83 years old. He had a good life, got to watch his kids and grandkids grow up, but Daniel left way too soon. He was only 23. The 20th he would have been 25. He was just a baby compared to my grandpa. I miss them both so much. Both of them made me feel like I was an amazing person. They didn't even have to say to me, "Hey Zana, your amazing." I just knew that they thought I was. My grandpa loved my baking. He was always so excited when I brought something or if I didn't he would always look at me after dinner and ask what was for dessert. I really miss both of those men so much. Daniel was always telling people about my degree and that his sister was so smart. It was great to know that someone was bragging about me. My parents never really cared about boosting my self-esteem. Daniel did that for me. So now without Daniel helping me build my confidence, I feel lost. I feel like nothing I do matters. I am just floating around with not point to my life. But when I am around Kindle and Hagen I feel good again. Like I want them to be something. To do something meaningful with their life's. Hopefully by seeing me achieving personal goals they will be inspired to go out and live their dreams. While I am working on my second bachelors degree I am realizing that if I want to do anything with these pieces of paper that I am working so hard to get, I am going to have to move to get experience so I can practice in Bear Lake. A degree is a great tool to have, but I can't use it without experience. Most jobs openings I look at want the degree with so many years of experience. Having been told to look for things in 3's I have had two very bold promptings about moving, plus the need for experience has me looking at possible locations. One never knows for sure what the future holds. So hopefully in 2 years I will be done with school and have my CPA so I can be ready for experience. Eek!! So many things to think about. Anyways I have cinnamon rolls in the oven and they are starting to smell done. = )