Daniel

Wow today is the worst day ever. My baby brother is gone. I just can't believe it!!! I cry every time I say it or think it. He's the one I could always count on. Whenever I needed help he would always come over. No matter what time or what I needed. I remember calling him to come help me fill up tires, or if I was scared. After watching the Paranormal activity movies with Stephen I was so freaked out I couldn't sleep alone. When Stephen went back to work I called Daniel in the middle of the night on my first night alone & he came right over to keep me safe. He stayed for 3 nights, then he left his dog with me to keep watch. Oh I just can't believe this! Why would he be so selfish!! My last memeories of him are good ones. He had such a rough year last year, but this past week he was fine. Happy, laughing. I thought things where looking up for him. Oh what happened my baby boy?!? Why you, why us?!?! I really needed you in my life. I just want an explaination. Did something push you to this? You always reached out when times got hard. Oh why didn't you call me? Why didn't I call you? What about Kindle? She needs you. We all need you! I hate seeing my dad, Alex, & Ed cry. I hate my eyes hurting. My family is hurting & I don't know what to do. I can't be at grandma's. I just keep expecting you to come out of the bedroom or come home. It is a blessing & a curse to have Sissy. She was so excited to see me yesterday morning, so I took her home thinking you would come pick her up later or I would bring her back in a day or two. She hasn't looked for you like she normally does. She seems sad, keeping coming up & putting her head on me. Didn't you think about her? Didn't you think she would be alone in the world? Just like Kindle? How could you be so selfish? Why didn't you think about me? I'm just so mad at you right now. I always will be. On those days when I know you are the only one up, like right now, & need someone to talk to, who will be there? When Stephen is gone & Jake gets out, who will help me? When Stephen's gone & I need a truck, who will help me? When I'm alone & scared of strange noises, who will help me? When I need to see my little brother, where will he be? When I'm alone & watching stupid chich flicks, who will pop in & watch them with me & not complain? Who will explain to me what's happening in Dance Moms? I know you will always be around me. I already feel you, but it's not the same. I want to smell you & tell you to stop killing yourself. I can't believe you did this to me. To us. You have broken my heart. It's so much worst then when Gary did it. Oh Daniel. I needed you, we all needed you. You where not a peice of shit, you where my brother, my first best friend. The only one I could truly count on at anytime. I figured you where strong enough to make it through this, but maybe Grandma needed you to help her through her time away from Grandpa. I know I failed you. I should have called you on Thursday when I was trying to make Jake a kennel he would stay in. I should have called you yesterday morning. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. It's all in the past & I can't change it, but I would give anything to have you back. To have talked you through this. To have held you & told you it will all be ok. Heart ache does get better with time. I should have told you that & held your hand. I should have supported you more, given you more of my time. I keep seeing you. Seeing those weird things you used to do. Answering the phone in those crazy voices. Doing stupid stuff to make me laugh. You where crazy, but you where my brother & I love you. Oh I hurt so bad. I need you Daniel. Didn't you know!! I keep thinking about the things I need help with. Lulu Bell made a hole in the hay & now the tarp has split down the middle. I need to put a new one over it, but I need help. I should have called you, but I was too made & figured I would do it later. Thursday was such a bad day for me. I almost called you so many times, but I figured you where busy helping Jon or had Kindle. I know you would have made time for me. I should have made more time for you. I am so sorry I failed you. Oh Daniel I am so sorry. I miss you, I will always miss you. Come back to me if you can. What are we going to do without you? Why didn't you think of that? I'm so torn between hating you & hating myself. My heart is broken, & I hate you for doing this to me. Now I have to deal with your mother by myself. The few hours I was with her yesterday sucked. I needed you to take me away from her. No one knows how much bs she told except you. I could get through it before knowing I could tell you about it & you would tell me about your experiences too. Oh Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. I miss you & I love you. We all do. It will never go away. Good Bye Baby Brother. In your next adventure, try not to be so selfish, & do something crazy for me! I will do my best to help Kindle through life. That is my promise to you. She will know who you where, what you where like, & why I am proud to say you are my brother. Thank you for the good times & helping me through the bad times.