It's been a month

Gary & I have been on a break for a month today. I cry everyday & the pain does not seem to end or even get easier to bare. I've been trying different things but nothing seems to work. I feel like my heart break a little more every day. He tells me he does not want me to leave, but does not want to be in a relationship. I don't want to be buddies & I don't want to leave. So that's the stale mate we are at. It blows!

I went over to Jessica's tonight for a girls night. There were only 4 of us there. Sam, Jess, Me, & some girl I just met I don't even remember her name! I'm so bad. I didn't drink because I have a cold & I'm depressed. Drinking & not being happy is not a good combination. I have been through that several times & don't want to do it again any time soon. So we just hung out. We went to Safeway & Brad was working so we chatted a little. I always that if anyone asks or talks to me about Gary I will cry. It's really hard for me to deal with it. I'm trying to help myself, but its so hard having him here. A part of me just wants a clean break, but the bigger part of me knows this work out. This waiting around is what kills me. I feel like for the better part of the day he just pretends like I am not here or that I'm some random friend. Then when he comes to bed & right when we wake up its fine. It drives me crazy. I feel like the crazy exgirl friend that will not go away, but he tells me to stay. I don't know. Grr I wish I knew boys! Having 4 brothers did not help me! I want to talk to them about it but I know the problem is me & I'm also embarassed. To know that I could be wrong about "the one" who is right for me. I feel like I'm such an idiot & I let myself down. Its so hard because even though I feel like I let myself down I feel that Gary is still the right one. He is just scared or getting cold feet. I'm not pressuring him to marry me or anything, I don't even want to be married anytime soon! Oh well its my problem & I don't think it will go away anytime soon.

Compatibility Test

http://www.datingdiversions.com/img/heart.jpg) no-repeat 26px 0px; width: 350px; border: 2px solid #ee88bb; padding: 0px; margin: 15px;">

Zana
&
Gary

69% Compatible

♥ Zana and Gary have been romantically-together for awhile now, indicating a degree of compatibility. Being from different religious backgrounds may cause friction. And a mismatch in athleticism could decrease compatibility. Their astrological signs are in harmony, though, which is a plus. And their views on children are similar. Zana and Gary are somewhat compatible overall. There are definitely some rough spots, but those can be overcome with love and dedication. ♥

http://www.datingdiversions.com/dating_compatibility.html">Test Your Dating Compatibility

Candles & Dinner

Last night I made a candle lit dinner for Gary. It was perdy nice. We just ate & talked, then there was supposed to be some comit dust so we sat on the balcony to watch it. We only saw a few, but it was nice. Then he played wow & I went to bed. I'm feeling good about us, but today he told me he worries about us being compatible. Which I used stand is important, but I think we are. I mean sure we like different things, but we like a lot of the same things too. I feel that our biggest issue is video games, but I'm working on that. I need to be more relaxed, which I am also working on. On a different note I found another big spider today. Not as big as the one on Thursday, but it was no small one either! I let out a huge scream! Then I was trying to kill it. I was swinging the fly swater all around. Char (the neighbor who killed the other one) asked me if I killed it, but I think it ran down the balcony. Gary then sprayed the house down. Another one popped out & he sprayed it until it died. I have not seen any since. Hmm what else.... Oh Char & I talked & let Scribbles & Boarder play for a little bit today. It was nice. Scribbles was so funny she just kept running from Boarder, then she got fed up & started chasing him down. I started watching Heros on like Thursday. It is really good. I am hooked! Gary has been watching some episodes with me. So that's all I have, I'm ganna go watch the Lake House now.

It's Over!!

I just got a call from the lawyer & the case has been dropped!! I'm so excited! I was very scared & nervous about being a witness up in front of a jury! I also didn't want Gary to go to jail! It would suck! Now its over & we don't have to worry anymore! That's the best news I have heard in a while! The lawyer is ganna call Gary & tell him that he has to go to jail! I wish I could be there to see his face! We had a really great lawyer. Him calling to tell Gary he is going to jail shows his personality. He is a perdy fun guy, but he was strait with us the whole time about what could happen & what we needed to do. Weird I just saw a strange man outside. That was weird. Not too many strangers walk around by our doors. There are only 4 apartments in this building & we are tucked back off the road so people dont just stumble by. Anyways.... Don't remember where I was going so I'll just leave at I'm excited! I'm going out again tonight, this time with some old work friends! I'm excited! I like going out with people & having a good time. Then tomorrow I'm having breakfast with Jessica & Sam!! I love having plans with friends!! Yay! Ok I'm off to find something to do....

Why oh why

Sometimes I feel like I just don't matter. That's where I'm at right now. Today I took the day off thinking Gary & I could spend some time together. I tried to wake up around 9ish, but fell back asleep until 11. We decided to make breakfast, dink around, Gary would give plasma, & we would head to the river. I thought that was a good roadmap for the day. So while making breakfast Gary was playing wow & his part of breakfast showed it. We didn't get out of the house until just after 2. Giving plasma took an hour & a half. During which Scribbles & I went to Jeff's house so his son could play with Scribbles. It was fun, she gets kind of grouchy which I dont like. Gary called & we went to get him around 3:30. In my mind I was thinking that this day was off to a very late start, but I didn't say anything. We have not been to the river yet so we got kinda lost & ended up just going for a 2 hour drive. It was nice to get out & do something. Plus I like to explore new places & see whats out there. The river was pretty. I would like to go back & at least touch it or stop. So anyways when we got back we decided on fijitas for supper. I would make perdy much everything except the rice & to grate cheese. So away I went to cooking my part. I asked Gary how long the rice would take, he did not answer. I didn't think it was a big deal, he was busy with wow. I figured it would take 20 mintues like usual, Gary was ganna use the new rice cooker my dad got us. Which I have never used before & didn't know what to expect. Around the time I usually put the rice on I yelled to Gary, who was like 20 feet at max from me. He said ok, but did not come over to start it. I figured it was because the cooker would be faster than on the stove. My fijitas were about 15 mintues from being done, about 15 minutes after I asked Gary to start the rice, when I asked him about the rice. I didn't get a response, so I set out to figure out how to work the cooker. By the time I did I had forgettin about my cooking veggie mix & burned it a bit. Did not make me happy. I finished getting the fijitas put together, & Gary came over to do the rice. I told him I already had it in the cooker. So he went back to the game. I let Scribbles out & played with her a bit. It was time to get the cheese grated & I asked Gary if he was going to do it still. He didn't say anything to me so I did it myself. After I got it done & was puting the rice together he came over to do it. I told him it was done. He said sorry & went back to the game. I get feed up with having to wait for a break in the game or for him to get some kind of motivation to do anything besides play wow. He has been being very good lately about doing things, but at the same time its the same way it was. That doesn't make sense I know, but its how I feel. I went back down stairs after my shower & started to get the dishes done. He come over to help, but I told him I would do. It just makes me feel worse when I start to do something & he comes to take over. Like its a favor or something. Its not to me, he should do it himself instead of seeing me do & try to take over. If I would not have went down to finish cleaning the kitchen I would have came home from work tomorrow at 6pm to find it waiting for me with the addition of his dishes from the day. Today has been a moody day for me. I don't know if I should feel like I do or if I'm going to an extreme. I would just like to have Gary help me make supper or clean it up. I don't like having to do both. I tell him that I feel like I'm doing everything. Sometimes he tells me he feels like I am doing everything. I can't just sit around & watch my house get dirty & wait for him to decide its dirty enough to clean. It's not how I work. So in that sense I know that I am doing everything because my level of clean is higher than his. It makes me so upset to think that this could be the rest of my life. Cleaning up after someone else while he plays wow. The way we do the cleaning now is that who ever sees the mess takes care of it. I don't know if its worse or better. I'm still doing the greater part of the work, I just feel like I can't ask him to do anything. Grr I do feel happier with the way things are right now for the most part, but at the same time I feel powerless. Like if I do something he does not like he will break it off for good & I'll be homeless or stuck with paying full rent. I do love him, I just wish he could see that he is pushing me away & its tearing me apart. Well I feel much better getting that out. It feels like some pressure has been released. Thanks for reading & I'll try to be more upbeat!

Work

So I'm perdy much sick of working my summer job! I came home early today & I'm not going tomorrow. Gary has the day off so we are ganna do something! I hope we go to the river swimming or something fun! I really want to go school shopping, but I have to wait until Friday. Gary is going to Boise this weekend to see Andy. I want to go just cuz I like to travel, but I think Gary will have more fun without me & Scribbles. So I will probably be staying home unless plans change. I will be going to Twin Falls on the 16th so I don't know if I want to go on both trips anyways. I am so excited for Twin Falls! I have not seen Mar in a long time & it should be fun! Plus Alex is going to be there too! That's all I have for now!

Crappy night!

Gary running around with Scribbles on our walk.

Gary was dead asleep this morning! It was a long night for both of us!

I was trying to nap on the couch, so Scribbles decided to join me. My head was her bed.

Last night Gary & I decided to go out & have a few drinks, play some pool. I drank a bunch, which for me like only like max 5 beers! Anyways I almost went home with someone I didn't know. I tried to get Garys attention, I texted & called him, but he did not respond. So I left. Daniel talked to me on the walk home. I felt so scared. It was cold. My phone battery went dead so Dan called Gary, who came home. He was trying to call me, but I felt like he left me alone & I didn't want to talk to him. When he got home I cried for seriously 2 hours! It sucked. I feel that moments like last night bring Gary & I closer. I wish I would talk with him sometimes but I get sidetracked or other things come up. Then I just explode! My head hurts so bad. Oh well next time I will do better! I was playing pool perdy well last night. I was suprised!

I miss Alex really bad! I'm ganna be seeing her on the 16th when I got to my cousins wedding in Twin Falls. I'm excited! Mar is ganna be there too. It should be a fun time. I don't think I have anything else... Scribbles is getting big & loves to play fetch. I'm glad she likes fetch because I do! We took her for a walk last night & she really enjoyed it.