Gary & I have been on a break for a month today. I cry everyday & the pain does not seem to end or even get easier to bare. I've been trying different things but nothing seems to work. I feel like my heart break a little more every day. He tells me he does not want me to leave, but does not want to be in a relationship. I don't want to be buddies & I don't want to leave. So that's the stale mate we are at. It blows!
I went over to Jessica's tonight for a girls night. There were only 4 of us there. Sam, Jess, Me, & some girl I just met I don't even remember her name! I'm so bad. I didn't drink because I have a cold & I'm depressed. Drinking & not being happy is not a good combination. I have been through that several times & don't want to do it again any time soon. So we just hung out. We went to Safeway & Brad was working so we chatted a little. I always that if anyone asks or talks to me about Gary I will cry. It's really hard for me to deal with it. I'm trying to help myself, but its so hard having him here. A part of me just wants a clean break, but the bigger part of me knows this work out. This waiting around is what kills me. I feel like for the better part of the day he just pretends like I am not here or that I'm some random friend. Then when he comes to bed & right when we wake up its fine. It drives me crazy. I feel like the crazy exgirl friend that will not go away, but he tells me to stay. I don't know. Grr I wish I knew boys! Having 4 brothers did not help me! I want to talk to them about it but I know the problem is me & I'm also embarassed. To know that I could be wrong about "the one" who is right for me. I feel like I'm such an idiot & I let myself down. Its so hard because even though I feel like I let myself down I feel that Gary is still the right one. He is just scared or getting cold feet. I'm not pressuring him to marry me or anything, I don't even want to be married anytime soon! Oh well its my problem & I don't think it will go away anytime soon.
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