Why oh why

Sometimes I feel like I just don't matter. That's where I'm at right now. Today I took the day off thinking Gary & I could spend some time together. I tried to wake up around 9ish, but fell back asleep until 11. We decided to make breakfast, dink around, Gary would give plasma, & we would head to the river. I thought that was a good roadmap for the day. So while making breakfast Gary was playing wow & his part of breakfast showed it. We didn't get out of the house until just after 2. Giving plasma took an hour & a half. During which Scribbles & I went to Jeff's house so his son could play with Scribbles. It was fun, she gets kind of grouchy which I dont like. Gary called & we went to get him around 3:30. In my mind I was thinking that this day was off to a very late start, but I didn't say anything. We have not been to the river yet so we got kinda lost & ended up just going for a 2 hour drive. It was nice to get out & do something. Plus I like to explore new places & see whats out there. The river was pretty. I would like to go back & at least touch it or stop. So anyways when we got back we decided on fijitas for supper. I would make perdy much everything except the rice & to grate cheese. So away I went to cooking my part. I asked Gary how long the rice would take, he did not answer. I didn't think it was a big deal, he was busy with wow. I figured it would take 20 mintues like usual, Gary was ganna use the new rice cooker my dad got us. Which I have never used before & didn't know what to expect. Around the time I usually put the rice on I yelled to Gary, who was like 20 feet at max from me. He said ok, but did not come over to start it. I figured it was because the cooker would be faster than on the stove. My fijitas were about 15 mintues from being done, about 15 minutes after I asked Gary to start the rice, when I asked him about the rice. I didn't get a response, so I set out to figure out how to work the cooker. By the time I did I had forgettin about my cooking veggie mix & burned it a bit. Did not make me happy. I finished getting the fijitas put together, & Gary came over to do the rice. I told him I already had it in the cooker. So he went back to the game. I let Scribbles out & played with her a bit. It was time to get the cheese grated & I asked Gary if he was going to do it still. He didn't say anything to me so I did it myself. After I got it done & was puting the rice together he came over to do it. I told him it was done. He said sorry & went back to the game. I get feed up with having to wait for a break in the game or for him to get some kind of motivation to do anything besides play wow. He has been being very good lately about doing things, but at the same time its the same way it was. That doesn't make sense I know, but its how I feel. I went back down stairs after my shower & started to get the dishes done. He come over to help, but I told him I would do. It just makes me feel worse when I start to do something & he comes to take over. Like its a favor or something. Its not to me, he should do it himself instead of seeing me do & try to take over. If I would not have went down to finish cleaning the kitchen I would have came home from work tomorrow at 6pm to find it waiting for me with the addition of his dishes from the day. Today has been a moody day for me. I don't know if I should feel like I do or if I'm going to an extreme. I would just like to have Gary help me make supper or clean it up. I don't like having to do both. I tell him that I feel like I'm doing everything. Sometimes he tells me he feels like I am doing everything. I can't just sit around & watch my house get dirty & wait for him to decide its dirty enough to clean. It's not how I work. So in that sense I know that I am doing everything because my level of clean is higher than his. It makes me so upset to think that this could be the rest of my life. Cleaning up after someone else while he plays wow. The way we do the cleaning now is that who ever sees the mess takes care of it. I don't know if its worse or better. I'm still doing the greater part of the work, I just feel like I can't ask him to do anything. Grr I do feel happier with the way things are right now for the most part, but at the same time I feel powerless. Like if I do something he does not like he will break it off for good & I'll be homeless or stuck with paying full rent. I do love him, I just wish he could see that he is pushing me away & its tearing me apart. Well I feel much better getting that out. It feels like some pressure has been released. Thanks for reading & I'll try to be more upbeat!