Stressed out Tongue

So this is what my tongue looks like! It hurts so bad! I can hardly move my tongue with out pain. I took this pic after I scrubbed the shit out of it with my tooth brush, held salt on it, and used mouth wash. Hopefully a few days of that treatment will make it go away. It typically works, but ya never know. I hope it doesn't grow anymore, its already huge. I used to get these fairly frequently, but not recently. This is my first one this year, I think. They usually come from stress. It tastes like metal when they first start growing, but now it just makes my mouth water nonstop.



I got flowers from my Macy's peeps! They are so pretty! I'm not a big fan of getting cut flowers, but these one are very pretty! I love them! I like to get potted plants so I can keep them longer. Hopefully this summer I will have a garden. I know my dad has got some peppers & probably tomatoes for it, but I want a big one like I had back in the day.

I need to go to the library & study today. I don't really want to, but I need to get at least D's on my finals! A would be best, but I'm not picky! lol I'm ganna go make some grilled cheese & turkey sandwiches & hopefully I will be able to eat them.

Don't Waste Your Time on Me, Your Already a Voice Inside My Head

Here is Scribbles sleeping in Thunder Jim. She is the cutest dog ever!

I love getting up early! I got up at 4:45am today. I thought it was ganna suck, but I just woke up & got going. Plus there was no one around at 5:30 when I was walking to campus. It was quiet & calm. Kinda like me = ) But it was all useless today. I got to Kappa Delta & the thought of shit I hope I have my vandal card hit me. Too late to turn back, so I just said 'let us pray' & kept going. Sure enough my card was not on me! Fuck! Can't get into the Rec without it! So I guess I get to fail step & sculpt. Which excites me to not end! I'm hoping to talk with my instructor about it before class. It just sucks that this is the last week of school! I might have to sleep Food Sci on friday to make it up. Ugh! Oh well I had a great morning! I was pissed for like 2 minutes, but its a great day. If you count rain as a great day, but its very pretty (again like me = )). Plus I'm just chillin in the fish bowl listening to music. Should be doing homework, but fuck that shit! So I had another group freak out. I don't know what it is about this semester, but groups blow! This guy has been making the trades for our team. Guess that does not make him happy. I've been too busy to get the chance to figure out the program, plus I have no motivation to do it. Oops. I'm not sure if we are meeting or not. I've been emailing them. I opened some space up this morning, I'll have to be late at Macy's, but I need these points! Ugh.. I don't want to think about it.

On a side note Blink 182 is quickly becoming my favorite band! I never really thought about them before. I've liked their music, but recently I can't get enough! I really really really need to update my iPod. I have some places to get music, but my connector cable thing is packed away somewhere. Probably in BL, so when I get to it I'll have freaking dial up! I guess I could put the music on my computer now & transfer later! I'm a freaking genius!

Mar told me last night that a girl from my town, a few years older than me, had her husband die this past weekend. Just out of the blue gone & they don't know why. She has a 4 month old baby too! I can't imagine what that feels like. Having someone leave you is different from having someone be taken away. I'm still undecided on the whole after life thing, but still until death there is life alone. This brings me to my next point, love is useless. Sure its great, amazing, wonderful, & all that, but it can be gone in a moment. (Side note:I just saw a lady give her computer the thumbs up, odd) You have no control over when it come or when it goes. Family is the only thing that's constant. At least for me its the only constant. Even I don't stay constant. What I want, what I need changes so frequently I can hardly keep up with myself! Life is so short that I don't want to waste it being alone, but its also too short to live with pain. I can not wait to be back with my family! I'm super stoked! Alex is so freaking cute & I don't want to miss out on anything else! I want to take her to school, I want to watch her grow, I want to help her grow. There are so many things I missed out on as a child that I want her to experience. I don't want her to live out my childhood dreams by any means, I just want her to take chances. Explore her world. I wish I would have taken dancing lessons as a child. Her thing is cheerleading. Who the fuck knows why, but its her choice. I want her to do things like that. I would also like her to take piano. Don't know how I'm ganna make that happen, but I'll do my best!

I am starting to have doubts about moving back. I know its just cold feet, but I'm nervous all the same. I don't want to get stuck in some useless job. I still want to do something with my life. I don't want to be famous, but I want to have a purpose. A part of me wants to just be a stay at home wife, but I would not be satisfied by that. I like kids & we get along, but I don't want to be a baby maker. I don't want my purpose in life to be to have children. I want to go to work, wear cute girly suits, and crunch numbers or manage people or something. I also want to work somewhere that I dress up for work. I don't want to become humdrum. I don't want to be that lady that gets married & turns into a man. My mom was a cute enough girl, but look now. I know she smokes & does not take care of herself, but still I don't want that to happen to me. She is my motivation to treat myself better. I'm so glad Alex has me for girl stuff. I wish I would have had me when I was little! Being a tom boy wasn't bad, but I like girl stuff! Wow this blog is way longer than I had planned. (Side note: Same lady just gave her computer the hands in the air what sign. Similar to what I do when someone pisses me off while driving. What a weirdo. She does look familiar though...) Well I don't really know what else I need to get out. Oh I got a kitchen aid! It's purple! I wrote about it on myspace. I'm so excited to use it! I can not wait!! I showed it to Claudine last night & we had a good talk about it. She has one too & loves it! I'm so glad no one has said, Zana this is the worst thing you could have ever done with your money! It was not an impulse buy, but it was still a huge purchase! I'm glad I did it though & I'm sure in 30 years I will feel the same way! Well I'm ganna go dink around on the internet for another 15-20 minutes then go to class.

Premarital Sex

I'm feeling like ranting about premarital sex & young marriage. Tonight I had a conversation with my BFF & cousin. I told her I was jealous of her kids & family. She said she was jealous of my being able to do whatever I want. If I had to chose between my current life & a family life. I would stay with what I have. I love kids & the thought of marriage, but I'm 22! I still have a lot of things to explore! If I would have waited to have sex until marriage I would not be happy with my life. I would feel like I was missing out on the "party life". I have wanted to have sex since I can remember! This blog is going to be very personal so I hope your ready! The second boy I kissed I went "all the way" with. I'm not ashamed of this. It's life, it's what I wanted. I would not change it. I don't even think I would change the guy, well maybe... Anyways... Now I'm lost.... Oh premarital sex. What's the deal with it anyways? Sex is natural & what humans are supposed to do. It feels so good & bring so much more into life! The emotion & raw connection is unlike anything else! Even with everything that has happened to me from sex I would not go back. I would protect myself better. I would not let the words "I love you" effect my safety & the way I protect myself. Being a virgin to me is soo old school & even in the olden days there where still people romping around. Here's the thing to, so I save myself for some guy who has not saved himself for me. What's the point? Great you saved yourself for a guy who is ganna give you an STD! Congrats to you! I could almost laugh in the face of a virgin, but I wouldn't. That's not who I am. I have friends that are waiting. A part of me is happy for them. They have a personal goal & they are keeping to it, but at the same time I am very sad. They are missing out on being young! This comes back to my cousins being jealous of me & my life style. The grass is always greener on the other side of the river, but I love my green grass!! Well it's actually purple but that's a minor detail in the story of my life! Sometimes religious people come up to me in Commons & want to talk, but I always say I'm busy because I don't want to get into a discussion about what I believe. I'm not even sure about what I believe & I don't want to hear about their Jesus & God. I feel that religion is different for everyone. Honestly what is God. I think he is an idea. One of my favorite movie quotes is "God is just an imaginary friend for grown-ups". That is probably one of the only movie quotes I know, besides Austin Powers of course. That quote rings true for me. Right now I don't need an imaginary friend. I have real friends who help me. I would rather have a real shoulder than air. That's just me though. Wow this blog is going the religious route. Oh well it's mine & I do what I want! So yeah this God guy. I have just recently started using an upper case G for God. That's a step in the right direction, right Jesus freaks? Ok that was mean. I just don't get it though. Why devote your life to an imaginary friend when you can devote your life to having fun or the earth or your family?

Wow I have a lot on my mind. I find myself falling for the shy really nice guys that wont touch me or the asshole who don't care. A friend just pointed out to me that both are somewhat self conscience. They don't have much confidence in who they are or what they want. I also don't understand people who change themselves for the people they are with. I can understand picking up new things from another person like new experiences & hobbies, but to change your personality. What is that? Why first off would you lie to yourself about who your are? Second why would you lie to another person about who you are? It's not fair to either party involved. Oh well. A lie is a lie, and this God knows that. He knows I have lied, he also knows that I live with it everyday. I know the lies I have told, I know the wrong things I have done & I am not ready to repent of those things. Hmm interesting I start off about premarital sex & now I'm on repenting. My mind is running. I'm thinking about taking Alex to church when I'm there. Not for my benefit, but for her. She does not know what Christmas is about or Easter or anything! She can recognize Jesus, which surprises me. I love that girl so much! I love Scribbles too! Daniel sent me a pic of her today & I have been smiling all day! The joy & pride I have is over whelming! I cannot wait to be with them! That's my God, my religion. This feeling I get, this hope I have for them, the joy & excitement I feel. This to me is religion. I don't need to be in a church or pray or read the bible. I just need my family. Sure this all goes away, but it does not take much to bring me back to what's important. Getting that pic of Scribbles reminded me about them. It gave me the drive to keep going in school. Gave me the push to do my homework. To study, to be better. Oh man! I think I'm done ranting. I just felt overwhelmed & needed to write a little! & a little note if your a fake person the only one your ganna hurt is the people you love. Hopefully you can come clean to those people & they can help you find who you truly are. I am Zana Flo Wirth & I like myself. I love who I am becoming. I am strong, stable, and I know who I want to be. I love myself. I hate some of the choices I have made, but that's in the past & I have learned from those mistakes. My family is proud of me & I am proud of myself. Oh I told Alex today that I wish I would have named her FloEtta. She laughed. She thinks the name is funny, but she also would like to have the same name as me. She makes up names for me, today she called me Zana Lynn Wirth. She cracks me up! I cannot wait to be with her! I'm ganna put a pic in now that prompted this blog!

23 Days Left!!

Yay!! I'm excited to almost be done!! Plus the weather is great! I've been leaving early for class so I can just stroll to campus & enjoy the sun! Too bad I sent most of my summer clothes home with Jon! I was not even thinking! I guess I'll just have to go shopping = ) I'm nervous though that gas prices will keep going up, so I need to keep money in the bank for gas. I do need some new flip flops/sandals. Mine are ganna break soon, I'm sure of it! I've had them for like 7 years though, so they have done their time! Ugh my work home dog is asking about my fb status. I don't like talking about my status after the fact. It just brings back what I was thinking. Ppl typically ask me about the bad ones too! Oh well. I have to get to class now though. Just wanted to make a little note of being excited for graduation! = )

I don't know what to think.....

I'm not really sure what I'm feeling right now. I did something I should not have done. I have not done it in so long & it was really good for me not to. I'm not going to say what I did. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I always feel used, stupid when I think back. It's hard to say what I'm feeling and not going into a lot of detail. Anyways now I will tell of my weekend.

On Thursday night Jon came up. I was so excited to see him! He & Mar are my favorite cousins & I feel like they are my brother & sister! I'm always happy to hear from them. Jon got here around 10, we loaded up his truck with a bunch of my stuff & then went dancing around 11. I danced a few times then went to sit with him at the bar. He tells the best stories. I am always laughing & feeling good. We also talk a little about serious stuff. Family stuff & what not. I feel like Jon knows more about me & how I feel than most people. He got out of BL & had a life. His was military & mine is college, but we both know what the world is like, I guess. He moved back & is doing very well for himself. This gives me faith that I will be just fine going back. There are still a lot of things that scare me about going back. The first is being able to find a job that will support me & give me the life that I want. I am good with money so I can be fine on whatever, but I want the best for myself & my family. I want to get Alex into college. I want her to experience things just like I have, minus the HPV & heart ache. I want to watch her grow up. The other thing that scares me is that I will be alone. I love Nancy, but I can't live like that. I need a husband or someone to be there with me. Family is great but I want/need more. My options in BL right now are looking good, but it's still very hard for me to open up. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to just be thrown to the side like I don't matter. Like I never mattered. I refuse to let that happen again. So I'm taking the route of not letting anyone get close.

On Friday night Chad called me around 11 & we went to CJ's. One of Gary's super hot friends, who I have always really liked was there. First thing he did when he saw me was start freaking with me. He is so freaking hot, I'm not even joking. It's still hard for me to comprehend that he showed an interest in me. So he asked about Gary & I. I told him that was over. He asked why & that he would not be a "messenger" I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He dropped it which was a relief! The whole time we were talking he was perdy much pressed against me, not that I'm complaining or anything, but he is married. & I don't play that game. So I walked away to find my friends who had disappeared. I found them & we went out to dance. Then the hot friend comes up & we start dancing. I would love to have him. He is so hot, but I could not get into it because of the wife thing. I have hung out with her to & she is really nice. Wow I still can not get over it! He is really hot! Anyways. We stopped dancing & Chad & I went home around 1:30.

It still makes me feel really good about myself to think back to that night! I'm ganna keep that memory for rough days! I worked on Saturday. Which was long & boring! It felt like it would never end! After work Blake was going out, so I offered my services as a DD which he took of course. I still feel like a booty call for him so I kept my distance this weekend. He is nice & I would like to see what would happen with us, but the past is there & the distance is not ganna make it worth the effort. Oh well, there are other fish in the sea. Right? He tried to get me to hang out all day today, but again I'm just not feeling social or like I want to let someone in. I just want to go home. I think I'm getting depressed. It's not good. I also feel super excited & I love thinking about the future so I know its just a little slump, not hard core depression like it was before. Well hmm. I really want to be in love again. I want to be happy. I want someone to be there. I want to freaking bake something! Lately this whole oven being broken is really hard! I just want to make something. To try new things, but no I can't! Less than a month & I will be able to! Yay!

My life right now is so confusing. Just like this entry. It starts out with me doing something stupid & having feelings of loss. Then goes to excitement about family & the future. Now at the end I'm confused about how I should feel. Oh another thing that has happened is an old friends ex boyfriend has been chatting with me recently & gave me his phone number. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Her being my friend makes it hard for me to think about liking him, but I do. Again though the distance thing come into play. Also with this guy one of his friends was a buddy of mine for a while. There are so many complications in life. Why can't I get have some sort of portal that I can go where ever I want in less than a minute. I can go home, but also go see these boys when I want to. See if they are really worth my time. Why does it matter if a friend dates another friends ex? I understand why, it just sucks! Also why does it feel like I have had sexual encounters with a lot of people? There seems to be some sort of something complicating things in my life! I know what I want right now, but what happens after I get that? After I move home, what happens next? Do I stay there & finish out my life or do I move to another random place to start over? What's ganna happen? I play the what if game way too much!

Also at work on Saturday Chad & Tyrone where talking about guns & shooting. I got involved in the conversation. People get so surprised to find out I have a gun, and not just one gun three. Then I get a million questions & a name like Killer. It's great fun! Oh well I don't like to hide who I am or what I do. Open & honest is how I live my life. Also on Saturday I worked with a girl who reads my status updates on FB & asked about my cervix. So I got to telling about having it frozen & it turns out another lady at work has had it done. She had to have a hysterectomy!! A lot of her woman parts are gone! She told me I need to keep an eye on it & keep having it checked! Are you kidding me?! I was just starting to feel good. Like ok the freezing took care of it, but no! Ugh! Another wrench in the life of Zana. I sure hope this whole freezing side effect does not last the full 3-4 weeks. It hasn't even been a week yet & I'm ready to be done! It's so annoying & uncomfortable. Not to mention a little embarrassing. It should be over soon & hopefully I will be able to keep my woman parts inside of me. I feel like I want to have kids, but I do not want the option to be taken away from me because I was stupid. Oh well the best I can do is take care of myself & keep a positive out look. I started taking B vitamin. I guess its going ok. I started on Tuesday so it has only been 6 days. I take 3 pills every morning now. I feel like a pill popper! At least they are to keep me healthy & not required for my life functions. Just there to keep me healthy & happy. I wish the happy part would happen! lol Well I'm ganna finish watching my Ann Frank movie & try to sleep! Maybe tomorrow my life will be a little less complicated.

Dr Part 5

Just got done with having my cervix frozen & I'm hurting! The procedure was not bad at all but when they took the specula thing out it felt like Velcro. Oh not good! I'm shaking, it sucks! Luckily I only have one more class that I must go to. I hope we get out early! Then I have to finish up PSet 3. Which shouldn't be too bad & I'm home free! It feels so uncomfortable in the frozen part. I'm really trying not to think about it so it will go away. Some guy just looked at me like he knows me. Weird now he is sitting by me. Interesting! I'm ganna be really wiggly in this class. I've taken 4 pain pills, which is an extreme amount for me. Hopefully they kick in soon. I keep biting my nails too. Ok I'm off to class. I'll probably write more later!
Ok so that's what I wrote like 15 minutes after the procedure of freezing my cervix for myspace. After the dr was done she was tell me what she did & from when they did the last colposcopy & biopsy to this appointment there was another spot on my cervix. That makes me really nervous. If in less than a month a new growth can appear what will stop another one from growing? I asked the dr this & she said that the freezing would take care of anything coming back. I sure hope she is right because I do not want to go through this again! I have to go back for a PAP in 6 months, which is just what I want for a b-day gift! Actually I would love to have a normal PAP for my birthday! So there's what you can get me! = ) I don't hurt anymore. Yesterday I had some pain here & there, but nothing big. I went to step & I was just fine. Although at a 5:30 meeting I almost passed out. I don't think it was from this though, but ya never know. I also feel like a 12 year old again, but I don't think details are needed on here. So no sex for 4 weeks, which is not a problem at the present time.

So what else is new... OH YEAH!! Jon is going to be here tonight to take some of my stuff to BL!!! I'm super excited to see him!! He is one of my favorite ppl!! I'm hoping to fit all of the big stuff into his truck so all I will need is fill my car & go! Oh boy!

Easter!

On holidays I like to think back to the previous year & what I was doing. I can not remember what I did last year for Easter. I looked back through my journal but all there are are entires of me being pissed. I was never happy with Gary. Why am I so upset over it? Oh well I don't want to think about that now. I asked my gma if I could have a keg at her house for my graduation party. She said "Keg?" Then she realized what it was & said it was ok if we put it over the fence into Kenny's yard! Oh grandma you crack me up! I'm still not sure if I will get a keg or not. I might just go get a few different drinks, but who knows that a ways off. So anyways this year for Easter I decided I wanted to boil some eggs. I boiled them for 10 min thinking that it would be plenty of time, but no they where still runny! I put them back into a boil & they all broke! Why can't I do simple things like boil eggs & make jell-o? Is something wrong with me? I did some hw today as well, took a 2.5 hr nap, and went for a walk. I tried to run, but my iPod is too big! I need to get one of the small clip ones. Maybe that will be my easter/graduation gift to myself. If only I had a debit card! Oh that story is fun. On Thursday night I went out with Ashton, Ayla, and Shannon who was in town for the weekend. I had a shot before I left, then like 3 at Ashtons, then 2 at this other persons house, then 2 at the bar. That's all I remember drinking anyways. That was from 8:30 to like 11. So yeah. I don't remember leaving the Corner Club & going to CJ's. I don't remember leaving CJ's. I remember thinking that I should not try to cross the highway to get home cuz I didn't want to get a ticket for being drunk in public. Guess I called some ppl. I remember Anna calling me & I told her I was at Papa Murphys when I was actually at Papa Johns. She told me that I asked her to please hurry up & she was like I don't know where you are! I think that's funny. But end of story is I woke up with just my shirt one, clothes all over my room & bathroom. I'm guessing I threw up. My eye has been red/black in the corner & hurts. I couldn't find my debit card so I canceled it. Anna called me at like 1am Friday night & said she found it in her car. Too bad I already canceled it! Now I have to wait for the new one to get to my prunts house & then for them to mail it to me! I'm also out of checks so I will have to go to the bank to get money. What a pain! I'm not a big drinker, I typically don't even drink, but some days I just want to drink & not stop! Kinda weird. I think that's as eventful as my week has been.

Blake is supposed to be here this weekend. I'm not sure how that's ganna go. I'm a little nervous. He'll probably ask for Jessica's number again & then I'll quit talking to him. End of story. Oh also when I was out on Thursday I was talking to some guy & he added me on fb. We talked a little today & I guess we are going to have coffee on Wednesday. Not so sure how I feel about it, but its good to go out. I also have a date in the making for next week. I'm more excited about that one. I'm more excited to be back home & talk with some boys in person instead of chatting! Plus I will have more time this summer to date & what not than I do now. This whole HPV thing will hopefully be over by then. I have to go to the dr on Tuesday for another colposcopy & possibly freezing if needed. Ugh it's so stressful & time consuming! I just hope I can funtion afterwards because its ganna be done between classes. I don't like the idea, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do! Well I need to go shower & sleep.