I'm not really sure what I'm feeling right now. I did something I should not have done. I have not done it in so long & it was really good for me not to. I'm not going to say what I did. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I always feel used, stupid when I think back. It's hard to say what I'm feeling and not going into a lot of detail. Anyways now I will tell of my weekend.
On Thursday night Jon came up. I was so excited to see him! He & Mar are my favorite cousins & I feel like they are my brother & sister! I'm always happy to hear from them. Jon got here around 10, we loaded up his truck with a bunch of my stuff & then went dancing around 11. I danced a few times then went to sit with him at the bar. He tells the best stories. I am always laughing & feeling good. We also talk a little about serious stuff. Family stuff & what not. I feel like Jon knows more about me & how I feel than most people. He got out of BL & had a life. His was military & mine is college, but we both know what the world is like, I guess. He moved back & is doing very well for himself. This gives me faith that I will be just fine going back. There are still a lot of things that scare me about going back. The first is being able to find a job that will support me & give me the life that I want. I am good with money so I can be fine on whatever, but I want the best for myself & my family. I want to get Alex into college. I want her to experience things just like I have, minus the HPV & heart ache. I want to watch her grow up. The other thing that scares me is that I will be alone. I love Nancy, but I can't live like that. I need a husband or someone to be there with me. Family is great but I want/need more. My options in BL right now are looking good, but it's still very hard for me to open up. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to just be thrown to the side like I don't matter. Like I never mattered. I refuse to let that happen again. So I'm taking the route of not letting anyone get close.
On Friday night Chad called me around 11 & we went to CJ's. One of Gary's super hot friends, who I have always really liked was there. First thing he did when he saw me was start freaking with me. He is so freaking hot, I'm not even joking. It's still hard for me to comprehend that he showed an interest in me. So he asked about Gary & I. I told him that was over. He asked why & that he would not be a "messenger" I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He dropped it which was a relief! The whole time we were talking he was perdy much pressed against me, not that I'm complaining or anything, but he is married. & I don't play that game. So I walked away to find my friends who had disappeared. I found them & we went out to dance. Then the hot friend comes up & we start dancing. I would love to have him. He is so hot, but I could not get into it because of the wife thing. I have hung out with her to & she is really nice. Wow I still can not get over it! He is really hot! Anyways. We stopped dancing & Chad & I went home around 1:30.
It still makes me feel really good about myself to think back to that night! I'm ganna keep that memory for rough days! I worked on Saturday. Which was long & boring! It felt like it would never end! After work Blake was going out, so I offered my services as a DD which he took of course. I still feel like a booty call for him so I kept my distance this weekend. He is nice & I would like to see what would happen with us, but the past is there & the distance is not ganna make it worth the effort. Oh well, there are other fish in the sea. Right? He tried to get me to hang out all day today, but again I'm just not feeling social or like I want to let someone in. I just want to go home. I think I'm getting depressed. It's not good. I also feel super excited & I love thinking about the future so I know its just a little slump, not hard core depression like it was before. Well hmm. I really want to be in love again. I want to be happy. I want someone to be there. I want to freaking bake something! Lately this whole oven being broken is really hard! I just want to make something. To try new things, but no I can't! Less than a month & I will be able to! Yay!
My life right now is so confusing. Just like this entry. It starts out with me doing something stupid & having feelings of loss. Then goes to excitement about family & the future. Now at the end I'm confused about how I should feel. Oh another thing that has happened is an old friends ex boyfriend has been chatting with me recently & gave me his phone number. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Her being my friend makes it hard for me to think about liking him, but I do. Again though the distance thing come into play. Also with this guy one of his friends was a buddy of mine for a while. There are so many complications in life. Why can't I get have some sort of portal that I can go where ever I want in less than a minute. I can go home, but also go see these boys when I want to. See if they are really worth my time. Why does it matter if a friend dates another friends ex? I understand why, it just sucks! Also why does it feel like I have had sexual encounters with a lot of people? There seems to be some sort of something complicating things in my life! I know what I want right now, but what happens after I get that? After I move home, what happens next? Do I stay there & finish out my life or do I move to another random place to start over? What's ganna happen? I play the what if game way too much!
Also at work on Saturday Chad & Tyrone where talking about guns & shooting. I got involved in the conversation. People get so surprised to find out I have a gun, and not just one gun three. Then I get a million questions & a name like Killer. It's great fun! Oh well I don't like to hide who I am or what I do. Open & honest is how I live my life. Also on Saturday I worked with a girl who reads my status updates on FB & asked about my cervix. So I got to telling about having it frozen & it turns out another lady at work has had it done. She had to have a hysterectomy!! A lot of her woman parts are gone! She told me I need to keep an eye on it & keep having it checked! Are you kidding me?! I was just starting to feel good. Like ok the freezing took care of it, but no! Ugh! Another wrench in the life of Zana. I sure hope this whole freezing side effect does not last the full 3-4 weeks. It hasn't even been a week yet & I'm ready to be done! It's so annoying & uncomfortable. Not to mention a little embarrassing. It should be over soon & hopefully I will be able to keep my woman parts inside of me. I feel like I want to have kids, but I do not want the option to be taken away from me because I was stupid. Oh well the best I can do is take care of myself & keep a positive out look. I started taking B vitamin. I guess its going ok. I started on Tuesday so it has only been 6 days. I take 3 pills every morning now. I feel like a pill popper! At least they are to keep me healthy & not required for my life functions. Just there to keep me healthy & happy. I wish the happy part would happen! lol Well I'm ganna finish watching my Ann Frank movie & try to sleep! Maybe tomorrow my life will be a little less complicated.
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