Sissy Lala

I feel like the only time I blog is when something terrible has happened. Yet again this is the reason why I am here. October 18th Sissy died. It just brings back all the emotions of Daniel leaving me. So anyways I'll tell the story of that day. I went to work at 9. Just after I got there my dad called me. I answered and he asked what I was doing. I said working I told you I had to work today. Then he got quiet. I asked what was wrong. His voice broke, just like it did when he called me about Daniel & Spot. I walked away from the front desk knowing that this was not good news. He then told me that Sissy was hit by a car. My world froze & I started spinning. Luckily I went into a room and could sit down. I told him I would be there as soon as I could. I was crying and I'm sure not understandable. I went into Bettys office and told her I needed to go. I drove 80 and got to Raymond in 15 minutes. My dad took me to her. She was just lying there with her eyes opened. I was expecting her to be mangled and very obviously dead, but no. She looked perfect. No blood nothing. As I rested my head on her crying I swear I could feel her breathe, but she wouldn't blink. I got a blanket from the Focus and my dad handed her to me. She was so heavy. She hated being held and would get stiff, but not this time. She was heavy and limp. I put her in the car and made her comfortable. I called Ed to see if he would help me burry her with Daniel. On the drive to town I hit a crow, that's all I remember. After changing my clothes I headed out to get Ed. My dad and Alex met me at Ed's house. From there we headed up the canyon to say good bye to my favorite dog. Ed dug the hole, I tried to help, but there wasn't much room around that small hole. We found 4 rocks to place on the grave. When I picked Sissy up to put her to rest she was just as heavy but now stiff. I carried her to the hole, but I didn't want to. I wanted to just go home with her. Once I placed her in the grave I just petted her crying. Hagen asked me what was wrong. I'm just sad. Then he went back to playing with Alex. I just sat there petting her and crying for a while. Then I covered her in the blanket and started to fill in the grave. We all just stood there after looking at the rock pile. I know she will be missed by all of us. She was our reminder of Daniel. He had made her into the great dog that she was. Always loyal, faithful, and happy. Just like her daddy. When we went to leave the Explorers battery was dead. Probably because I had left the hatch open because Sissy was starting to smell. Luckily my dad had taken his truck and they went down to get jumper cables. I still want to go back and get here. I have not been back up there because I'm scared something has happened to her and that my explorer will not start again. I will never forget Sissy or Daniel. They both helped me get through tough situations. Daniel was always there when I needed help. Sissy was no different. She always made me feel safe and protected. Before Daniel died he would let me borrow Sissy when I was feeling scared. After watching the Paranormal Activity movies I was freaked out and Sissy just seemed to calm those fears. Sissy did some very crazy things. She hated strangers and some people she had met before. She was known to bite and growl. She used to have issues with Kindle, but since early Spring she has been fine around her. Sissy hated bird, cats, and pretty much any small animal and even big animals. She liked to be the dominate dog and would get into fights. She could never hold still. It was always back and forth in the truck and car. She could be a bear which consisted of standing on her back legs and walking. She would "mop" the kitchen floor multiple times a day. Just licking the whole thing. During the night she knew when I was awake and would pop her head just over the side of the bed. Scared me every time! She liked to take and hide all the toys from Scribbles. It was hard to play with Scribbles cuz Sissy would come and take the toys. When Sissy jumped on the bed with me she would scoot as close to me as she could. She always wanted her butt scratched. If you where touching her some how she always got her ass under your hand. I will miss her so much. The last few days have been very hard and I feel like I cry at the smallest reminders of Sissy or Daniel. One day I will see them again. I can not wait for that day!

Oh life....

Over the past year and a half I have realized a lot of things. First off I never knew how much Daniel actually helped me with. I'm always thinking about calling him to come help me. It's a constant struggle to not break down in tears when I need help. Another thing I have realized is how alone I am. I can't just call Daniel whenever I want/need to. I always feel lonely. Like I am missing a part of myself. Daniel was a major rock in my life. He was always encouraging and making me want to be a better person. I always wanted to be a good example to him and show him that he can do things. When my Grandpa died last month it brought back all the memories of Daniel passing on. I've had a really hard time since my grandpas death, but not with his death just with the emotions of Daniels death all over again. My grandpa lived his life. He was 83 years old. He had a good life, got to watch his kids and grandkids grow up, but Daniel left way too soon. He was only 23. The 20th he would have been 25. He was just a baby compared to my grandpa. I miss them both so much. Both of them made me feel like I was an amazing person. They didn't even have to say to me, "Hey Zana, your amazing." I just knew that they thought I was. My grandpa loved my baking. He was always so excited when I brought something or if I didn't he would always look at me after dinner and ask what was for dessert. I really miss both of those men so much. Daniel was always telling people about my degree and that his sister was so smart. It was great to know that someone was bragging about me. My parents never really cared about boosting my self-esteem. Daniel did that for me. So now without Daniel helping me build my confidence, I feel lost. I feel like nothing I do matters. I am just floating around with not point to my life. But when I am around Kindle and Hagen I feel good again. Like I want them to be something. To do something meaningful with their life's. Hopefully by seeing me achieving personal goals they will be inspired to go out and live their dreams. While I am working on my second bachelors degree I am realizing that if I want to do anything with these pieces of paper that I am working so hard to get, I am going to have to move to get experience so I can practice in Bear Lake. A degree is a great tool to have, but I can't use it without experience. Most jobs openings I look at want the degree with so many years of experience. Having been told to look for things in 3's I have had two very bold promptings about moving, plus the need for experience has me looking at possible locations. One never knows for sure what the future holds. So hopefully in 2 years I will be done with school and have my CPA so I can be ready for experience. Eek!! So many things to think about. Anyways I have cinnamon rolls in the oven and they are starting to smell done. = )

Grandma

I have been dreading this post for a long time! My Grandma died April 26, 2011. I still cry whenever I go to her grave or see her obituary or try to write this post or even think about writing this post. I just cried when I looked at her little pamphlet thing they have at funerals. It has been 2 months & I still think about her a lot. Since I have moved back from college I have been cold towards my grandma. She said some things to me that hurt me. I didn't go see her as much as I should have. Towards the end it was hard to visit her because she didn't say much & she was sick. She was in & out of the hospital a bunch of times this year. My Grandpa called me & wanted me there when the ambulance came to take her to the hospital. I will never forget going into her room & seeing her at home for the last time. I wish I would have written this sooner so I wouldn't have to think about that last week. It was so hard seeing her so frail. I'm so glad Alex didn't go see her in the hospital. I

I'm finally HAPPY!

My first pre-assessment is tomorrow. I am a little nervous, but I know that I just need a 60% and I can take the real assessment. My life has changes so much in the past 13 months. I still can not believe Daniel is gone. My heart is still broken & I cry a lot. Mostly when Stephen is gone. The other night I had a dream that Ed was kidnapped while we where going to WinCo. It was horrible! I woke up crying & I'm sure Stephen had no idea how to help me. I dream about Daniel fairly frequently. He never says anything to me. He's just there then walks away from me. Sometimes I try to go after him, sometimes I don't. I just hope he is at peace & is safe from the demonds that haunted him here. Since my last post the only new thing is that I have went back to school. I want to get my CPA, but I need more accounting credits. So I am getting another degree in accounting. I go to WGU its all online which is very nice. I am hoping that it will only take me a year and a half to complete. Looks possible so far. I need to work harder, but I do a lot of other things like babysit here & there, & help with whatever anyone needs. For the first time in my life I feel happy. Like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Not working is great, well only working every other friday is great! I am so glad that Stephen works as hard as he does so that I am able to take this little breather & get myself together. A CPA will help me get a better job. I want to be a seasonal tax person. That way I can do things with Stephen & not feel so maxed out all the time. It feels so good to be happy! I don't get angry very often. I used to be angry all the time. Literally all the time!! Now when I get mad its not even that bad. I can control it, it doesn't consume me for days. I really do have the best husband. Stephen is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. He's just great! Well I could go on and on about how amazing he is, but I need to get to bed. = )

Waiting....

This post is pretty much exactly like my last post. I still miss Daniel so much. Everyday I hurt for him. Waiting. That is all I am doing. I wait for him to walk through the door when I'm at gpas. I wait for him to txt me about picking up Sissy. I wait for any sign that this is all just one fucked up dream. It's starting to wear down my spirit, my marrage, my job, everything. I can't take much more of this pain & loneliness. I feel like no one knows what I'm going through. Tonight I googled 'my brother committed suicide.' That kind of helped, but not really. Some of the blogs I read just made me hurt worse. Some people had been without their brother for years, 21 years for one, and they all feel the same way I do right now! It never gets easier. Some people say it will get easier with time. Fuck that! It gets worse! Just makes me even more depressed to think that I have been without my baby brother for almost 9 months! 9 fucking months without my best friend. The one person who knows exactly why I do not like my mother & who I can talk openly about that issue with. No one exept Daniel can relate to me & my childhood. Ed doesn't help me much at all. I try to tell Ed things I would have told Daniel, but he doesn't get it. He can't help the way Daniel did. Anything I needed, ANYTHING he would be right over & happily do it for or with me. I can't leave town because I don't have anyone to watch my dogs & horses. Sure Mr. Caywood or my dad could, but Daniel was happy to have something to do. Or at least me made me feel like he loved helping me & taking care of the animals. He asked me if he could ride Lulu Bell & I said, "I would prefer if you didn't." I should have said yes. I should have told him yes a lot more. I just wanted to help him grow up & be responsible. Maybe I pushed to hard or was to hard on him. I should have been there for him. I keep getting memories of things we did together. Today was the first day it snowed. I love waking up to the first snow. Not today. I keep thinking about a day in high school when it had snowed a lot during the night. Daniel & I drove around before school & messed around. It was a lot of fun. This hunting season has been so hard. I keeping thinking about how Daniel & I killed our first deer on the same day. I killed a 2 point & he killed what he thought was a doe, but it had little nubbins. I went hunting with my dad this weekend. We walked around our usual places. My favorite place is Mahogony ridge. The first time I went there Daniel & I had to sit on the edge together & watch. Another time we were walking around the ridge together & something was making noise in the trees. Behind us a bull moose came walking out of the bowl. I was scared, but I always felt better when Daniel was around. I always wanted to be strong for him & he could always make me feel safe. Anyways as we were almost back to the wheeler this same bull moose showed up again. Moose scare the crap out of me. The place we have our camp set up is where Daniel wanted his ashes. So that alone makes it hard to go there. It is the same place Stephen & I got married. That camp ground holds a lot of emotions. I just want to have him back. I would do anything to just see him again. I dream about him a lot. The last dream I was able to talk to him. When I saw him I got really excited. He was just in a crowd of people & I had to try really hard to get his attention. When I did I asked what he was doing. I can't remember his answer or any other questions. I remember him laughing. Then I told him I missed him. He just gave me a look & walked away. I have a memory of him everywhere I go. The last time I saw him was in the explorer. He needed a ride to get Kindle, but she was sick so he was scared he couldn't take care of her. I told him he just needed to hold her a little more & it would be fine. He couldn't make up his mind. As we got closer to the high school I told him he needed to make up his mind. He decided not to get her. I feel so bad. Getting that phone call from my dad was the worst thing I could have imagined. I was here when we got the phone call about Ed. He was at the hospital. My mom too forever putting her shoes on. I ran the stop signs just like Ed did when we found out my parents where at the hospital the night Alex was born. I wish I would have had the chance to go see Daniel in the hospital, to at least say good bye. After my dad called I had to call Ed, Dusty, & Jon. Jon helped me tell others. It was so hard to tell them. I didn't know how so I just said it. No sugar coating it. Alex was with me so I told her too. I tried not to, but she kept asking what was wrong. She just cried and cried. I remember holding her on the bed telling her it would be ok. But it's not ok. I live in our childhood home. Worse yet is I live in his bedroom. I've thought about switching rooms, but they all hold memories. I am scared of the basement & I have to go down there to do laundry. He would come over & help me when it was dark & I couldn't go down there. When we were kids I was scared to be in the bathroom alone. It freaked me out to walk past the basement door. He would always stand outside the door & wait for me. I remember him waiting when I was taking baths too. Just hanging out in the hall waiting for me. Now I have to wait for him. Well this blog is just going on & on. I just feel like I need to get this crap out. Nothing else is happening except the constant pain. I feel like it is breaking down my marriage too. I am not a happy person right now. No one understands. Stephen has a similar experience, but it doesn't seem to eat away at his being. Most days I just want him to go away so if something happens to me he wont be sad cuz he has already moved on. I need constant attention from him or I don't feel love. Our relationship is getting older so we don't touch or talk as much which makes me feel even worse. Like why doesn't he do this anymore or why doesn't he call me as much when he's at work. I feel like he is going to leave me too so why doesn't he just do it now. This is just the worst time in my life & there is no one there to help me. The one person I could talk to about everything is gone. I love seeing Kindle & watching her grow, but whenever she leaves I cry. Daniel didn't get to see her use the potty or learn her colors. Or see her play in the leaves on Sunday. He doesn't get to teach her how to hunt. Now there is nothing that garentees that I will get to be a part of her life. I just hope that I will always get to see her, so I can let her know how great her father was. What he meant to me. How I felt when he was around & why he felt like he had to leave us. Well my eyes are killing me from crying so much. Not that that is an uncommon feeling. So I'm going to try & sleep now.

Missing him...

I've watched Kindle a few times since Daniel left. It's very nice to get to spend time with her, but it makes me very sad. I still have lots of emotion & anger. I just don't know what to do with myself. Ugh I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to be doing this blog, but I think it will help me. I'm supposed to play volleyball, but I don't want to. I don't know anyone on my team & I don't want to deal with it. At the same time I want things to change. I want everything to be different. I don't want to be reminded of Daniel everyday & when I'm doing random things. I also love when I get a random memory of him. He was a big part of my life. Even bigger than I thought. I want to see him again. I love him. My head is hurting right now cuz I'm trying not to cry. I've cried so much. I just want him back. I want to hug him, tell him I love him. Well that's all I have the patients for.

Daniel

Wow today is the worst day ever. My baby brother is gone. I just can't believe it!!! I cry every time I say it or think it. He's the one I could always count on. Whenever I needed help he would always come over. No matter what time or what I needed. I remember calling him to come help me fill up tires, or if I was scared. After watching the Paranormal activity movies with Stephen I was so freaked out I couldn't sleep alone. When Stephen went back to work I called Daniel in the middle of the night on my first night alone & he came right over to keep me safe. He stayed for 3 nights, then he left his dog with me to keep watch. Oh I just can't believe this! Why would he be so selfish!! My last memeories of him are good ones. He had such a rough year last year, but this past week he was fine. Happy, laughing. I thought things where looking up for him. Oh what happened my baby boy?!? Why you, why us?!?! I really needed you in my life. I just want an explaination. Did something push you to this? You always reached out when times got hard. Oh why didn't you call me? Why didn't I call you? What about Kindle? She needs you. We all need you! I hate seeing my dad, Alex, & Ed cry. I hate my eyes hurting. My family is hurting & I don't know what to do. I can't be at grandma's. I just keep expecting you to come out of the bedroom or come home. It is a blessing & a curse to have Sissy. She was so excited to see me yesterday morning, so I took her home thinking you would come pick her up later or I would bring her back in a day or two. She hasn't looked for you like she normally does. She seems sad, keeping coming up & putting her head on me. Didn't you think about her? Didn't you think she would be alone in the world? Just like Kindle? How could you be so selfish? Why didn't you think about me? I'm just so mad at you right now. I always will be. On those days when I know you are the only one up, like right now, & need someone to talk to, who will be there? When Stephen is gone & Jake gets out, who will help me? When Stephen's gone & I need a truck, who will help me? When I'm alone & scared of strange noises, who will help me? When I need to see my little brother, where will he be? When I'm alone & watching stupid chich flicks, who will pop in & watch them with me & not complain? Who will explain to me what's happening in Dance Moms? I know you will always be around me. I already feel you, but it's not the same. I want to smell you & tell you to stop killing yourself. I can't believe you did this to me. To us. You have broken my heart. It's so much worst then when Gary did it. Oh Daniel. I needed you, we all needed you. You where not a peice of shit, you where my brother, my first best friend. The only one I could truly count on at anytime. I figured you where strong enough to make it through this, but maybe Grandma needed you to help her through her time away from Grandpa. I know I failed you. I should have called you on Thursday when I was trying to make Jake a kennel he would stay in. I should have called you yesterday morning. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. It's all in the past & I can't change it, but I would give anything to have you back. To have talked you through this. To have held you & told you it will all be ok. Heart ache does get better with time. I should have told you that & held your hand. I should have supported you more, given you more of my time. I keep seeing you. Seeing those weird things you used to do. Answering the phone in those crazy voices. Doing stupid stuff to make me laugh. You where crazy, but you where my brother & I love you. Oh I hurt so bad. I need you Daniel. Didn't you know!! I keep thinking about the things I need help with. Lulu Bell made a hole in the hay & now the tarp has split down the middle. I need to put a new one over it, but I need help. I should have called you, but I was too made & figured I would do it later. Thursday was such a bad day for me. I almost called you so many times, but I figured you where busy helping Jon or had Kindle. I know you would have made time for me. I should have made more time for you. I am so sorry I failed you. Oh Daniel I am so sorry. I miss you, I will always miss you. Come back to me if you can. What are we going to do without you? Why didn't you think of that? I'm so torn between hating you & hating myself. My heart is broken, & I hate you for doing this to me. Now I have to deal with your mother by myself. The few hours I was with her yesterday sucked. I needed you to take me away from her. No one knows how much bs she told except you. I could get through it before knowing I could tell you about it & you would tell me about your experiences too. Oh Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. I miss you & I love you. We all do. It will never go away. Good Bye Baby Brother. In your next adventure, try not to be so selfish, & do something crazy for me! I will do my best to help Kindle through life. That is my promise to you. She will know who you where, what you where like, & why I am proud to say you are my brother. Thank you for the good times & helping me through the bad times.