It's all done

It would appear that 3 options actually meant I have found another girl. Gary has been seeing a new person this whole week. Been getting home very late, or early. We have not slept together since Saturday & we will never sleep together again. I can hardly sleep at night. Last night I got 5 hours & thought that it was good. I just don't understand how he can go from saying I wont see anyone else while your here to doing another girl, not even a month after saying it! Today has been a fairly good day though. I woke up & decided that it was going to be a good day. & it was up until Gary was home at the same time as me. It was weird. I talk to Jessica today at Winco & she said Gary was dressed weird. He was wearing those huge pants & the blue dragon shirt. He looked like a werido. Oh well, I guess when your trying to be with someone & don't want to get rejected you start making yourself into the person they want you to be. Which is what he did for me, so why not do it for the next girl. Jeff & Heather have been helping me feel better. I go to their house a bunch & stayed the night on Wednesday. I am probably ganna stay there all weekend cuz Andy & family/friends will be in town. I really hate this. I thought it was just something Gary was going through. I thought we would be able to work through it. How can he change for a new girl & not for me? I was talking to a team mate today that said she had the same experience & now she is with a person who is 10 times better. I just want someone to be there for me when I'm having a rough time like with my 407 assignment. That's what made the end of today sad for me. I'm frustrated with my homework so it makes me think about Gary being with a new girl. Me not being enough. Fuck this was such a good day, I was so happy. I am ganna make myself happy. I have friends & family to support me through this! I will be ok, I don't need a man or a boy like Gary in my life. I can take care of myself! Now back to the evil homework. Wish me luck!

3 Options

I've had a very rough week. Gary has been pushing me away again & I can't take it. Today he told me that we have 3 options: Move on, stay in the mess, or get back together. He wants to move on & I was to get back together. Why does it have to be like this? I wish I could quit loving him & move on, but I can't. I try. I want to be happy again. I was happy for a little while, then he pushes me away again. I want to be buddies like we were before this relationship mess! I had a messed up dream last night. Gary had called Charlotte & she was at my house. It made me so mad & he wouldn't tell me why he did it. There was also something wrong with Parker that he would not tell me about, but he was texting like crazy with Charlotte! So finally he told me that he called her because he thought he might have AIDs. How crazy is that? That's what I woke up to. Plus last night was I was up until 3am, same shit. I hate my life! Why do I have to love someone that wants nothing to do with me? My whole body is sad. I have lost a bunch of weight & my hair keeps falling out. I'm always sick & feel like I could throw up at anytime. My head is killing me, I just want to sleep, but it's hard to sleep. When I do get to sleep I have bad dreams. I'm so stressed out! I want to move on, but how do I do that when he's the one I want? The one my mind is made up to be with. And he wont even give me the chance to prove to him that I am the best one for him. I fucking hate this shit.

Just an update

It was my birthday not this past weekend but the one before that on the 4th. I had a good time. We went bowling & played some games. I've been drinking a bunch lately. Not sure why but probably because it helps me feel good for a little while. A bunch is once a week usually, sometimes twice. The past few weekends have been really fun. Gary & I have been going over to hang out with Jeff & Heather. That's what we did for my b-day. I'm still having trouble with my 407 class. I got an 86/200 on my last assignment plus I fail quizzes like its the cool thing to do! I just feel so behind in that class! Like I don't have the background to be in there. It's so frustrating! On top of it all I'm burnt out with school so I don't want to do homework! I had 2 exams last week that I'm sure I passed. I have an econometrics exam this week that I have no idea what to study! I'm sure I will pass all my classes except 407. I'm debating weather I should stick with it & fail or just drop it & retake it when I have a ligher load. I just know I have to take so I want to chance it because I could get a D. That's passing, right? If I drop it I will only have 14 credits this semester & therefore I would have to stay for the summer or another semester. Which right now is looking good to me. Few classes means I have more time to study & relax. I just want to be though! My dad told me the other day that my aunt can get me a job at the bank where she works. So I don't have to worry about that. It's in SLC so I will be a lot closer to home. I still want to be with Gary. That never goes away. But it's his ball so I'm just trying to do my best. I still cry a lot. Everyday is a struggle, but it seems to be getting better, I think. It snowed in BL this weekend. Mar sent me pics that I'm ganna put on here. I'm excited for the first snow! I love it! I don't want the cold though.