First week

I have failed so many quizes this week its not even funny! I hope I can start doing better. I think the teachers do quizes to see where we are at & scare off people. It makes me feel dumb. I think I will have 2 easish classes out of my 6. So I will have to work hard! Speaking of work, work study is so boring. I am there now & I just sit here & give out towels, lockers, & answer questions. The other morning Gary told me he loves me only as a friend. So that is perdy much over. I feel really horibble still, but what am I supposed to do? I have been trying really hard this past month & a half with things only getting worse & stressing me out! My stomach always hurts & I can burst out crying at any moment. Makes classes kinda hard when I have to focus on not crying! On Tuesday right when I walked in the door of my house I burst into tears! It sucks, but I hope I can get past it soon. Gary also told me today that he is ganna ride to St. Marys with a friend. So I get to stay home all alone this weekend & do nothing. Which is what I kind of wanted to do anyways. I just go to St. Marys for him, so I think it would just be weird if I was there. Betty called me tonight about Garys car & the cops, & wants me to go up there this weekend. I don't think she knows about me & Gary or the lack there of. So that would make this weekend even more joyful. I still don't understand how it can just be done, but Mar keeps telling me its for the better. I hope she is right. I think my mind is set on moving to SLC area after college. But who knows that could change. I thinks that's all I have for now.

First day of my last year

Classes started today. I think my Stat 401 class is ganna suck because the teacher talks slow. He talked about what is going to happen in the class for the full 50 minutes. It seemed like a hours! Hopefully he will be better about lecturing on stats. My BUS 490 class is going to be interesting. The teacher has a lot of energy so I will be paying attention, I hope. We have to work in groups though & I'm not so sure what is going on. Hopefully only working 10 hours a week will help me keep up. I went & talked to my supervisor so after tomorrow I will be employed!!! Yay! I'm excited to have things to do instead of sitting around. My yoga class should be fairly nice. I was nervous, but the teacher is really nice & the class is big so I wont feel like I'm being watched. Pilates is really making me nervous. The class is a begining one but the teacher sent out an email that said experiance is recommended but not required. I have a video that I do here & there so I hope that's enough. If not I guess I will be talking 19 credits instead of 20!

So I was talking with Gary last night & I'm so confused. He is waiting for something until he decides if he wants to be with me. I hate this waiting around in hopes that he might pull his head out of his ass & see how much I love him. When we where together he said he should not have to prove his love to me, but now it feels like he wants me to prove that I am right for him. How am I supposed to do that? Is being here through all the drama of his wife & family not enough? Is being here for him while he is drunk & can't take care of himself not enough? He played wow so much that I don't think any other girl would have stayed. Now it feels like none of that mattered. How I am supposed to prove that I'm the right one? Why should I have to do that? Why am I still here? That is what I keep asking myself. He is not asking me to stay nor is he asking me to leave. I feel stuck here. I don't want to move again & I don't want to lose him, but his waiting around is getting to me. Life sucks! I'm just glad I have people to turn to who have been here before. Well I better get to bed, I have a huge day tomorrow!

Back to School Shopping

Gary & I went to Lewiston today to do some shopping for school. I was not in the mood to shop so I didn't get much. Gary on the other hand went crazy! Usually he doesn't like to shop & I'm the one going crazy! Over all the day was good. We had a rough spot at first cuz Gary was grouchy & it made me feel uncomfortable, but after we ate he felt better. Tomorrow we might do a bit more, who knows. I still need to go make sure I know where all my classrooms are. I am fairly certain I know where they all are except one that is in a building I have never had a class in. I do know where the building is so it should not be hard. Well that's all the happenings of the day.

It's A New Day

I'm feeling really good so far today. I think its because financial aid came through & I have money!! Saidly I have spent almost $1000 of it so far today on things for school! I paid rent & got my books. Books blow! I just spent $426 & I still have a $100 book to buy! WTF! Now I just have to get my school stuff like a backpack & notebooks plus some clothes, but nothing too expensive! Then I'm back to being broke until I start working. Gary made the comment today that when he first met me I was making $9 an hour & I keep going down in pay, now I'm at minimum wage! I just get bored & have to move on. I'm getting kinda nervous about classes starting. I really want to do good this year. Working 10 hours a week will really help. I just need to study more.
I'm feeling better about breaking up. It's nice to have my own space, but still beable to go hug Gary when I feel like it or just go talk. We sleep separatly, but I've been waking up at 6 with Scribbles then getting her back to sleep. After she goes back to sleep I go lay with Gary for a little while. It just feels good.
My new washer is amazing! I washed everything in the house already! When I washed whites yesterday it messed them up! I don't know what happened, but I think because the pipes had not been used in a while the rust came off onto the clothes. So now the whites are a rust color. It's gross! But other than that I have no problems with the machine. It so quiet, too. I thought it would bang around & make some noise, but it doesn't! Well that's all I have for now! Hopefully my happyness last for a few days.

New Washer!!

My washer was delivered today around 2. It is not as big as it looked in the store, which makes me very happy! I may have ruined some clothes because I usually wash towels in with whites & I guess I can't do that with a front load washer. My bad! I'm rewashing them now to see if they will come clean. I hope so, I messed up some of Gary's clothes & I feel bad. I went to my orientation session for work study today. I was perdy basic. I should only have to work around 10 hours a week to make the $250 a month I need. I'm excited! I usually have to work at least 20 hours a week so 10 will be amazing! Maybe I will beable to boost my GPA or at least have time for some fun! I'm feeling a bit better about the break up. I have been having bad dreams about Gary writing emails to his exwife. Last night I was sleeping in his room while he played wow & had a dream that while I was sleeping he was writing her saying stuff like we this & we that, we being him & her. I woke up fairly upset. Gary says that she has been writing him emails. She has been writing him emails the whole time we were together. It made me feel uncomfortable & like I was just a filler until they got back together. Now I feel even worse because they are writing again. If he still wants to be with her that is fine, but why get a devorice? I've been with him throught a lot of things that I'm fairly certain most girls would not have stuck by him through. & now that means nothing, that's what I feel like. Just a little venting! Gary baught me his favorite book to read. I thought it was going to be dumb, but so far I like it. It's called Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind. They are making a TV series out of it & we will end up watching it so I guess I need the background. Well I think that's all the events of the day.

Hmm

I'm feeling anger today. I don't like that I feel used or possibly lied to. I am starting to lose hope in love. When you love someone & would do anything for them then find out some secrets, it makes the pain of the love go away. That feeling of love gets lost when the feelings of pain & anger take over. I want to feel the love & think that people are good. Now I think I am the good one. I'm listening to the song Better Than Me by Hinder, & I think I deserve better. I deserve better & even if it means I am to be alone at least I will be with someone who I know loves me & wants the best for me. That's all I have. Life goes on & I'll be ok.

Sad Sad

It's over for me & Gary. I hate saying it, I hate thinking it, but its over. My world, my future was so brite & clear until last month. Now its a dark & scary place. I am moving on, I don't feel the urge to tell Gary I love him any more. I still do love him & I probably always will. We are still friends & buddies, but its hard. I still cry, like I am now, but there is a little hope for a bright future. I talked to Ed & he makes me feel better. He has been where I am & he said I will stop cry, but I wont get over loving Gary. Yesterday was a perdy good day. I felt ok. Today I woke up walked away & felt good. Andy came over & it was weird. Gary says I keep trying to sell him a washer (inside thing). I just can't understand how love can be gone. How he can't try. How a person can lose hope in someone they once thought of as a soul mate? How does that happen? Why didn't I try sooner? How could I put myself & Gary through this? It's hard.

On a kind of happier note, Gary & Andy took the couches away & I get a new washer on Thurdays. I have so much laundry! It's crazy. That's the happy I have right now.