Not fair

I just burst out crying for the first time in weeks. I can still be slapped across the face with a memory. I'll show you what's no fair asshole. Not fair is me crying over some stupid guy how is not worth my time. Me being hurt because I trusted you. I gave you me. Not fair is me not be able to be myself around a new guy because of you. Not fair me having to wait to have sex until a test comes back, but you can fuck who ever you want. Not fair me scared that my vagina might have to be frozen. Not fair my fear of someday not being able to have children. Not fair is the time I wasted with you instead of being with my family. Not fair is putting your needs & wants before my own. Not fair is me giving up my apartment. Not fair is the past 5 months of my life. Not fair is her not knowing who you really are. Not fair is me knowing who you are & not being able to help another avoid your pain. Not fair is how much I want to beat the shit out of something. Not fair is me forgetting everything I need at the store because I saw your fucking car. Not fair. I will show you not fair when you realize what you lost. Not fair is having a hard semester made harder because of the emotional roller coster you had me on for it. Not fair is knowing I am better than this, better than you, but I still stayed with you. Not fair is me listening to you over others I trusted more telling me no. Not fair, I will show you not fair. Not fair is how alone I feel, how empty I am. Not fair is you hiding behind God when he knows what you have done. Not fair is what your ganna say when God passes judgement on you.

It's been a while

Lots of new things since my last post. I've been blogging on myspace a lot, so this one gets put on the back burner. I moved in with some strangers the thursday before Thanksgiving. It's going really well! My room mate is super nice & we get along perfectly! We talk when we are both home & its not weird. I think I'm a better people person & better at conversation now than I have ever been! My personality is changing. I feel so much better about myself & more confident. I really needed this change.

I've been hanging out with this guy from work. He is nice & we have fun, but he only invites me out to the bars with him. I'm not a big fan of bars, but I have been going because I want to hang out with him. Yesterday he asked if I wanted to go to lunch with him. I said no because I had just eaten. He said that was cool then a little bit later asked if I wanted to hang out. I was like sure. It was 5pm & he took me to the bar! I was not expecting it & had plans with a friend at 7. I told him I didn't want to be around the smoke. He said that since it was 5 there wouldn't be anyone smoking & I would be fine. Shortly after we got there he started smoke & smoked like 4 in the 1.5 hours we were there! It kinda pisses me off. He just expects that I will go out with him everytime he askes. Today he asked if I was ganna hang out with him again. I said no because he is not going out until 11:30. I have a bunch of homework to get done & stuff to do tomorrow & I don't want to be hung over while trying to do them. He sent a message back saying I need to ask to hang out next time because I keep telling him no. I'm just sick of going to the bars, smelling bad, & feeling like crap the next day! Seriously! I'm sure he didn't mean it as rude. He is from another country too, so there is a cuture difference. Well anyways I need to get to sleep. I think that's all the news I have anyways. Only 1 week left of classes then finals week! Yay!

I'm out!

I finished moving my stuff out yesterday. Happy, sad moment. I had a rough day & today is kinda gloomy. I know I will be ok in the end, but it still hurts to know that I was lied to & cheated on. The worst thing is wondering why. Why did he have to do this to me? He could have chosen so dumb slut to do it to, but he chose me. Took away my freedom & then told me I was not independent. I'm sorry thats fucked up. I cried Saturday after selling the washer for the first time in like week or more. Then last night/yesterday was very emotional. I just can't understand how a person can treat another person like that. Even on my worst mean, hating day I could never lie to someone & give them hope. I just don't get it. Oh welll you live you learn.

On a happy note I'm going to Boise this weekend to party a little. I'm excited! I really want to just forget about things & be single & have fun! I'm a little nervous about what will happen, but I'm determined to have fun. Dance my cares away!

I went on a date last week & it was totally not worth my time. The guy didn't even open any doors for me! How lame is that? I told him I had other plans for after the date & he kept trying to get me to go over to his place & watch a movie. I also had plans for Saturday night & he could not understand that either! Seriously I'm not looking for someone to take over my life! Been there, done that. I'm looking for someone to have fun with. Someone I can hang out with.

I don't really thing here is anything else going on. I have 3 exams this week. One today & 2 tomorrow & I'm not ganna do very well on any of them. My head is not in the right spot. Thanks dick! I just hope that I can get some of the money out of him. Why was I so stupid! I saw this coming & still let it happen!

I'm moving out!

I have decided to move out earlier than expected. I was trying to wait until the end of December so I could move into my new apartment without having to move 2 times within a month. Now I get to move twice in 2 months! Yay me! By the end of this year I will have moved 3 times, doubling how many times I have moved in my whole life! These past few weeks have been really great compared to the emotional roller coaster Gary had me on for the past 3 months. I have found that I have family & friends that I can count on & I wish I would have listened to them a year & a half ago when they tried to warn me! Or even in the Spring when people told me to think again about moving in with Gary. Oh well the past is the past I now I can make better decisions for myself. I just wish I would not have put the washer in my name or opened a cell phone for him cuz now I'm stuck with the bills! I'm in the process of selling the washer, which so far has not gotten any hits. If it does not sell by Wednesday Sears will take it back, but I still have to pay like $250 for a washer I will not longer have! I'm trying to get a family friend to store it for me & if that goes through than I may keep it. I do like the washer, but I let myself get talked into it. I'm going to work on not letting people walk over me. I want to stand up for myself & get what I want. It's my life! Well anyways I ganna try to get some sleep. This time change has helped me get a little more sleep than usual except last night!

On Sunday I gave Scribbles away. I'm sad & I miss her but I'm glad I did it. She needs someone who can give her more attention than I can right now. She did really good on the car ride to Boise. I thought she would be whinny & freaking out, but she just watched out the windows. I think she enjoyed it! I don't think I have anything else....Nope I don't

It's all done

It would appear that 3 options actually meant I have found another girl. Gary has been seeing a new person this whole week. Been getting home very late, or early. We have not slept together since Saturday & we will never sleep together again. I can hardly sleep at night. Last night I got 5 hours & thought that it was good. I just don't understand how he can go from saying I wont see anyone else while your here to doing another girl, not even a month after saying it! Today has been a fairly good day though. I woke up & decided that it was going to be a good day. & it was up until Gary was home at the same time as me. It was weird. I talk to Jessica today at Winco & she said Gary was dressed weird. He was wearing those huge pants & the blue dragon shirt. He looked like a werido. Oh well, I guess when your trying to be with someone & don't want to get rejected you start making yourself into the person they want you to be. Which is what he did for me, so why not do it for the next girl. Jeff & Heather have been helping me feel better. I go to their house a bunch & stayed the night on Wednesday. I am probably ganna stay there all weekend cuz Andy & family/friends will be in town. I really hate this. I thought it was just something Gary was going through. I thought we would be able to work through it. How can he change for a new girl & not for me? I was talking to a team mate today that said she had the same experience & now she is with a person who is 10 times better. I just want someone to be there for me when I'm having a rough time like with my 407 assignment. That's what made the end of today sad for me. I'm frustrated with my homework so it makes me think about Gary being with a new girl. Me not being enough. Fuck this was such a good day, I was so happy. I am ganna make myself happy. I have friends & family to support me through this! I will be ok, I don't need a man or a boy like Gary in my life. I can take care of myself! Now back to the evil homework. Wish me luck!

3 Options

I've had a very rough week. Gary has been pushing me away again & I can't take it. Today he told me that we have 3 options: Move on, stay in the mess, or get back together. He wants to move on & I was to get back together. Why does it have to be like this? I wish I could quit loving him & move on, but I can't. I try. I want to be happy again. I was happy for a little while, then he pushes me away again. I want to be buddies like we were before this relationship mess! I had a messed up dream last night. Gary had called Charlotte & she was at my house. It made me so mad & he wouldn't tell me why he did it. There was also something wrong with Parker that he would not tell me about, but he was texting like crazy with Charlotte! So finally he told me that he called her because he thought he might have AIDs. How crazy is that? That's what I woke up to. Plus last night was I was up until 3am, same shit. I hate my life! Why do I have to love someone that wants nothing to do with me? My whole body is sad. I have lost a bunch of weight & my hair keeps falling out. I'm always sick & feel like I could throw up at anytime. My head is killing me, I just want to sleep, but it's hard to sleep. When I do get to sleep I have bad dreams. I'm so stressed out! I want to move on, but how do I do that when he's the one I want? The one my mind is made up to be with. And he wont even give me the chance to prove to him that I am the best one for him. I fucking hate this shit.

Just an update

It was my birthday not this past weekend but the one before that on the 4th. I had a good time. We went bowling & played some games. I've been drinking a bunch lately. Not sure why but probably because it helps me feel good for a little while. A bunch is once a week usually, sometimes twice. The past few weekends have been really fun. Gary & I have been going over to hang out with Jeff & Heather. That's what we did for my b-day. I'm still having trouble with my 407 class. I got an 86/200 on my last assignment plus I fail quizzes like its the cool thing to do! I just feel so behind in that class! Like I don't have the background to be in there. It's so frustrating! On top of it all I'm burnt out with school so I don't want to do homework! I had 2 exams last week that I'm sure I passed. I have an econometrics exam this week that I have no idea what to study! I'm sure I will pass all my classes except 407. I'm debating weather I should stick with it & fail or just drop it & retake it when I have a ligher load. I just know I have to take so I want to chance it because I could get a D. That's passing, right? If I drop it I will only have 14 credits this semester & therefore I would have to stay for the summer or another semester. Which right now is looking good to me. Few classes means I have more time to study & relax. I just want to be though! My dad told me the other day that my aunt can get me a job at the bank where she works. So I don't have to worry about that. It's in SLC so I will be a lot closer to home. I still want to be with Gary. That never goes away. But it's his ball so I'm just trying to do my best. I still cry a lot. Everyday is a struggle, but it seems to be getting better, I think. It snowed in BL this weekend. Mar sent me pics that I'm ganna put on here. I'm excited for the first snow! I love it! I don't want the cold though.