Missing him...

I've watched Kindle a few times since Daniel left. It's very nice to get to spend time with her, but it makes me very sad. I still have lots of emotion & anger. I just don't know what to do with myself. Ugh I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to be doing this blog, but I think it will help me. I'm supposed to play volleyball, but I don't want to. I don't know anyone on my team & I don't want to deal with it. At the same time I want things to change. I want everything to be different. I don't want to be reminded of Daniel everyday & when I'm doing random things. I also love when I get a random memory of him. He was a big part of my life. Even bigger than I thought. I want to see him again. I love him. My head is hurting right now cuz I'm trying not to cry. I've cried so much. I just want him back. I want to hug him, tell him I love him. Well that's all I have the patients for.

Daniel

Wow today is the worst day ever. My baby brother is gone. I just can't believe it!!! I cry every time I say it or think it. He's the one I could always count on. Whenever I needed help he would always come over. No matter what time or what I needed. I remember calling him to come help me fill up tires, or if I was scared. After watching the Paranormal activity movies with Stephen I was so freaked out I couldn't sleep alone. When Stephen went back to work I called Daniel in the middle of the night on my first night alone & he came right over to keep me safe. He stayed for 3 nights, then he left his dog with me to keep watch. Oh I just can't believe this! Why would he be so selfish!! My last memeories of him are good ones. He had such a rough year last year, but this past week he was fine. Happy, laughing. I thought things where looking up for him. Oh what happened my baby boy?!? Why you, why us?!?! I really needed you in my life. I just want an explaination. Did something push you to this? You always reached out when times got hard. Oh why didn't you call me? Why didn't I call you? What about Kindle? She needs you. We all need you! I hate seeing my dad, Alex, & Ed cry. I hate my eyes hurting. My family is hurting & I don't know what to do. I can't be at grandma's. I just keep expecting you to come out of the bedroom or come home. It is a blessing & a curse to have Sissy. She was so excited to see me yesterday morning, so I took her home thinking you would come pick her up later or I would bring her back in a day or two. She hasn't looked for you like she normally does. She seems sad, keeping coming up & putting her head on me. Didn't you think about her? Didn't you think she would be alone in the world? Just like Kindle? How could you be so selfish? Why didn't you think about me? I'm just so mad at you right now. I always will be. On those days when I know you are the only one up, like right now, & need someone to talk to, who will be there? When Stephen is gone & Jake gets out, who will help me? When Stephen's gone & I need a truck, who will help me? When I'm alone & scared of strange noises, who will help me? When I need to see my little brother, where will he be? When I'm alone & watching stupid chich flicks, who will pop in & watch them with me & not complain? Who will explain to me what's happening in Dance Moms? I know you will always be around me. I already feel you, but it's not the same. I want to smell you & tell you to stop killing yourself. I can't believe you did this to me. To us. You have broken my heart. It's so much worst then when Gary did it. Oh Daniel. I needed you, we all needed you. You where not a peice of shit, you where my brother, my first best friend. The only one I could truly count on at anytime. I figured you where strong enough to make it through this, but maybe Grandma needed you to help her through her time away from Grandpa. I know I failed you. I should have called you on Thursday when I was trying to make Jake a kennel he would stay in. I should have called you yesterday morning. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. It's all in the past & I can't change it, but I would give anything to have you back. To have talked you through this. To have held you & told you it will all be ok. Heart ache does get better with time. I should have told you that & held your hand. I should have supported you more, given you more of my time. I keep seeing you. Seeing those weird things you used to do. Answering the phone in those crazy voices. Doing stupid stuff to make me laugh. You where crazy, but you where my brother & I love you. Oh I hurt so bad. I need you Daniel. Didn't you know!! I keep thinking about the things I need help with. Lulu Bell made a hole in the hay & now the tarp has split down the middle. I need to put a new one over it, but I need help. I should have called you, but I was too made & figured I would do it later. Thursday was such a bad day for me. I almost called you so many times, but I figured you where busy helping Jon or had Kindle. I know you would have made time for me. I should have made more time for you. I am so sorry I failed you. Oh Daniel I am so sorry. I miss you, I will always miss you. Come back to me if you can. What are we going to do without you? Why didn't you think of that? I'm so torn between hating you & hating myself. My heart is broken, & I hate you for doing this to me. Now I have to deal with your mother by myself. The few hours I was with her yesterday sucked. I needed you to take me away from her. No one knows how much bs she told except you. I could get through it before knowing I could tell you about it & you would tell me about your experiences too. Oh Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. I miss you & I love you. We all do. It will never go away. Good Bye Baby Brother. In your next adventure, try not to be so selfish, & do something crazy for me! I will do my best to help Kindle through life. That is my promise to you. She will know who you where, what you where like, & why I am proud to say you are my brother. Thank you for the good times & helping me through the bad times.

Confused or Tired, not sure which!

I'm feeling a lot of things right now. I feel like I should have had a different wedding. I keep looking at other peoples wedding pictures & I'm jealous that I didn't have anything like what they have. I loved my reception & wedding, it was me, but sometimes I wish it was more. I really feel like I need to cry. Not sure why. I have been crying a little everyday. For random reasons. Mostly Denise, but other things too. I can't help but think that my life is missing something exciting. I want something great to happen. I want so much right now! I want a new car, my kitchen, a laundry room, a fenced in yard, iPad, Stephen home every night, oh the list could go on for days! Wow I really need to sleep! Maybe I'll finish this later. Gotta get some wood then pass out!

Lost Life...

Wow it has been a long time since I blogged! I wish it was for better reasons, but its a sad post. Denise died. I've cried for the past few days off & on. She was such a great person. Always happy. I didn't know her as well as I would have liked to, but isnt that always the story? She is the closets person to me that has died. My Grandpa Wirth died when I was in 2nd grade. I don't remember much about him. He was always quiet. I remember seeing him & he was in the hospital bed in the living room, or he was in the hospital. The next time he was fine & gave us all hugs. Then he was gone. I remember going to the viewing. I walked up to the casket & seeing him laying there. My cousin Ben was laughing. I knew that wasn't right for him to be laughing. I remember my dad crying at the funeral & my mom made me switch her spots so she could sit by him. The next funeral I went to was a classmates. I didn't know him either. Just knew him from school. I didn't see the body. I just went cuz I was in the choir & we sang at it. My Uncle Roy died while I was in high school. He had complications with mixing his meds & alcohol. From what I hear it was not on purpose, someone gave it to him as joke & it killed him. He come up a few times in the summers when I was a kid. He had a different girlfriend every time he came up. He was nice. Helped my dad do some projects with the house. Adding the attic & with the chimney. When I was little we would go to the lake every weekend with the Kallstrom family & we would camp for a week out there with them. I would go babysit for them when they needed me. I remember I was babysitting for them when it was new years 2000. I was nervous because of all the Y2K things. Like the power was going to go out & all that. Nothing happened! lol I remember babysitting another time & I was making dinner. I had Kataya helping me stir the noodles. I talked to her about not touching the hot stove. I moved the pan to dump the noodle in the stainer. I turned to get her down & she put her hand on the burner. I was scared I was going to get into trouble. I put her hand in water & called Denise. She didn't get mad! She just said that I did the right thing getting it into water. She stopped by & checked on it. She was glad that I knew what to do & went back out. I felt bad that I let them down, but I was happy that I knew what to do. Denise & Jeff came to my reception. They even came a day early! lol I am so happy they came! Stephens family out numbered mine by a lot & I felt happy that they took the time to come. It's still hard for me to believe she is gone. She was always so happy & willing to help. I know she tried to help my grandma manage her diabetic issues. I've been preparing myself for my grandma passing away, but I didn't think anyone else would be going so soon. My grandma has pancreas cancer. The doctors gave her a few years to live. The cancer is staying the same & they cant do surgery. I just hope Denise is happy where she is now. If there is a life after death I'm sure she is happy to be reunited with her son & father, but we will miss her here. I feel so bad for her girls. She was a great mother & now they have to face the world alone. Life is hard without a mother. I can only image what it is like to lose a mother, especially one that loved you & wanted the best for you. RIP Denise. You will be missed!

Life has been going good for me besides this last week. I can't believe I haven't wrote in a long time! The wedding was really basic & fast. I liked it. Wish it was a little different, but its all done & it was good. I just keep thinking about the woman Denise was & what I want to be. She will always be an example to me. I wish I had mother like her. I know this is hitting Nancy hard. My heart hurts for her. 49. Way too young to be gone! The other day I was asking Alex what she was going to do with her money. I said she should put it in the bank cuz college is getting expensive. My smart, wanting the best for her kids, said then she just wont go. Like are you kidding me? Would you rather your child end up like you? Get pregnant just to keep a nigger?(thank you Chris Rock) Does she not see the struggles she went through/is going through? She is married to a man who doesn't love her & only is around because of the kids. That is not a good life for us kids or for my dad. What is she thinking? Makes me so fucking mad. Sometimes I just want to punch her, I don't though cuz I know it wont help anything. I just walk away & do my best to not come into contact with her. I hope Alex is smart enough to see that life is not over after high school. I love the campaign about going on after high school. I would love to see Alex be a doctor. She is smart enough & with some encouragement she can make it. If I would have had a stronger push for college & more support I might have done better & went on for a masters. Had I picked a better major I would have done lots better too! I love her so much! I would hate to see her talent crushed by her mother. I will do my best to support her in whatever life throws at her. I want her to know that she can do whatever she wants. She is so smart & beautiful that she can do whatever she wants. I just have to keep her from listening to her mother. I just hate that I have to fight to get her to understand her potential & that the world is full of amazing things. This is just making me mad. I better go clean.

I really don't like this! I thought planning a wedding was supposed to be the best part about being a girl!?! I hate it. I just want this shit to be over with so I don't have to deal with it anymore. I feel so stressed out. I was getting really into it then we had an issue over the weekend & I don't like it even more than I didn't like it before the issue. I can't even cry about it anymore. I'm done with it. I'm ready to bag the whole reception shit & just get married & not have to deal with decorations or a freaking breakfast/lunch before the reception. AHHHHH!! I would rather be in finals week! Oh man there is so much I want to get out right now, but I know it's not a good idea, which makes it even worse!

I'm engaged!!!

So I got my ring on Saturday. It's getting sized again. I should have it by the 23rd when Stephen gets back from work. I'm not excited for the whole wedding issue. I'm just ready for it to be over. There are so many other things I would rather do. It makes me feel like a failure as a girl, but its just not me. I never was a girl who always thought about their wedding & planned it for years. Oh well. It's not like I have to do something extreme or have tons of people there. We are going to have 2 people each there. Well I just had to get that out!

Gmas house is gone. = (

My back is killing me! It has been "out" since January, but I woke up on Thursday and it was way out! It hurts to sit too long & if I don't wiggle much it really hurts when I do! I just hope it goes away soon! Ed stepped on it last night & it felt a little better today. Last time he did if for me it felt good for a while. Not 100% though. It just soo annoying! We had volleyball tournaments on Saturday. We finally won a game! It was great, but then we lost the next 2. I enjoyed myself. Too bad its over! Bowling is over too. I got most improved bowler. My average went up by 15 pins! So that's really good. That's about all the excitement in my life.

We finally got the middle room cleaned up! I have my sewing machine set up in there & started my quilt. It's fun! I really enjoy it. We have decided to paint the room blue. Light blue on the top and then a rail with the bottom blue stripes. In my mind it looks great! I can not wait for it to be done! I always think about ton's of things to blog about but I can't think of any now. Oh yeah, they tore down grandma's house today. I thought I could handle seeing it gone, but it was hard seeing the pile of crap where the house used to stand. Very sad. I cried all the way home. Then I took Scribbles for a walk/jog and it helped me deal with it.