Grandma

I have been dreading this post for a long time! My Grandma died April 26, 2011. I still cry whenever I go to her grave or see her obituary or try to write this post or even think about writing this post. I just cried when I looked at her little pamphlet thing they have at funerals. It has been 2 months & I still think about her a lot. Since I have moved back from college I have been cold towards my grandma. She said some things to me that hurt me. I didn't go see her as much as I should have. Towards the end it was hard to visit her because she didn't say much & she was sick. She was in & out of the hospital a bunch of times this year. My Grandpa called me & wanted me there when the ambulance came to take her to the hospital. I will never forget going into her room & seeing her at home for the last time. I wish I would have written this sooner so I wouldn't have to think about that last week. It was so hard seeing her so frail. I'm so glad Alex didn't go see her in the hospital. I

I'm finally HAPPY!

My first pre-assessment is tomorrow. I am a little nervous, but I know that I just need a 60% and I can take the real assessment. My life has changes so much in the past 13 months. I still can not believe Daniel is gone. My heart is still broken & I cry a lot. Mostly when Stephen is gone. The other night I had a dream that Ed was kidnapped while we where going to WinCo. It was horrible! I woke up crying & I'm sure Stephen had no idea how to help me. I dream about Daniel fairly frequently. He never says anything to me. He's just there then walks away from me. Sometimes I try to go after him, sometimes I don't. I just hope he is at peace & is safe from the demonds that haunted him here. Since my last post the only new thing is that I have went back to school. I want to get my CPA, but I need more accounting credits. So I am getting another degree in accounting. I go to WGU its all online which is very nice. I am hoping that it will only take me a year and a half to complete. Looks possible so far. I need to work harder, but I do a lot of other things like babysit here & there, & help with whatever anyone needs. For the first time in my life I feel happy. Like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Not working is great, well only working every other friday is great! I am so glad that Stephen works as hard as he does so that I am able to take this little breather & get myself together. A CPA will help me get a better job. I want to be a seasonal tax person. That way I can do things with Stephen & not feel so maxed out all the time. It feels so good to be happy! I don't get angry very often. I used to be angry all the time. Literally all the time!! Now when I get mad its not even that bad. I can control it, it doesn't consume me for days. I really do have the best husband. Stephen is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. He's just great! Well I could go on and on about how amazing he is, but I need to get to bed. = )

Waiting....

This post is pretty much exactly like my last post. I still miss Daniel so much. Everyday I hurt for him. Waiting. That is all I am doing. I wait for him to walk through the door when I'm at gpas. I wait for him to txt me about picking up Sissy. I wait for any sign that this is all just one fucked up dream. It's starting to wear down my spirit, my marrage, my job, everything. I can't take much more of this pain & loneliness. I feel like no one knows what I'm going through. Tonight I googled 'my brother committed suicide.' That kind of helped, but not really. Some of the blogs I read just made me hurt worse. Some people had been without their brother for years, 21 years for one, and they all feel the same way I do right now! It never gets easier. Some people say it will get easier with time. Fuck that! It gets worse! Just makes me even more depressed to think that I have been without my baby brother for almost 9 months! 9 fucking months without my best friend. The one person who knows exactly why I do not like my mother & who I can talk openly about that issue with. No one exept Daniel can relate to me & my childhood. Ed doesn't help me much at all. I try to tell Ed things I would have told Daniel, but he doesn't get it. He can't help the way Daniel did. Anything I needed, ANYTHING he would be right over & happily do it for or with me. I can't leave town because I don't have anyone to watch my dogs & horses. Sure Mr. Caywood or my dad could, but Daniel was happy to have something to do. Or at least me made me feel like he loved helping me & taking care of the animals. He asked me if he could ride Lulu Bell & I said, "I would prefer if you didn't." I should have said yes. I should have told him yes a lot more. I just wanted to help him grow up & be responsible. Maybe I pushed to hard or was to hard on him. I should have been there for him. I keep getting memories of things we did together. Today was the first day it snowed. I love waking up to the first snow. Not today. I keep thinking about a day in high school when it had snowed a lot during the night. Daniel & I drove around before school & messed around. It was a lot of fun. This hunting season has been so hard. I keeping thinking about how Daniel & I killed our first deer on the same day. I killed a 2 point & he killed what he thought was a doe, but it had little nubbins. I went hunting with my dad this weekend. We walked around our usual places. My favorite place is Mahogony ridge. The first time I went there Daniel & I had to sit on the edge together & watch. Another time we were walking around the ridge together & something was making noise in the trees. Behind us a bull moose came walking out of the bowl. I was scared, but I always felt better when Daniel was around. I always wanted to be strong for him & he could always make me feel safe. Anyways as we were almost back to the wheeler this same bull moose showed up again. Moose scare the crap out of me. The place we have our camp set up is where Daniel wanted his ashes. So that alone makes it hard to go there. It is the same place Stephen & I got married. That camp ground holds a lot of emotions. I just want to have him back. I would do anything to just see him again. I dream about him a lot. The last dream I was able to talk to him. When I saw him I got really excited. He was just in a crowd of people & I had to try really hard to get his attention. When I did I asked what he was doing. I can't remember his answer or any other questions. I remember him laughing. Then I told him I missed him. He just gave me a look & walked away. I have a memory of him everywhere I go. The last time I saw him was in the explorer. He needed a ride to get Kindle, but she was sick so he was scared he couldn't take care of her. I told him he just needed to hold her a little more & it would be fine. He couldn't make up his mind. As we got closer to the high school I told him he needed to make up his mind. He decided not to get her. I feel so bad. Getting that phone call from my dad was the worst thing I could have imagined. I was here when we got the phone call about Ed. He was at the hospital. My mom too forever putting her shoes on. I ran the stop signs just like Ed did when we found out my parents where at the hospital the night Alex was born. I wish I would have had the chance to go see Daniel in the hospital, to at least say good bye. After my dad called I had to call Ed, Dusty, & Jon. Jon helped me tell others. It was so hard to tell them. I didn't know how so I just said it. No sugar coating it. Alex was with me so I told her too. I tried not to, but she kept asking what was wrong. She just cried and cried. I remember holding her on the bed telling her it would be ok. But it's not ok. I live in our childhood home. Worse yet is I live in his bedroom. I've thought about switching rooms, but they all hold memories. I am scared of the basement & I have to go down there to do laundry. He would come over & help me when it was dark & I couldn't go down there. When we were kids I was scared to be in the bathroom alone. It freaked me out to walk past the basement door. He would always stand outside the door & wait for me. I remember him waiting when I was taking baths too. Just hanging out in the hall waiting for me. Now I have to wait for him. Well this blog is just going on & on. I just feel like I need to get this crap out. Nothing else is happening except the constant pain. I feel like it is breaking down my marriage too. I am not a happy person right now. No one understands. Stephen has a similar experience, but it doesn't seem to eat away at his being. Most days I just want him to go away so if something happens to me he wont be sad cuz he has already moved on. I need constant attention from him or I don't feel love. Our relationship is getting older so we don't touch or talk as much which makes me feel even worse. Like why doesn't he do this anymore or why doesn't he call me as much when he's at work. I feel like he is going to leave me too so why doesn't he just do it now. This is just the worst time in my life & there is no one there to help me. The one person I could talk to about everything is gone. I love seeing Kindle & watching her grow, but whenever she leaves I cry. Daniel didn't get to see her use the potty or learn her colors. Or see her play in the leaves on Sunday. He doesn't get to teach her how to hunt. Now there is nothing that garentees that I will get to be a part of her life. I just hope that I will always get to see her, so I can let her know how great her father was. What he meant to me. How I felt when he was around & why he felt like he had to leave us. Well my eyes are killing me from crying so much. Not that that is an uncommon feeling. So I'm going to try & sleep now.

Missing him...

I've watched Kindle a few times since Daniel left. It's very nice to get to spend time with her, but it makes me very sad. I still have lots of emotion & anger. I just don't know what to do with myself. Ugh I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to be doing this blog, but I think it will help me. I'm supposed to play volleyball, but I don't want to. I don't know anyone on my team & I don't want to deal with it. At the same time I want things to change. I want everything to be different. I don't want to be reminded of Daniel everyday & when I'm doing random things. I also love when I get a random memory of him. He was a big part of my life. Even bigger than I thought. I want to see him again. I love him. My head is hurting right now cuz I'm trying not to cry. I've cried so much. I just want him back. I want to hug him, tell him I love him. Well that's all I have the patients for.

Daniel

Wow today is the worst day ever. My baby brother is gone. I just can't believe it!!! I cry every time I say it or think it. He's the one I could always count on. Whenever I needed help he would always come over. No matter what time or what I needed. I remember calling him to come help me fill up tires, or if I was scared. After watching the Paranormal activity movies with Stephen I was so freaked out I couldn't sleep alone. When Stephen went back to work I called Daniel in the middle of the night on my first night alone & he came right over to keep me safe. He stayed for 3 nights, then he left his dog with me to keep watch. Oh I just can't believe this! Why would he be so selfish!! My last memeories of him are good ones. He had such a rough year last year, but this past week he was fine. Happy, laughing. I thought things where looking up for him. Oh what happened my baby boy?!? Why you, why us?!?! I really needed you in my life. I just want an explaination. Did something push you to this? You always reached out when times got hard. Oh why didn't you call me? Why didn't I call you? What about Kindle? She needs you. We all need you! I hate seeing my dad, Alex, & Ed cry. I hate my eyes hurting. My family is hurting & I don't know what to do. I can't be at grandma's. I just keep expecting you to come out of the bedroom or come home. It is a blessing & a curse to have Sissy. She was so excited to see me yesterday morning, so I took her home thinking you would come pick her up later or I would bring her back in a day or two. She hasn't looked for you like she normally does. She seems sad, keeping coming up & putting her head on me. Didn't you think about her? Didn't you think she would be alone in the world? Just like Kindle? How could you be so selfish? Why didn't you think about me? I'm just so mad at you right now. I always will be. On those days when I know you are the only one up, like right now, & need someone to talk to, who will be there? When Stephen is gone & Jake gets out, who will help me? When Stephen's gone & I need a truck, who will help me? When I'm alone & scared of strange noises, who will help me? When I need to see my little brother, where will he be? When I'm alone & watching stupid chich flicks, who will pop in & watch them with me & not complain? Who will explain to me what's happening in Dance Moms? I know you will always be around me. I already feel you, but it's not the same. I want to smell you & tell you to stop killing yourself. I can't believe you did this to me. To us. You have broken my heart. It's so much worst then when Gary did it. Oh Daniel. I needed you, we all needed you. You where not a peice of shit, you where my brother, my first best friend. The only one I could truly count on at anytime. I figured you where strong enough to make it through this, but maybe Grandma needed you to help her through her time away from Grandpa. I know I failed you. I should have called you on Thursday when I was trying to make Jake a kennel he would stay in. I should have called you yesterday morning. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. It's all in the past & I can't change it, but I would give anything to have you back. To have talked you through this. To have held you & told you it will all be ok. Heart ache does get better with time. I should have told you that & held your hand. I should have supported you more, given you more of my time. I keep seeing you. Seeing those weird things you used to do. Answering the phone in those crazy voices. Doing stupid stuff to make me laugh. You where crazy, but you where my brother & I love you. Oh I hurt so bad. I need you Daniel. Didn't you know!! I keep thinking about the things I need help with. Lulu Bell made a hole in the hay & now the tarp has split down the middle. I need to put a new one over it, but I need help. I should have called you, but I was too made & figured I would do it later. Thursday was such a bad day for me. I almost called you so many times, but I figured you where busy helping Jon or had Kindle. I know you would have made time for me. I should have made more time for you. I am so sorry I failed you. Oh Daniel I am so sorry. I miss you, I will always miss you. Come back to me if you can. What are we going to do without you? Why didn't you think of that? I'm so torn between hating you & hating myself. My heart is broken, & I hate you for doing this to me. Now I have to deal with your mother by myself. The few hours I was with her yesterday sucked. I needed you to take me away from her. No one knows how much bs she told except you. I could get through it before knowing I could tell you about it & you would tell me about your experiences too. Oh Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. I miss you & I love you. We all do. It will never go away. Good Bye Baby Brother. In your next adventure, try not to be so selfish, & do something crazy for me! I will do my best to help Kindle through life. That is my promise to you. She will know who you where, what you where like, & why I am proud to say you are my brother. Thank you for the good times & helping me through the bad times.

Confused or Tired, not sure which!

I'm feeling a lot of things right now. I feel like I should have had a different wedding. I keep looking at other peoples wedding pictures & I'm jealous that I didn't have anything like what they have. I loved my reception & wedding, it was me, but sometimes I wish it was more. I really feel like I need to cry. Not sure why. I have been crying a little everyday. For random reasons. Mostly Denise, but other things too. I can't help but think that my life is missing something exciting. I want something great to happen. I want so much right now! I want a new car, my kitchen, a laundry room, a fenced in yard, iPad, Stephen home every night, oh the list could go on for days! Wow I really need to sleep! Maybe I'll finish this later. Gotta get some wood then pass out!

Lost Life...

Wow it has been a long time since I blogged! I wish it was for better reasons, but its a sad post. Denise died. I've cried for the past few days off & on. She was such a great person. Always happy. I didn't know her as well as I would have liked to, but isnt that always the story? She is the closets person to me that has died. My Grandpa Wirth died when I was in 2nd grade. I don't remember much about him. He was always quiet. I remember seeing him & he was in the hospital bed in the living room, or he was in the hospital. The next time he was fine & gave us all hugs. Then he was gone. I remember going to the viewing. I walked up to the casket & seeing him laying there. My cousin Ben was laughing. I knew that wasn't right for him to be laughing. I remember my dad crying at the funeral & my mom made me switch her spots so she could sit by him. The next funeral I went to was a classmates. I didn't know him either. Just knew him from school. I didn't see the body. I just went cuz I was in the choir & we sang at it. My Uncle Roy died while I was in high school. He had complications with mixing his meds & alcohol. From what I hear it was not on purpose, someone gave it to him as joke & it killed him. He come up a few times in the summers when I was a kid. He had a different girlfriend every time he came up. He was nice. Helped my dad do some projects with the house. Adding the attic & with the chimney. When I was little we would go to the lake every weekend with the Kallstrom family & we would camp for a week out there with them. I would go babysit for them when they needed me. I remember I was babysitting for them when it was new years 2000. I was nervous because of all the Y2K things. Like the power was going to go out & all that. Nothing happened! lol I remember babysitting another time & I was making dinner. I had Kataya helping me stir the noodles. I talked to her about not touching the hot stove. I moved the pan to dump the noodle in the stainer. I turned to get her down & she put her hand on the burner. I was scared I was going to get into trouble. I put her hand in water & called Denise. She didn't get mad! She just said that I did the right thing getting it into water. She stopped by & checked on it. She was glad that I knew what to do & went back out. I felt bad that I let them down, but I was happy that I knew what to do. Denise & Jeff came to my reception. They even came a day early! lol I am so happy they came! Stephens family out numbered mine by a lot & I felt happy that they took the time to come. It's still hard for me to believe she is gone. She was always so happy & willing to help. I know she tried to help my grandma manage her diabetic issues. I've been preparing myself for my grandma passing away, but I didn't think anyone else would be going so soon. My grandma has pancreas cancer. The doctors gave her a few years to live. The cancer is staying the same & they cant do surgery. I just hope Denise is happy where she is now. If there is a life after death I'm sure she is happy to be reunited with her son & father, but we will miss her here. I feel so bad for her girls. She was a great mother & now they have to face the world alone. Life is hard without a mother. I can only image what it is like to lose a mother, especially one that loved you & wanted the best for you. RIP Denise. You will be missed!

Life has been going good for me besides this last week. I can't believe I haven't wrote in a long time! The wedding was really basic & fast. I liked it. Wish it was a little different, but its all done & it was good. I just keep thinking about the woman Denise was & what I want to be. She will always be an example to me. I wish I had mother like her. I know this is hitting Nancy hard. My heart hurts for her. 49. Way too young to be gone! The other day I was asking Alex what she was going to do with her money. I said she should put it in the bank cuz college is getting expensive. My smart, wanting the best for her kids, said then she just wont go. Like are you kidding me? Would you rather your child end up like you? Get pregnant just to keep a nigger?(thank you Chris Rock) Does she not see the struggles she went through/is going through? She is married to a man who doesn't love her & only is around because of the kids. That is not a good life for us kids or for my dad. What is she thinking? Makes me so fucking mad. Sometimes I just want to punch her, I don't though cuz I know it wont help anything. I just walk away & do my best to not come into contact with her. I hope Alex is smart enough to see that life is not over after high school. I love the campaign about going on after high school. I would love to see Alex be a doctor. She is smart enough & with some encouragement she can make it. If I would have had a stronger push for college & more support I might have done better & went on for a masters. Had I picked a better major I would have done lots better too! I love her so much! I would hate to see her talent crushed by her mother. I will do my best to support her in whatever life throws at her. I want her to know that she can do whatever she wants. She is so smart & beautiful that she can do whatever she wants. I just have to keep her from listening to her mother. I just hate that I have to fight to get her to understand her potential & that the world is full of amazing things. This is just making me mad. I better go clean.