Can't sleep

For the past 4 nights I have not gone to bed before 4am!! So that makes it so I can't sleep tonight! I feel really lonely. Just can't shake the feeling for some reason. I have great friends & I constantly text & talk to them, but at the end of the day I'm still home alone. It's so weird because when I lived alone I never remember being this lonely & I didn't have friends like I have right now. I do like days like today when I wake up, burn some chocolate chip pancakes, do laundry, & homework. Just me doing house stuff. I would just like someone to be here right now when I can't sleep to keep me company. I want to txt someone or reach out, but its 1am! 2am to my BL peeps, so I don't want to bother anyone with my sad tales. I guess I'll just blog about them. There's this boy that makes me crazy when he's around. When I'm around him I get shaky, excited. It's hard to function! When he smiles at me I'm sure all I do is blush! It feels so immature, but I love it! I went out to CJ's again last night with my Macy's peeps & he went with us. We danced for a while, but he spent the rest of the night with my friend Ashton. Which is fine, but still hurts. To know that the guy that drives you crazy likes someone else sucks! Luckily this is not a new feeling for me. I love Ashton, she is so much fun! She always keeps me laughing! I left CJ's at close & took Chad & Ayla home when I got home he txtd me saying he wanted to dance. How are you supposed to respond to that? Um sorry I was there all night! Like seriously! I'm so confused! I know boys & I know what a brush off is. I also know that to smooth it over they say things like that so next time they see you it will "be ok". It's hard for me to tell if its genuine or if he is playing the game. I really would like to think it's genuine, but my experience tells me its not. I also know that because I like him so much I'm going to try & justify what's happening. Try to make myself feel better & make him out to be a good guy when he could be a douche. Oh the confusion!!

I just hit 30,000 miles on my car! She is not my baby anymore! She is like a toddler now! I'm scared now that the warranty is up that something will go wrong! Let us pray that nothing does! I have an exam on Tuesday & I'm in no way ready! I was ganna study today, but I just wanted to relax! I need to get on the study bus. I can't afford to fail any classes! Well I'm feeling kinda sleepy so I'm ganna try to sleep!

Doctor

I went to the Dr at 2:00. I hurt so bad!! I have never been poked at that much! I can hardly stand or sit up strait!! I hope the pain passes soon or I'm ganna have to skip class. The dr said everything looked really good! I'm so glad. Now I just have to wait a week until the lab stuff comes back! On the way to the office I couldn't decide if I was ganna cry or throw up! It was hard to control both, but I did it! I'm still super nervous & shaking! I didn't get a chance to ask her about the passing out thing because she was in a rush! I know what's up with that though so I'm not worried. Ugh it really hurts! I've never had this before & I'm glad!

I hung out with a very nice man last night! It was really nice. No pressure or anything to do things I didn't want to do!! It's a good thing, it will help me with my goal cuz I've broken that plan once & I don't want to again! I think he is going to go dancing tonight & tomorrow too!! I really hope so! I love dancing! I went to class last night & it was amazing! I had more fun at that class then I did over the whole semester when I was in the class!! I hope I can go every week!! I'm sore today though. We did lots of dips & my abs & arms hurt! That added to this new pain makes me a sad sight!! I'm so glad that its over though. Just a week until I know whats up!! I don't want cancer or any business like that! If I can move tonight the dancing will be really good for me. It's nice to forget about things for a while & just dance!! I have to write a 6 page paper tonight though. It's lame! I should have done it last week! I can't believe how fast this semester is going! It's scaring me! My Dr was telling me that college is really stressful, but it gets easier after you graduate & enter the real world. That makes me really happy! Just need to find a job & house!! Well my comp is ganna die & I have to waddle to class!

Ugh Being Sick Has Side Effects

I passed out twice last night. It was a very scared experience! I was taking my nightly shower. Just washing my hair when I started to feel really hot! The water was at the normal temp so I just figured I was doing the whole hot/cold thing that comes with being sick & that I've been feeling for the past week. I turned the water to a little colder & went about my business. I started to feel like I was ganna pass out so I sat down for a seconds. I realized I wasnt getting any better & quickly finished up my hair. As I was steping out of the tub I started to fully pass out. I tried to help myself fall slowly. I woke up laying on the floor all wet, wondering how long I was out, & if I should get up. It was so scary. My vision was messed up & I was shaking. I'm just laying there trying to decide what to do when I realized the rug is missing. Who moved the rug? I was stuck on that thought for a while. I decided that it didn't matter & that I should try to go to my bed. As I stood up the feeling of passing out came over me again. That feeling sucks. It's even worse when you don't know if you will pass out & how long it will take for someone to realize that your laying on the floor. Anyways I stubble into my room. Unable to see clearly & fighting the urge to black out. Next thing I remember is laying on my bed, being cold & wet. I layed there for about a half hour before I decided it was ok to move. Then I got some food & have been feeling ok since. The last time this happened I was 16 & got taken by ambulance to the ER. It sucked. The Dr perdy much just looked at me & said I hyperventalated. Which is not true. I get this feeling after or while I'm sick & have not been eating well. I also get it if I lose weight quickly. On Monday all I had to eat were some chocolate chip pancakes & popcorn. Not a good idea having been sick the past week! I took some vitamines this morning & plan on taking them everyday agian like I used to do. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday to see if the HPV stuff has cleared out or gotten worse. Let us pray that its gone! I'm very nervous! I don't like the thought of having something growing inside of me! Hmm what else has happened... I don't think there is anything else I need to write about.

My dad!

I know my family has a great influence in my life, but sometime it just overwhelms me. My closet shelf has been attempting to fall down since I moved in. I keep putting off fixing it. Last night stuff started falling off the shelf so I decided to fix it today! Put the battery in my drill, dead. Try the 2nd one, dead. Took 3 hours to charge it! I had to pull the shelf off the wall & rehang it. I don't think I would have had a clue what to do or it would have taken a lot longer if I had not helped my dad with similar projects when I was young. I love my dad! If I ever find a man like him I will ruffy him & take him to Vegas for a quick wedding!! I almost called my dad & told him thank you for teaching me these life things. Thank you for making me independent! Thank you for making it so I don't need to depend on a man to do the "hard stuff." There is nothing I wouldn't do for my dad. I love that I have his name. I love that I'm named after his mother. I love it! I have a lot of pride in myself because of the people I'm named after. I wrote a story about it once. Too bad its on the computer Gary has or I would post it. I'm sure I have a hard copy somewhere. I'll put it up if I run across it. My grandma Wirth is just as amazing. I had trashed this name. I can never be as great as them. I try to be the best that I can be. I try to be like them. To be honest & hard working. I try to live my life with respect for my elders, like my dad always told me. Days like today set me strait. Remind me of where I come from. Who I am! I am a Wirth! I always will be! Even when I get married I will still be Zana Flo Wirth! Nothing will ever change that! I wish my brothers would realize who they are & what they can be. I don't take much pride in my schools are where I'm from, but I take pride in my name. I just love it! I can't even explain how overwhelmed I am when I think about it. I really want to get that tattoo. I will do it soon. I know my dad will not be impressed, but I'm sure he will understand. I love my family!! It's amazing how just fixing a shelf can make me feel this way! Family is always there. My brothers & I had a little fight last week, but Friday I had a rough night & Daniel still talked to me while I was drunk crying. That's what you do.

I have this friend that I really love & she has been there for me through a lot of stuff. She has been a great friend & I'm so glad to have her in my life. There is just this one hickup. I like these boys & I feel like she just sweeps them off their feet & I'm left with nothing. I know its not her fault, but it still hurts. If I know a friend likes a guy I will not make any sort of advancement towards them. I try to put space between us & not do anything to encourage any sort of flirty behavior. Even if it's just a crush or some little likeness. I would feel bad if they showed interest in me & not my friend. Again I know she does not encourage this, I think, but it still feels like it. I don't really know. Maybe I'm just over reacting. Maybe I'm just being dumb, but it hurts! I like this boy & he keeps asking for her number! What the fuck is that? So instead of friend not showing interest in him like I would she dances very physically with him. In this situation I could not flirt as much with the guy I like because I had an ex staring at me the whole time & I didn't want to create drama so I just stood on the back line. Hung out with some other friends. I need to stand up more for what I want. I need to not let things like this happen. Oh man I don't really know. Well I'm ganna go put my stuff back in the closet that is now fixed!!

Not fair

I just burst out crying for the first time in weeks. I can still be slapped across the face with a memory. I'll show you what's no fair asshole. Not fair is me crying over some stupid guy how is not worth my time. Me being hurt because I trusted you. I gave you me. Not fair is me not be able to be myself around a new guy because of you. Not fair me having to wait to have sex until a test comes back, but you can fuck who ever you want. Not fair me scared that my vagina might have to be frozen. Not fair my fear of someday not being able to have children. Not fair is the time I wasted with you instead of being with my family. Not fair is putting your needs & wants before my own. Not fair is me giving up my apartment. Not fair is the past 5 months of my life. Not fair is her not knowing who you really are. Not fair is me knowing who you are & not being able to help another avoid your pain. Not fair is how much I want to beat the shit out of something. Not fair is me forgetting everything I need at the store because I saw your fucking car. Not fair. I will show you not fair when you realize what you lost. Not fair is having a hard semester made harder because of the emotional roller coster you had me on for it. Not fair is knowing I am better than this, better than you, but I still stayed with you. Not fair is me listening to you over others I trusted more telling me no. Not fair, I will show you not fair. Not fair is how alone I feel, how empty I am. Not fair is you hiding behind God when he knows what you have done. Not fair is what your ganna say when God passes judgement on you.

It's been a while

Lots of new things since my last post. I've been blogging on myspace a lot, so this one gets put on the back burner. I moved in with some strangers the thursday before Thanksgiving. It's going really well! My room mate is super nice & we get along perfectly! We talk when we are both home & its not weird. I think I'm a better people person & better at conversation now than I have ever been! My personality is changing. I feel so much better about myself & more confident. I really needed this change.

I've been hanging out with this guy from work. He is nice & we have fun, but he only invites me out to the bars with him. I'm not a big fan of bars, but I have been going because I want to hang out with him. Yesterday he asked if I wanted to go to lunch with him. I said no because I had just eaten. He said that was cool then a little bit later asked if I wanted to hang out. I was like sure. It was 5pm & he took me to the bar! I was not expecting it & had plans with a friend at 7. I told him I didn't want to be around the smoke. He said that since it was 5 there wouldn't be anyone smoking & I would be fine. Shortly after we got there he started smoke & smoked like 4 in the 1.5 hours we were there! It kinda pisses me off. He just expects that I will go out with him everytime he askes. Today he asked if I was ganna hang out with him again. I said no because he is not going out until 11:30. I have a bunch of homework to get done & stuff to do tomorrow & I don't want to be hung over while trying to do them. He sent a message back saying I need to ask to hang out next time because I keep telling him no. I'm just sick of going to the bars, smelling bad, & feeling like crap the next day! Seriously! I'm sure he didn't mean it as rude. He is from another country too, so there is a cuture difference. Well anyways I need to get to sleep. I think that's all the news I have anyways. Only 1 week left of classes then finals week! Yay!

I'm out!

I finished moving my stuff out yesterday. Happy, sad moment. I had a rough day & today is kinda gloomy. I know I will be ok in the end, but it still hurts to know that I was lied to & cheated on. The worst thing is wondering why. Why did he have to do this to me? He could have chosen so dumb slut to do it to, but he chose me. Took away my freedom & then told me I was not independent. I'm sorry thats fucked up. I cried Saturday after selling the washer for the first time in like week or more. Then last night/yesterday was very emotional. I just can't understand how a person can treat another person like that. Even on my worst mean, hating day I could never lie to someone & give them hope. I just don't get it. Oh welll you live you learn.

On a happy note I'm going to Boise this weekend to party a little. I'm excited! I really want to just forget about things & be single & have fun! I'm a little nervous about what will happen, but I'm determined to have fun. Dance my cares away!

I went on a date last week & it was totally not worth my time. The guy didn't even open any doors for me! How lame is that? I told him I had other plans for after the date & he kept trying to get me to go over to his place & watch a movie. I also had plans for Saturday night & he could not understand that either! Seriously I'm not looking for someone to take over my life! Been there, done that. I'm looking for someone to have fun with. Someone I can hang out with.

I don't really thing here is anything else going on. I have 3 exams this week. One today & 2 tomorrow & I'm not ganna do very well on any of them. My head is not in the right spot. Thanks dick! I just hope that I can get some of the money out of him. Why was I so stupid! I saw this coming & still let it happen!