Life....

Your a bitch. End of story.

Life!

I applied for a cost analyst job at Monsanto on Friday! I'm excited, but doubtful! I didn't think I wanted to move back, but I do & my family does too! With the economy though the chances of me getting a job worth going back for is low. It's what I want though & its ganna take a lot of work to make it happen. My goal is to throw out more applications this week & month, but time is the problem. I thought I had a lot to talk about, but everything is gone now.

Oh Blake asked me to go visit him for like a week after graduation. A vacation would be nice, but I don't know what's going on with me let alone what's going on with us. Plus I don't have the time to figure it out. School & my health is taking up all of my time! I have the follow up dr appointment on Monday. I'm getting nervous. So far this has just been negatives (well positives for the tests) so I'm not sure what I should expect. I have been optimistic for this, but it turns up bad. Should I think that it is cancerous & have it come back positive? Should I be ready for that? If it does come out to be cancerous then it would be time to tell my Dad which is not something I am looking forward to. I'm already trying to decide how I should tell him Alex needs to get the vaccine for HPV. OH the things life throws at you!

Time to rant. So people like to tell me how to make decisions! I fucking hate it. I am the kind of person who tests the water many many times before I slowly get in. I don't make quick decisions. Moving back to BL will for sure cut down my growth possibilities I understand that. I know the risk I am taking on with this decision. My grandparents, I love them to death, but they always try to talk me out of things. I remember being 18 or even now & having them worry about me driving to SLC & stuff. I am like HELLO I drive 12 hours to get to you I think I can handle driving around Logan. Seriously. I love getting advice & to be given a new perspective, but I know what I'm doing. Grrr I understand that older peeps have experiences I can live by, but I want to do things on my own. I want to learn & grow. The pressure to do the right thing is killing me. Ugh

Trip to BL

I just got back from my trip to BL for Spring Break. It was perdy nice. I was sick for most of it. I had the bad cold again. It was really bad from Friday though about Wednesday, but I'm feeling ok now. I'll give ya a little play by play.

On Saturday I woke up & I was feeling like shit so I called in to work sick. I slept in then decided to drive home early. Alex called me when I was in Soda & I told her I was on my way to a friends house. I was not supposed to be home until Sunday, so I didn't want her to know I was almost there. When I got to my gparents house she told me she knew I was lying because I sounded funny. Crazy girl. Anyways so that night I stayed at my gparents with Al. I was supposed to go sledding with Ed on Sunday, but he said they weren't going. On the drive to Raymond I passed my dad, but I didn't know it was him because he was in his new truck. Don't remember what I did the rest of that day. Monday I picked Alex up from school & we had lunch together. We did that for the whole week. It was really nice to just hang out with her. I also picked her up from school everyday. Didn't really do much on Tuesday either or Wednesday. On Thursday I went with Mar to play volleyball. It was fun, but I have bruises on my arms! On Wednesday I also hung out with Jon, Dan, Billy, & Jon's new fam lol. Thursday I went to the bar with Jon & Billy. It was fun, just hung out. On friday Mar & I went to the bars then Billy drove us to the bowling alley. I suck at bowling! I also went with my dad to SLC on Friday. I slept the whole drive there & back. I slept a lot while I was there. It was very nice! Hmm I think that's perdy much a run down of my whole trip. I gave Scribbles her first haircut. I didn't do too bad. She looks a little ruff, but not horrible! I think she is the cutest puppy ever!

The drive to BL from Moscow is only about 10.5 hours when I go through Boise. It's so much better than 12 hours when I go though MT. Some people need to learn how to drive. I hate when people pull out in front of me. Or when they are in the left lane & going slow so I have to pass on the right. Or when they go 10 or 20 miles under the speed limit. Then when you go to pass them they speed up. Or when they go slow around the corners & speed up when I can pass. Ugh it makes me angry! Well I need to go to bed now.

Just thinking

I feel really lonely lately. I keep wanting to cry. Luckily I have stayed strong. Nicole has been talking to me the past few days. I don't understand how a person can mess up another persons life & not care. & do it again to another person! What I think about even more though is how those 2 people with messed up life's can act so differently. I'll give it to her that she was married to him & that should have meant something to him, but no. Nicole is a perdy nice girl & all, but how she is handling this is so not helping her. I try to avoid any contact I might have with him. I have totally changed things I do. I don't walk to campus in the same way, I don't go to some of the places I used to go on a regular basis. Thing are totally different so I don't get memories. I think that has helped me the most. Also exploring who I am has really helped. I look inside of myself more. Thinking about how I really feel & what I want is the best thing. I don't live my life for others. I live it for me.

I've also been thinking about the 3 guys that have been my boyfriend. All 3 of them at some point while we were together didn't have a car. So no car = no Zana. 2 of them had money issues, one had serious money issues, which cause me to lose money. So no $$ = no Zana. 2 of them liked to drink too much! So too much booze = no Zana. The other didn't drink at all, I'm not impressed with that. I want someone who can drink every now & then with me. 2 of them liked video games WAY TOO MUCH! Now one of my starting off questions is "Do you play wow?" If yes then all communication stops. If they ask what wow is then we're good to go. I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm bored at work & there's no one to talk too. I've also changed that about myself. I like to talk to people. I like to be around people. Unless they don't make me feel good about myself or I'm not impressed with them. I think I do that so I don't have to be alone & think. Thoughts are the hardest thing to control. Things just pop in there & I have no idea what caused it. Well I'm almost done with this job then I have a break & go to Macy's. I hope I work with some cool peeps there. I'm so boy crazy. It's hard to be me! lol

Snow!

It's snowed all weekend. I don't really mind it, it just sucks to walk in & it's cold! It does make me feel sad & lonely. I don't really know why. Winter is just a lonely time I guess. It's very pretty though, which I love. I think just at this point in time I'm very lost & confused about what to do next. I'm secluding myself. I love going to work at Macy's & Mem because I get to see people I know & really like to be around! I love when I get to spend time with these peeps outside of work. It's fairly rare that I get to spend non work time with these people. I'm ganna miss them sooo much! I hope when I get to my new location I will make friends like I have here in Moscow. I think that's what makes me sad. I hate missing people. I'm always missing someone & feeling like I need to reach out to them. I don't like that I never get to see Alex or hold her. On a bad day when I just need a hug I want her to be here. Or with this new snow I want to go play, but she is not here to play with! I'm so busy too that its hard to find the time anyways. I have 3 chapters to read before friday, a midterm on thursday, and a Problem set due Thursday!! Ugh I'm so overloaded it makes me want to cry! I didn't get to sleep last night until 1am because I was stressing out. Well I have to get to class!

Dr Part 2

My dr called me today & my pap is still abnormal. Not good. So I went into talk with her. I have to go in for a colposcopy with biopsy. Basically she is ganna look at my cervix with a telescope type thing, spray some solution in there that will make the bad areas white. She will cut out those bad areas. If they are too bad then I go to a gynecologists to have my cervix frozen. It's not cancer now but over time like years it could turn into cancer. She didn't say what side effects this would have on having children, but a frozen cervix doesn't sound good. I'm nervous, but I've been nervous since October when I first found out about this junk. It makes it hard to forget the past when this complication is here. I just want to move on & not worry about anything, but this is here & I have to deal with it. I feel angry. I'm mad at myself for letting someone in who has hurt me. I should have protected myself. Ya live & ya learn I guess. I want Alex to get the HPV vaccination as soon as possible. It would appear that we don't have the jeans to kick this & she does not need to have the fear that I do.

It's been snowing all day today! My E-ship teacher just canceled class at 5:30! I'm so glad she did because I was thinking about skipping anyways. I would skip 409 too but I need to get more points. It's really hard to go to class anyways, but after my bad news today all I want to do is go home put on my pjs & watch a movie. I feel depressed & lonely!! I'm going to the basketball game tonight with Anna which should be fun. Don't know if I'm going dancing. More than likely not because of a series of events but that's fine. I've had a long day anyways & I need to sleep! Ugh I really do not want to go to class!! Hopefully we get out early!! oh man oh man!!

Luke is very nice. I told him about the HPV & he seems very interested! I'm glad he is not rejected! Being reminded about it makes me want to push him away so I don't get hurt again. I'm still hurt & just beginning to heal. I don't want what I have worked so hard to fix get ripped back open. I don't need stress & complication right now. My dr said no smoking, more sleep, better eating. I just need to work on the sleeping thing. I want to just take a shot & relax, but no more drinking either. I need to get better. I haven't cried today luckily. I almost have a few time, but I pushed it away. I'm back to being in control of my emotions, which is great! Well my battery is about it die & I need to get to class! Maybe I'll write more later!!

CDA weekend!

I went to CDA this weekend with Jessica, Maddi, and the boys. I was nervous about it because I don't know the area, but it was really fun! We went out on Friday night & I was perdy far along before we even left the house! I hadn't drank in 2 weeks so I was ready for some fun! So yeah ended up drinking & dancing a lot! Got some sweet pics of me giving a lap dance to one of our DD's. Not so sure how I feel about pics like that being out in the world, but I guess that's life! On Saturday I was hungover all day! I hate that! I was in slow mode & just slept on Luke the whole day! We also went to Spokane. It was my first time there! Didn't do anything but go to the mall and have Evans one year pics done. He is the cutest little boy! Then Saturday night we went to Jessica's brother Chris's play The Jungle Book. Which was entertaining. It was hard to stay awake! Friday night I slept like 3 or 4 hours! Which was more than everyone else because I went to bed early! We went in the hot tub & it made me sick! I don't do well with hot tubs! On Sunday I went to church for the first time since Rylin's baptism almost 4 years ago! At the church they also sold coffee, which is totally against what I was taught at church! We also went in normal cloths, no dresses! It was a totally different experience for me! I'm glad I went, and saw what it was like. I think I would actually go again too. I didn't get the feeling that I was totally messing up my life or sinning! So that was nice! i think that's all I have to say about the adventure! Meet a nice man Luke. Him and the other guys from the weekend are going to come to Moscow this weekend for Marti Gras. That should be fun. Now I have to get some hw done!