My dr called me today & my pap is still abnormal. Not good. So I went into talk with her. I have to go in for a colposcopy with biopsy. Basically she is ganna look at my cervix with a telescope type thing, spray some solution in there that will make the bad areas white. She will cut out those bad areas. If they are too bad then I go to a gynecologists to have my cervix frozen. It's not cancer now but over time like years it could turn into cancer. She didn't say what side effects this would have on having children, but a frozen cervix doesn't sound good. I'm nervous, but I've been nervous since October when I first found out about this junk. It makes it hard to forget the past when this complication is here. I just want to move on & not worry about anything, but this is here & I have to deal with it. I feel angry. I'm mad at myself for letting someone in who has hurt me. I should have protected myself. Ya live & ya learn I guess. I want Alex to get the HPV vaccination as soon as possible. It would appear that we don't have the jeans to kick this & she does not need to have the fear that I do.
It's been snowing all day today! My E-ship teacher just canceled class at 5:30! I'm so glad she did because I was thinking about skipping anyways. I would skip 409 too but I need to get more points. It's really hard to go to class anyways, but after my bad news today all I want to do is go home put on my pjs & watch a movie. I feel depressed & lonely!! I'm going to the basketball game tonight with Anna which should be fun. Don't know if I'm going dancing. More than likely not because of a series of events but that's fine. I've had a long day anyways & I need to sleep! Ugh I really do not want to go to class!! Hopefully we get out early!! oh man oh man!!
Luke is very nice. I told him about the HPV & he seems very interested! I'm glad he is not rejected! Being reminded about it makes me want to push him away so I don't get hurt again. I'm still hurt & just beginning to heal. I don't want what I have worked so hard to fix get ripped back open. I don't need stress & complication right now. My dr said no smoking, more sleep, better eating. I just need to work on the sleeping thing. I want to just take a shot & relax, but no more drinking either. I need to get better. I haven't cried today luckily. I almost have a few time, but I pushed it away. I'm back to being in control of my emotions, which is great! Well my battery is about it die & I need to get to class! Maybe I'll write more later!!
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