I Still Cry

There are times when sudden emotions over take me. Most of the time it's excitement about moving back 'home'. But I know I will never be home. I'll never be the same as I once was. I still feel broken & alone. I don't think moving back to BL will help me with that, but I do think it will help me figure out what I want to do with my life. It will give me a distraction from the pain. I hate that I still feel this way after 5 months alone. I hate that as much as I know it was wrong, I want it back. I don't want to be alone any more. I don't want to cry over memories. I don't want to feel broken anymore. I don't want to feel used. I just watched One Tree Hill. It always seems to makes me emotional. I can hardly see through my tears right now. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm scared to look around because I don't want to tiger something that will bring on the pain. Today at the library I saw my old neighbor. I always wondered if they could hear me cry. I don't want to think about this stuff. At the same time I want to think of all of it so I can get it out. Like maybe if I think of the memory once it will go away for good. But there are so many! Night time is the worst. I feel so alone & trapped. I can't wait to get into my own place. To be able to move around. I want a fresh start. Somewhere where I know nothing. No old things to make me sad. I wish I would never have learned how to cry. It's almost like it's my favorite thing. One of the things that makes me happiest about moving back home is the people. There will be people around me all the time. To keep me busy, keep me from being alone & scared. I hate that I took him there. That's my place, that's where I want to be safe. Where I don't have to see or think or have memories, but no. I'm ready for this to be over. Why did I let this happen? I'm smart. So many things are running through my head. Lot's of happy memories, but then there are sad ones. I wish I knew how to make this go away. There is an empty spot that I keep trying to fill, but its endless. Whatever I put in there does not seem to fill it or to even make any sort of progress. Oh well. Tomorrows another day & there are plenty of fish in the sea. Right?