Its weird...

Gary told me yesterday that it is weird when I tell him that I love him. Why is that weird? I don't understand. It's made today hard. I have almost cried a few times. But I have held strong, who knows how. As much as I want to graduate I really don't. After I graduate I will be gone. I will be away from Gary & who knows if I will ever see him again. That breaks my heart all over again. Today is going to be very hard. Gary is sick again. This time he has a fever & a bad cough. He didn't go to classes. I'm trying to do things to make him feel better, but while I'm doing those things I wonder why. Yesterday Gary also told me that I make myself his bitch. I'm sorry if I want to make you happy. To do things for you. To show you that I care. That I will be there. I'm sorry I was too busy to fold the laundry so I asked you to help me. I'm sorry your not as willing to help me as I am to help you. What if it was me that was sick? Would you go get me medicine? Would you put an extra blanket on me? Got to go to class.

Why

Last night was another bad night. I hate when I walk into the room & he hurries to change windows. I'm not stupid, I know what is going on. It's hard. I would say last night we had a fight. On the way home from the bar he said that I was acting like a girlfriend. I cried when we got home. He came in & I told him he didn't have to worry about it cuz he was not my boyfriend. It was mean & it just made me feel worse. I'm starting to have a lot of anger towards him. He keeps saying he loves me, but its different. It still hurts, everyday, all the time. I almost drove back to Montpelier last night. I can't handle the stress. It's so hard to deal with things. I still love him, but the things I keep seeing are making me hate parts of him. I still love him more than the anger. I don't want to get back into a relationship with him, but I want to try & make things work. I know they can, he just needs to want it too. That's where I'm at. The same spot. I feel bad that I let myself down. Every time I let someone in they seem to just hurt me. It's never different. I thought Gary was different, but its starting to seem like he is just like everyone else. What did I do to deserve this? I try to be nice to people, but I never get that back. It supposed to be that things come back to you. But I don't know what things I have done to deserve this. I feel like nothing good happens for me. Sure there are good things, but when it rains it pours on me. It doesn't seem like its ever good. With Gary I thought my good rain had come, but not its a cold rain that does not go away. The cloud is always over my head & whenever I start feeling like I'm getting back on my feet the rain starts pouring & my feet slip in the mud. Sometimes Gary is there to help me back up, but its only to push me down again. I'm ganna go try to distract myself.

Another Month

Now its been 2 long months. I still cry when ever I think about it. I'm crying now. I still don't understand how a person can love, but think it wont work when it can. The need to tell Gary I love him has returned. I don't know why. Maybe I have "fallen back in love with him." I don't know. I'm so lost & confused. I love him & will still do whatever it takes to make him see that I am here for the long run. Why can't that be enough? All the times I thought my life would be easier without Gary I was so wrong! Not being with Gary is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I have closed myself off from the world. My friend Jeff keeps inviting me to do things with him & his family, but I turn him down. I just want to sit alone & cry the day away. The depression is still here. I do think it has gotten better. Some days thoughts just consume me, like Thursday. Thursday was a bad day from the start. A song by Limp Bisket reminds me of that day. It goes some thing like, Some days you just dont want to wake up, everything is fucked, everybody sucks. You dont really know why but you want to justify ripping someones face off. That was my day. I cried for at least 2 hours. I just couldn't stop. To know that Gary loves me, but choose to be ignorant to that blows my mind! Obviously we will not work if he keeps telling himself we wont. Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face! I'm right here I love you & I want to make you happy. What more do I have to do? I'm not changing who I am. If anything I am going back to the person I was before. Which is a good thing. I just want to punch myself in the face for sticking around, waiting for him to change his stubborn mind. Oh well I guess in 8 months I'm outie. I think that's all I have. Classes are still getting me down, but I'm trying.

Maybe its Thursdays...

I had a perdy good weekend. I was happy. But last night that all changed. I did get sick on Sunday. Gary got sick on Friday & was trying to get me sick, which I don't understand. He got what he wanted, I wish I could! So I have missed most of my classes once. My throat has been killing me, today it has started to feel better. I took some meds before my 8am class, which was a very bad idea. I could hardly stay awake! Anyways I've been sad again today. Trying not to cry & working on being happy & hiding how I really feel. I don't know if people can tell that I'm sad. I hope they can't tell that I am ready to cry at any second. Last Thursday was like this, so maybe its a Thursday thing. I am only waiting on one book, which I need to do homework for that class on Wednesday! I've been trying to do the homework in my other classes too & it seems like what the professors talk about for an hour & 15 mintues has nothing to do with the assignments!! I hope it gets better because I don't want to fail these classes with only 2 semesters left! I just feel so behind in my major & I don't even like the stuff that deals with my major! I am certain I will not get the stat minor. It's too much! So I need to look for other classes for next semester.

Sadness

So I'm still really sad & upset about the break up. The pain just seems to grow. Some days I can push it away, but others it just takes over. Yesterday Jeff asked about me & Gary. I told him that we are not getting back together anytime soon if ever. Saying the words out loud made it even more real & heart breaking. Just went I think I'm doing better something happens & I'm back where I started. I still have very strong feelings for Gary & they are not dieing down or going away. Every day I feel like I'm getting more of myself back, and that is good. But I still long for Gary to hold me & tell me everything is ok. Yesterday while walking home it was all I could do to not cry. When I got like 10 feet from my door I could not hold it in anymore. I cried for a while, but then I had to come back to campus. It's just still so hard! I'm trying not to cry right now. I'm at work & will be for another hour & a half. This job is so boring. Before I would hate when Gary played wow all the time, now I would give just about anything to lay in there while he plays. The only thing I want is for the feelings he had for me to return. I would do anything for that. I would do anything to keep them forever. To keep him happy. Having him gone is worse than moving here away from my family. I thought that was the worst thing I have gone through, but this is so much worse. I constantly wonder if I will ever feel like I did with Gary ever again. I try to get interested in other guys, but I can't. Gary is always in my mind. I wake up looking for him, & fall asleep wishing he was there. When I walk to class I remember him walking with me, while in class I wonder if he got up for class, or when I have gaps I remember meeting him for coffee & hot chocolate. Maybe my dad is right, I just want to be at a new school. I like Moscow & can't imagine another school I would like as much as UI. Plus I don't want to trasfer with only a year left. I'm taking Scribbles to the Vet tomorrow for shots & I'm sad that Gary will not be there. Oh boy....

On another note, my classes seem to be better. I'm taking notes by hand & avoid using my laptop if I can. Some professors have us use them in class, I wish I could just leave it home. It's so heavy. I feel like a crazy ex-girlfriend. That's all I have. Jeff wants me to go play wii tonight, but I don't know if my emotions are in line enough. It's a month until my birthday today. Usually this would start a count down & be a really happy day for me, but I just can't get into it. It makes me really sad. Birthdays are my favorite holiday & I don't even want mine to come. Memeories are a bitch!

Saturday Night

I went out with Chad, Ayla, & Adriana last night. We went dancing, which I didn't think I would like at all, but I really enjoyed myself! I really needed it! I drank a bunch, but I don't have a hangover!! YAY!! At first I was having fun, but the dancing part made me nervous. Then the shots took over & I got into it! Ayla was my partner & she is a crazy dancer! It was so fun! I can't wait to go again!!

Scribbles slept in my bed for the first time last night. She did really well! I think she enjoys it. At first she kept roaming around, but she settled down. I was nervous she would pee in my bed, but no problems! She likes to sleep on my legs. Right now she has her head on my leg. I really enjoy having her! We are a lot alike. I like to just relax & hangout, & so does she. We also like to go on walks, play fetch, & visit with friends. She doesn't like to be around a bunch of people like me. It's kinda weird, but I'm glad we are similar. She really needs a hair cut, she is shaggy!

Well I don't think there is anyting else! I'm feeling better, so that is great!

You just want me

Well duh! So that's the line Gary gave me the other morning & yes I want him. I want him, not his money or his things. I want him! I'm not using him nor do I need him. I don't understand what he was getting at by telling me that! So anyways he is in St. Marys for the weekend & it was decided upon that it would be "easier" if I stayed home. I'm ok with it I guess. I was looking forward to this weekend for a long time, but my future dreams seem to just get crushed at any possible chance. I'm going out tonight with Ayla & Chad. I'm excited! I want to get out & have some fun! I took Scribbles for a walk to Admin lawn yesterday & tonight. She really likes it & so do I. I like to sit on the lawn & watch the people do what they do. Well I don't really have anything else to talk about, just the you just want me thing.