Why

Last night was another bad night. I hate when I walk into the room & he hurries to change windows. I'm not stupid, I know what is going on. It's hard. I would say last night we had a fight. On the way home from the bar he said that I was acting like a girlfriend. I cried when we got home. He came in & I told him he didn't have to worry about it cuz he was not my boyfriend. It was mean & it just made me feel worse. I'm starting to have a lot of anger towards him. He keeps saying he loves me, but its different. It still hurts, everyday, all the time. I almost drove back to Montpelier last night. I can't handle the stress. It's so hard to deal with things. I still love him, but the things I keep seeing are making me hate parts of him. I still love him more than the anger. I don't want to get back into a relationship with him, but I want to try & make things work. I know they can, he just needs to want it too. That's where I'm at. The same spot. I feel bad that I let myself down. Every time I let someone in they seem to just hurt me. It's never different. I thought Gary was different, but its starting to seem like he is just like everyone else. What did I do to deserve this? I try to be nice to people, but I never get that back. It supposed to be that things come back to you. But I don't know what things I have done to deserve this. I feel like nothing good happens for me. Sure there are good things, but when it rains it pours on me. It doesn't seem like its ever good. With Gary I thought my good rain had come, but not its a cold rain that does not go away. The cloud is always over my head & whenever I start feeling like I'm getting back on my feet the rain starts pouring & my feet slip in the mud. Sometimes Gary is there to help me back up, but its only to push me down again. I'm ganna go try to distract myself.