Another Month

Now its been 2 long months. I still cry when ever I think about it. I'm crying now. I still don't understand how a person can love, but think it wont work when it can. The need to tell Gary I love him has returned. I don't know why. Maybe I have "fallen back in love with him." I don't know. I'm so lost & confused. I love him & will still do whatever it takes to make him see that I am here for the long run. Why can't that be enough? All the times I thought my life would be easier without Gary I was so wrong! Not being with Gary is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I have closed myself off from the world. My friend Jeff keeps inviting me to do things with him & his family, but I turn him down. I just want to sit alone & cry the day away. The depression is still here. I do think it has gotten better. Some days thoughts just consume me, like Thursday. Thursday was a bad day from the start. A song by Limp Bisket reminds me of that day. It goes some thing like, Some days you just dont want to wake up, everything is fucked, everybody sucks. You dont really know why but you want to justify ripping someones face off. That was my day. I cried for at least 2 hours. I just couldn't stop. To know that Gary loves me, but choose to be ignorant to that blows my mind! Obviously we will not work if he keeps telling himself we wont. Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face! I'm right here I love you & I want to make you happy. What more do I have to do? I'm not changing who I am. If anything I am going back to the person I was before. Which is a good thing. I just want to punch myself in the face for sticking around, waiting for him to change his stubborn mind. Oh well I guess in 8 months I'm outie. I think that's all I have. Classes are still getting me down, but I'm trying.