Sadness

So I'm still really sad & upset about the break up. The pain just seems to grow. Some days I can push it away, but others it just takes over. Yesterday Jeff asked about me & Gary. I told him that we are not getting back together anytime soon if ever. Saying the words out loud made it even more real & heart breaking. Just went I think I'm doing better something happens & I'm back where I started. I still have very strong feelings for Gary & they are not dieing down or going away. Every day I feel like I'm getting more of myself back, and that is good. But I still long for Gary to hold me & tell me everything is ok. Yesterday while walking home it was all I could do to not cry. When I got like 10 feet from my door I could not hold it in anymore. I cried for a while, but then I had to come back to campus. It's just still so hard! I'm trying not to cry right now. I'm at work & will be for another hour & a half. This job is so boring. Before I would hate when Gary played wow all the time, now I would give just about anything to lay in there while he plays. The only thing I want is for the feelings he had for me to return. I would do anything for that. I would do anything to keep them forever. To keep him happy. Having him gone is worse than moving here away from my family. I thought that was the worst thing I have gone through, but this is so much worse. I constantly wonder if I will ever feel like I did with Gary ever again. I try to get interested in other guys, but I can't. Gary is always in my mind. I wake up looking for him, & fall asleep wishing he was there. When I walk to class I remember him walking with me, while in class I wonder if he got up for class, or when I have gaps I remember meeting him for coffee & hot chocolate. Maybe my dad is right, I just want to be at a new school. I like Moscow & can't imagine another school I would like as much as UI. Plus I don't want to trasfer with only a year left. I'm taking Scribbles to the Vet tomorrow for shots & I'm sad that Gary will not be there. Oh boy....

On another note, my classes seem to be better. I'm taking notes by hand & avoid using my laptop if I can. Some professors have us use them in class, I wish I could just leave it home. It's so heavy. I feel like a crazy ex-girlfriend. That's all I have. Jeff wants me to go play wii tonight, but I don't know if my emotions are in line enough. It's a month until my birthday today. Usually this would start a count down & be a really happy day for me, but I just can't get into it. It makes me really sad. Birthdays are my favorite holiday & I don't even want mine to come. Memeories are a bitch!