I Still Cry

There are times when sudden emotions over take me. Most of the time it's excitement about moving back 'home'. But I know I will never be home. I'll never be the same as I once was. I still feel broken & alone. I don't think moving back to BL will help me with that, but I do think it will help me figure out what I want to do with my life. It will give me a distraction from the pain. I hate that I still feel this way after 5 months alone. I hate that as much as I know it was wrong, I want it back. I don't want to be alone any more. I don't want to cry over memories. I don't want to feel broken anymore. I don't want to feel used. I just watched One Tree Hill. It always seems to makes me emotional. I can hardly see through my tears right now. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm scared to look around because I don't want to tiger something that will bring on the pain. Today at the library I saw my old neighbor. I always wondered if they could hear me cry. I don't want to think about this stuff. At the same time I want to think of all of it so I can get it out. Like maybe if I think of the memory once it will go away for good. But there are so many! Night time is the worst. I feel so alone & trapped. I can't wait to get into my own place. To be able to move around. I want a fresh start. Somewhere where I know nothing. No old things to make me sad. I wish I would never have learned how to cry. It's almost like it's my favorite thing. One of the things that makes me happiest about moving back home is the people. There will be people around me all the time. To keep me busy, keep me from being alone & scared. I hate that I took him there. That's my place, that's where I want to be safe. Where I don't have to see or think or have memories, but no. I'm ready for this to be over. Why did I let this happen? I'm smart. So many things are running through my head. Lot's of happy memories, but then there are sad ones. I wish I knew how to make this go away. There is an empty spot that I keep trying to fill, but its endless. Whatever I put in there does not seem to fill it or to even make any sort of progress. Oh well. Tomorrows another day & there are plenty of fish in the sea. Right?

Rumors

A rumor has been started about me. Kinda weird because I'm a boring person. Nothing exciting is happening in my life to start drama, but this is what BL is all about. Mar txt me today & was like so are you & Billy dating. No was my response. Then she told me about the story she was hearing about me & Billy & how I'm moving back to BL to be with him. When she told the rumor spreaders that it was not true they called her a lier & said I was in denial. Um no. First of all if I was dating ANYONE Mar would be the first person to know. Second, I am moving back to BL so I can relax & be around my peeps before my real life starts. Third, Billy is a very nice guy, we are friends, but nothing past that has been decided upon. When I am back in town we might date, we might not. Who knows. I am not in a position where I want a relationship. I just want to have fun & do what I do. So there is my excitement for the day & hopefully for the rest of the week!

Should I walk or not?

I've been thinking a lot about graduation seeings how its in like 44 days!!!! AHHH So my delema is weather I should walk or not. I am signed up to walk, but so far only my dad & Alex are for sure ganna be here for it. It's ganna be them sitting in the Kibbi Dome for 2.5 hrs watching thousands of random people walking across a stage they can only see if they watch the big screen. The announcer guy is ganna say my name wrong anyways & its ganna be super boring. I talked to my dad about it & he is good either way. I get the feeling that he wants to watch it, but I know it will be uncomfortable for him sitting on the cement benches & Alex will get bored & want to run around. I don't really want to walk. A part of me does because this is a big deal. I'm the first in my family to graduate from college & I'm proud of that, but at the same time I don't want to "flaunt" it. I guess the big driver of me not wanting to walk is that only 2 ppl will be there for me. Whats the point? I spend $50 for the dress thing, sit for 2.5 hrs to have a guy say my name wrong, & get a fake diploma. I would rather move back to BL on Thursday & have my family there when I open the letter with my diploma. I don't know I'm so confused about what to do. That's where you come into play. I don't care if you know me or not. But I would like some help with this decision. Should I walk or not? No one ever seems to reply when I ask question, but I would really like a response. Maybe if you do I'll give you a treat! Bribery is a good tactic right?

Life....

Your a bitch. End of story.

Life!

I applied for a cost analyst job at Monsanto on Friday! I'm excited, but doubtful! I didn't think I wanted to move back, but I do & my family does too! With the economy though the chances of me getting a job worth going back for is low. It's what I want though & its ganna take a lot of work to make it happen. My goal is to throw out more applications this week & month, but time is the problem. I thought I had a lot to talk about, but everything is gone now.

Oh Blake asked me to go visit him for like a week after graduation. A vacation would be nice, but I don't know what's going on with me let alone what's going on with us. Plus I don't have the time to figure it out. School & my health is taking up all of my time! I have the follow up dr appointment on Monday. I'm getting nervous. So far this has just been negatives (well positives for the tests) so I'm not sure what I should expect. I have been optimistic for this, but it turns up bad. Should I think that it is cancerous & have it come back positive? Should I be ready for that? If it does come out to be cancerous then it would be time to tell my Dad which is not something I am looking forward to. I'm already trying to decide how I should tell him Alex needs to get the vaccine for HPV. OH the things life throws at you!

Time to rant. So people like to tell me how to make decisions! I fucking hate it. I am the kind of person who tests the water many many times before I slowly get in. I don't make quick decisions. Moving back to BL will for sure cut down my growth possibilities I understand that. I know the risk I am taking on with this decision. My grandparents, I love them to death, but they always try to talk me out of things. I remember being 18 or even now & having them worry about me driving to SLC & stuff. I am like HELLO I drive 12 hours to get to you I think I can handle driving around Logan. Seriously. I love getting advice & to be given a new perspective, but I know what I'm doing. Grrr I understand that older peeps have experiences I can live by, but I want to do things on my own. I want to learn & grow. The pressure to do the right thing is killing me. Ugh

Trip to BL

I just got back from my trip to BL for Spring Break. It was perdy nice. I was sick for most of it. I had the bad cold again. It was really bad from Friday though about Wednesday, but I'm feeling ok now. I'll give ya a little play by play.

On Saturday I woke up & I was feeling like shit so I called in to work sick. I slept in then decided to drive home early. Alex called me when I was in Soda & I told her I was on my way to a friends house. I was not supposed to be home until Sunday, so I didn't want her to know I was almost there. When I got to my gparents house she told me she knew I was lying because I sounded funny. Crazy girl. Anyways so that night I stayed at my gparents with Al. I was supposed to go sledding with Ed on Sunday, but he said they weren't going. On the drive to Raymond I passed my dad, but I didn't know it was him because he was in his new truck. Don't remember what I did the rest of that day. Monday I picked Alex up from school & we had lunch together. We did that for the whole week. It was really nice to just hang out with her. I also picked her up from school everyday. Didn't really do much on Tuesday either or Wednesday. On Thursday I went with Mar to play volleyball. It was fun, but I have bruises on my arms! On Wednesday I also hung out with Jon, Dan, Billy, & Jon's new fam lol. Thursday I went to the bar with Jon & Billy. It was fun, just hung out. On friday Mar & I went to the bars then Billy drove us to the bowling alley. I suck at bowling! I also went with my dad to SLC on Friday. I slept the whole drive there & back. I slept a lot while I was there. It was very nice! Hmm I think that's perdy much a run down of my whole trip. I gave Scribbles her first haircut. I didn't do too bad. She looks a little ruff, but not horrible! I think she is the cutest puppy ever!

The drive to BL from Moscow is only about 10.5 hours when I go through Boise. It's so much better than 12 hours when I go though MT. Some people need to learn how to drive. I hate when people pull out in front of me. Or when they are in the left lane & going slow so I have to pass on the right. Or when they go 10 or 20 miles under the speed limit. Then when you go to pass them they speed up. Or when they go slow around the corners & speed up when I can pass. Ugh it makes me angry! Well I need to go to bed now.

Just thinking

I feel really lonely lately. I keep wanting to cry. Luckily I have stayed strong. Nicole has been talking to me the past few days. I don't understand how a person can mess up another persons life & not care. & do it again to another person! What I think about even more though is how those 2 people with messed up life's can act so differently. I'll give it to her that she was married to him & that should have meant something to him, but no. Nicole is a perdy nice girl & all, but how she is handling this is so not helping her. I try to avoid any contact I might have with him. I have totally changed things I do. I don't walk to campus in the same way, I don't go to some of the places I used to go on a regular basis. Thing are totally different so I don't get memories. I think that has helped me the most. Also exploring who I am has really helped. I look inside of myself more. Thinking about how I really feel & what I want is the best thing. I don't live my life for others. I live it for me.

I've also been thinking about the 3 guys that have been my boyfriend. All 3 of them at some point while we were together didn't have a car. So no car = no Zana. 2 of them had money issues, one had serious money issues, which cause me to lose money. So no $$ = no Zana. 2 of them liked to drink too much! So too much booze = no Zana. The other didn't drink at all, I'm not impressed with that. I want someone who can drink every now & then with me. 2 of them liked video games WAY TOO MUCH! Now one of my starting off questions is "Do you play wow?" If yes then all communication stops. If they ask what wow is then we're good to go. I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm bored at work & there's no one to talk too. I've also changed that about myself. I like to talk to people. I like to be around people. Unless they don't make me feel good about myself or I'm not impressed with them. I think I do that so I don't have to be alone & think. Thoughts are the hardest thing to control. Things just pop in there & I have no idea what caused it. Well I'm almost done with this job then I have a break & go to Macy's. I hope I work with some cool peeps there. I'm so boy crazy. It's hard to be me! lol