I don't know what to think.....

I'm not really sure what I'm feeling right now. I did something I should not have done. I have not done it in so long & it was really good for me not to. I'm not going to say what I did. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I always feel used, stupid when I think back. It's hard to say what I'm feeling and not going into a lot of detail. Anyways now I will tell of my weekend.

On Thursday night Jon came up. I was so excited to see him! He & Mar are my favorite cousins & I feel like they are my brother & sister! I'm always happy to hear from them. Jon got here around 10, we loaded up his truck with a bunch of my stuff & then went dancing around 11. I danced a few times then went to sit with him at the bar. He tells the best stories. I am always laughing & feeling good. We also talk a little about serious stuff. Family stuff & what not. I feel like Jon knows more about me & how I feel than most people. He got out of BL & had a life. His was military & mine is college, but we both know what the world is like, I guess. He moved back & is doing very well for himself. This gives me faith that I will be just fine going back. There are still a lot of things that scare me about going back. The first is being able to find a job that will support me & give me the life that I want. I am good with money so I can be fine on whatever, but I want the best for myself & my family. I want to get Alex into college. I want her to experience things just like I have, minus the HPV & heart ache. I want to watch her grow up. The other thing that scares me is that I will be alone. I love Nancy, but I can't live like that. I need a husband or someone to be there with me. Family is great but I want/need more. My options in BL right now are looking good, but it's still very hard for me to open up. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to just be thrown to the side like I don't matter. Like I never mattered. I refuse to let that happen again. So I'm taking the route of not letting anyone get close.

On Friday night Chad called me around 11 & we went to CJ's. One of Gary's super hot friends, who I have always really liked was there. First thing he did when he saw me was start freaking with me. He is so freaking hot, I'm not even joking. It's still hard for me to comprehend that he showed an interest in me. So he asked about Gary & I. I told him that was over. He asked why & that he would not be a "messenger" I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He dropped it which was a relief! The whole time we were talking he was perdy much pressed against me, not that I'm complaining or anything, but he is married. & I don't play that game. So I walked away to find my friends who had disappeared. I found them & we went out to dance. Then the hot friend comes up & we start dancing. I would love to have him. He is so hot, but I could not get into it because of the wife thing. I have hung out with her to & she is really nice. Wow I still can not get over it! He is really hot! Anyways. We stopped dancing & Chad & I went home around 1:30.

It still makes me feel really good about myself to think back to that night! I'm ganna keep that memory for rough days! I worked on Saturday. Which was long & boring! It felt like it would never end! After work Blake was going out, so I offered my services as a DD which he took of course. I still feel like a booty call for him so I kept my distance this weekend. He is nice & I would like to see what would happen with us, but the past is there & the distance is not ganna make it worth the effort. Oh well, there are other fish in the sea. Right? He tried to get me to hang out all day today, but again I'm just not feeling social or like I want to let someone in. I just want to go home. I think I'm getting depressed. It's not good. I also feel super excited & I love thinking about the future so I know its just a little slump, not hard core depression like it was before. Well hmm. I really want to be in love again. I want to be happy. I want someone to be there. I want to freaking bake something! Lately this whole oven being broken is really hard! I just want to make something. To try new things, but no I can't! Less than a month & I will be able to! Yay!

My life right now is so confusing. Just like this entry. It starts out with me doing something stupid & having feelings of loss. Then goes to excitement about family & the future. Now at the end I'm confused about how I should feel. Oh another thing that has happened is an old friends ex boyfriend has been chatting with me recently & gave me his phone number. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Her being my friend makes it hard for me to think about liking him, but I do. Again though the distance thing come into play. Also with this guy one of his friends was a buddy of mine for a while. There are so many complications in life. Why can't I get have some sort of portal that I can go where ever I want in less than a minute. I can go home, but also go see these boys when I want to. See if they are really worth my time. Why does it matter if a friend dates another friends ex? I understand why, it just sucks! Also why does it feel like I have had sexual encounters with a lot of people? There seems to be some sort of something complicating things in my life! I know what I want right now, but what happens after I get that? After I move home, what happens next? Do I stay there & finish out my life or do I move to another random place to start over? What's ganna happen? I play the what if game way too much!

Also at work on Saturday Chad & Tyrone where talking about guns & shooting. I got involved in the conversation. People get so surprised to find out I have a gun, and not just one gun three. Then I get a million questions & a name like Killer. It's great fun! Oh well I don't like to hide who I am or what I do. Open & honest is how I live my life. Also on Saturday I worked with a girl who reads my status updates on FB & asked about my cervix. So I got to telling about having it frozen & it turns out another lady at work has had it done. She had to have a hysterectomy!! A lot of her woman parts are gone! She told me I need to keep an eye on it & keep having it checked! Are you kidding me?! I was just starting to feel good. Like ok the freezing took care of it, but no! Ugh! Another wrench in the life of Zana. I sure hope this whole freezing side effect does not last the full 3-4 weeks. It hasn't even been a week yet & I'm ready to be done! It's so annoying & uncomfortable. Not to mention a little embarrassing. It should be over soon & hopefully I will be able to keep my woman parts inside of me. I feel like I want to have kids, but I do not want the option to be taken away from me because I was stupid. Oh well the best I can do is take care of myself & keep a positive out look. I started taking B vitamin. I guess its going ok. I started on Tuesday so it has only been 6 days. I take 3 pills every morning now. I feel like a pill popper! At least they are to keep me healthy & not required for my life functions. Just there to keep me healthy & happy. I wish the happy part would happen! lol Well I'm ganna finish watching my Ann Frank movie & try to sleep! Maybe tomorrow my life will be a little less complicated.

Dr Part 5

Just got done with having my cervix frozen & I'm hurting! The procedure was not bad at all but when they took the specula thing out it felt like Velcro. Oh not good! I'm shaking, it sucks! Luckily I only have one more class that I must go to. I hope we get out early! Then I have to finish up PSet 3. Which shouldn't be too bad & I'm home free! It feels so uncomfortable in the frozen part. I'm really trying not to think about it so it will go away. Some guy just looked at me like he knows me. Weird now he is sitting by me. Interesting! I'm ganna be really wiggly in this class. I've taken 4 pain pills, which is an extreme amount for me. Hopefully they kick in soon. I keep biting my nails too. Ok I'm off to class. I'll probably write more later!
Ok so that's what I wrote like 15 minutes after the procedure of freezing my cervix for myspace. After the dr was done she was tell me what she did & from when they did the last colposcopy & biopsy to this appointment there was another spot on my cervix. That makes me really nervous. If in less than a month a new growth can appear what will stop another one from growing? I asked the dr this & she said that the freezing would take care of anything coming back. I sure hope she is right because I do not want to go through this again! I have to go back for a PAP in 6 months, which is just what I want for a b-day gift! Actually I would love to have a normal PAP for my birthday! So there's what you can get me! = ) I don't hurt anymore. Yesterday I had some pain here & there, but nothing big. I went to step & I was just fine. Although at a 5:30 meeting I almost passed out. I don't think it was from this though, but ya never know. I also feel like a 12 year old again, but I don't think details are needed on here. So no sex for 4 weeks, which is not a problem at the present time.

So what else is new... OH YEAH!! Jon is going to be here tonight to take some of my stuff to BL!!! I'm super excited to see him!! He is one of my favorite ppl!! I'm hoping to fit all of the big stuff into his truck so all I will need is fill my car & go! Oh boy!

Easter!

On holidays I like to think back to the previous year & what I was doing. I can not remember what I did last year for Easter. I looked back through my journal but all there are are entires of me being pissed. I was never happy with Gary. Why am I so upset over it? Oh well I don't want to think about that now. I asked my gma if I could have a keg at her house for my graduation party. She said "Keg?" Then she realized what it was & said it was ok if we put it over the fence into Kenny's yard! Oh grandma you crack me up! I'm still not sure if I will get a keg or not. I might just go get a few different drinks, but who knows that a ways off. So anyways this year for Easter I decided I wanted to boil some eggs. I boiled them for 10 min thinking that it would be plenty of time, but no they where still runny! I put them back into a boil & they all broke! Why can't I do simple things like boil eggs & make jell-o? Is something wrong with me? I did some hw today as well, took a 2.5 hr nap, and went for a walk. I tried to run, but my iPod is too big! I need to get one of the small clip ones. Maybe that will be my easter/graduation gift to myself. If only I had a debit card! Oh that story is fun. On Thursday night I went out with Ashton, Ayla, and Shannon who was in town for the weekend. I had a shot before I left, then like 3 at Ashtons, then 2 at this other persons house, then 2 at the bar. That's all I remember drinking anyways. That was from 8:30 to like 11. So yeah. I don't remember leaving the Corner Club & going to CJ's. I don't remember leaving CJ's. I remember thinking that I should not try to cross the highway to get home cuz I didn't want to get a ticket for being drunk in public. Guess I called some ppl. I remember Anna calling me & I told her I was at Papa Murphys when I was actually at Papa Johns. She told me that I asked her to please hurry up & she was like I don't know where you are! I think that's funny. But end of story is I woke up with just my shirt one, clothes all over my room & bathroom. I'm guessing I threw up. My eye has been red/black in the corner & hurts. I couldn't find my debit card so I canceled it. Anna called me at like 1am Friday night & said she found it in her car. Too bad I already canceled it! Now I have to wait for the new one to get to my prunts house & then for them to mail it to me! I'm also out of checks so I will have to go to the bank to get money. What a pain! I'm not a big drinker, I typically don't even drink, but some days I just want to drink & not stop! Kinda weird. I think that's as eventful as my week has been.

Blake is supposed to be here this weekend. I'm not sure how that's ganna go. I'm a little nervous. He'll probably ask for Jessica's number again & then I'll quit talking to him. End of story. Oh also when I was out on Thursday I was talking to some guy & he added me on fb. We talked a little today & I guess we are going to have coffee on Wednesday. Not so sure how I feel about it, but its good to go out. I also have a date in the making for next week. I'm more excited about that one. I'm more excited to be back home & talk with some boys in person instead of chatting! Plus I will have more time this summer to date & what not than I do now. This whole HPV thing will hopefully be over by then. I have to go to the dr on Tuesday for another colposcopy & possibly freezing if needed. Ugh it's so stressful & time consuming! I just hope I can funtion afterwards because its ganna be done between classes. I don't like the idea, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do! Well I need to go shower & sleep.

I Still Cry

There are times when sudden emotions over take me. Most of the time it's excitement about moving back 'home'. But I know I will never be home. I'll never be the same as I once was. I still feel broken & alone. I don't think moving back to BL will help me with that, but I do think it will help me figure out what I want to do with my life. It will give me a distraction from the pain. I hate that I still feel this way after 5 months alone. I hate that as much as I know it was wrong, I want it back. I don't want to be alone any more. I don't want to cry over memories. I don't want to feel broken anymore. I don't want to feel used. I just watched One Tree Hill. It always seems to makes me emotional. I can hardly see through my tears right now. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm scared to look around because I don't want to tiger something that will bring on the pain. Today at the library I saw my old neighbor. I always wondered if they could hear me cry. I don't want to think about this stuff. At the same time I want to think of all of it so I can get it out. Like maybe if I think of the memory once it will go away for good. But there are so many! Night time is the worst. I feel so alone & trapped. I can't wait to get into my own place. To be able to move around. I want a fresh start. Somewhere where I know nothing. No old things to make me sad. I wish I would never have learned how to cry. It's almost like it's my favorite thing. One of the things that makes me happiest about moving back home is the people. There will be people around me all the time. To keep me busy, keep me from being alone & scared. I hate that I took him there. That's my place, that's where I want to be safe. Where I don't have to see or think or have memories, but no. I'm ready for this to be over. Why did I let this happen? I'm smart. So many things are running through my head. Lot's of happy memories, but then there are sad ones. I wish I knew how to make this go away. There is an empty spot that I keep trying to fill, but its endless. Whatever I put in there does not seem to fill it or to even make any sort of progress. Oh well. Tomorrows another day & there are plenty of fish in the sea. Right?

Rumors

A rumor has been started about me. Kinda weird because I'm a boring person. Nothing exciting is happening in my life to start drama, but this is what BL is all about. Mar txt me today & was like so are you & Billy dating. No was my response. Then she told me about the story she was hearing about me & Billy & how I'm moving back to BL to be with him. When she told the rumor spreaders that it was not true they called her a lier & said I was in denial. Um no. First of all if I was dating ANYONE Mar would be the first person to know. Second, I am moving back to BL so I can relax & be around my peeps before my real life starts. Third, Billy is a very nice guy, we are friends, but nothing past that has been decided upon. When I am back in town we might date, we might not. Who knows. I am not in a position where I want a relationship. I just want to have fun & do what I do. So there is my excitement for the day & hopefully for the rest of the week!

Should I walk or not?

I've been thinking a lot about graduation seeings how its in like 44 days!!!! AHHH So my delema is weather I should walk or not. I am signed up to walk, but so far only my dad & Alex are for sure ganna be here for it. It's ganna be them sitting in the Kibbi Dome for 2.5 hrs watching thousands of random people walking across a stage they can only see if they watch the big screen. The announcer guy is ganna say my name wrong anyways & its ganna be super boring. I talked to my dad about it & he is good either way. I get the feeling that he wants to watch it, but I know it will be uncomfortable for him sitting on the cement benches & Alex will get bored & want to run around. I don't really want to walk. A part of me does because this is a big deal. I'm the first in my family to graduate from college & I'm proud of that, but at the same time I don't want to "flaunt" it. I guess the big driver of me not wanting to walk is that only 2 ppl will be there for me. Whats the point? I spend $50 for the dress thing, sit for 2.5 hrs to have a guy say my name wrong, & get a fake diploma. I would rather move back to BL on Thursday & have my family there when I open the letter with my diploma. I don't know I'm so confused about what to do. That's where you come into play. I don't care if you know me or not. But I would like some help with this decision. Should I walk or not? No one ever seems to reply when I ask question, but I would really like a response. Maybe if you do I'll give you a treat! Bribery is a good tactic right?

Life....

Your a bitch. End of story.