Saturday Night

I went out with Chad, Ayla, & Adriana last night. We went dancing, which I didn't think I would like at all, but I really enjoyed myself! I really needed it! I drank a bunch, but I don't have a hangover!! YAY!! At first I was having fun, but the dancing part made me nervous. Then the shots took over & I got into it! Ayla was my partner & she is a crazy dancer! It was so fun! I can't wait to go again!!

Scribbles slept in my bed for the first time last night. She did really well! I think she enjoys it. At first she kept roaming around, but she settled down. I was nervous she would pee in my bed, but no problems! She likes to sleep on my legs. Right now she has her head on my leg. I really enjoy having her! We are a lot alike. I like to just relax & hangout, & so does she. We also like to go on walks, play fetch, & visit with friends. She doesn't like to be around a bunch of people like me. It's kinda weird, but I'm glad we are similar. She really needs a hair cut, she is shaggy!

Well I don't think there is anyting else! I'm feeling better, so that is great!

You just want me

Well duh! So that's the line Gary gave me the other morning & yes I want him. I want him, not his money or his things. I want him! I'm not using him nor do I need him. I don't understand what he was getting at by telling me that! So anyways he is in St. Marys for the weekend & it was decided upon that it would be "easier" if I stayed home. I'm ok with it I guess. I was looking forward to this weekend for a long time, but my future dreams seem to just get crushed at any possible chance. I'm going out tonight with Ayla & Chad. I'm excited! I want to get out & have some fun! I took Scribbles for a walk to Admin lawn yesterday & tonight. She really likes it & so do I. I like to sit on the lawn & watch the people do what they do. Well I don't really have anything else to talk about, just the you just want me thing.

First week

I have failed so many quizes this week its not even funny! I hope I can start doing better. I think the teachers do quizes to see where we are at & scare off people. It makes me feel dumb. I think I will have 2 easish classes out of my 6. So I will have to work hard! Speaking of work, work study is so boring. I am there now & I just sit here & give out towels, lockers, & answer questions. The other morning Gary told me he loves me only as a friend. So that is perdy much over. I feel really horibble still, but what am I supposed to do? I have been trying really hard this past month & a half with things only getting worse & stressing me out! My stomach always hurts & I can burst out crying at any moment. Makes classes kinda hard when I have to focus on not crying! On Tuesday right when I walked in the door of my house I burst into tears! It sucks, but I hope I can get past it soon. Gary also told me today that he is ganna ride to St. Marys with a friend. So I get to stay home all alone this weekend & do nothing. Which is what I kind of wanted to do anyways. I just go to St. Marys for him, so I think it would just be weird if I was there. Betty called me tonight about Garys car & the cops, & wants me to go up there this weekend. I don't think she knows about me & Gary or the lack there of. So that would make this weekend even more joyful. I still don't understand how it can just be done, but Mar keeps telling me its for the better. I hope she is right. I think my mind is set on moving to SLC area after college. But who knows that could change. I thinks that's all I have for now.

First day of my last year

Classes started today. I think my Stat 401 class is ganna suck because the teacher talks slow. He talked about what is going to happen in the class for the full 50 minutes. It seemed like a hours! Hopefully he will be better about lecturing on stats. My BUS 490 class is going to be interesting. The teacher has a lot of energy so I will be paying attention, I hope. We have to work in groups though & I'm not so sure what is going on. Hopefully only working 10 hours a week will help me keep up. I went & talked to my supervisor so after tomorrow I will be employed!!! Yay! I'm excited to have things to do instead of sitting around. My yoga class should be fairly nice. I was nervous, but the teacher is really nice & the class is big so I wont feel like I'm being watched. Pilates is really making me nervous. The class is a begining one but the teacher sent out an email that said experiance is recommended but not required. I have a video that I do here & there so I hope that's enough. If not I guess I will be talking 19 credits instead of 20!

So I was talking with Gary last night & I'm so confused. He is waiting for something until he decides if he wants to be with me. I hate this waiting around in hopes that he might pull his head out of his ass & see how much I love him. When we where together he said he should not have to prove his love to me, but now it feels like he wants me to prove that I am right for him. How am I supposed to do that? Is being here through all the drama of his wife & family not enough? Is being here for him while he is drunk & can't take care of himself not enough? He played wow so much that I don't think any other girl would have stayed. Now it feels like none of that mattered. How I am supposed to prove that I'm the right one? Why should I have to do that? Why am I still here? That is what I keep asking myself. He is not asking me to stay nor is he asking me to leave. I feel stuck here. I don't want to move again & I don't want to lose him, but his waiting around is getting to me. Life sucks! I'm just glad I have people to turn to who have been here before. Well I better get to bed, I have a huge day tomorrow!

Back to School Shopping

Gary & I went to Lewiston today to do some shopping for school. I was not in the mood to shop so I didn't get much. Gary on the other hand went crazy! Usually he doesn't like to shop & I'm the one going crazy! Over all the day was good. We had a rough spot at first cuz Gary was grouchy & it made me feel uncomfortable, but after we ate he felt better. Tomorrow we might do a bit more, who knows. I still need to go make sure I know where all my classrooms are. I am fairly certain I know where they all are except one that is in a building I have never had a class in. I do know where the building is so it should not be hard. Well that's all the happenings of the day.

It's A New Day

I'm feeling really good so far today. I think its because financial aid came through & I have money!! Saidly I have spent almost $1000 of it so far today on things for school! I paid rent & got my books. Books blow! I just spent $426 & I still have a $100 book to buy! WTF! Now I just have to get my school stuff like a backpack & notebooks plus some clothes, but nothing too expensive! Then I'm back to being broke until I start working. Gary made the comment today that when he first met me I was making $9 an hour & I keep going down in pay, now I'm at minimum wage! I just get bored & have to move on. I'm getting kinda nervous about classes starting. I really want to do good this year. Working 10 hours a week will really help. I just need to study more.
I'm feeling better about breaking up. It's nice to have my own space, but still beable to go hug Gary when I feel like it or just go talk. We sleep separatly, but I've been waking up at 6 with Scribbles then getting her back to sleep. After she goes back to sleep I go lay with Gary for a little while. It just feels good.
My new washer is amazing! I washed everything in the house already! When I washed whites yesterday it messed them up! I don't know what happened, but I think because the pipes had not been used in a while the rust came off onto the clothes. So now the whites are a rust color. It's gross! But other than that I have no problems with the machine. It so quiet, too. I thought it would bang around & make some noise, but it doesn't! Well that's all I have for now! Hopefully my happyness last for a few days.

New Washer!!

My washer was delivered today around 2. It is not as big as it looked in the store, which makes me very happy! I may have ruined some clothes because I usually wash towels in with whites & I guess I can't do that with a front load washer. My bad! I'm rewashing them now to see if they will come clean. I hope so, I messed up some of Gary's clothes & I feel bad. I went to my orientation session for work study today. I was perdy basic. I should only have to work around 10 hours a week to make the $250 a month I need. I'm excited! I usually have to work at least 20 hours a week so 10 will be amazing! Maybe I will beable to boost my GPA or at least have time for some fun! I'm feeling a bit better about the break up. I have been having bad dreams about Gary writing emails to his exwife. Last night I was sleeping in his room while he played wow & had a dream that while I was sleeping he was writing her saying stuff like we this & we that, we being him & her. I woke up fairly upset. Gary says that she has been writing him emails. She has been writing him emails the whole time we were together. It made me feel uncomfortable & like I was just a filler until they got back together. Now I feel even worse because they are writing again. If he still wants to be with her that is fine, but why get a devorice? I've been with him throught a lot of things that I'm fairly certain most girls would not have stuck by him through. & now that means nothing, that's what I feel like. Just a little venting! Gary baught me his favorite book to read. I thought it was going to be dumb, but so far I like it. It's called Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind. They are making a TV series out of it & we will end up watching it so I guess I need the background. Well I think that's all the events of the day.

Hmm

I'm feeling anger today. I don't like that I feel used or possibly lied to. I am starting to lose hope in love. When you love someone & would do anything for them then find out some secrets, it makes the pain of the love go away. That feeling of love gets lost when the feelings of pain & anger take over. I want to feel the love & think that people are good. Now I think I am the good one. I'm listening to the song Better Than Me by Hinder, & I think I deserve better. I deserve better & even if it means I am to be alone at least I will be with someone who I know loves me & wants the best for me. That's all I have. Life goes on & I'll be ok.

Sad Sad

It's over for me & Gary. I hate saying it, I hate thinking it, but its over. My world, my future was so brite & clear until last month. Now its a dark & scary place. I am moving on, I don't feel the urge to tell Gary I love him any more. I still do love him & I probably always will. We are still friends & buddies, but its hard. I still cry, like I am now, but there is a little hope for a bright future. I talked to Ed & he makes me feel better. He has been where I am & he said I will stop cry, but I wont get over loving Gary. Yesterday was a perdy good day. I felt ok. Today I woke up walked away & felt good. Andy came over & it was weird. Gary says I keep trying to sell him a washer (inside thing). I just can't understand how love can be gone. How he can't try. How a person can lose hope in someone they once thought of as a soul mate? How does that happen? Why didn't I try sooner? How could I put myself & Gary through this? It's hard.

On a kind of happier note, Gary & Andy took the couches away & I get a new washer on Thurdays. I have so much laundry! It's crazy. That's the happy I have right now.

It's been a month

Gary & I have been on a break for a month today. I cry everyday & the pain does not seem to end or even get easier to bare. I've been trying different things but nothing seems to work. I feel like my heart break a little more every day. He tells me he does not want me to leave, but does not want to be in a relationship. I don't want to be buddies & I don't want to leave. So that's the stale mate we are at. It blows!

I went over to Jessica's tonight for a girls night. There were only 4 of us there. Sam, Jess, Me, & some girl I just met I don't even remember her name! I'm so bad. I didn't drink because I have a cold & I'm depressed. Drinking & not being happy is not a good combination. I have been through that several times & don't want to do it again any time soon. So we just hung out. We went to Safeway & Brad was working so we chatted a little. I always that if anyone asks or talks to me about Gary I will cry. It's really hard for me to deal with it. I'm trying to help myself, but its so hard having him here. A part of me just wants a clean break, but the bigger part of me knows this work out. This waiting around is what kills me. I feel like for the better part of the day he just pretends like I am not here or that I'm some random friend. Then when he comes to bed & right when we wake up its fine. It drives me crazy. I feel like the crazy exgirl friend that will not go away, but he tells me to stay. I don't know. Grr I wish I knew boys! Having 4 brothers did not help me! I want to talk to them about it but I know the problem is me & I'm also embarassed. To know that I could be wrong about "the one" who is right for me. I feel like I'm such an idiot & I let myself down. Its so hard because even though I feel like I let myself down I feel that Gary is still the right one. He is just scared or getting cold feet. I'm not pressuring him to marry me or anything, I don't even want to be married anytime soon! Oh well its my problem & I don't think it will go away anytime soon.

Compatibility Test

http://www.datingdiversions.com/img/heart.jpg) no-repeat 26px 0px; width: 350px; border: 2px solid #ee88bb; padding: 0px; margin: 15px;">

Zana
&
Gary

69% Compatible

♥ Zana and Gary have been romantically-together for awhile now, indicating a degree of compatibility. Being from different religious backgrounds may cause friction. And a mismatch in athleticism could decrease compatibility. Their astrological signs are in harmony, though, which is a plus. And their views on children are similar. Zana and Gary are somewhat compatible overall. There are definitely some rough spots, but those can be overcome with love and dedication. ♥

http://www.datingdiversions.com/dating_compatibility.html">Test Your Dating Compatibility

Candles & Dinner

Last night I made a candle lit dinner for Gary. It was perdy nice. We just ate & talked, then there was supposed to be some comit dust so we sat on the balcony to watch it. We only saw a few, but it was nice. Then he played wow & I went to bed. I'm feeling good about us, but today he told me he worries about us being compatible. Which I used stand is important, but I think we are. I mean sure we like different things, but we like a lot of the same things too. I feel that our biggest issue is video games, but I'm working on that. I need to be more relaxed, which I am also working on. On a different note I found another big spider today. Not as big as the one on Thursday, but it was no small one either! I let out a huge scream! Then I was trying to kill it. I was swinging the fly swater all around. Char (the neighbor who killed the other one) asked me if I killed it, but I think it ran down the balcony. Gary then sprayed the house down. Another one popped out & he sprayed it until it died. I have not seen any since. Hmm what else.... Oh Char & I talked & let Scribbles & Boarder play for a little bit today. It was nice. Scribbles was so funny she just kept running from Boarder, then she got fed up & started chasing him down. I started watching Heros on like Thursday. It is really good. I am hooked! Gary has been watching some episodes with me. So that's all I have, I'm ganna go watch the Lake House now.

It's Over!!

I just got a call from the lawyer & the case has been dropped!! I'm so excited! I was very scared & nervous about being a witness up in front of a jury! I also didn't want Gary to go to jail! It would suck! Now its over & we don't have to worry anymore! That's the best news I have heard in a while! The lawyer is ganna call Gary & tell him that he has to go to jail! I wish I could be there to see his face! We had a really great lawyer. Him calling to tell Gary he is going to jail shows his personality. He is a perdy fun guy, but he was strait with us the whole time about what could happen & what we needed to do. Weird I just saw a strange man outside. That was weird. Not too many strangers walk around by our doors. There are only 4 apartments in this building & we are tucked back off the road so people dont just stumble by. Anyways.... Don't remember where I was going so I'll just leave at I'm excited! I'm going out again tonight, this time with some old work friends! I'm excited! I like going out with people & having a good time. Then tomorrow I'm having breakfast with Jessica & Sam!! I love having plans with friends!! Yay! Ok I'm off to find something to do....

Why oh why

Sometimes I feel like I just don't matter. That's where I'm at right now. Today I took the day off thinking Gary & I could spend some time together. I tried to wake up around 9ish, but fell back asleep until 11. We decided to make breakfast, dink around, Gary would give plasma, & we would head to the river. I thought that was a good roadmap for the day. So while making breakfast Gary was playing wow & his part of breakfast showed it. We didn't get out of the house until just after 2. Giving plasma took an hour & a half. During which Scribbles & I went to Jeff's house so his son could play with Scribbles. It was fun, she gets kind of grouchy which I dont like. Gary called & we went to get him around 3:30. In my mind I was thinking that this day was off to a very late start, but I didn't say anything. We have not been to the river yet so we got kinda lost & ended up just going for a 2 hour drive. It was nice to get out & do something. Plus I like to explore new places & see whats out there. The river was pretty. I would like to go back & at least touch it or stop. So anyways when we got back we decided on fijitas for supper. I would make perdy much everything except the rice & to grate cheese. So away I went to cooking my part. I asked Gary how long the rice would take, he did not answer. I didn't think it was a big deal, he was busy with wow. I figured it would take 20 mintues like usual, Gary was ganna use the new rice cooker my dad got us. Which I have never used before & didn't know what to expect. Around the time I usually put the rice on I yelled to Gary, who was like 20 feet at max from me. He said ok, but did not come over to start it. I figured it was because the cooker would be faster than on the stove. My fijitas were about 15 mintues from being done, about 15 minutes after I asked Gary to start the rice, when I asked him about the rice. I didn't get a response, so I set out to figure out how to work the cooker. By the time I did I had forgettin about my cooking veggie mix & burned it a bit. Did not make me happy. I finished getting the fijitas put together, & Gary came over to do the rice. I told him I already had it in the cooker. So he went back to the game. I let Scribbles out & played with her a bit. It was time to get the cheese grated & I asked Gary if he was going to do it still. He didn't say anything to me so I did it myself. After I got it done & was puting the rice together he came over to do it. I told him it was done. He said sorry & went back to the game. I get feed up with having to wait for a break in the game or for him to get some kind of motivation to do anything besides play wow. He has been being very good lately about doing things, but at the same time its the same way it was. That doesn't make sense I know, but its how I feel. I went back down stairs after my shower & started to get the dishes done. He come over to help, but I told him I would do. It just makes me feel worse when I start to do something & he comes to take over. Like its a favor or something. Its not to me, he should do it himself instead of seeing me do & try to take over. If I would not have went down to finish cleaning the kitchen I would have came home from work tomorrow at 6pm to find it waiting for me with the addition of his dishes from the day. Today has been a moody day for me. I don't know if I should feel like I do or if I'm going to an extreme. I would just like to have Gary help me make supper or clean it up. I don't like having to do both. I tell him that I feel like I'm doing everything. Sometimes he tells me he feels like I am doing everything. I can't just sit around & watch my house get dirty & wait for him to decide its dirty enough to clean. It's not how I work. So in that sense I know that I am doing everything because my level of clean is higher than his. It makes me so upset to think that this could be the rest of my life. Cleaning up after someone else while he plays wow. The way we do the cleaning now is that who ever sees the mess takes care of it. I don't know if its worse or better. I'm still doing the greater part of the work, I just feel like I can't ask him to do anything. Grr I do feel happier with the way things are right now for the most part, but at the same time I feel powerless. Like if I do something he does not like he will break it off for good & I'll be homeless or stuck with paying full rent. I do love him, I just wish he could see that he is pushing me away & its tearing me apart. Well I feel much better getting that out. It feels like some pressure has been released. Thanks for reading & I'll try to be more upbeat!

Work

So I'm perdy much sick of working my summer job! I came home early today & I'm not going tomorrow. Gary has the day off so we are ganna do something! I hope we go to the river swimming or something fun! I really want to go school shopping, but I have to wait until Friday. Gary is going to Boise this weekend to see Andy. I want to go just cuz I like to travel, but I think Gary will have more fun without me & Scribbles. So I will probably be staying home unless plans change. I will be going to Twin Falls on the 16th so I don't know if I want to go on both trips anyways. I am so excited for Twin Falls! I have not seen Mar in a long time & it should be fun! Plus Alex is going to be there too! That's all I have for now!

Crappy night!

Gary running around with Scribbles on our walk.

Gary was dead asleep this morning! It was a long night for both of us!

I was trying to nap on the couch, so Scribbles decided to join me. My head was her bed.

Last night Gary & I decided to go out & have a few drinks, play some pool. I drank a bunch, which for me like only like max 5 beers! Anyways I almost went home with someone I didn't know. I tried to get Garys attention, I texted & called him, but he did not respond. So I left. Daniel talked to me on the walk home. I felt so scared. It was cold. My phone battery went dead so Dan called Gary, who came home. He was trying to call me, but I felt like he left me alone & I didn't want to talk to him. When he got home I cried for seriously 2 hours! It sucked. I feel that moments like last night bring Gary & I closer. I wish I would talk with him sometimes but I get sidetracked or other things come up. Then I just explode! My head hurts so bad. Oh well next time I will do better! I was playing pool perdy well last night. I was suprised!

I miss Alex really bad! I'm ganna be seeing her on the 16th when I got to my cousins wedding in Twin Falls. I'm excited! Mar is ganna be there too. It should be a fun time. I don't think I have anything else... Scribbles is getting big & loves to play fetch. I'm glad she likes fetch because I do! We took her for a walk last night & she really enjoyed it.