I'm out!

I finished moving my stuff out yesterday. Happy, sad moment. I had a rough day & today is kinda gloomy. I know I will be ok in the end, but it still hurts to know that I was lied to & cheated on. The worst thing is wondering why. Why did he have to do this to me? He could have chosen so dumb slut to do it to, but he chose me. Took away my freedom & then told me I was not independent. I'm sorry thats fucked up. I cried Saturday after selling the washer for the first time in like week or more. Then last night/yesterday was very emotional. I just can't understand how a person can treat another person like that. Even on my worst mean, hating day I could never lie to someone & give them hope. I just don't get it. Oh welll you live you learn.

On a happy note I'm going to Boise this weekend to party a little. I'm excited! I really want to just forget about things & be single & have fun! I'm a little nervous about what will happen, but I'm determined to have fun. Dance my cares away!

I went on a date last week & it was totally not worth my time. The guy didn't even open any doors for me! How lame is that? I told him I had other plans for after the date & he kept trying to get me to go over to his place & watch a movie. I also had plans for Saturday night & he could not understand that either! Seriously I'm not looking for someone to take over my life! Been there, done that. I'm looking for someone to have fun with. Someone I can hang out with.

I don't really thing here is anything else going on. I have 3 exams this week. One today & 2 tomorrow & I'm not ganna do very well on any of them. My head is not in the right spot. Thanks dick! I just hope that I can get some of the money out of him. Why was I so stupid! I saw this coming & still let it happen!

I'm moving out!

I have decided to move out earlier than expected. I was trying to wait until the end of December so I could move into my new apartment without having to move 2 times within a month. Now I get to move twice in 2 months! Yay me! By the end of this year I will have moved 3 times, doubling how many times I have moved in my whole life! These past few weeks have been really great compared to the emotional roller coaster Gary had me on for the past 3 months. I have found that I have family & friends that I can count on & I wish I would have listened to them a year & a half ago when they tried to warn me! Or even in the Spring when people told me to think again about moving in with Gary. Oh well the past is the past I now I can make better decisions for myself. I just wish I would not have put the washer in my name or opened a cell phone for him cuz now I'm stuck with the bills! I'm in the process of selling the washer, which so far has not gotten any hits. If it does not sell by Wednesday Sears will take it back, but I still have to pay like $250 for a washer I will not longer have! I'm trying to get a family friend to store it for me & if that goes through than I may keep it. I do like the washer, but I let myself get talked into it. I'm going to work on not letting people walk over me. I want to stand up for myself & get what I want. It's my life! Well anyways I ganna try to get some sleep. This time change has helped me get a little more sleep than usual except last night!

On Sunday I gave Scribbles away. I'm sad & I miss her but I'm glad I did it. She needs someone who can give her more attention than I can right now. She did really good on the car ride to Boise. I thought she would be whinny & freaking out, but she just watched out the windows. I think she enjoyed it! I don't think I have anything else....Nope I don't

It's all done

It would appear that 3 options actually meant I have found another girl. Gary has been seeing a new person this whole week. Been getting home very late, or early. We have not slept together since Saturday & we will never sleep together again. I can hardly sleep at night. Last night I got 5 hours & thought that it was good. I just don't understand how he can go from saying I wont see anyone else while your here to doing another girl, not even a month after saying it! Today has been a fairly good day though. I woke up & decided that it was going to be a good day. & it was up until Gary was home at the same time as me. It was weird. I talk to Jessica today at Winco & she said Gary was dressed weird. He was wearing those huge pants & the blue dragon shirt. He looked like a werido. Oh well, I guess when your trying to be with someone & don't want to get rejected you start making yourself into the person they want you to be. Which is what he did for me, so why not do it for the next girl. Jeff & Heather have been helping me feel better. I go to their house a bunch & stayed the night on Wednesday. I am probably ganna stay there all weekend cuz Andy & family/friends will be in town. I really hate this. I thought it was just something Gary was going through. I thought we would be able to work through it. How can he change for a new girl & not for me? I was talking to a team mate today that said she had the same experience & now she is with a person who is 10 times better. I just want someone to be there for me when I'm having a rough time like with my 407 assignment. That's what made the end of today sad for me. I'm frustrated with my homework so it makes me think about Gary being with a new girl. Me not being enough. Fuck this was such a good day, I was so happy. I am ganna make myself happy. I have friends & family to support me through this! I will be ok, I don't need a man or a boy like Gary in my life. I can take care of myself! Now back to the evil homework. Wish me luck!

3 Options

I've had a very rough week. Gary has been pushing me away again & I can't take it. Today he told me that we have 3 options: Move on, stay in the mess, or get back together. He wants to move on & I was to get back together. Why does it have to be like this? I wish I could quit loving him & move on, but I can't. I try. I want to be happy again. I was happy for a little while, then he pushes me away again. I want to be buddies like we were before this relationship mess! I had a messed up dream last night. Gary had called Charlotte & she was at my house. It made me so mad & he wouldn't tell me why he did it. There was also something wrong with Parker that he would not tell me about, but he was texting like crazy with Charlotte! So finally he told me that he called her because he thought he might have AIDs. How crazy is that? That's what I woke up to. Plus last night was I was up until 3am, same shit. I hate my life! Why do I have to love someone that wants nothing to do with me? My whole body is sad. I have lost a bunch of weight & my hair keeps falling out. I'm always sick & feel like I could throw up at anytime. My head is killing me, I just want to sleep, but it's hard to sleep. When I do get to sleep I have bad dreams. I'm so stressed out! I want to move on, but how do I do that when he's the one I want? The one my mind is made up to be with. And he wont even give me the chance to prove to him that I am the best one for him. I fucking hate this shit.

Just an update

It was my birthday not this past weekend but the one before that on the 4th. I had a good time. We went bowling & played some games. I've been drinking a bunch lately. Not sure why but probably because it helps me feel good for a little while. A bunch is once a week usually, sometimes twice. The past few weekends have been really fun. Gary & I have been going over to hang out with Jeff & Heather. That's what we did for my b-day. I'm still having trouble with my 407 class. I got an 86/200 on my last assignment plus I fail quizzes like its the cool thing to do! I just feel so behind in that class! Like I don't have the background to be in there. It's so frustrating! On top of it all I'm burnt out with school so I don't want to do homework! I had 2 exams last week that I'm sure I passed. I have an econometrics exam this week that I have no idea what to study! I'm sure I will pass all my classes except 407. I'm debating weather I should stick with it & fail or just drop it & retake it when I have a ligher load. I just know I have to take so I want to chance it because I could get a D. That's passing, right? If I drop it I will only have 14 credits this semester & therefore I would have to stay for the summer or another semester. Which right now is looking good to me. Few classes means I have more time to study & relax. I just want to be though! My dad told me the other day that my aunt can get me a job at the bank where she works. So I don't have to worry about that. It's in SLC so I will be a lot closer to home. I still want to be with Gary. That never goes away. But it's his ball so I'm just trying to do my best. I still cry a lot. Everyday is a struggle, but it seems to be getting better, I think. It snowed in BL this weekend. Mar sent me pics that I'm ganna put on here. I'm excited for the first snow! I love it! I don't want the cold though.

I hate love

I got this email today & I liked it. I have had a crapy day & its only noon! Last night I had a dream that Gary invited me to go to Paul Bunyon days with. He went there early & I went with Alex & Nancy. When we got there Gary just ignored me & was waiting for someone else. During the dream I was so sad. When the girl got there Nancy asked me if I knew her. I said no. It hurt so bad to have her & Alex there while he was with this Sarah girl. It was kind of funny though because the girl didn't seem like she wanted to be there with him. She kept pulling away while he held her hand. There was also another dream, but this one is the only one I can remember. I wish I could just drop this. This is ruining me! I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want him to go away! I want to forget everything we had together. I want to move forward. I love him & I can't believe this is happening to me! I tired so hard to keep my heart protected. Then Gary came along. I still kept it to myself, but eventually he got in. Now I can't get him out. Even when he hurts me more. Saying things that I know he doesn't mean to be hurtful about. I'm not making myself his bitch when I do things for him, it's me trying to show him I care. Why can't he see that? I want someone who does the things from this email. Gary used to, but that's the past. I hate my life right now. I hate having his hurt me so much. I hate almost crying in public multiple times a day. It's all for nothing! I'm not scared to be alone. I've been alone for the better part of my life. I thought he was the one. The one who would make everything better, not worse! I have never felt like this before. So torn & alone. As much as I want to graduate & get away from here, I want to say & make us better. I deserve so much better. I hate this! I hate to hate me. I hate thinking my life was just getting started to have it torn up & thrown in my face. To be stuck & not know what I should do next. Or better yet knowing what I need to do & not being strong enough to do it. I hate it all.

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouths of babes. What does 'Love' mean? A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does 'love' mean?' The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' Rebecca- age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' Chrissie - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.' Danny - age 7
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mummy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss' Emily - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.' Bobby -> age 7
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,' Nikka - age 6
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.' Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' Cindy - age 8
'My mummy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' Clare -> age 6
'Love is when Mummy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine-age 5
'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' Chris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day' Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' Karen - age 7
'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.' Mark - age 6
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.' Jessica - age 8
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

Just wanting to get away for a bit

I'm just taking a break from studying & thought I would let out some feelings. Gary keeps saying things that hurt me. I don't know if he does it on purpose or if I'm just super sensitive. (I'm guessing the latter is it) So the other night he told me that we are in love, but we are not compatable. That makes me mad. He thinks that we should get alone about everything & never get on each others nerves. Relationships are supposed to be easy. Yeah right! I don't know what world he is living in. I keep getting told that I am crazy for waiting for him to come around & that I deserve better than him, but I don't believe it. I love him & I know we can work if he would just get off the horse that he is running away on & realize that I am here. Maybe I just don't see our fighting as fighting. I don't like that he plays wow all day everyday, but I'm getting used to it. I'm realizing that that is who he is. He finds it annoying that I'm a clean freak. Ok I get that, so I have not been asking him to do things, I just do them myself. Except for the dishes, which have been filling the sink. I don't mind doing the cleaning, I actually feel proud & happy when I do it, kinda like he is happy & proud of his wow people being really good. I wish he could see that. I wish he could see a lot of things. Maybe I should explore what I think a bad relaionship is. To me my parents have a bad relationship. They fight & argue all the time. They are only together for the kids, if you will. I also think a bad relationship is when you depend on the other person for just about everything. I see this in Gary's marriage. From what I understand. Nicole was just using Gary for money & stability. That is in no way a good relationship. Little or bad communication is also bad. I think Gary & I have our days of bad communication, which I think is normal. Sometimes there are bad days. Compromise is also key to a good relationship. Right now we do not have that. One example is that we always have to sleep on the futon in couch form. I deal with it because thats the only way I get to sleep with Gary. But here & there I want to be able to sleep without waking up 4-5 times just to move or because I'm dieing of heat! Sometime, or all the time it seems like now, we have to do things his way. It doesn't matter if what I want is different. He has just totally given up. That's what hurts me the most. Everytime he says that he loves me but it wont work, cuts me deeper, breaks my heart even more. How come he can not realize that I am the best? That I will be here, that I will not treat him like the girls of his past. I'm starting to hate him for being so ignorant. I can see the potiental in him, why can't he see what I am & my potiental? It makes me upset. He is great & he is the one I want to be with, but I sometimes find myself wanting to be rid of him. Wanting to be away. He told me I'm scared to be alone. I'm not. I'm scared to be without the man I love. I could have another man in my life by tomorrow, but I don't want another. It hurts every time I have to call him my room mate. It hurts to know that that is all he is to me or rather that is all I am to him. Ok I'm ganna go back to studying cuz I'm sick of thinking about retarded boys.