Snow!

It's snowed all weekend. I don't really mind it, it just sucks to walk in & it's cold! It does make me feel sad & lonely. I don't really know why. Winter is just a lonely time I guess. It's very pretty though, which I love. I think just at this point in time I'm very lost & confused about what to do next. I'm secluding myself. I love going to work at Macy's & Mem because I get to see people I know & really like to be around! I love when I get to spend time with these peeps outside of work. It's fairly rare that I get to spend non work time with these people. I'm ganna miss them sooo much! I hope when I get to my new location I will make friends like I have here in Moscow. I think that's what makes me sad. I hate missing people. I'm always missing someone & feeling like I need to reach out to them. I don't like that I never get to see Alex or hold her. On a bad day when I just need a hug I want her to be here. Or with this new snow I want to go play, but she is not here to play with! I'm so busy too that its hard to find the time anyways. I have 3 chapters to read before friday, a midterm on thursday, and a Problem set due Thursday!! Ugh I'm so overloaded it makes me want to cry! I didn't get to sleep last night until 1am because I was stressing out. Well I have to get to class!

Dr Part 2

My dr called me today & my pap is still abnormal. Not good. So I went into talk with her. I have to go in for a colposcopy with biopsy. Basically she is ganna look at my cervix with a telescope type thing, spray some solution in there that will make the bad areas white. She will cut out those bad areas. If they are too bad then I go to a gynecologists to have my cervix frozen. It's not cancer now but over time like years it could turn into cancer. She didn't say what side effects this would have on having children, but a frozen cervix doesn't sound good. I'm nervous, but I've been nervous since October when I first found out about this junk. It makes it hard to forget the past when this complication is here. I just want to move on & not worry about anything, but this is here & I have to deal with it. I feel angry. I'm mad at myself for letting someone in who has hurt me. I should have protected myself. Ya live & ya learn I guess. I want Alex to get the HPV vaccination as soon as possible. It would appear that we don't have the jeans to kick this & she does not need to have the fear that I do.

It's been snowing all day today! My E-ship teacher just canceled class at 5:30! I'm so glad she did because I was thinking about skipping anyways. I would skip 409 too but I need to get more points. It's really hard to go to class anyways, but after my bad news today all I want to do is go home put on my pjs & watch a movie. I feel depressed & lonely!! I'm going to the basketball game tonight with Anna which should be fun. Don't know if I'm going dancing. More than likely not because of a series of events but that's fine. I've had a long day anyways & I need to sleep! Ugh I really do not want to go to class!! Hopefully we get out early!! oh man oh man!!

Luke is very nice. I told him about the HPV & he seems very interested! I'm glad he is not rejected! Being reminded about it makes me want to push him away so I don't get hurt again. I'm still hurt & just beginning to heal. I don't want what I have worked so hard to fix get ripped back open. I don't need stress & complication right now. My dr said no smoking, more sleep, better eating. I just need to work on the sleeping thing. I want to just take a shot & relax, but no more drinking either. I need to get better. I haven't cried today luckily. I almost have a few time, but I pushed it away. I'm back to being in control of my emotions, which is great! Well my battery is about it die & I need to get to class! Maybe I'll write more later!!

CDA weekend!

I went to CDA this weekend with Jessica, Maddi, and the boys. I was nervous about it because I don't know the area, but it was really fun! We went out on Friday night & I was perdy far along before we even left the house! I hadn't drank in 2 weeks so I was ready for some fun! So yeah ended up drinking & dancing a lot! Got some sweet pics of me giving a lap dance to one of our DD's. Not so sure how I feel about pics like that being out in the world, but I guess that's life! On Saturday I was hungover all day! I hate that! I was in slow mode & just slept on Luke the whole day! We also went to Spokane. It was my first time there! Didn't do anything but go to the mall and have Evans one year pics done. He is the cutest little boy! Then Saturday night we went to Jessica's brother Chris's play The Jungle Book. Which was entertaining. It was hard to stay awake! Friday night I slept like 3 or 4 hours! Which was more than everyone else because I went to bed early! We went in the hot tub & it made me sick! I don't do well with hot tubs! On Sunday I went to church for the first time since Rylin's baptism almost 4 years ago! At the church they also sold coffee, which is totally against what I was taught at church! We also went in normal cloths, no dresses! It was a totally different experience for me! I'm glad I went, and saw what it was like. I think I would actually go again too. I didn't get the feeling that I was totally messing up my life or sinning! So that was nice! i think that's all I have to say about the adventure! Meet a nice man Luke. Him and the other guys from the weekend are going to come to Moscow this weekend for Marti Gras. That should be fun. Now I have to get some hw done!

Can't sleep

For the past 4 nights I have not gone to bed before 4am!! So that makes it so I can't sleep tonight! I feel really lonely. Just can't shake the feeling for some reason. I have great friends & I constantly text & talk to them, but at the end of the day I'm still home alone. It's so weird because when I lived alone I never remember being this lonely & I didn't have friends like I have right now. I do like days like today when I wake up, burn some chocolate chip pancakes, do laundry, & homework. Just me doing house stuff. I would just like someone to be here right now when I can't sleep to keep me company. I want to txt someone or reach out, but its 1am! 2am to my BL peeps, so I don't want to bother anyone with my sad tales. I guess I'll just blog about them. There's this boy that makes me crazy when he's around. When I'm around him I get shaky, excited. It's hard to function! When he smiles at me I'm sure all I do is blush! It feels so immature, but I love it! I went out to CJ's again last night with my Macy's peeps & he went with us. We danced for a while, but he spent the rest of the night with my friend Ashton. Which is fine, but still hurts. To know that the guy that drives you crazy likes someone else sucks! Luckily this is not a new feeling for me. I love Ashton, she is so much fun! She always keeps me laughing! I left CJ's at close & took Chad & Ayla home when I got home he txtd me saying he wanted to dance. How are you supposed to respond to that? Um sorry I was there all night! Like seriously! I'm so confused! I know boys & I know what a brush off is. I also know that to smooth it over they say things like that so next time they see you it will "be ok". It's hard for me to tell if its genuine or if he is playing the game. I really would like to think it's genuine, but my experience tells me its not. I also know that because I like him so much I'm going to try & justify what's happening. Try to make myself feel better & make him out to be a good guy when he could be a douche. Oh the confusion!!

I just hit 30,000 miles on my car! She is not my baby anymore! She is like a toddler now! I'm scared now that the warranty is up that something will go wrong! Let us pray that nothing does! I have an exam on Tuesday & I'm in no way ready! I was ganna study today, but I just wanted to relax! I need to get on the study bus. I can't afford to fail any classes! Well I'm feeling kinda sleepy so I'm ganna try to sleep!

Doctor

I went to the Dr at 2:00. I hurt so bad!! I have never been poked at that much! I can hardly stand or sit up strait!! I hope the pain passes soon or I'm ganna have to skip class. The dr said everything looked really good! I'm so glad. Now I just have to wait a week until the lab stuff comes back! On the way to the office I couldn't decide if I was ganna cry or throw up! It was hard to control both, but I did it! I'm still super nervous & shaking! I didn't get a chance to ask her about the passing out thing because she was in a rush! I know what's up with that though so I'm not worried. Ugh it really hurts! I've never had this before & I'm glad!

I hung out with a very nice man last night! It was really nice. No pressure or anything to do things I didn't want to do!! It's a good thing, it will help me with my goal cuz I've broken that plan once & I don't want to again! I think he is going to go dancing tonight & tomorrow too!! I really hope so! I love dancing! I went to class last night & it was amazing! I had more fun at that class then I did over the whole semester when I was in the class!! I hope I can go every week!! I'm sore today though. We did lots of dips & my abs & arms hurt! That added to this new pain makes me a sad sight!! I'm so glad that its over though. Just a week until I know whats up!! I don't want cancer or any business like that! If I can move tonight the dancing will be really good for me. It's nice to forget about things for a while & just dance!! I have to write a 6 page paper tonight though. It's lame! I should have done it last week! I can't believe how fast this semester is going! It's scaring me! My Dr was telling me that college is really stressful, but it gets easier after you graduate & enter the real world. That makes me really happy! Just need to find a job & house!! Well my comp is ganna die & I have to waddle to class!

Ugh Being Sick Has Side Effects

I passed out twice last night. It was a very scared experience! I was taking my nightly shower. Just washing my hair when I started to feel really hot! The water was at the normal temp so I just figured I was doing the whole hot/cold thing that comes with being sick & that I've been feeling for the past week. I turned the water to a little colder & went about my business. I started to feel like I was ganna pass out so I sat down for a seconds. I realized I wasnt getting any better & quickly finished up my hair. As I was steping out of the tub I started to fully pass out. I tried to help myself fall slowly. I woke up laying on the floor all wet, wondering how long I was out, & if I should get up. It was so scary. My vision was messed up & I was shaking. I'm just laying there trying to decide what to do when I realized the rug is missing. Who moved the rug? I was stuck on that thought for a while. I decided that it didn't matter & that I should try to go to my bed. As I stood up the feeling of passing out came over me again. That feeling sucks. It's even worse when you don't know if you will pass out & how long it will take for someone to realize that your laying on the floor. Anyways I stubble into my room. Unable to see clearly & fighting the urge to black out. Next thing I remember is laying on my bed, being cold & wet. I layed there for about a half hour before I decided it was ok to move. Then I got some food & have been feeling ok since. The last time this happened I was 16 & got taken by ambulance to the ER. It sucked. The Dr perdy much just looked at me & said I hyperventalated. Which is not true. I get this feeling after or while I'm sick & have not been eating well. I also get it if I lose weight quickly. On Monday all I had to eat were some chocolate chip pancakes & popcorn. Not a good idea having been sick the past week! I took some vitamines this morning & plan on taking them everyday agian like I used to do. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday to see if the HPV stuff has cleared out or gotten worse. Let us pray that its gone! I'm very nervous! I don't like the thought of having something growing inside of me! Hmm what else has happened... I don't think there is anything else I need to write about.

My dad!

I know my family has a great influence in my life, but sometime it just overwhelms me. My closet shelf has been attempting to fall down since I moved in. I keep putting off fixing it. Last night stuff started falling off the shelf so I decided to fix it today! Put the battery in my drill, dead. Try the 2nd one, dead. Took 3 hours to charge it! I had to pull the shelf off the wall & rehang it. I don't think I would have had a clue what to do or it would have taken a lot longer if I had not helped my dad with similar projects when I was young. I love my dad! If I ever find a man like him I will ruffy him & take him to Vegas for a quick wedding!! I almost called my dad & told him thank you for teaching me these life things. Thank you for making me independent! Thank you for making it so I don't need to depend on a man to do the "hard stuff." There is nothing I wouldn't do for my dad. I love that I have his name. I love that I'm named after his mother. I love it! I have a lot of pride in myself because of the people I'm named after. I wrote a story about it once. Too bad its on the computer Gary has or I would post it. I'm sure I have a hard copy somewhere. I'll put it up if I run across it. My grandma Wirth is just as amazing. I had trashed this name. I can never be as great as them. I try to be the best that I can be. I try to be like them. To be honest & hard working. I try to live my life with respect for my elders, like my dad always told me. Days like today set me strait. Remind me of where I come from. Who I am! I am a Wirth! I always will be! Even when I get married I will still be Zana Flo Wirth! Nothing will ever change that! I wish my brothers would realize who they are & what they can be. I don't take much pride in my schools are where I'm from, but I take pride in my name. I just love it! I can't even explain how overwhelmed I am when I think about it. I really want to get that tattoo. I will do it soon. I know my dad will not be impressed, but I'm sure he will understand. I love my family!! It's amazing how just fixing a shelf can make me feel this way! Family is always there. My brothers & I had a little fight last week, but Friday I had a rough night & Daniel still talked to me while I was drunk crying. That's what you do.

I have this friend that I really love & she has been there for me through a lot of stuff. She has been a great friend & I'm so glad to have her in my life. There is just this one hickup. I like these boys & I feel like she just sweeps them off their feet & I'm left with nothing. I know its not her fault, but it still hurts. If I know a friend likes a guy I will not make any sort of advancement towards them. I try to put space between us & not do anything to encourage any sort of flirty behavior. Even if it's just a crush or some little likeness. I would feel bad if they showed interest in me & not my friend. Again I know she does not encourage this, I think, but it still feels like it. I don't really know. Maybe I'm just over reacting. Maybe I'm just being dumb, but it hurts! I like this boy & he keeps asking for her number! What the fuck is that? So instead of friend not showing interest in him like I would she dances very physically with him. In this situation I could not flirt as much with the guy I like because I had an ex staring at me the whole time & I didn't want to create drama so I just stood on the back line. Hung out with some other friends. I need to stand up more for what I want. I need to not let things like this happen. Oh man I don't really know. Well I'm ganna go put my stuff back in the closet that is now fixed!!