I hate love

I got this email today & I liked it. I have had a crapy day & its only noon! Last night I had a dream that Gary invited me to go to Paul Bunyon days with. He went there early & I went with Alex & Nancy. When we got there Gary just ignored me & was waiting for someone else. During the dream I was so sad. When the girl got there Nancy asked me if I knew her. I said no. It hurt so bad to have her & Alex there while he was with this Sarah girl. It was kind of funny though because the girl didn't seem like she wanted to be there with him. She kept pulling away while he held her hand. There was also another dream, but this one is the only one I can remember. I wish I could just drop this. This is ruining me! I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want him to go away! I want to forget everything we had together. I want to move forward. I love him & I can't believe this is happening to me! I tired so hard to keep my heart protected. Then Gary came along. I still kept it to myself, but eventually he got in. Now I can't get him out. Even when he hurts me more. Saying things that I know he doesn't mean to be hurtful about. I'm not making myself his bitch when I do things for him, it's me trying to show him I care. Why can't he see that? I want someone who does the things from this email. Gary used to, but that's the past. I hate my life right now. I hate having his hurt me so much. I hate almost crying in public multiple times a day. It's all for nothing! I'm not scared to be alone. I've been alone for the better part of my life. I thought he was the one. The one who would make everything better, not worse! I have never felt like this before. So torn & alone. As much as I want to graduate & get away from here, I want to say & make us better. I deserve so much better. I hate this! I hate to hate me. I hate thinking my life was just getting started to have it torn up & thrown in my face. To be stuck & not know what I should do next. Or better yet knowing what I need to do & not being strong enough to do it. I hate it all.

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouths of babes. What does 'Love' mean? A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does 'love' mean?' The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' Rebecca- age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' Chrissie - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.' Danny - age 7
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mummy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss' Emily - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.' Bobby -> age 7
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,' Nikka - age 6
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.' Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' Cindy - age 8
'My mummy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' Clare -> age 6
'Love is when Mummy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine-age 5
'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' Chris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day' Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' Karen - age 7
'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.' Mark - age 6
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.' Jessica - age 8
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

Just wanting to get away for a bit

I'm just taking a break from studying & thought I would let out some feelings. Gary keeps saying things that hurt me. I don't know if he does it on purpose or if I'm just super sensitive. (I'm guessing the latter is it) So the other night he told me that we are in love, but we are not compatable. That makes me mad. He thinks that we should get alone about everything & never get on each others nerves. Relationships are supposed to be easy. Yeah right! I don't know what world he is living in. I keep getting told that I am crazy for waiting for him to come around & that I deserve better than him, but I don't believe it. I love him & I know we can work if he would just get off the horse that he is running away on & realize that I am here. Maybe I just don't see our fighting as fighting. I don't like that he plays wow all day everyday, but I'm getting used to it. I'm realizing that that is who he is. He finds it annoying that I'm a clean freak. Ok I get that, so I have not been asking him to do things, I just do them myself. Except for the dishes, which have been filling the sink. I don't mind doing the cleaning, I actually feel proud & happy when I do it, kinda like he is happy & proud of his wow people being really good. I wish he could see that. I wish he could see a lot of things. Maybe I should explore what I think a bad relaionship is. To me my parents have a bad relationship. They fight & argue all the time. They are only together for the kids, if you will. I also think a bad relationship is when you depend on the other person for just about everything. I see this in Gary's marriage. From what I understand. Nicole was just using Gary for money & stability. That is in no way a good relationship. Little or bad communication is also bad. I think Gary & I have our days of bad communication, which I think is normal. Sometimes there are bad days. Compromise is also key to a good relationship. Right now we do not have that. One example is that we always have to sleep on the futon in couch form. I deal with it because thats the only way I get to sleep with Gary. But here & there I want to be able to sleep without waking up 4-5 times just to move or because I'm dieing of heat! Sometime, or all the time it seems like now, we have to do things his way. It doesn't matter if what I want is different. He has just totally given up. That's what hurts me the most. Everytime he says that he loves me but it wont work, cuts me deeper, breaks my heart even more. How come he can not realize that I am the best? That I will be here, that I will not treat him like the girls of his past. I'm starting to hate him for being so ignorant. I can see the potiental in him, why can't he see what I am & my potiental? It makes me upset. He is great & he is the one I want to be with, but I sometimes find myself wanting to be rid of him. Wanting to be away. He told me I'm scared to be alone. I'm not. I'm scared to be without the man I love. I could have another man in my life by tomorrow, but I don't want another. It hurts every time I have to call him my room mate. It hurts to know that that is all he is to me or rather that is all I am to him. Ok I'm ganna go back to studying cuz I'm sick of thinking about retarded boys.

Its weird...

Gary told me yesterday that it is weird when I tell him that I love him. Why is that weird? I don't understand. It's made today hard. I have almost cried a few times. But I have held strong, who knows how. As much as I want to graduate I really don't. After I graduate I will be gone. I will be away from Gary & who knows if I will ever see him again. That breaks my heart all over again. Today is going to be very hard. Gary is sick again. This time he has a fever & a bad cough. He didn't go to classes. I'm trying to do things to make him feel better, but while I'm doing those things I wonder why. Yesterday Gary also told me that I make myself his bitch. I'm sorry if I want to make you happy. To do things for you. To show you that I care. That I will be there. I'm sorry I was too busy to fold the laundry so I asked you to help me. I'm sorry your not as willing to help me as I am to help you. What if it was me that was sick? Would you go get me medicine? Would you put an extra blanket on me? Got to go to class.

Why

Last night was another bad night. I hate when I walk into the room & he hurries to change windows. I'm not stupid, I know what is going on. It's hard. I would say last night we had a fight. On the way home from the bar he said that I was acting like a girlfriend. I cried when we got home. He came in & I told him he didn't have to worry about it cuz he was not my boyfriend. It was mean & it just made me feel worse. I'm starting to have a lot of anger towards him. He keeps saying he loves me, but its different. It still hurts, everyday, all the time. I almost drove back to Montpelier last night. I can't handle the stress. It's so hard to deal with things. I still love him, but the things I keep seeing are making me hate parts of him. I still love him more than the anger. I don't want to get back into a relationship with him, but I want to try & make things work. I know they can, he just needs to want it too. That's where I'm at. The same spot. I feel bad that I let myself down. Every time I let someone in they seem to just hurt me. It's never different. I thought Gary was different, but its starting to seem like he is just like everyone else. What did I do to deserve this? I try to be nice to people, but I never get that back. It supposed to be that things come back to you. But I don't know what things I have done to deserve this. I feel like nothing good happens for me. Sure there are good things, but when it rains it pours on me. It doesn't seem like its ever good. With Gary I thought my good rain had come, but not its a cold rain that does not go away. The cloud is always over my head & whenever I start feeling like I'm getting back on my feet the rain starts pouring & my feet slip in the mud. Sometimes Gary is there to help me back up, but its only to push me down again. I'm ganna go try to distract myself.

Another Month

Now its been 2 long months. I still cry when ever I think about it. I'm crying now. I still don't understand how a person can love, but think it wont work when it can. The need to tell Gary I love him has returned. I don't know why. Maybe I have "fallen back in love with him." I don't know. I'm so lost & confused. I love him & will still do whatever it takes to make him see that I am here for the long run. Why can't that be enough? All the times I thought my life would be easier without Gary I was so wrong! Not being with Gary is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I have closed myself off from the world. My friend Jeff keeps inviting me to do things with him & his family, but I turn him down. I just want to sit alone & cry the day away. The depression is still here. I do think it has gotten better. Some days thoughts just consume me, like Thursday. Thursday was a bad day from the start. A song by Limp Bisket reminds me of that day. It goes some thing like, Some days you just dont want to wake up, everything is fucked, everybody sucks. You dont really know why but you want to justify ripping someones face off. That was my day. I cried for at least 2 hours. I just couldn't stop. To know that Gary loves me, but choose to be ignorant to that blows my mind! Obviously we will not work if he keeps telling himself we wont. Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face! I'm right here I love you & I want to make you happy. What more do I have to do? I'm not changing who I am. If anything I am going back to the person I was before. Which is a good thing. I just want to punch myself in the face for sticking around, waiting for him to change his stubborn mind. Oh well I guess in 8 months I'm outie. I think that's all I have. Classes are still getting me down, but I'm trying.

Maybe its Thursdays...

I had a perdy good weekend. I was happy. But last night that all changed. I did get sick on Sunday. Gary got sick on Friday & was trying to get me sick, which I don't understand. He got what he wanted, I wish I could! So I have missed most of my classes once. My throat has been killing me, today it has started to feel better. I took some meds before my 8am class, which was a very bad idea. I could hardly stay awake! Anyways I've been sad again today. Trying not to cry & working on being happy & hiding how I really feel. I don't know if people can tell that I'm sad. I hope they can't tell that I am ready to cry at any second. Last Thursday was like this, so maybe its a Thursday thing. I am only waiting on one book, which I need to do homework for that class on Wednesday! I've been trying to do the homework in my other classes too & it seems like what the professors talk about for an hour & 15 mintues has nothing to do with the assignments!! I hope it gets better because I don't want to fail these classes with only 2 semesters left! I just feel so behind in my major & I don't even like the stuff that deals with my major! I am certain I will not get the stat minor. It's too much! So I need to look for other classes for next semester.

Sadness

So I'm still really sad & upset about the break up. The pain just seems to grow. Some days I can push it away, but others it just takes over. Yesterday Jeff asked about me & Gary. I told him that we are not getting back together anytime soon if ever. Saying the words out loud made it even more real & heart breaking. Just went I think I'm doing better something happens & I'm back where I started. I still have very strong feelings for Gary & they are not dieing down or going away. Every day I feel like I'm getting more of myself back, and that is good. But I still long for Gary to hold me & tell me everything is ok. Yesterday while walking home it was all I could do to not cry. When I got like 10 feet from my door I could not hold it in anymore. I cried for a while, but then I had to come back to campus. It's just still so hard! I'm trying not to cry right now. I'm at work & will be for another hour & a half. This job is so boring. Before I would hate when Gary played wow all the time, now I would give just about anything to lay in there while he plays. The only thing I want is for the feelings he had for me to return. I would do anything for that. I would do anything to keep them forever. To keep him happy. Having him gone is worse than moving here away from my family. I thought that was the worst thing I have gone through, but this is so much worse. I constantly wonder if I will ever feel like I did with Gary ever again. I try to get interested in other guys, but I can't. Gary is always in my mind. I wake up looking for him, & fall asleep wishing he was there. When I walk to class I remember him walking with me, while in class I wonder if he got up for class, or when I have gaps I remember meeting him for coffee & hot chocolate. Maybe my dad is right, I just want to be at a new school. I like Moscow & can't imagine another school I would like as much as UI. Plus I don't want to trasfer with only a year left. I'm taking Scribbles to the Vet tomorrow for shots & I'm sad that Gary will not be there. Oh boy....

On another note, my classes seem to be better. I'm taking notes by hand & avoid using my laptop if I can. Some professors have us use them in class, I wish I could just leave it home. It's so heavy. I feel like a crazy ex-girlfriend. That's all I have. Jeff wants me to go play wii tonight, but I don't know if my emotions are in line enough. It's a month until my birthday today. Usually this would start a count down & be a really happy day for me, but I just can't get into it. It makes me really sad. Birthdays are my favorite holiday & I don't even want mine to come. Memeories are a bitch!