Sissy Lala

I feel like the only time I blog is when something terrible has happened. Yet again this is the reason why I am here. October 18th Sissy died. It just brings back all the emotions of Daniel leaving me. So anyways I'll tell the story of that day. I went to work at 9. Just after I got there my dad called me. I answered and he asked what I was doing. I said working I told you I had to work today. Then he got quiet. I asked what was wrong. His voice broke, just like it did when he called me about Daniel & Spot. I walked away from the front desk knowing that this was not good news. He then told me that Sissy was hit by a car. My world froze & I started spinning. Luckily I went into a room and could sit down. I told him I would be there as soon as I could. I was crying and I'm sure not understandable. I went into Bettys office and told her I needed to go. I drove 80 and got to Raymond in 15 minutes. My dad took me to her. She was just lying there with her eyes opened. I was expecting her to be mangled and very obviously dead, but no. She looked perfect. No blood nothing. As I rested my head on her crying I swear I could feel her breathe, but she wouldn't blink. I got a blanket from the Focus and my dad handed her to me. She was so heavy. She hated being held and would get stiff, but not this time. She was heavy and limp. I put her in the car and made her comfortable. I called Ed to see if he would help me burry her with Daniel. On the drive to town I hit a crow, that's all I remember. After changing my clothes I headed out to get Ed. My dad and Alex met me at Ed's house. From there we headed up the canyon to say good bye to my favorite dog. Ed dug the hole, I tried to help, but there wasn't much room around that small hole. We found 4 rocks to place on the grave. When I picked Sissy up to put her to rest she was just as heavy but now stiff. I carried her to the hole, but I didn't want to. I wanted to just go home with her. Once I placed her in the grave I just petted her crying. Hagen asked me what was wrong. I'm just sad. Then he went back to playing with Alex. I just sat there petting her and crying for a while. Then I covered her in the blanket and started to fill in the grave. We all just stood there after looking at the rock pile. I know she will be missed by all of us. She was our reminder of Daniel. He had made her into the great dog that she was. Always loyal, faithful, and happy. Just like her daddy. When we went to leave the Explorers battery was dead. Probably because I had left the hatch open because Sissy was starting to smell. Luckily my dad had taken his truck and they went down to get jumper cables. I still want to go back and get here. I have not been back up there because I'm scared something has happened to her and that my explorer will not start again. I will never forget Sissy or Daniel. They both helped me get through tough situations. Daniel was always there when I needed help. Sissy was no different. She always made me feel safe and protected. Before Daniel died he would let me borrow Sissy when I was feeling scared. After watching the Paranormal Activity movies I was freaked out and Sissy just seemed to calm those fears. Sissy did some very crazy things. She hated strangers and some people she had met before. She was known to bite and growl. She used to have issues with Kindle, but since early Spring she has been fine around her. Sissy hated bird, cats, and pretty much any small animal and even big animals. She liked to be the dominate dog and would get into fights. She could never hold still. It was always back and forth in the truck and car. She could be a bear which consisted of standing on her back legs and walking. She would "mop" the kitchen floor multiple times a day. Just licking the whole thing. During the night she knew when I was awake and would pop her head just over the side of the bed. Scared me every time! She liked to take and hide all the toys from Scribbles. It was hard to play with Scribbles cuz Sissy would come and take the toys. When Sissy jumped on the bed with me she would scoot as close to me as she could. She always wanted her butt scratched. If you where touching her some how she always got her ass under your hand. I will miss her so much. The last few days have been very hard and I feel like I cry at the smallest reminders of Sissy or Daniel. One day I will see them again. I can not wait for that day!

Oh life....

Over the past year and a half I have realized a lot of things. First off I never knew how much Daniel actually helped me with. I'm always thinking about calling him to come help me. It's a constant struggle to not break down in tears when I need help. Another thing I have realized is how alone I am. I can't just call Daniel whenever I want/need to. I always feel lonely. Like I am missing a part of myself. Daniel was a major rock in my life. He was always encouraging and making me want to be a better person. I always wanted to be a good example to him and show him that he can do things. When my Grandpa died last month it brought back all the memories of Daniel passing on. I've had a really hard time since my grandpas death, but not with his death just with the emotions of Daniels death all over again. My grandpa lived his life. He was 83 years old. He had a good life, got to watch his kids and grandkids grow up, but Daniel left way too soon. He was only 23. The 20th he would have been 25. He was just a baby compared to my grandpa. I miss them both so much. Both of them made me feel like I was an amazing person. They didn't even have to say to me, "Hey Zana, your amazing." I just knew that they thought I was. My grandpa loved my baking. He was always so excited when I brought something or if I didn't he would always look at me after dinner and ask what was for dessert. I really miss both of those men so much. Daniel was always telling people about my degree and that his sister was so smart. It was great to know that someone was bragging about me. My parents never really cared about boosting my self-esteem. Daniel did that for me. So now without Daniel helping me build my confidence, I feel lost. I feel like nothing I do matters. I am just floating around with not point to my life. But when I am around Kindle and Hagen I feel good again. Like I want them to be something. To do something meaningful with their life's. Hopefully by seeing me achieving personal goals they will be inspired to go out and live their dreams. While I am working on my second bachelors degree I am realizing that if I want to do anything with these pieces of paper that I am working so hard to get, I am going to have to move to get experience so I can practice in Bear Lake. A degree is a great tool to have, but I can't use it without experience. Most jobs openings I look at want the degree with so many years of experience. Having been told to look for things in 3's I have had two very bold promptings about moving, plus the need for experience has me looking at possible locations. One never knows for sure what the future holds. So hopefully in 2 years I will be done with school and have my CPA so I can be ready for experience. Eek!! So many things to think about. Anyways I have cinnamon rolls in the oven and they are starting to smell done. = )

Grandma

I have been dreading this post for a long time! My Grandma died April 26, 2011. I still cry whenever I go to her grave or see her obituary or try to write this post or even think about writing this post. I just cried when I looked at her little pamphlet thing they have at funerals. It has been 2 months & I still think about her a lot. Since I have moved back from college I have been cold towards my grandma. She said some things to me that hurt me. I didn't go see her as much as I should have. Towards the end it was hard to visit her because she didn't say much & she was sick. She was in & out of the hospital a bunch of times this year. My Grandpa called me & wanted me there when the ambulance came to take her to the hospital. I will never forget going into her room & seeing her at home for the last time. I wish I would have written this sooner so I wouldn't have to think about that last week. It was so hard seeing her so frail. I'm so glad Alex didn't go see her in the hospital. I

I'm finally HAPPY!

My first pre-assessment is tomorrow. I am a little nervous, but I know that I just need a 60% and I can take the real assessment. My life has changes so much in the past 13 months. I still can not believe Daniel is gone. My heart is still broken & I cry a lot. Mostly when Stephen is gone. The other night I had a dream that Ed was kidnapped while we where going to WinCo. It was horrible! I woke up crying & I'm sure Stephen had no idea how to help me. I dream about Daniel fairly frequently. He never says anything to me. He's just there then walks away from me. Sometimes I try to go after him, sometimes I don't. I just hope he is at peace & is safe from the demonds that haunted him here. Since my last post the only new thing is that I have went back to school. I want to get my CPA, but I need more accounting credits. So I am getting another degree in accounting. I go to WGU its all online which is very nice. I am hoping that it will only take me a year and a half to complete. Looks possible so far. I need to work harder, but I do a lot of other things like babysit here & there, & help with whatever anyone needs. For the first time in my life I feel happy. Like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Not working is great, well only working every other friday is great! I am so glad that Stephen works as hard as he does so that I am able to take this little breather & get myself together. A CPA will help me get a better job. I want to be a seasonal tax person. That way I can do things with Stephen & not feel so maxed out all the time. It feels so good to be happy! I don't get angry very often. I used to be angry all the time. Literally all the time!! Now when I get mad its not even that bad. I can control it, it doesn't consume me for days. I really do have the best husband. Stephen is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. He's just great! Well I could go on and on about how amazing he is, but I need to get to bed. = )

Waiting....

This post is pretty much exactly like my last post. I still miss Daniel so much. Everyday I hurt for him. Waiting. That is all I am doing. I wait for him to walk through the door when I'm at gpas. I wait for him to txt me about picking up Sissy. I wait for any sign that this is all just one fucked up dream. It's starting to wear down my spirit, my marrage, my job, everything. I can't take much more of this pain & loneliness. I feel like no one knows what I'm going through. Tonight I googled 'my brother committed suicide.' That kind of helped, but not really. Some of the blogs I read just made me hurt worse. Some people had been without their brother for years, 21 years for one, and they all feel the same way I do right now! It never gets easier. Some people say it will get easier with time. Fuck that! It gets worse! Just makes me even more depressed to think that I have been without my baby brother for almost 9 months! 9 fucking months without my best friend. The one person who knows exactly why I do not like my mother & who I can talk openly about that issue with. No one exept Daniel can relate to me & my childhood. Ed doesn't help me much at all. I try to tell Ed things I would have told Daniel, but he doesn't get it. He can't help the way Daniel did. Anything I needed, ANYTHING he would be right over & happily do it for or with me. I can't leave town because I don't have anyone to watch my dogs & horses. Sure Mr. Caywood or my dad could, but Daniel was happy to have something to do. Or at least me made me feel like he loved helping me & taking care of the animals. He asked me if he could ride Lulu Bell & I said, "I would prefer if you didn't." I should have said yes. I should have told him yes a lot more. I just wanted to help him grow up & be responsible. Maybe I pushed to hard or was to hard on him. I should have been there for him. I keep getting memories of things we did together. Today was the first day it snowed. I love waking up to the first snow. Not today. I keep thinking about a day in high school when it had snowed a lot during the night. Daniel & I drove around before school & messed around. It was a lot of fun. This hunting season has been so hard. I keeping thinking about how Daniel & I killed our first deer on the same day. I killed a 2 point & he killed what he thought was a doe, but it had little nubbins. I went hunting with my dad this weekend. We walked around our usual places. My favorite place is Mahogony ridge. The first time I went there Daniel & I had to sit on the edge together & watch. Another time we were walking around the ridge together & something was making noise in the trees. Behind us a bull moose came walking out of the bowl. I was scared, but I always felt better when Daniel was around. I always wanted to be strong for him & he could always make me feel safe. Anyways as we were almost back to the wheeler this same bull moose showed up again. Moose scare the crap out of me. The place we have our camp set up is where Daniel wanted his ashes. So that alone makes it hard to go there. It is the same place Stephen & I got married. That camp ground holds a lot of emotions. I just want to have him back. I would do anything to just see him again. I dream about him a lot. The last dream I was able to talk to him. When I saw him I got really excited. He was just in a crowd of people & I had to try really hard to get his attention. When I did I asked what he was doing. I can't remember his answer or any other questions. I remember him laughing. Then I told him I missed him. He just gave me a look & walked away. I have a memory of him everywhere I go. The last time I saw him was in the explorer. He needed a ride to get Kindle, but she was sick so he was scared he couldn't take care of her. I told him he just needed to hold her a little more & it would be fine. He couldn't make up his mind. As we got closer to the high school I told him he needed to make up his mind. He decided not to get her. I feel so bad. Getting that phone call from my dad was the worst thing I could have imagined. I was here when we got the phone call about Ed. He was at the hospital. My mom too forever putting her shoes on. I ran the stop signs just like Ed did when we found out my parents where at the hospital the night Alex was born. I wish I would have had the chance to go see Daniel in the hospital, to at least say good bye. After my dad called I had to call Ed, Dusty, & Jon. Jon helped me tell others. It was so hard to tell them. I didn't know how so I just said it. No sugar coating it. Alex was with me so I told her too. I tried not to, but she kept asking what was wrong. She just cried and cried. I remember holding her on the bed telling her it would be ok. But it's not ok. I live in our childhood home. Worse yet is I live in his bedroom. I've thought about switching rooms, but they all hold memories. I am scared of the basement & I have to go down there to do laundry. He would come over & help me when it was dark & I couldn't go down there. When we were kids I was scared to be in the bathroom alone. It freaked me out to walk past the basement door. He would always stand outside the door & wait for me. I remember him waiting when I was taking baths too. Just hanging out in the hall waiting for me. Now I have to wait for him. Well this blog is just going on & on. I just feel like I need to get this crap out. Nothing else is happening except the constant pain. I feel like it is breaking down my marriage too. I am not a happy person right now. No one understands. Stephen has a similar experience, but it doesn't seem to eat away at his being. Most days I just want him to go away so if something happens to me he wont be sad cuz he has already moved on. I need constant attention from him or I don't feel love. Our relationship is getting older so we don't touch or talk as much which makes me feel even worse. Like why doesn't he do this anymore or why doesn't he call me as much when he's at work. I feel like he is going to leave me too so why doesn't he just do it now. This is just the worst time in my life & there is no one there to help me. The one person I could talk to about everything is gone. I love seeing Kindle & watching her grow, but whenever she leaves I cry. Daniel didn't get to see her use the potty or learn her colors. Or see her play in the leaves on Sunday. He doesn't get to teach her how to hunt. Now there is nothing that garentees that I will get to be a part of her life. I just hope that I will always get to see her, so I can let her know how great her father was. What he meant to me. How I felt when he was around & why he felt like he had to leave us. Well my eyes are killing me from crying so much. Not that that is an uncommon feeling. So I'm going to try & sleep now.

Missing him...

I've watched Kindle a few times since Daniel left. It's very nice to get to spend time with her, but it makes me very sad. I still have lots of emotion & anger. I just don't know what to do with myself. Ugh I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to be doing this blog, but I think it will help me. I'm supposed to play volleyball, but I don't want to. I don't know anyone on my team & I don't want to deal with it. At the same time I want things to change. I want everything to be different. I don't want to be reminded of Daniel everyday & when I'm doing random things. I also love when I get a random memory of him. He was a big part of my life. Even bigger than I thought. I want to see him again. I love him. My head is hurting right now cuz I'm trying not to cry. I've cried so much. I just want him back. I want to hug him, tell him I love him. Well that's all I have the patients for.

Daniel

Wow today is the worst day ever. My baby brother is gone. I just can't believe it!!! I cry every time I say it or think it. He's the one I could always count on. Whenever I needed help he would always come over. No matter what time or what I needed. I remember calling him to come help me fill up tires, or if I was scared. After watching the Paranormal activity movies with Stephen I was so freaked out I couldn't sleep alone. When Stephen went back to work I called Daniel in the middle of the night on my first night alone & he came right over to keep me safe. He stayed for 3 nights, then he left his dog with me to keep watch. Oh I just can't believe this! Why would he be so selfish!! My last memeories of him are good ones. He had such a rough year last year, but this past week he was fine. Happy, laughing. I thought things where looking up for him. Oh what happened my baby boy?!? Why you, why us?!?! I really needed you in my life. I just want an explaination. Did something push you to this? You always reached out when times got hard. Oh why didn't you call me? Why didn't I call you? What about Kindle? She needs you. We all need you! I hate seeing my dad, Alex, & Ed cry. I hate my eyes hurting. My family is hurting & I don't know what to do. I can't be at grandma's. I just keep expecting you to come out of the bedroom or come home. It is a blessing & a curse to have Sissy. She was so excited to see me yesterday morning, so I took her home thinking you would come pick her up later or I would bring her back in a day or two. She hasn't looked for you like she normally does. She seems sad, keeping coming up & putting her head on me. Didn't you think about her? Didn't you think she would be alone in the world? Just like Kindle? How could you be so selfish? Why didn't you think about me? I'm just so mad at you right now. I always will be. On those days when I know you are the only one up, like right now, & need someone to talk to, who will be there? When Stephen is gone & Jake gets out, who will help me? When Stephen's gone & I need a truck, who will help me? When I'm alone & scared of strange noises, who will help me? When I need to see my little brother, where will he be? When I'm alone & watching stupid chich flicks, who will pop in & watch them with me & not complain? Who will explain to me what's happening in Dance Moms? I know you will always be around me. I already feel you, but it's not the same. I want to smell you & tell you to stop killing yourself. I can't believe you did this to me. To us. You have broken my heart. It's so much worst then when Gary did it. Oh Daniel. I needed you, we all needed you. You where not a peice of shit, you where my brother, my first best friend. The only one I could truly count on at anytime. I figured you where strong enough to make it through this, but maybe Grandma needed you to help her through her time away from Grandpa. I know I failed you. I should have called you on Thursday when I was trying to make Jake a kennel he would stay in. I should have called you yesterday morning. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. It's all in the past & I can't change it, but I would give anything to have you back. To have talked you through this. To have held you & told you it will all be ok. Heart ache does get better with time. I should have told you that & held your hand. I should have supported you more, given you more of my time. I keep seeing you. Seeing those weird things you used to do. Answering the phone in those crazy voices. Doing stupid stuff to make me laugh. You where crazy, but you where my brother & I love you. Oh I hurt so bad. I need you Daniel. Didn't you know!! I keep thinking about the things I need help with. Lulu Bell made a hole in the hay & now the tarp has split down the middle. I need to put a new one over it, but I need help. I should have called you, but I was too made & figured I would do it later. Thursday was such a bad day for me. I almost called you so many times, but I figured you where busy helping Jon or had Kindle. I know you would have made time for me. I should have made more time for you. I am so sorry I failed you. Oh Daniel I am so sorry. I miss you, I will always miss you. Come back to me if you can. What are we going to do without you? Why didn't you think of that? I'm so torn between hating you & hating myself. My heart is broken, & I hate you for doing this to me. Now I have to deal with your mother by myself. The few hours I was with her yesterday sucked. I needed you to take me away from her. No one knows how much bs she told except you. I could get through it before knowing I could tell you about it & you would tell me about your experiences too. Oh Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. I miss you & I love you. We all do. It will never go away. Good Bye Baby Brother. In your next adventure, try not to be so selfish, & do something crazy for me! I will do my best to help Kindle through life. That is my promise to you. She will know who you where, what you where like, & why I am proud to say you are my brother. Thank you for the good times & helping me through the bad times.

Confused or Tired, not sure which!

I'm feeling a lot of things right now. I feel like I should have had a different wedding. I keep looking at other peoples wedding pictures & I'm jealous that I didn't have anything like what they have. I loved my reception & wedding, it was me, but sometimes I wish it was more. I really feel like I need to cry. Not sure why. I have been crying a little everyday. For random reasons. Mostly Denise, but other things too. I can't help but think that my life is missing something exciting. I want something great to happen. I want so much right now! I want a new car, my kitchen, a laundry room, a fenced in yard, iPad, Stephen home every night, oh the list could go on for days! Wow I really need to sleep! Maybe I'll finish this later. Gotta get some wood then pass out!

Lost Life...

Wow it has been a long time since I blogged! I wish it was for better reasons, but its a sad post. Denise died. I've cried for the past few days off & on. She was such a great person. Always happy. I didn't know her as well as I would have liked to, but isnt that always the story? She is the closets person to me that has died. My Grandpa Wirth died when I was in 2nd grade. I don't remember much about him. He was always quiet. I remember seeing him & he was in the hospital bed in the living room, or he was in the hospital. The next time he was fine & gave us all hugs. Then he was gone. I remember going to the viewing. I walked up to the casket & seeing him laying there. My cousin Ben was laughing. I knew that wasn't right for him to be laughing. I remember my dad crying at the funeral & my mom made me switch her spots so she could sit by him. The next funeral I went to was a classmates. I didn't know him either. Just knew him from school. I didn't see the body. I just went cuz I was in the choir & we sang at it. My Uncle Roy died while I was in high school. He had complications with mixing his meds & alcohol. From what I hear it was not on purpose, someone gave it to him as joke & it killed him. He come up a few times in the summers when I was a kid. He had a different girlfriend every time he came up. He was nice. Helped my dad do some projects with the house. Adding the attic & with the chimney. When I was little we would go to the lake every weekend with the Kallstrom family & we would camp for a week out there with them. I would go babysit for them when they needed me. I remember I was babysitting for them when it was new years 2000. I was nervous because of all the Y2K things. Like the power was going to go out & all that. Nothing happened! lol I remember babysitting another time & I was making dinner. I had Kataya helping me stir the noodles. I talked to her about not touching the hot stove. I moved the pan to dump the noodle in the stainer. I turned to get her down & she put her hand on the burner. I was scared I was going to get into trouble. I put her hand in water & called Denise. She didn't get mad! She just said that I did the right thing getting it into water. She stopped by & checked on it. She was glad that I knew what to do & went back out. I felt bad that I let them down, but I was happy that I knew what to do. Denise & Jeff came to my reception. They even came a day early! lol I am so happy they came! Stephens family out numbered mine by a lot & I felt happy that they took the time to come. It's still hard for me to believe she is gone. She was always so happy & willing to help. I know she tried to help my grandma manage her diabetic issues. I've been preparing myself for my grandma passing away, but I didn't think anyone else would be going so soon. My grandma has pancreas cancer. The doctors gave her a few years to live. The cancer is staying the same & they cant do surgery. I just hope Denise is happy where she is now. If there is a life after death I'm sure she is happy to be reunited with her son & father, but we will miss her here. I feel so bad for her girls. She was a great mother & now they have to face the world alone. Life is hard without a mother. I can only image what it is like to lose a mother, especially one that loved you & wanted the best for you. RIP Denise. You will be missed!

Life has been going good for me besides this last week. I can't believe I haven't wrote in a long time! The wedding was really basic & fast. I liked it. Wish it was a little different, but its all done & it was good. I just keep thinking about the woman Denise was & what I want to be. She will always be an example to me. I wish I had mother like her. I know this is hitting Nancy hard. My heart hurts for her. 49. Way too young to be gone! The other day I was asking Alex what she was going to do with her money. I said she should put it in the bank cuz college is getting expensive. My smart, wanting the best for her kids, said then she just wont go. Like are you kidding me? Would you rather your child end up like you? Get pregnant just to keep a nigger?(thank you Chris Rock) Does she not see the struggles she went through/is going through? She is married to a man who doesn't love her & only is around because of the kids. That is not a good life for us kids or for my dad. What is she thinking? Makes me so fucking mad. Sometimes I just want to punch her, I don't though cuz I know it wont help anything. I just walk away & do my best to not come into contact with her. I hope Alex is smart enough to see that life is not over after high school. I love the campaign about going on after high school. I would love to see Alex be a doctor. She is smart enough & with some encouragement she can make it. If I would have had a stronger push for college & more support I might have done better & went on for a masters. Had I picked a better major I would have done lots better too! I love her so much! I would hate to see her talent crushed by her mother. I will do my best to support her in whatever life throws at her. I want her to know that she can do whatever she wants. She is so smart & beautiful that she can do whatever she wants. I just have to keep her from listening to her mother. I just hate that I have to fight to get her to understand her potential & that the world is full of amazing things. This is just making me mad. I better go clean.

I really don't like this! I thought planning a wedding was supposed to be the best part about being a girl!?! I hate it. I just want this shit to be over with so I don't have to deal with it anymore. I feel so stressed out. I was getting really into it then we had an issue over the weekend & I don't like it even more than I didn't like it before the issue. I can't even cry about it anymore. I'm done with it. I'm ready to bag the whole reception shit & just get married & not have to deal with decorations or a freaking breakfast/lunch before the reception. AHHHHH!! I would rather be in finals week! Oh man there is so much I want to get out right now, but I know it's not a good idea, which makes it even worse!

I'm engaged!!!

So I got my ring on Saturday. It's getting sized again. I should have it by the 23rd when Stephen gets back from work. I'm not excited for the whole wedding issue. I'm just ready for it to be over. There are so many other things I would rather do. It makes me feel like a failure as a girl, but its just not me. I never was a girl who always thought about their wedding & planned it for years. Oh well. It's not like I have to do something extreme or have tons of people there. We are going to have 2 people each there. Well I just had to get that out!

Gmas house is gone. = (

My back is killing me! It has been "out" since January, but I woke up on Thursday and it was way out! It hurts to sit too long & if I don't wiggle much it really hurts when I do! I just hope it goes away soon! Ed stepped on it last night & it felt a little better today. Last time he did if for me it felt good for a while. Not 100% though. It just soo annoying! We had volleyball tournaments on Saturday. We finally won a game! It was great, but then we lost the next 2. I enjoyed myself. Too bad its over! Bowling is over too. I got most improved bowler. My average went up by 15 pins! So that's really good. That's about all the excitement in my life.

We finally got the middle room cleaned up! I have my sewing machine set up in there & started my quilt. It's fun! I really enjoy it. We have decided to paint the room blue. Light blue on the top and then a rail with the bottom blue stripes. In my mind it looks great! I can not wait for it to be done! I always think about ton's of things to blog about but I can't think of any now. Oh yeah, they tore down grandma's house today. I thought I could handle seeing it gone, but it was hard seeing the pile of crap where the house used to stand. Very sad. I cried all the way home. Then I took Scribbles for a walk/jog and it helped me deal with it.

Wow I suck at blogging! Things are going really well. The job is super boring. I applied for another job in the hospital yesterday, but I'm not to optimistic about getting it. Who knows though! Kindle was born on the 6th at 12:30ish am. She weighted 7lbs 9oz and 19.5" long. She is the cutest baby! I spent the afternoon with them yesterday & will be today too. Kindra is alone & likes to have someone there. I enjoy spending time with them. It's perdy laid back.

Step is in TX for 2 weeks. He has been gone for a week now, so 1 left! When he gets back he will have a week off! I hope we can get some painting and yard work done. I really miss him! I sleep better with him gone though! No one to poke me & wiggle all night long! Scribbles gets annoying, she likes to snuggle into me. It's like she is cold after being shaved! lol! I like her better shaved. She is too cute!

I have been taking care of Walt's animals. It's not hard work. Just a check in the morning before work then I feed them after work. They are cute. One of the goats can jump fences! Its crazy! What else has been going on. I don't like to say I'm on a diet. Cuz I'm not, I'm just changing my eating habits. It's going really well. I feel healthier & have not got sick since like November! I think taking vitamin E & C help a lot too! I thought I had more to say, but I guess I don't. My life is just not very exciting right now I guess. I just work, clean on Wednesdays and the weekends when I'm not at the motel.

A Healthier Me!

The new job is still going really well. I like the people & the job is very basic. It's a place to start! So I have started a diet. I've been feeling the water for the past few weeks. I feel like it is going well. I don't want to hit it hard core at first, I'm easing into. Which is the right way to go about it, or so I have read, for a life long change. Not just a quick fix. I haven't lost any weight yet. I'm just working on getting my eating under control, which is going well! I'm very pleased with myself, but I still have work to do! I'm drinking water when I feel like I need a snack. I avoid buying sweet things that way they are not around when I'm craving them. My next step is buying better foods. While doing that I'm going to start exercising. We have a bike which I plan on doing after work for 20-30 minutes. When it warms up I will start taking Scribbles for walks and going to the track. I'm excited for this! I'm going slow & hopefully making life long changes! I'm scared of the heart problems & diabetes that runs in my family. Being healthier will help me fend off those threats! I don't think I have any other exciting things going on.

Things that Shine!

So I found the perfect ring!! It was so super nice! I'm in love with it & I want to buy it for myself. Maybe I should back up a little. Stephen & I went to Pocky on Wed. While we were waiting for the Verizon guy to get done with another customer we roamed the mall. Ended up in a jewelery store & I got to try on rings!! It was great! I found on that I just had to keep going back to after trying on several others! It was pretty, kind of simple, and just over all amazing! I really really want it & I hope that is the one Stephen picks out. I don't think I can settle for any other one!! Stephen tried on some too so now I know what he wants. I wish we would have been sized, but oh well. It's such an amazing feeling to find that one person that you should be with. I feel like I have a purpose now, and that's to make him happy. Even though I probably cause him more stress with my grouchiness and my having to have things my way and my need to have things done a certain way, but he loves me all the same! He is staying at Pine Creek for a few days & I hate it! I want him to be home all the time! Him being gone for 2 years is going to kill me! I really don't know what to expect except a lot of missing him & loneliness. I did it for 4 years while in college & missing my family so I'm sure I can handle the 2 years. I don't know why I stayed with Gary as long as I did. He never made me feel this way. He always made me angry & just over all unhappy. I would go through that 50 more times if I had to in order to find Stephen. He is just about as great as that ring! lol.

I started my new job on Monday. It was so freaking hot the first day I almost passed out a few time! Bonnie keeps the temp around 80*! I'm not even joking! I've been wearing skirts & it feels a lot better. I perdy much just file papers all day. It's basic, but keeps me busy. The grandparents are moved into their new house. It is a nice house. It's not the old one, but it will be ok. Well I better get back to work. I'm at Super 8 still for weekends.

Worst Experience Ever & some other stuff

Alex, Stephen, Jon, and I went bowling on Friday night. Alex was running and then throwing the ball. I should have told her to slow down or warn her about how slick it is after the bold line, but I didn't. She was having fun. Then she fell onto the waxed area. She got up & walked back to her chair. I noticed she was setting oddly and I quickly went to her side. She was stiff. I pulled her onto my lap. She was stiff and shaking. Telling me in gasps that she couldn't breath. It took all of my will power to keep from crying, but I held strong. I told her it would be ok, she just needed to relax. I then made her breath with me. Together we sat their just breathing. Me doing it with ease and her stuggling. If she had not walked to her chair on her own I would have thought she was paralized. She was not moving just stiff & looked so scared. I will never forget that. She was so white too. She never cried though. She even finished her frame. I love Alex so much. It breaks my heart that I will be moving away from her again.

I went to the Dr. a few weeks ago. I have a sore that I brought to her attention. She had no idea what it was. It has been there since my cervix was frozen, which she thought was very unusual. I was put on antibiotics, which I finished a few days ago, but the sore is still there. I am very nervous. I would love to have my girl parts taken out so I don't have to worry about abnormal paps or other uncomfortable issues like the sore. It makes me angry and scared to think that I may not be able to have my own Alex. At the same time it is sort of a relief. I have never been like other girls and wanting kids and a husband. I still don't want the kids, but I want the husband. Stephen & I have set a date. It's 3 years away and his mom and aunts are not too impressed. But oh well its my life & I do what I want! Our families are the same but different. Like his mother pushing marriage, and my dad telling Stephen to never get married. I think its funny. I love him so much! It just grows everyday too. I feel like I can't get enough of him. I miss him while I'm at work or anytime I'm away from him. I'm not waiting for it to get better, I'm waiting to see what tomorrow with him is ganna bring. He is definately the man for me. We get alone with ease and don't fight hardly at all. Only over his smoking. We like to go to stores and just roam around and dream. It is so much fun! I really love it! I am excited for Boise too. I just wish I could get a job there and know for sure that we got the appartment. I'm anxious. Oh well everything comes out in the end! Well that's all I have!

Boise....

Stephen & I are planning on moving to Boise sometime really soon! I am excited & really nervous. I feel like I just got home & don't really want to move, but I'm going no where fast! Stephen found a college there that has the program he needs to take over his dad's shop. All we are waiting on are jobs, housing, & him to be accepted. I think finding a job there will be tons easier than it has been here. I just hope things work out! The apartments we have seen online are very reasonable, which makes me very happy! I am also really excited to live alone with Stephen. Just me & him. Jon came home this weekend, well for one day! It just threw us off. We are not used to him being here. It was nice, just different. I am also excited to have more socializing potential. Here I feel like I don't have anyone I can just call & say hey I'm bored lets do something! Mar is here which is great, but she has a family. I still have some play left in me & I want to use it before its gone! LOL I'm also sick of working all night! I have 3 night shifts this week. It just sucks! I am there now & we only have 9 rooms out so I have almost nothing to do except dink around on the internet & apply for jobs/look for apartments. I really hope things work out. I'm sure they will. I really like that Stephen doesn't want to just sit around. He hasn't had a job since August & I can tell that bugs him. He has been getting lots of wood lately. I think its to keep himself busy. Boise will be a fun adventure for us. Plus it is closer than Moscow!!

Scribbles liked this fallen tree for some reason. She even laid down when Stephen went to cut it!


Alex, Scribbles, & I where witches for Halloween!!

Update!

Wow it has been forever since I blogged on here! I have been using myspace a lot. Not sure why. I guess probably because I am on there more than I am on here. I also like to use this one for more personal stuff. Not as much traffic here. Or so I think! lol I have an interview on Tuesday for a bank teller position in Soda. I'm not to thrilled about driving to Soda 5 days a week & putting those miles on the Focus, but its the job I want & need! Hopefully it works out!

I love Stephen! He is really a great guy! He moved in with me just after my birthday. It's going really fast, but it feels really good! My family gets along really well with him & he is always there to help me & them. We went & helped my dad pack out his moose today. With a second thought he was ready to go. I love that about him. He never thinks twice about helping people. I also love that he puts up with my grouchiness. I kicked him off the couch today while I was napping before I had to work all night. I don't like my sleep being messed with. He was right there when it was time for me to wake up though. Just like nothing had happened! There are so many things about him that I really like. Like his hunting ability. Even though he takes me to the dumbest places to find deer. I swear I have seen more fucking sage brush this year than I have in my whole life! I prefer trees! Needless to say, I didn't shoot anything! Passed up a lot of 2 points, which I'm fine with. I hope we get good jobs soon so we can starting remodeling & buying my house. I also hope Ed gets one too so he can afford to move out. There are tons of things I love about Stephen but I can't think of them. Oh he gets wood for the house & he kills things so we can eat! lol He also trades me cars when I need the truck. I also like that I don't have the "it will get better" feeling. I feel like things are great how they are, & if they get better great, but I'm not waiting for it to get good like I was with Gary. I had the worst dream the other night! Stephen turned into Gary & was gone for days on end & then left me! I think I'm just nervous because Gary broke up with me a month after I moved in, so I'm expecting Stephen to do the same thing. Which I am sure he will not do because he is not that kind of guy. Well I don't think I have anything else to say. Just wanted to do a little update!

Dreams

I've been having lots of dreams lately. I was driving home from taking Ed some dinner when my mother called & we had a cow out. So I turned around. When I got there the calf was standing in the driveway. I got out of the car thinking it would be easy all I would have to do is open the gate & heard him in. Then the calf went down the fence & walked right into the field through the fence! It was easy! lol That night I had a night mare about cows! I used to have them all the time as a kid, but haven't had one for a long while. I've also had a dream that kind of embarrasses me. When we are in Vegas me & Stephen decide to get married, cuz people go to Vegas to get drunk or to get married quick. & I'm not going there to drink lol! Last night I had a dream about mice. They where all over! I had to keep getting Scribbles to chase them! I didn't like her killing them, but I didn't want them in my house. I think the mice are my minds interpretation of the spiders in my room.

I love dreaming! It like an adventure & my mind goes crazy & anything can happen! Alex stayed the night last night & I kept waking up thinking Stephen was there. I would go to snuggle into him & realize it was Alex. She likes to flop around too! I kept waking up with her arm on top of me or she would have me pushed to the edge. Sometimes she is hard to sleep with! She also likes to snore in my ear just like Stephen does. They both are enough to drive me crazy, but I love them all the same. Hmm I don't really have much else to update about. Alex & I are dressed the same today.

Alone

Stephen left this morning for 2 weeks! I only got to see him for like 5 days this month! It blows! Oh well. We did a lot of exploring in those few days. We went to Minatonka cave which I haven't been to since elementary school. I really like that he takes me exploring. I like seeing new things & I like being being with Stephen so it works out great! After the cave we went to Bear Lake West for some cocktails then met my dad, Ed, & Ronda at North Beach & went out on the boat. I drank a little too much. My dad asked me the next day if he needs to bring me my own 12 pack next time! lol That was the first time I drank around my family & it was fun! I threw Scribbles off the boat a few times. She was not too impressed, but it was funny. Her eyes get huge! What else did we do. We went to IF & got him some stuff for AK. I got sick for like 1.5 weeks & missed a lot of work. Went to the Dr & I have sinus infections. Now I'm on antibiotics. Hmm what else. Oh my dad took the water banana out on Saturday! It was soo much fun! We tipped over once & I fell on Ed then Thomas fell on me. It hurt so bad! My arm got hurt, my head was throbbing, and my right shoulder/chest was hurt. The pain only lasted a few days. I still have some bruising, but it was fun! On Sunday I woke up at 3am to pick up Stephen from the airport. I was sacred I would get lost in SLC, but I had no problems! Plus where I left early I could drive as fast as I wanted & made the trip really fast. So I was at the airport an hour & a half early.

Next month we are going to the Grand Canyon, Colorado, & Las Vegas!! I'm super excited! I don't know if I'm more excited for the trip or that I'll be with Stephen for days strait! He's great! I feel like I can not get enough of him! We've done the love you thing a few times, but nothing consistent. Which I like! I don't feel any pressure. The only thing I'm not liking is work schedule, but it's nice to have alone time. 2 weeks is a little too much alone time. The money is good & he seems to like it so oh well. If I could just get a good job then we would be making bank. Oh well time will tell...

Jon has been gone for what seems like forever! I feel like I live alone. I'm glad I have Scribbles to keep me company. I've been finding at least one spider a day! It's gross & freaks me out! They are always in my room too! Makes me want to sleep on the couch all the time, but I don't sleep as good there. Well it's time for bed.