Worst Experience Ever & some other stuff

Alex, Stephen, Jon, and I went bowling on Friday night. Alex was running and then throwing the ball. I should have told her to slow down or warn her about how slick it is after the bold line, but I didn't. She was having fun. Then she fell onto the waxed area. She got up & walked back to her chair. I noticed she was setting oddly and I quickly went to her side. She was stiff. I pulled her onto my lap. She was stiff and shaking. Telling me in gasps that she couldn't breath. It took all of my will power to keep from crying, but I held strong. I told her it would be ok, she just needed to relax. I then made her breath with me. Together we sat their just breathing. Me doing it with ease and her stuggling. If she had not walked to her chair on her own I would have thought she was paralized. She was not moving just stiff & looked so scared. I will never forget that. She was so white too. She never cried though. She even finished her frame. I love Alex so much. It breaks my heart that I will be moving away from her again.

I went to the Dr. a few weeks ago. I have a sore that I brought to her attention. She had no idea what it was. It has been there since my cervix was frozen, which she thought was very unusual. I was put on antibiotics, which I finished a few days ago, but the sore is still there. I am very nervous. I would love to have my girl parts taken out so I don't have to worry about abnormal paps or other uncomfortable issues like the sore. It makes me angry and scared to think that I may not be able to have my own Alex. At the same time it is sort of a relief. I have never been like other girls and wanting kids and a husband. I still don't want the kids, but I want the husband. Stephen & I have set a date. It's 3 years away and his mom and aunts are not too impressed. But oh well its my life & I do what I want! Our families are the same but different. Like his mother pushing marriage, and my dad telling Stephen to never get married. I think its funny. I love him so much! It just grows everyday too. I feel like I can't get enough of him. I miss him while I'm at work or anytime I'm away from him. I'm not waiting for it to get better, I'm waiting to see what tomorrow with him is ganna bring. He is definately the man for me. We get alone with ease and don't fight hardly at all. Only over his smoking. We like to go to stores and just roam around and dream. It is so much fun! I really love it! I am excited for Boise too. I just wish I could get a job there and know for sure that we got the appartment. I'm anxious. Oh well everything comes out in the end! Well that's all I have!

Boise....

Stephen & I are planning on moving to Boise sometime really soon! I am excited & really nervous. I feel like I just got home & don't really want to move, but I'm going no where fast! Stephen found a college there that has the program he needs to take over his dad's shop. All we are waiting on are jobs, housing, & him to be accepted. I think finding a job there will be tons easier than it has been here. I just hope things work out! The apartments we have seen online are very reasonable, which makes me very happy! I am also really excited to live alone with Stephen. Just me & him. Jon came home this weekend, well for one day! It just threw us off. We are not used to him being here. It was nice, just different. I am also excited to have more socializing potential. Here I feel like I don't have anyone I can just call & say hey I'm bored lets do something! Mar is here which is great, but she has a family. I still have some play left in me & I want to use it before its gone! LOL I'm also sick of working all night! I have 3 night shifts this week. It just sucks! I am there now & we only have 9 rooms out so I have almost nothing to do except dink around on the internet & apply for jobs/look for apartments. I really hope things work out. I'm sure they will. I really like that Stephen doesn't want to just sit around. He hasn't had a job since August & I can tell that bugs him. He has been getting lots of wood lately. I think its to keep himself busy. Boise will be a fun adventure for us. Plus it is closer than Moscow!!

Scribbles liked this fallen tree for some reason. She even laid down when Stephen went to cut it!


Alex, Scribbles, & I where witches for Halloween!!

Update!

Wow it has been forever since I blogged on here! I have been using myspace a lot. Not sure why. I guess probably because I am on there more than I am on here. I also like to use this one for more personal stuff. Not as much traffic here. Or so I think! lol I have an interview on Tuesday for a bank teller position in Soda. I'm not to thrilled about driving to Soda 5 days a week & putting those miles on the Focus, but its the job I want & need! Hopefully it works out!

I love Stephen! He is really a great guy! He moved in with me just after my birthday. It's going really fast, but it feels really good! My family gets along really well with him & he is always there to help me & them. We went & helped my dad pack out his moose today. With a second thought he was ready to go. I love that about him. He never thinks twice about helping people. I also love that he puts up with my grouchiness. I kicked him off the couch today while I was napping before I had to work all night. I don't like my sleep being messed with. He was right there when it was time for me to wake up though. Just like nothing had happened! There are so many things about him that I really like. Like his hunting ability. Even though he takes me to the dumbest places to find deer. I swear I have seen more fucking sage brush this year than I have in my whole life! I prefer trees! Needless to say, I didn't shoot anything! Passed up a lot of 2 points, which I'm fine with. I hope we get good jobs soon so we can starting remodeling & buying my house. I also hope Ed gets one too so he can afford to move out. There are tons of things I love about Stephen but I can't think of them. Oh he gets wood for the house & he kills things so we can eat! lol He also trades me cars when I need the truck. I also like that I don't have the "it will get better" feeling. I feel like things are great how they are, & if they get better great, but I'm not waiting for it to get good like I was with Gary. I had the worst dream the other night! Stephen turned into Gary & was gone for days on end & then left me! I think I'm just nervous because Gary broke up with me a month after I moved in, so I'm expecting Stephen to do the same thing. Which I am sure he will not do because he is not that kind of guy. Well I don't think I have anything else to say. Just wanted to do a little update!

Dreams

I've been having lots of dreams lately. I was driving home from taking Ed some dinner when my mother called & we had a cow out. So I turned around. When I got there the calf was standing in the driveway. I got out of the car thinking it would be easy all I would have to do is open the gate & heard him in. Then the calf went down the fence & walked right into the field through the fence! It was easy! lol That night I had a night mare about cows! I used to have them all the time as a kid, but haven't had one for a long while. I've also had a dream that kind of embarrasses me. When we are in Vegas me & Stephen decide to get married, cuz people go to Vegas to get drunk or to get married quick. & I'm not going there to drink lol! Last night I had a dream about mice. They where all over! I had to keep getting Scribbles to chase them! I didn't like her killing them, but I didn't want them in my house. I think the mice are my minds interpretation of the spiders in my room.

I love dreaming! It like an adventure & my mind goes crazy & anything can happen! Alex stayed the night last night & I kept waking up thinking Stephen was there. I would go to snuggle into him & realize it was Alex. She likes to flop around too! I kept waking up with her arm on top of me or she would have me pushed to the edge. Sometimes she is hard to sleep with! She also likes to snore in my ear just like Stephen does. They both are enough to drive me crazy, but I love them all the same. Hmm I don't really have much else to update about. Alex & I are dressed the same today.

Alone

Stephen left this morning for 2 weeks! I only got to see him for like 5 days this month! It blows! Oh well. We did a lot of exploring in those few days. We went to Minatonka cave which I haven't been to since elementary school. I really like that he takes me exploring. I like seeing new things & I like being being with Stephen so it works out great! After the cave we went to Bear Lake West for some cocktails then met my dad, Ed, & Ronda at North Beach & went out on the boat. I drank a little too much. My dad asked me the next day if he needs to bring me my own 12 pack next time! lol That was the first time I drank around my family & it was fun! I threw Scribbles off the boat a few times. She was not too impressed, but it was funny. Her eyes get huge! What else did we do. We went to IF & got him some stuff for AK. I got sick for like 1.5 weeks & missed a lot of work. Went to the Dr & I have sinus infections. Now I'm on antibiotics. Hmm what else. Oh my dad took the water banana out on Saturday! It was soo much fun! We tipped over once & I fell on Ed then Thomas fell on me. It hurt so bad! My arm got hurt, my head was throbbing, and my right shoulder/chest was hurt. The pain only lasted a few days. I still have some bruising, but it was fun! On Sunday I woke up at 3am to pick up Stephen from the airport. I was sacred I would get lost in SLC, but I had no problems! Plus where I left early I could drive as fast as I wanted & made the trip really fast. So I was at the airport an hour & a half early.

Next month we are going to the Grand Canyon, Colorado, & Las Vegas!! I'm super excited! I don't know if I'm more excited for the trip or that I'll be with Stephen for days strait! He's great! I feel like I can not get enough of him! We've done the love you thing a few times, but nothing consistent. Which I like! I don't feel any pressure. The only thing I'm not liking is work schedule, but it's nice to have alone time. 2 weeks is a little too much alone time. The money is good & he seems to like it so oh well. If I could just get a good job then we would be making bank. Oh well time will tell...

Jon has been gone for what seems like forever! I feel like I live alone. I'm glad I have Scribbles to keep me company. I've been finding at least one spider a day! It's gross & freaks me out! They are always in my room too! Makes me want to sleep on the couch all the time, but I don't sleep as good there. Well it's time for bed.

I'm on a boat!

My dad got a new boat the other day & it's sweet! It has beds & stuff but can still go fast! I'm planning on a boat party Saturday so if your interested just let me know! It's kinda like my very late graduation party! Hopefully Betty doesn't have me working when she puts out the new schedule. Work sucks still. The head is still not catching on. The other day she comes up to me & asks "There's a light bulb out, what do I do?" Are you kidding me? You fucking change it! Later I asked her if she changed it & she said she couldn't reach the box & walked away. WTF lady?! Me & Frankie joke around about her & others all the time. I'm ganna miss her! Hmm what else.... I really really miss Stephen! 2 weeks is a long time! The first week was nice. It gave me some alone time, but this 2nd week is killing me! Good thing he will be here on Wed! Then he leaves on Sunday for AK for a week. Hopefully I will get time off in August for our Grand Canyon trip. I'm excited for it, but I have a feeling I will not get the days off. I keep thinking about Saturday!!! It's ganna be sweet. I'll probably stay the night on the boat Friday & possible Saturday night! I am soo excited! I think I'm more excited about my dads boat than he is! Or maybe I just show it more! Either way I can't wait!!! Stephen talks to me every night. I have started 1 of the conversations & he has talked to me first the rest of the time! I love it! It seems easy & fun. Which is great! The boys keep making jokes about it. It's funny but embarrassing too! Here is an example. Stephen & I showed up at Jon's house (where I live) Jon turns to Ed & says Oh look Stephens here. Do you know what he is here for? Ed says no, What? Jon says to fuck your sister. Makes me blush just thinking about it. There are other stories, but I like that one!

I am ganna fall asleep! I did laundry yesterday morning then came back at 11pm. I get off at 7am just to be back here at 7:30am. It sucks! I don't know why Betty makes me do these 16 hr days! Oh well hopefully I find a job that uses my degree soon! Well I better go set up breakfast!

Wow, BUSY!

I hardly have time to think about my life let alone make blog posts! I have a boyfriend now. I really super like him. His name is Stephen. We went camping a while ago then up to the Paris Ice Caves & Bloomington lake. Both where very pretty & a first for me. I had a great time. Then the other day we went fishing with his dad & brother at Palsades (probably spelled wrong!). I had worked all night so I slept for a while in the boat. lol Great first impression for his family I'm sure. His mom talked to me about the hospital positions I was applying for. Didn't get either one, this town does not want to hire me for anything! I got my diploma in the mail a few days ago!! Yay me! I'm working on getting a frame for it. The new head housekeeper is driving me crazy! She doesn't seem to be progressing which is frustrating when we have a full house! She was supposed to be the head today, but I was making all the decisions & running around like a crazy person! It makes me sick! I got over time! In the past 2 weeks I have worked over 90 hours! I hardly have time to breathe! Plus at just above min wage the money does not stack up. Drives me crazy, but until Stephen starts paying my bills what can a girl do? ; ) I'm living with Jon now. It's going well. I do the inside work & he does the outside. It's nice to have a clean house & be able to cook. Ed & Dan still drop by for dinner here & there which is nice. Makes me feel like I'm a good cook! I think that's really all the news I have. I feel like I run run run & at the end of the day I have done nothing! Ugh I miss Stephen. We have only been together for a short time, but he makes me really happy. I have not been this happy in I don't know how long. I love going into the wood with him or just sitting around. It's all good. I also really like that my family already knows & likes him so I don't have to worry about that. Another thing that makes me like him is that he is not stuck to this valley. I really like it here, but I don't have to be here. He is the same way. He would move for a better life. He has also been out in the world. He has not just stayed here. I wish he had a college education, but he has knowledge. That's good. He's a very nice change of pace. I would describe him as the nice cool glass of water you crave after you've been drinking lemonade. Sure lemonade is good, but nothing beats a glass of water. That's probably really corny, but it makes sense to me!

An update, its been a while!

2 June 2009
Wow it has been an adventure moving back to BL. Some bad & some good. On the trip back to Moscow with Mar for my last load of stuff it took about 12 hours to get there & 13 hours back to BL. We made a bunch of stops. On the way home we stopped & talked to my Aunt Martha & Ryan for about 2 hours then we stopped in Twin Falls to have lunch at the falls. It was fun, but long! It has taken me many, many hours to get this house looking semi presentable. It’s cleaner now than it has ever been! Ed got mad & threw a huge fit the end of Mayish. He just snapped & started throwing shit. He threw my tot across the room then a clothes dryer thing. It hit my arm & gave me a cut. It didn’t bleed, but I might get a scare from it. I’m not very impressed. Ed did apologize & has been very helpful since, so its all good in the hood.
I went on a date with Stephen Friday the 29th. We then went to SLC on Sunday with Alex. Oh on that Thursday we went to a graduation party for some of the high school kids & Stephen thought it would be a good idea to throw some old light poles or something into the fire. Yeah cut his finger open & I went with him to the hospital to get stitches. It was great fun. We then went to another graduation party up Mill Canyon after the stitches. It ruined my buzz. Group of people I didn’t care to be around. On our date on Friday we went to Logan. Stephen was ganna take me to this place that had rides, but it was closed, so we went to the zoo. It was fun we just walked around & talked. When we went to SLC it was to help his cousins get through the city then we just came back. When we got back we took Alex home then went for a drive around the lake. He’s a very nice guy. I’m impressed. He’s at work now for 2 weeks! Ugh! But then he get 2 off & the plan is to go to Lagoon for our second date. I am very excited for it! I love Lagoon & have not been since 8th grade! = )
Work is going good I guess. I am an assistant head housekeeper & I work the front desk. I have my first solo front desk shift on Saturday. Tomorrow I work at 7am in housekeeping then go in at 4 for more training, then again at 12 for training. It’s ganna be a busy day, but I like it that way. I’m applying for a CFO position at the hospital. It doesn’t seem likely that I will get it, but I want to try anyways. Who knows.
Hmm what else. Oh Scribbles! She does not like to stay around very well. Tonight she was out in the road. Grr… She is doing better now than she did when I first moved here, but she has some work to do. The neighbor’s dog attached her once, have not seen the dog since. If he/she does it again I will call the cops. It is nice to have her around. She makes me feel better. I can always play with her. I do feel bad that she has to be locked up a lot cuz I’m busy. I was letting her run around my room but she kept getting into shit. One day she ripped open a few bag I had laying around & opened a box of Alex’s toothpaste, another day she shredded a roll of toilet paper. So now she gets locked in the kennel. Poor puppy, but she needs to be good. She is getting fixed on Tuesday. I’m taking her & Sissy to Soda to get it done. I hope everything goes ok. I’m attached to both dogs. They are so funny when they play together. I really like Stephen. I hope things go ok there too. It’s a little weird that he is Ed’s friend, but at the same time it’s not. I don’t have to worry about my family getting along with him. Ed has already used the line “He was my friend first.” Ed always tells these out landish stories. I do it too, but not to the extreme that he does. He tried to tell me the other day that the drawer under the stove was the broiler. I was like Um no. He is really good at it too. I never can tell, luckily I’m getting used to it.


Since the 2nd not much has happened. I'm working my first solo shift right now & its all coming back fairly easily. Which is very nice. My grandma went to the hospital last night. She was having trouble breathing, but they didn't find anything wrong. She is a diabetic & ate a bunch of chocolate cake so that's probably what was causing the problems. I love my grandma, but she needs to smarten up about her health. My mother of course went into a frenzy about her going to the hospital. She is driving me bat shit crazy! Well I'm not very into typing right now. So I'll write more later!

Stressed out Tongue

So this is what my tongue looks like! It hurts so bad! I can hardly move my tongue with out pain. I took this pic after I scrubbed the shit out of it with my tooth brush, held salt on it, and used mouth wash. Hopefully a few days of that treatment will make it go away. It typically works, but ya never know. I hope it doesn't grow anymore, its already huge. I used to get these fairly frequently, but not recently. This is my first one this year, I think. They usually come from stress. It tastes like metal when they first start growing, but now it just makes my mouth water nonstop.



I got flowers from my Macy's peeps! They are so pretty! I'm not a big fan of getting cut flowers, but these one are very pretty! I love them! I like to get potted plants so I can keep them longer. Hopefully this summer I will have a garden. I know my dad has got some peppers & probably tomatoes for it, but I want a big one like I had back in the day.

I need to go to the library & study today. I don't really want to, but I need to get at least D's on my finals! A would be best, but I'm not picky! lol I'm ganna go make some grilled cheese & turkey sandwiches & hopefully I will be able to eat them.

Don't Waste Your Time on Me, Your Already a Voice Inside My Head

Here is Scribbles sleeping in Thunder Jim. She is the cutest dog ever!

I love getting up early! I got up at 4:45am today. I thought it was ganna suck, but I just woke up & got going. Plus there was no one around at 5:30 when I was walking to campus. It was quiet & calm. Kinda like me = ) But it was all useless today. I got to Kappa Delta & the thought of shit I hope I have my vandal card hit me. Too late to turn back, so I just said 'let us pray' & kept going. Sure enough my card was not on me! Fuck! Can't get into the Rec without it! So I guess I get to fail step & sculpt. Which excites me to not end! I'm hoping to talk with my instructor about it before class. It just sucks that this is the last week of school! I might have to sleep Food Sci on friday to make it up. Ugh! Oh well I had a great morning! I was pissed for like 2 minutes, but its a great day. If you count rain as a great day, but its very pretty (again like me = )). Plus I'm just chillin in the fish bowl listening to music. Should be doing homework, but fuck that shit! So I had another group freak out. I don't know what it is about this semester, but groups blow! This guy has been making the trades for our team. Guess that does not make him happy. I've been too busy to get the chance to figure out the program, plus I have no motivation to do it. Oops. I'm not sure if we are meeting or not. I've been emailing them. I opened some space up this morning, I'll have to be late at Macy's, but I need these points! Ugh.. I don't want to think about it.

On a side note Blink 182 is quickly becoming my favorite band! I never really thought about them before. I've liked their music, but recently I can't get enough! I really really really need to update my iPod. I have some places to get music, but my connector cable thing is packed away somewhere. Probably in BL, so when I get to it I'll have freaking dial up! I guess I could put the music on my computer now & transfer later! I'm a freaking genius!

Mar told me last night that a girl from my town, a few years older than me, had her husband die this past weekend. Just out of the blue gone & they don't know why. She has a 4 month old baby too! I can't imagine what that feels like. Having someone leave you is different from having someone be taken away. I'm still undecided on the whole after life thing, but still until death there is life alone. This brings me to my next point, love is useless. Sure its great, amazing, wonderful, & all that, but it can be gone in a moment. (Side note:I just saw a lady give her computer the thumbs up, odd) You have no control over when it come or when it goes. Family is the only thing that's constant. At least for me its the only constant. Even I don't stay constant. What I want, what I need changes so frequently I can hardly keep up with myself! Life is so short that I don't want to waste it being alone, but its also too short to live with pain. I can not wait to be back with my family! I'm super stoked! Alex is so freaking cute & I don't want to miss out on anything else! I want to take her to school, I want to watch her grow, I want to help her grow. There are so many things I missed out on as a child that I want her to experience. I don't want her to live out my childhood dreams by any means, I just want her to take chances. Explore her world. I wish I would have taken dancing lessons as a child. Her thing is cheerleading. Who the fuck knows why, but its her choice. I want her to do things like that. I would also like her to take piano. Don't know how I'm ganna make that happen, but I'll do my best!

I am starting to have doubts about moving back. I know its just cold feet, but I'm nervous all the same. I don't want to get stuck in some useless job. I still want to do something with my life. I don't want to be famous, but I want to have a purpose. A part of me wants to just be a stay at home wife, but I would not be satisfied by that. I like kids & we get along, but I don't want to be a baby maker. I don't want my purpose in life to be to have children. I want to go to work, wear cute girly suits, and crunch numbers or manage people or something. I also want to work somewhere that I dress up for work. I don't want to become humdrum. I don't want to be that lady that gets married & turns into a man. My mom was a cute enough girl, but look now. I know she smokes & does not take care of herself, but still I don't want that to happen to me. She is my motivation to treat myself better. I'm so glad Alex has me for girl stuff. I wish I would have had me when I was little! Being a tom boy wasn't bad, but I like girl stuff! Wow this blog is way longer than I had planned. (Side note: Same lady just gave her computer the hands in the air what sign. Similar to what I do when someone pisses me off while driving. What a weirdo. She does look familiar though...) Well I don't really know what else I need to get out. Oh I got a kitchen aid! It's purple! I wrote about it on myspace. I'm so excited to use it! I can not wait!! I showed it to Claudine last night & we had a good talk about it. She has one too & loves it! I'm so glad no one has said, Zana this is the worst thing you could have ever done with your money! It was not an impulse buy, but it was still a huge purchase! I'm glad I did it though & I'm sure in 30 years I will feel the same way! Well I'm ganna go dink around on the internet for another 15-20 minutes then go to class.

Premarital Sex

I'm feeling like ranting about premarital sex & young marriage. Tonight I had a conversation with my BFF & cousin. I told her I was jealous of her kids & family. She said she was jealous of my being able to do whatever I want. If I had to chose between my current life & a family life. I would stay with what I have. I love kids & the thought of marriage, but I'm 22! I still have a lot of things to explore! If I would have waited to have sex until marriage I would not be happy with my life. I would feel like I was missing out on the "party life". I have wanted to have sex since I can remember! This blog is going to be very personal so I hope your ready! The second boy I kissed I went "all the way" with. I'm not ashamed of this. It's life, it's what I wanted. I would not change it. I don't even think I would change the guy, well maybe... Anyways... Now I'm lost.... Oh premarital sex. What's the deal with it anyways? Sex is natural & what humans are supposed to do. It feels so good & bring so much more into life! The emotion & raw connection is unlike anything else! Even with everything that has happened to me from sex I would not go back. I would protect myself better. I would not let the words "I love you" effect my safety & the way I protect myself. Being a virgin to me is soo old school & even in the olden days there where still people romping around. Here's the thing to, so I save myself for some guy who has not saved himself for me. What's the point? Great you saved yourself for a guy who is ganna give you an STD! Congrats to you! I could almost laugh in the face of a virgin, but I wouldn't. That's not who I am. I have friends that are waiting. A part of me is happy for them. They have a personal goal & they are keeping to it, but at the same time I am very sad. They are missing out on being young! This comes back to my cousins being jealous of me & my life style. The grass is always greener on the other side of the river, but I love my green grass!! Well it's actually purple but that's a minor detail in the story of my life! Sometimes religious people come up to me in Commons & want to talk, but I always say I'm busy because I don't want to get into a discussion about what I believe. I'm not even sure about what I believe & I don't want to hear about their Jesus & God. I feel that religion is different for everyone. Honestly what is God. I think he is an idea. One of my favorite movie quotes is "God is just an imaginary friend for grown-ups". That is probably one of the only movie quotes I know, besides Austin Powers of course. That quote rings true for me. Right now I don't need an imaginary friend. I have real friends who help me. I would rather have a real shoulder than air. That's just me though. Wow this blog is going the religious route. Oh well it's mine & I do what I want! So yeah this God guy. I have just recently started using an upper case G for God. That's a step in the right direction, right Jesus freaks? Ok that was mean. I just don't get it though. Why devote your life to an imaginary friend when you can devote your life to having fun or the earth or your family?

Wow I have a lot on my mind. I find myself falling for the shy really nice guys that wont touch me or the asshole who don't care. A friend just pointed out to me that both are somewhat self conscience. They don't have much confidence in who they are or what they want. I also don't understand people who change themselves for the people they are with. I can understand picking up new things from another person like new experiences & hobbies, but to change your personality. What is that? Why first off would you lie to yourself about who your are? Second why would you lie to another person about who you are? It's not fair to either party involved. Oh well. A lie is a lie, and this God knows that. He knows I have lied, he also knows that I live with it everyday. I know the lies I have told, I know the wrong things I have done & I am not ready to repent of those things. Hmm interesting I start off about premarital sex & now I'm on repenting. My mind is running. I'm thinking about taking Alex to church when I'm there. Not for my benefit, but for her. She does not know what Christmas is about or Easter or anything! She can recognize Jesus, which surprises me. I love that girl so much! I love Scribbles too! Daniel sent me a pic of her today & I have been smiling all day! The joy & pride I have is over whelming! I cannot wait to be with them! That's my God, my religion. This feeling I get, this hope I have for them, the joy & excitement I feel. This to me is religion. I don't need to be in a church or pray or read the bible. I just need my family. Sure this all goes away, but it does not take much to bring me back to what's important. Getting that pic of Scribbles reminded me about them. It gave me the drive to keep going in school. Gave me the push to do my homework. To study, to be better. Oh man! I think I'm done ranting. I just felt overwhelmed & needed to write a little! & a little note if your a fake person the only one your ganna hurt is the people you love. Hopefully you can come clean to those people & they can help you find who you truly are. I am Zana Flo Wirth & I like myself. I love who I am becoming. I am strong, stable, and I know who I want to be. I love myself. I hate some of the choices I have made, but that's in the past & I have learned from those mistakes. My family is proud of me & I am proud of myself. Oh I told Alex today that I wish I would have named her FloEtta. She laughed. She thinks the name is funny, but she also would like to have the same name as me. She makes up names for me, today she called me Zana Lynn Wirth. She cracks me up! I cannot wait to be with her! I'm ganna put a pic in now that prompted this blog!

23 Days Left!!

Yay!! I'm excited to almost be done!! Plus the weather is great! I've been leaving early for class so I can just stroll to campus & enjoy the sun! Too bad I sent most of my summer clothes home with Jon! I was not even thinking! I guess I'll just have to go shopping = ) I'm nervous though that gas prices will keep going up, so I need to keep money in the bank for gas. I do need some new flip flops/sandals. Mine are ganna break soon, I'm sure of it! I've had them for like 7 years though, so they have done their time! Ugh my work home dog is asking about my fb status. I don't like talking about my status after the fact. It just brings back what I was thinking. Ppl typically ask me about the bad ones too! Oh well. I have to get to class now though. Just wanted to make a little note of being excited for graduation! = )

I don't know what to think.....

I'm not really sure what I'm feeling right now. I did something I should not have done. I have not done it in so long & it was really good for me not to. I'm not going to say what I did. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I always feel used, stupid when I think back. It's hard to say what I'm feeling and not going into a lot of detail. Anyways now I will tell of my weekend.

On Thursday night Jon came up. I was so excited to see him! He & Mar are my favorite cousins & I feel like they are my brother & sister! I'm always happy to hear from them. Jon got here around 10, we loaded up his truck with a bunch of my stuff & then went dancing around 11. I danced a few times then went to sit with him at the bar. He tells the best stories. I am always laughing & feeling good. We also talk a little about serious stuff. Family stuff & what not. I feel like Jon knows more about me & how I feel than most people. He got out of BL & had a life. His was military & mine is college, but we both know what the world is like, I guess. He moved back & is doing very well for himself. This gives me faith that I will be just fine going back. There are still a lot of things that scare me about going back. The first is being able to find a job that will support me & give me the life that I want. I am good with money so I can be fine on whatever, but I want the best for myself & my family. I want to get Alex into college. I want her to experience things just like I have, minus the HPV & heart ache. I want to watch her grow up. The other thing that scares me is that I will be alone. I love Nancy, but I can't live like that. I need a husband or someone to be there with me. Family is great but I want/need more. My options in BL right now are looking good, but it's still very hard for me to open up. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to just be thrown to the side like I don't matter. Like I never mattered. I refuse to let that happen again. So I'm taking the route of not letting anyone get close.

On Friday night Chad called me around 11 & we went to CJ's. One of Gary's super hot friends, who I have always really liked was there. First thing he did when he saw me was start freaking with me. He is so freaking hot, I'm not even joking. It's still hard for me to comprehend that he showed an interest in me. So he asked about Gary & I. I told him that was over. He asked why & that he would not be a "messenger" I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He dropped it which was a relief! The whole time we were talking he was perdy much pressed against me, not that I'm complaining or anything, but he is married. & I don't play that game. So I walked away to find my friends who had disappeared. I found them & we went out to dance. Then the hot friend comes up & we start dancing. I would love to have him. He is so hot, but I could not get into it because of the wife thing. I have hung out with her to & she is really nice. Wow I still can not get over it! He is really hot! Anyways. We stopped dancing & Chad & I went home around 1:30.

It still makes me feel really good about myself to think back to that night! I'm ganna keep that memory for rough days! I worked on Saturday. Which was long & boring! It felt like it would never end! After work Blake was going out, so I offered my services as a DD which he took of course. I still feel like a booty call for him so I kept my distance this weekend. He is nice & I would like to see what would happen with us, but the past is there & the distance is not ganna make it worth the effort. Oh well, there are other fish in the sea. Right? He tried to get me to hang out all day today, but again I'm just not feeling social or like I want to let someone in. I just want to go home. I think I'm getting depressed. It's not good. I also feel super excited & I love thinking about the future so I know its just a little slump, not hard core depression like it was before. Well hmm. I really want to be in love again. I want to be happy. I want someone to be there. I want to freaking bake something! Lately this whole oven being broken is really hard! I just want to make something. To try new things, but no I can't! Less than a month & I will be able to! Yay!

My life right now is so confusing. Just like this entry. It starts out with me doing something stupid & having feelings of loss. Then goes to excitement about family & the future. Now at the end I'm confused about how I should feel. Oh another thing that has happened is an old friends ex boyfriend has been chatting with me recently & gave me his phone number. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Her being my friend makes it hard for me to think about liking him, but I do. Again though the distance thing come into play. Also with this guy one of his friends was a buddy of mine for a while. There are so many complications in life. Why can't I get have some sort of portal that I can go where ever I want in less than a minute. I can go home, but also go see these boys when I want to. See if they are really worth my time. Why does it matter if a friend dates another friends ex? I understand why, it just sucks! Also why does it feel like I have had sexual encounters with a lot of people? There seems to be some sort of something complicating things in my life! I know what I want right now, but what happens after I get that? After I move home, what happens next? Do I stay there & finish out my life or do I move to another random place to start over? What's ganna happen? I play the what if game way too much!

Also at work on Saturday Chad & Tyrone where talking about guns & shooting. I got involved in the conversation. People get so surprised to find out I have a gun, and not just one gun three. Then I get a million questions & a name like Killer. It's great fun! Oh well I don't like to hide who I am or what I do. Open & honest is how I live my life. Also on Saturday I worked with a girl who reads my status updates on FB & asked about my cervix. So I got to telling about having it frozen & it turns out another lady at work has had it done. She had to have a hysterectomy!! A lot of her woman parts are gone! She told me I need to keep an eye on it & keep having it checked! Are you kidding me?! I was just starting to feel good. Like ok the freezing took care of it, but no! Ugh! Another wrench in the life of Zana. I sure hope this whole freezing side effect does not last the full 3-4 weeks. It hasn't even been a week yet & I'm ready to be done! It's so annoying & uncomfortable. Not to mention a little embarrassing. It should be over soon & hopefully I will be able to keep my woman parts inside of me. I feel like I want to have kids, but I do not want the option to be taken away from me because I was stupid. Oh well the best I can do is take care of myself & keep a positive out look. I started taking B vitamin. I guess its going ok. I started on Tuesday so it has only been 6 days. I take 3 pills every morning now. I feel like a pill popper! At least they are to keep me healthy & not required for my life functions. Just there to keep me healthy & happy. I wish the happy part would happen! lol Well I'm ganna finish watching my Ann Frank movie & try to sleep! Maybe tomorrow my life will be a little less complicated.

Dr Part 5

Just got done with having my cervix frozen & I'm hurting! The procedure was not bad at all but when they took the specula thing out it felt like Velcro. Oh not good! I'm shaking, it sucks! Luckily I only have one more class that I must go to. I hope we get out early! Then I have to finish up PSet 3. Which shouldn't be too bad & I'm home free! It feels so uncomfortable in the frozen part. I'm really trying not to think about it so it will go away. Some guy just looked at me like he knows me. Weird now he is sitting by me. Interesting! I'm ganna be really wiggly in this class. I've taken 4 pain pills, which is an extreme amount for me. Hopefully they kick in soon. I keep biting my nails too. Ok I'm off to class. I'll probably write more later!
Ok so that's what I wrote like 15 minutes after the procedure of freezing my cervix for myspace. After the dr was done she was tell me what she did & from when they did the last colposcopy & biopsy to this appointment there was another spot on my cervix. That makes me really nervous. If in less than a month a new growth can appear what will stop another one from growing? I asked the dr this & she said that the freezing would take care of anything coming back. I sure hope she is right because I do not want to go through this again! I have to go back for a PAP in 6 months, which is just what I want for a b-day gift! Actually I would love to have a normal PAP for my birthday! So there's what you can get me! = ) I don't hurt anymore. Yesterday I had some pain here & there, but nothing big. I went to step & I was just fine. Although at a 5:30 meeting I almost passed out. I don't think it was from this though, but ya never know. I also feel like a 12 year old again, but I don't think details are needed on here. So no sex for 4 weeks, which is not a problem at the present time.

So what else is new... OH YEAH!! Jon is going to be here tonight to take some of my stuff to BL!!! I'm super excited to see him!! He is one of my favorite ppl!! I'm hoping to fit all of the big stuff into his truck so all I will need is fill my car & go! Oh boy!

Easter!

On holidays I like to think back to the previous year & what I was doing. I can not remember what I did last year for Easter. I looked back through my journal but all there are are entires of me being pissed. I was never happy with Gary. Why am I so upset over it? Oh well I don't want to think about that now. I asked my gma if I could have a keg at her house for my graduation party. She said "Keg?" Then she realized what it was & said it was ok if we put it over the fence into Kenny's yard! Oh grandma you crack me up! I'm still not sure if I will get a keg or not. I might just go get a few different drinks, but who knows that a ways off. So anyways this year for Easter I decided I wanted to boil some eggs. I boiled them for 10 min thinking that it would be plenty of time, but no they where still runny! I put them back into a boil & they all broke! Why can't I do simple things like boil eggs & make jell-o? Is something wrong with me? I did some hw today as well, took a 2.5 hr nap, and went for a walk. I tried to run, but my iPod is too big! I need to get one of the small clip ones. Maybe that will be my easter/graduation gift to myself. If only I had a debit card! Oh that story is fun. On Thursday night I went out with Ashton, Ayla, and Shannon who was in town for the weekend. I had a shot before I left, then like 3 at Ashtons, then 2 at this other persons house, then 2 at the bar. That's all I remember drinking anyways. That was from 8:30 to like 11. So yeah. I don't remember leaving the Corner Club & going to CJ's. I don't remember leaving CJ's. I remember thinking that I should not try to cross the highway to get home cuz I didn't want to get a ticket for being drunk in public. Guess I called some ppl. I remember Anna calling me & I told her I was at Papa Murphys when I was actually at Papa Johns. She told me that I asked her to please hurry up & she was like I don't know where you are! I think that's funny. But end of story is I woke up with just my shirt one, clothes all over my room & bathroom. I'm guessing I threw up. My eye has been red/black in the corner & hurts. I couldn't find my debit card so I canceled it. Anna called me at like 1am Friday night & said she found it in her car. Too bad I already canceled it! Now I have to wait for the new one to get to my prunts house & then for them to mail it to me! I'm also out of checks so I will have to go to the bank to get money. What a pain! I'm not a big drinker, I typically don't even drink, but some days I just want to drink & not stop! Kinda weird. I think that's as eventful as my week has been.

Blake is supposed to be here this weekend. I'm not sure how that's ganna go. I'm a little nervous. He'll probably ask for Jessica's number again & then I'll quit talking to him. End of story. Oh also when I was out on Thursday I was talking to some guy & he added me on fb. We talked a little today & I guess we are going to have coffee on Wednesday. Not so sure how I feel about it, but its good to go out. I also have a date in the making for next week. I'm more excited about that one. I'm more excited to be back home & talk with some boys in person instead of chatting! Plus I will have more time this summer to date & what not than I do now. This whole HPV thing will hopefully be over by then. I have to go to the dr on Tuesday for another colposcopy & possibly freezing if needed. Ugh it's so stressful & time consuming! I just hope I can funtion afterwards because its ganna be done between classes. I don't like the idea, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do! Well I need to go shower & sleep.

I Still Cry

There are times when sudden emotions over take me. Most of the time it's excitement about moving back 'home'. But I know I will never be home. I'll never be the same as I once was. I still feel broken & alone. I don't think moving back to BL will help me with that, but I do think it will help me figure out what I want to do with my life. It will give me a distraction from the pain. I hate that I still feel this way after 5 months alone. I hate that as much as I know it was wrong, I want it back. I don't want to be alone any more. I don't want to cry over memories. I don't want to feel broken anymore. I don't want to feel used. I just watched One Tree Hill. It always seems to makes me emotional. I can hardly see through my tears right now. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm scared to look around because I don't want to tiger something that will bring on the pain. Today at the library I saw my old neighbor. I always wondered if they could hear me cry. I don't want to think about this stuff. At the same time I want to think of all of it so I can get it out. Like maybe if I think of the memory once it will go away for good. But there are so many! Night time is the worst. I feel so alone & trapped. I can't wait to get into my own place. To be able to move around. I want a fresh start. Somewhere where I know nothing. No old things to make me sad. I wish I would never have learned how to cry. It's almost like it's my favorite thing. One of the things that makes me happiest about moving back home is the people. There will be people around me all the time. To keep me busy, keep me from being alone & scared. I hate that I took him there. That's my place, that's where I want to be safe. Where I don't have to see or think or have memories, but no. I'm ready for this to be over. Why did I let this happen? I'm smart. So many things are running through my head. Lot's of happy memories, but then there are sad ones. I wish I knew how to make this go away. There is an empty spot that I keep trying to fill, but its endless. Whatever I put in there does not seem to fill it or to even make any sort of progress. Oh well. Tomorrows another day & there are plenty of fish in the sea. Right?

Rumors

A rumor has been started about me. Kinda weird because I'm a boring person. Nothing exciting is happening in my life to start drama, but this is what BL is all about. Mar txt me today & was like so are you & Billy dating. No was my response. Then she told me about the story she was hearing about me & Billy & how I'm moving back to BL to be with him. When she told the rumor spreaders that it was not true they called her a lier & said I was in denial. Um no. First of all if I was dating ANYONE Mar would be the first person to know. Second, I am moving back to BL so I can relax & be around my peeps before my real life starts. Third, Billy is a very nice guy, we are friends, but nothing past that has been decided upon. When I am back in town we might date, we might not. Who knows. I am not in a position where I want a relationship. I just want to have fun & do what I do. So there is my excitement for the day & hopefully for the rest of the week!

Should I walk or not?

I've been thinking a lot about graduation seeings how its in like 44 days!!!! AHHH So my delema is weather I should walk or not. I am signed up to walk, but so far only my dad & Alex are for sure ganna be here for it. It's ganna be them sitting in the Kibbi Dome for 2.5 hrs watching thousands of random people walking across a stage they can only see if they watch the big screen. The announcer guy is ganna say my name wrong anyways & its ganna be super boring. I talked to my dad about it & he is good either way. I get the feeling that he wants to watch it, but I know it will be uncomfortable for him sitting on the cement benches & Alex will get bored & want to run around. I don't really want to walk. A part of me does because this is a big deal. I'm the first in my family to graduate from college & I'm proud of that, but at the same time I don't want to "flaunt" it. I guess the big driver of me not wanting to walk is that only 2 ppl will be there for me. Whats the point? I spend $50 for the dress thing, sit for 2.5 hrs to have a guy say my name wrong, & get a fake diploma. I would rather move back to BL on Thursday & have my family there when I open the letter with my diploma. I don't know I'm so confused about what to do. That's where you come into play. I don't care if you know me or not. But I would like some help with this decision. Should I walk or not? No one ever seems to reply when I ask question, but I would really like a response. Maybe if you do I'll give you a treat! Bribery is a good tactic right?

Life....

Your a bitch. End of story.

Life!

I applied for a cost analyst job at Monsanto on Friday! I'm excited, but doubtful! I didn't think I wanted to move back, but I do & my family does too! With the economy though the chances of me getting a job worth going back for is low. It's what I want though & its ganna take a lot of work to make it happen. My goal is to throw out more applications this week & month, but time is the problem. I thought I had a lot to talk about, but everything is gone now.

Oh Blake asked me to go visit him for like a week after graduation. A vacation would be nice, but I don't know what's going on with me let alone what's going on with us. Plus I don't have the time to figure it out. School & my health is taking up all of my time! I have the follow up dr appointment on Monday. I'm getting nervous. So far this has just been negatives (well positives for the tests) so I'm not sure what I should expect. I have been optimistic for this, but it turns up bad. Should I think that it is cancerous & have it come back positive? Should I be ready for that? If it does come out to be cancerous then it would be time to tell my Dad which is not something I am looking forward to. I'm already trying to decide how I should tell him Alex needs to get the vaccine for HPV. OH the things life throws at you!

Time to rant. So people like to tell me how to make decisions! I fucking hate it. I am the kind of person who tests the water many many times before I slowly get in. I don't make quick decisions. Moving back to BL will for sure cut down my growth possibilities I understand that. I know the risk I am taking on with this decision. My grandparents, I love them to death, but they always try to talk me out of things. I remember being 18 or even now & having them worry about me driving to SLC & stuff. I am like HELLO I drive 12 hours to get to you I think I can handle driving around Logan. Seriously. I love getting advice & to be given a new perspective, but I know what I'm doing. Grrr I understand that older peeps have experiences I can live by, but I want to do things on my own. I want to learn & grow. The pressure to do the right thing is killing me. Ugh

Trip to BL

I just got back from my trip to BL for Spring Break. It was perdy nice. I was sick for most of it. I had the bad cold again. It was really bad from Friday though about Wednesday, but I'm feeling ok now. I'll give ya a little play by play.

On Saturday I woke up & I was feeling like shit so I called in to work sick. I slept in then decided to drive home early. Alex called me when I was in Soda & I told her I was on my way to a friends house. I was not supposed to be home until Sunday, so I didn't want her to know I was almost there. When I got to my gparents house she told me she knew I was lying because I sounded funny. Crazy girl. Anyways so that night I stayed at my gparents with Al. I was supposed to go sledding with Ed on Sunday, but he said they weren't going. On the drive to Raymond I passed my dad, but I didn't know it was him because he was in his new truck. Don't remember what I did the rest of that day. Monday I picked Alex up from school & we had lunch together. We did that for the whole week. It was really nice to just hang out with her. I also picked her up from school everyday. Didn't really do much on Tuesday either or Wednesday. On Thursday I went with Mar to play volleyball. It was fun, but I have bruises on my arms! On Wednesday I also hung out with Jon, Dan, Billy, & Jon's new fam lol. Thursday I went to the bar with Jon & Billy. It was fun, just hung out. On friday Mar & I went to the bars then Billy drove us to the bowling alley. I suck at bowling! I also went with my dad to SLC on Friday. I slept the whole drive there & back. I slept a lot while I was there. It was very nice! Hmm I think that's perdy much a run down of my whole trip. I gave Scribbles her first haircut. I didn't do too bad. She looks a little ruff, but not horrible! I think she is the cutest puppy ever!

The drive to BL from Moscow is only about 10.5 hours when I go through Boise. It's so much better than 12 hours when I go though MT. Some people need to learn how to drive. I hate when people pull out in front of me. Or when they are in the left lane & going slow so I have to pass on the right. Or when they go 10 or 20 miles under the speed limit. Then when you go to pass them they speed up. Or when they go slow around the corners & speed up when I can pass. Ugh it makes me angry! Well I need to go to bed now.

Just thinking

I feel really lonely lately. I keep wanting to cry. Luckily I have stayed strong. Nicole has been talking to me the past few days. I don't understand how a person can mess up another persons life & not care. & do it again to another person! What I think about even more though is how those 2 people with messed up life's can act so differently. I'll give it to her that she was married to him & that should have meant something to him, but no. Nicole is a perdy nice girl & all, but how she is handling this is so not helping her. I try to avoid any contact I might have with him. I have totally changed things I do. I don't walk to campus in the same way, I don't go to some of the places I used to go on a regular basis. Thing are totally different so I don't get memories. I think that has helped me the most. Also exploring who I am has really helped. I look inside of myself more. Thinking about how I really feel & what I want is the best thing. I don't live my life for others. I live it for me.

I've also been thinking about the 3 guys that have been my boyfriend. All 3 of them at some point while we were together didn't have a car. So no car = no Zana. 2 of them had money issues, one had serious money issues, which cause me to lose money. So no $$ = no Zana. 2 of them liked to drink too much! So too much booze = no Zana. The other didn't drink at all, I'm not impressed with that. I want someone who can drink every now & then with me. 2 of them liked video games WAY TOO MUCH! Now one of my starting off questions is "Do you play wow?" If yes then all communication stops. If they ask what wow is then we're good to go. I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm bored at work & there's no one to talk too. I've also changed that about myself. I like to talk to people. I like to be around people. Unless they don't make me feel good about myself or I'm not impressed with them. I think I do that so I don't have to be alone & think. Thoughts are the hardest thing to control. Things just pop in there & I have no idea what caused it. Well I'm almost done with this job then I have a break & go to Macy's. I hope I work with some cool peeps there. I'm so boy crazy. It's hard to be me! lol

Snow!

It's snowed all weekend. I don't really mind it, it just sucks to walk in & it's cold! It does make me feel sad & lonely. I don't really know why. Winter is just a lonely time I guess. It's very pretty though, which I love. I think just at this point in time I'm very lost & confused about what to do next. I'm secluding myself. I love going to work at Macy's & Mem because I get to see people I know & really like to be around! I love when I get to spend time with these peeps outside of work. It's fairly rare that I get to spend non work time with these people. I'm ganna miss them sooo much! I hope when I get to my new location I will make friends like I have here in Moscow. I think that's what makes me sad. I hate missing people. I'm always missing someone & feeling like I need to reach out to them. I don't like that I never get to see Alex or hold her. On a bad day when I just need a hug I want her to be here. Or with this new snow I want to go play, but she is not here to play with! I'm so busy too that its hard to find the time anyways. I have 3 chapters to read before friday, a midterm on thursday, and a Problem set due Thursday!! Ugh I'm so overloaded it makes me want to cry! I didn't get to sleep last night until 1am because I was stressing out. Well I have to get to class!

Dr Part 2

My dr called me today & my pap is still abnormal. Not good. So I went into talk with her. I have to go in for a colposcopy with biopsy. Basically she is ganna look at my cervix with a telescope type thing, spray some solution in there that will make the bad areas white. She will cut out those bad areas. If they are too bad then I go to a gynecologists to have my cervix frozen. It's not cancer now but over time like years it could turn into cancer. She didn't say what side effects this would have on having children, but a frozen cervix doesn't sound good. I'm nervous, but I've been nervous since October when I first found out about this junk. It makes it hard to forget the past when this complication is here. I just want to move on & not worry about anything, but this is here & I have to deal with it. I feel angry. I'm mad at myself for letting someone in who has hurt me. I should have protected myself. Ya live & ya learn I guess. I want Alex to get the HPV vaccination as soon as possible. It would appear that we don't have the jeans to kick this & she does not need to have the fear that I do.

It's been snowing all day today! My E-ship teacher just canceled class at 5:30! I'm so glad she did because I was thinking about skipping anyways. I would skip 409 too but I need to get more points. It's really hard to go to class anyways, but after my bad news today all I want to do is go home put on my pjs & watch a movie. I feel depressed & lonely!! I'm going to the basketball game tonight with Anna which should be fun. Don't know if I'm going dancing. More than likely not because of a series of events but that's fine. I've had a long day anyways & I need to sleep! Ugh I really do not want to go to class!! Hopefully we get out early!! oh man oh man!!

Luke is very nice. I told him about the HPV & he seems very interested! I'm glad he is not rejected! Being reminded about it makes me want to push him away so I don't get hurt again. I'm still hurt & just beginning to heal. I don't want what I have worked so hard to fix get ripped back open. I don't need stress & complication right now. My dr said no smoking, more sleep, better eating. I just need to work on the sleeping thing. I want to just take a shot & relax, but no more drinking either. I need to get better. I haven't cried today luckily. I almost have a few time, but I pushed it away. I'm back to being in control of my emotions, which is great! Well my battery is about it die & I need to get to class! Maybe I'll write more later!!

CDA weekend!

I went to CDA this weekend with Jessica, Maddi, and the boys. I was nervous about it because I don't know the area, but it was really fun! We went out on Friday night & I was perdy far along before we even left the house! I hadn't drank in 2 weeks so I was ready for some fun! So yeah ended up drinking & dancing a lot! Got some sweet pics of me giving a lap dance to one of our DD's. Not so sure how I feel about pics like that being out in the world, but I guess that's life! On Saturday I was hungover all day! I hate that! I was in slow mode & just slept on Luke the whole day! We also went to Spokane. It was my first time there! Didn't do anything but go to the mall and have Evans one year pics done. He is the cutest little boy! Then Saturday night we went to Jessica's brother Chris's play The Jungle Book. Which was entertaining. It was hard to stay awake! Friday night I slept like 3 or 4 hours! Which was more than everyone else because I went to bed early! We went in the hot tub & it made me sick! I don't do well with hot tubs! On Sunday I went to church for the first time since Rylin's baptism almost 4 years ago! At the church they also sold coffee, which is totally against what I was taught at church! We also went in normal cloths, no dresses! It was a totally different experience for me! I'm glad I went, and saw what it was like. I think I would actually go again too. I didn't get the feeling that I was totally messing up my life or sinning! So that was nice! i think that's all I have to say about the adventure! Meet a nice man Luke. Him and the other guys from the weekend are going to come to Moscow this weekend for Marti Gras. That should be fun. Now I have to get some hw done!

Can't sleep

For the past 4 nights I have not gone to bed before 4am!! So that makes it so I can't sleep tonight! I feel really lonely. Just can't shake the feeling for some reason. I have great friends & I constantly text & talk to them, but at the end of the day I'm still home alone. It's so weird because when I lived alone I never remember being this lonely & I didn't have friends like I have right now. I do like days like today when I wake up, burn some chocolate chip pancakes, do laundry, & homework. Just me doing house stuff. I would just like someone to be here right now when I can't sleep to keep me company. I want to txt someone or reach out, but its 1am! 2am to my BL peeps, so I don't want to bother anyone with my sad tales. I guess I'll just blog about them. There's this boy that makes me crazy when he's around. When I'm around him I get shaky, excited. It's hard to function! When he smiles at me I'm sure all I do is blush! It feels so immature, but I love it! I went out to CJ's again last night with my Macy's peeps & he went with us. We danced for a while, but he spent the rest of the night with my friend Ashton. Which is fine, but still hurts. To know that the guy that drives you crazy likes someone else sucks! Luckily this is not a new feeling for me. I love Ashton, she is so much fun! She always keeps me laughing! I left CJ's at close & took Chad & Ayla home when I got home he txtd me saying he wanted to dance. How are you supposed to respond to that? Um sorry I was there all night! Like seriously! I'm so confused! I know boys & I know what a brush off is. I also know that to smooth it over they say things like that so next time they see you it will "be ok". It's hard for me to tell if its genuine or if he is playing the game. I really would like to think it's genuine, but my experience tells me its not. I also know that because I like him so much I'm going to try & justify what's happening. Try to make myself feel better & make him out to be a good guy when he could be a douche. Oh the confusion!!

I just hit 30,000 miles on my car! She is not my baby anymore! She is like a toddler now! I'm scared now that the warranty is up that something will go wrong! Let us pray that nothing does! I have an exam on Tuesday & I'm in no way ready! I was ganna study today, but I just wanted to relax! I need to get on the study bus. I can't afford to fail any classes! Well I'm feeling kinda sleepy so I'm ganna try to sleep!

Doctor

I went to the Dr at 2:00. I hurt so bad!! I have never been poked at that much! I can hardly stand or sit up strait!! I hope the pain passes soon or I'm ganna have to skip class. The dr said everything looked really good! I'm so glad. Now I just have to wait a week until the lab stuff comes back! On the way to the office I couldn't decide if I was ganna cry or throw up! It was hard to control both, but I did it! I'm still super nervous & shaking! I didn't get a chance to ask her about the passing out thing because she was in a rush! I know what's up with that though so I'm not worried. Ugh it really hurts! I've never had this before & I'm glad!

I hung out with a very nice man last night! It was really nice. No pressure or anything to do things I didn't want to do!! It's a good thing, it will help me with my goal cuz I've broken that plan once & I don't want to again! I think he is going to go dancing tonight & tomorrow too!! I really hope so! I love dancing! I went to class last night & it was amazing! I had more fun at that class then I did over the whole semester when I was in the class!! I hope I can go every week!! I'm sore today though. We did lots of dips & my abs & arms hurt! That added to this new pain makes me a sad sight!! I'm so glad that its over though. Just a week until I know whats up!! I don't want cancer or any business like that! If I can move tonight the dancing will be really good for me. It's nice to forget about things for a while & just dance!! I have to write a 6 page paper tonight though. It's lame! I should have done it last week! I can't believe how fast this semester is going! It's scaring me! My Dr was telling me that college is really stressful, but it gets easier after you graduate & enter the real world. That makes me really happy! Just need to find a job & house!! Well my comp is ganna die & I have to waddle to class!

Ugh Being Sick Has Side Effects

I passed out twice last night. It was a very scared experience! I was taking my nightly shower. Just washing my hair when I started to feel really hot! The water was at the normal temp so I just figured I was doing the whole hot/cold thing that comes with being sick & that I've been feeling for the past week. I turned the water to a little colder & went about my business. I started to feel like I was ganna pass out so I sat down for a seconds. I realized I wasnt getting any better & quickly finished up my hair. As I was steping out of the tub I started to fully pass out. I tried to help myself fall slowly. I woke up laying on the floor all wet, wondering how long I was out, & if I should get up. It was so scary. My vision was messed up & I was shaking. I'm just laying there trying to decide what to do when I realized the rug is missing. Who moved the rug? I was stuck on that thought for a while. I decided that it didn't matter & that I should try to go to my bed. As I stood up the feeling of passing out came over me again. That feeling sucks. It's even worse when you don't know if you will pass out & how long it will take for someone to realize that your laying on the floor. Anyways I stubble into my room. Unable to see clearly & fighting the urge to black out. Next thing I remember is laying on my bed, being cold & wet. I layed there for about a half hour before I decided it was ok to move. Then I got some food & have been feeling ok since. The last time this happened I was 16 & got taken by ambulance to the ER. It sucked. The Dr perdy much just looked at me & said I hyperventalated. Which is not true. I get this feeling after or while I'm sick & have not been eating well. I also get it if I lose weight quickly. On Monday all I had to eat were some chocolate chip pancakes & popcorn. Not a good idea having been sick the past week! I took some vitamines this morning & plan on taking them everyday agian like I used to do. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday to see if the HPV stuff has cleared out or gotten worse. Let us pray that its gone! I'm very nervous! I don't like the thought of having something growing inside of me! Hmm what else has happened... I don't think there is anything else I need to write about.

My dad!

I know my family has a great influence in my life, but sometime it just overwhelms me. My closet shelf has been attempting to fall down since I moved in. I keep putting off fixing it. Last night stuff started falling off the shelf so I decided to fix it today! Put the battery in my drill, dead. Try the 2nd one, dead. Took 3 hours to charge it! I had to pull the shelf off the wall & rehang it. I don't think I would have had a clue what to do or it would have taken a lot longer if I had not helped my dad with similar projects when I was young. I love my dad! If I ever find a man like him I will ruffy him & take him to Vegas for a quick wedding!! I almost called my dad & told him thank you for teaching me these life things. Thank you for making me independent! Thank you for making it so I don't need to depend on a man to do the "hard stuff." There is nothing I wouldn't do for my dad. I love that I have his name. I love that I'm named after his mother. I love it! I have a lot of pride in myself because of the people I'm named after. I wrote a story about it once. Too bad its on the computer Gary has or I would post it. I'm sure I have a hard copy somewhere. I'll put it up if I run across it. My grandma Wirth is just as amazing. I had trashed this name. I can never be as great as them. I try to be the best that I can be. I try to be like them. To be honest & hard working. I try to live my life with respect for my elders, like my dad always told me. Days like today set me strait. Remind me of where I come from. Who I am! I am a Wirth! I always will be! Even when I get married I will still be Zana Flo Wirth! Nothing will ever change that! I wish my brothers would realize who they are & what they can be. I don't take much pride in my schools are where I'm from, but I take pride in my name. I just love it! I can't even explain how overwhelmed I am when I think about it. I really want to get that tattoo. I will do it soon. I know my dad will not be impressed, but I'm sure he will understand. I love my family!! It's amazing how just fixing a shelf can make me feel this way! Family is always there. My brothers & I had a little fight last week, but Friday I had a rough night & Daniel still talked to me while I was drunk crying. That's what you do.

I have this friend that I really love & she has been there for me through a lot of stuff. She has been a great friend & I'm so glad to have her in my life. There is just this one hickup. I like these boys & I feel like she just sweeps them off their feet & I'm left with nothing. I know its not her fault, but it still hurts. If I know a friend likes a guy I will not make any sort of advancement towards them. I try to put space between us & not do anything to encourage any sort of flirty behavior. Even if it's just a crush or some little likeness. I would feel bad if they showed interest in me & not my friend. Again I know she does not encourage this, I think, but it still feels like it. I don't really know. Maybe I'm just over reacting. Maybe I'm just being dumb, but it hurts! I like this boy & he keeps asking for her number! What the fuck is that? So instead of friend not showing interest in him like I would she dances very physically with him. In this situation I could not flirt as much with the guy I like because I had an ex staring at me the whole time & I didn't want to create drama so I just stood on the back line. Hung out with some other friends. I need to stand up more for what I want. I need to not let things like this happen. Oh man I don't really know. Well I'm ganna go put my stuff back in the closet that is now fixed!!