Not fair

I just burst out crying for the first time in weeks. I can still be slapped across the face with a memory. I'll show you what's no fair asshole. Not fair is me crying over some stupid guy how is not worth my time. Me being hurt because I trusted you. I gave you me. Not fair is me not be able to be myself around a new guy because of you. Not fair me having to wait to have sex until a test comes back, but you can fuck who ever you want. Not fair me scared that my vagina might have to be frozen. Not fair my fear of someday not being able to have children. Not fair is the time I wasted with you instead of being with my family. Not fair is putting your needs & wants before my own. Not fair is me giving up my apartment. Not fair is the past 5 months of my life. Not fair is her not knowing who you really are. Not fair is me knowing who you are & not being able to help another avoid your pain. Not fair is how much I want to beat the shit out of something. Not fair is me forgetting everything I need at the store because I saw your fucking car. Not fair. I will show you not fair when you realize what you lost. Not fair is having a hard semester made harder because of the emotional roller coster you had me on for it. Not fair is knowing I am better than this, better than you, but I still stayed with you. Not fair is me listening to you over others I trusted more telling me no. Not fair, I will show you not fair. Not fair is how alone I feel, how empty I am. Not fair is you hiding behind God when he knows what you have done. Not fair is what your ganna say when God passes judgement on you.

It's been a while

Lots of new things since my last post. I've been blogging on myspace a lot, so this one gets put on the back burner. I moved in with some strangers the thursday before Thanksgiving. It's going really well! My room mate is super nice & we get along perfectly! We talk when we are both home & its not weird. I think I'm a better people person & better at conversation now than I have ever been! My personality is changing. I feel so much better about myself & more confident. I really needed this change.

I've been hanging out with this guy from work. He is nice & we have fun, but he only invites me out to the bars with him. I'm not a big fan of bars, but I have been going because I want to hang out with him. Yesterday he asked if I wanted to go to lunch with him. I said no because I had just eaten. He said that was cool then a little bit later asked if I wanted to hang out. I was like sure. It was 5pm & he took me to the bar! I was not expecting it & had plans with a friend at 7. I told him I didn't want to be around the smoke. He said that since it was 5 there wouldn't be anyone smoking & I would be fine. Shortly after we got there he started smoke & smoked like 4 in the 1.5 hours we were there! It kinda pisses me off. He just expects that I will go out with him everytime he askes. Today he asked if I was ganna hang out with him again. I said no because he is not going out until 11:30. I have a bunch of homework to get done & stuff to do tomorrow & I don't want to be hung over while trying to do them. He sent a message back saying I need to ask to hang out next time because I keep telling him no. I'm just sick of going to the bars, smelling bad, & feeling like crap the next day! Seriously! I'm sure he didn't mean it as rude. He is from another country too, so there is a cuture difference. Well anyways I need to get to sleep. I think that's all the news I have anyways. Only 1 week left of classes then finals week! Yay!

I'm out!

I finished moving my stuff out yesterday. Happy, sad moment. I had a rough day & today is kinda gloomy. I know I will be ok in the end, but it still hurts to know that I was lied to & cheated on. The worst thing is wondering why. Why did he have to do this to me? He could have chosen so dumb slut to do it to, but he chose me. Took away my freedom & then told me I was not independent. I'm sorry thats fucked up. I cried Saturday after selling the washer for the first time in like week or more. Then last night/yesterday was very emotional. I just can't understand how a person can treat another person like that. Even on my worst mean, hating day I could never lie to someone & give them hope. I just don't get it. Oh welll you live you learn.

On a happy note I'm going to Boise this weekend to party a little. I'm excited! I really want to just forget about things & be single & have fun! I'm a little nervous about what will happen, but I'm determined to have fun. Dance my cares away!

I went on a date last week & it was totally not worth my time. The guy didn't even open any doors for me! How lame is that? I told him I had other plans for after the date & he kept trying to get me to go over to his place & watch a movie. I also had plans for Saturday night & he could not understand that either! Seriously I'm not looking for someone to take over my life! Been there, done that. I'm looking for someone to have fun with. Someone I can hang out with.

I don't really thing here is anything else going on. I have 3 exams this week. One today & 2 tomorrow & I'm not ganna do very well on any of them. My head is not in the right spot. Thanks dick! I just hope that I can get some of the money out of him. Why was I so stupid! I saw this coming & still let it happen!

I'm moving out!

I have decided to move out earlier than expected. I was trying to wait until the end of December so I could move into my new apartment without having to move 2 times within a month. Now I get to move twice in 2 months! Yay me! By the end of this year I will have moved 3 times, doubling how many times I have moved in my whole life! These past few weeks have been really great compared to the emotional roller coaster Gary had me on for the past 3 months. I have found that I have family & friends that I can count on & I wish I would have listened to them a year & a half ago when they tried to warn me! Or even in the Spring when people told me to think again about moving in with Gary. Oh well the past is the past I now I can make better decisions for myself. I just wish I would not have put the washer in my name or opened a cell phone for him cuz now I'm stuck with the bills! I'm in the process of selling the washer, which so far has not gotten any hits. If it does not sell by Wednesday Sears will take it back, but I still have to pay like $250 for a washer I will not longer have! I'm trying to get a family friend to store it for me & if that goes through than I may keep it. I do like the washer, but I let myself get talked into it. I'm going to work on not letting people walk over me. I want to stand up for myself & get what I want. It's my life! Well anyways I ganna try to get some sleep. This time change has helped me get a little more sleep than usual except last night!

On Sunday I gave Scribbles away. I'm sad & I miss her but I'm glad I did it. She needs someone who can give her more attention than I can right now. She did really good on the car ride to Boise. I thought she would be whinny & freaking out, but she just watched out the windows. I think she enjoyed it! I don't think I have anything else....Nope I don't

It's all done

It would appear that 3 options actually meant I have found another girl. Gary has been seeing a new person this whole week. Been getting home very late, or early. We have not slept together since Saturday & we will never sleep together again. I can hardly sleep at night. Last night I got 5 hours & thought that it was good. I just don't understand how he can go from saying I wont see anyone else while your here to doing another girl, not even a month after saying it! Today has been a fairly good day though. I woke up & decided that it was going to be a good day. & it was up until Gary was home at the same time as me. It was weird. I talk to Jessica today at Winco & she said Gary was dressed weird. He was wearing those huge pants & the blue dragon shirt. He looked like a werido. Oh well, I guess when your trying to be with someone & don't want to get rejected you start making yourself into the person they want you to be. Which is what he did for me, so why not do it for the next girl. Jeff & Heather have been helping me feel better. I go to their house a bunch & stayed the night on Wednesday. I am probably ganna stay there all weekend cuz Andy & family/friends will be in town. I really hate this. I thought it was just something Gary was going through. I thought we would be able to work through it. How can he change for a new girl & not for me? I was talking to a team mate today that said she had the same experience & now she is with a person who is 10 times better. I just want someone to be there for me when I'm having a rough time like with my 407 assignment. That's what made the end of today sad for me. I'm frustrated with my homework so it makes me think about Gary being with a new girl. Me not being enough. Fuck this was such a good day, I was so happy. I am ganna make myself happy. I have friends & family to support me through this! I will be ok, I don't need a man or a boy like Gary in my life. I can take care of myself! Now back to the evil homework. Wish me luck!

3 Options

I've had a very rough week. Gary has been pushing me away again & I can't take it. Today he told me that we have 3 options: Move on, stay in the mess, or get back together. He wants to move on & I was to get back together. Why does it have to be like this? I wish I could quit loving him & move on, but I can't. I try. I want to be happy again. I was happy for a little while, then he pushes me away again. I want to be buddies like we were before this relationship mess! I had a messed up dream last night. Gary had called Charlotte & she was at my house. It made me so mad & he wouldn't tell me why he did it. There was also something wrong with Parker that he would not tell me about, but he was texting like crazy with Charlotte! So finally he told me that he called her because he thought he might have AIDs. How crazy is that? That's what I woke up to. Plus last night was I was up until 3am, same shit. I hate my life! Why do I have to love someone that wants nothing to do with me? My whole body is sad. I have lost a bunch of weight & my hair keeps falling out. I'm always sick & feel like I could throw up at anytime. My head is killing me, I just want to sleep, but it's hard to sleep. When I do get to sleep I have bad dreams. I'm so stressed out! I want to move on, but how do I do that when he's the one I want? The one my mind is made up to be with. And he wont even give me the chance to prove to him that I am the best one for him. I fucking hate this shit.

Just an update

It was my birthday not this past weekend but the one before that on the 4th. I had a good time. We went bowling & played some games. I've been drinking a bunch lately. Not sure why but probably because it helps me feel good for a little while. A bunch is once a week usually, sometimes twice. The past few weekends have been really fun. Gary & I have been going over to hang out with Jeff & Heather. That's what we did for my b-day. I'm still having trouble with my 407 class. I got an 86/200 on my last assignment plus I fail quizzes like its the cool thing to do! I just feel so behind in that class! Like I don't have the background to be in there. It's so frustrating! On top of it all I'm burnt out with school so I don't want to do homework! I had 2 exams last week that I'm sure I passed. I have an econometrics exam this week that I have no idea what to study! I'm sure I will pass all my classes except 407. I'm debating weather I should stick with it & fail or just drop it & retake it when I have a ligher load. I just know I have to take so I want to chance it because I could get a D. That's passing, right? If I drop it I will only have 14 credits this semester & therefore I would have to stay for the summer or another semester. Which right now is looking good to me. Few classes means I have more time to study & relax. I just want to be though! My dad told me the other day that my aunt can get me a job at the bank where she works. So I don't have to worry about that. It's in SLC so I will be a lot closer to home. I still want to be with Gary. That never goes away. But it's his ball so I'm just trying to do my best. I still cry a lot. Everyday is a struggle, but it seems to be getting better, I think. It snowed in BL this weekend. Mar sent me pics that I'm ganna put on here. I'm excited for the first snow! I love it! I don't want the cold though.

I hate love

I got this email today & I liked it. I have had a crapy day & its only noon! Last night I had a dream that Gary invited me to go to Paul Bunyon days with. He went there early & I went with Alex & Nancy. When we got there Gary just ignored me & was waiting for someone else. During the dream I was so sad. When the girl got there Nancy asked me if I knew her. I said no. It hurt so bad to have her & Alex there while he was with this Sarah girl. It was kind of funny though because the girl didn't seem like she wanted to be there with him. She kept pulling away while he held her hand. There was also another dream, but this one is the only one I can remember. I wish I could just drop this. This is ruining me! I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want him to go away! I want to forget everything we had together. I want to move forward. I love him & I can't believe this is happening to me! I tired so hard to keep my heart protected. Then Gary came along. I still kept it to myself, but eventually he got in. Now I can't get him out. Even when he hurts me more. Saying things that I know he doesn't mean to be hurtful about. I'm not making myself his bitch when I do things for him, it's me trying to show him I care. Why can't he see that? I want someone who does the things from this email. Gary used to, but that's the past. I hate my life right now. I hate having his hurt me so much. I hate almost crying in public multiple times a day. It's all for nothing! I'm not scared to be alone. I've been alone for the better part of my life. I thought he was the one. The one who would make everything better, not worse! I have never felt like this before. So torn & alone. As much as I want to graduate & get away from here, I want to say & make us better. I deserve so much better. I hate this! I hate to hate me. I hate thinking my life was just getting started to have it torn up & thrown in my face. To be stuck & not know what I should do next. Or better yet knowing what I need to do & not being strong enough to do it. I hate it all.

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouths of babes. What does 'Love' mean? A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does 'love' mean?' The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' Rebecca- age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' Chrissie - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.' Danny - age 7
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mummy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss' Emily - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.' Bobby -> age 7
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,' Nikka - age 6
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.' Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' Cindy - age 8
'My mummy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' Clare -> age 6
'Love is when Mummy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine-age 5
'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' Chris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day' Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' Karen - age 7
'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.' Mark - age 6
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.' Jessica - age 8
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

Just wanting to get away for a bit

I'm just taking a break from studying & thought I would let out some feelings. Gary keeps saying things that hurt me. I don't know if he does it on purpose or if I'm just super sensitive. (I'm guessing the latter is it) So the other night he told me that we are in love, but we are not compatable. That makes me mad. He thinks that we should get alone about everything & never get on each others nerves. Relationships are supposed to be easy. Yeah right! I don't know what world he is living in. I keep getting told that I am crazy for waiting for him to come around & that I deserve better than him, but I don't believe it. I love him & I know we can work if he would just get off the horse that he is running away on & realize that I am here. Maybe I just don't see our fighting as fighting. I don't like that he plays wow all day everyday, but I'm getting used to it. I'm realizing that that is who he is. He finds it annoying that I'm a clean freak. Ok I get that, so I have not been asking him to do things, I just do them myself. Except for the dishes, which have been filling the sink. I don't mind doing the cleaning, I actually feel proud & happy when I do it, kinda like he is happy & proud of his wow people being really good. I wish he could see that. I wish he could see a lot of things. Maybe I should explore what I think a bad relaionship is. To me my parents have a bad relationship. They fight & argue all the time. They are only together for the kids, if you will. I also think a bad relationship is when you depend on the other person for just about everything. I see this in Gary's marriage. From what I understand. Nicole was just using Gary for money & stability. That is in no way a good relationship. Little or bad communication is also bad. I think Gary & I have our days of bad communication, which I think is normal. Sometimes there are bad days. Compromise is also key to a good relationship. Right now we do not have that. One example is that we always have to sleep on the futon in couch form. I deal with it because thats the only way I get to sleep with Gary. But here & there I want to be able to sleep without waking up 4-5 times just to move or because I'm dieing of heat! Sometime, or all the time it seems like now, we have to do things his way. It doesn't matter if what I want is different. He has just totally given up. That's what hurts me the most. Everytime he says that he loves me but it wont work, cuts me deeper, breaks my heart even more. How come he can not realize that I am the best? That I will be here, that I will not treat him like the girls of his past. I'm starting to hate him for being so ignorant. I can see the potiental in him, why can't he see what I am & my potiental? It makes me upset. He is great & he is the one I want to be with, but I sometimes find myself wanting to be rid of him. Wanting to be away. He told me I'm scared to be alone. I'm not. I'm scared to be without the man I love. I could have another man in my life by tomorrow, but I don't want another. It hurts every time I have to call him my room mate. It hurts to know that that is all he is to me or rather that is all I am to him. Ok I'm ganna go back to studying cuz I'm sick of thinking about retarded boys.

Its weird...

Gary told me yesterday that it is weird when I tell him that I love him. Why is that weird? I don't understand. It's made today hard. I have almost cried a few times. But I have held strong, who knows how. As much as I want to graduate I really don't. After I graduate I will be gone. I will be away from Gary & who knows if I will ever see him again. That breaks my heart all over again. Today is going to be very hard. Gary is sick again. This time he has a fever & a bad cough. He didn't go to classes. I'm trying to do things to make him feel better, but while I'm doing those things I wonder why. Yesterday Gary also told me that I make myself his bitch. I'm sorry if I want to make you happy. To do things for you. To show you that I care. That I will be there. I'm sorry I was too busy to fold the laundry so I asked you to help me. I'm sorry your not as willing to help me as I am to help you. What if it was me that was sick? Would you go get me medicine? Would you put an extra blanket on me? Got to go to class.

Why

Last night was another bad night. I hate when I walk into the room & he hurries to change windows. I'm not stupid, I know what is going on. It's hard. I would say last night we had a fight. On the way home from the bar he said that I was acting like a girlfriend. I cried when we got home. He came in & I told him he didn't have to worry about it cuz he was not my boyfriend. It was mean & it just made me feel worse. I'm starting to have a lot of anger towards him. He keeps saying he loves me, but its different. It still hurts, everyday, all the time. I almost drove back to Montpelier last night. I can't handle the stress. It's so hard to deal with things. I still love him, but the things I keep seeing are making me hate parts of him. I still love him more than the anger. I don't want to get back into a relationship with him, but I want to try & make things work. I know they can, he just needs to want it too. That's where I'm at. The same spot. I feel bad that I let myself down. Every time I let someone in they seem to just hurt me. It's never different. I thought Gary was different, but its starting to seem like he is just like everyone else. What did I do to deserve this? I try to be nice to people, but I never get that back. It supposed to be that things come back to you. But I don't know what things I have done to deserve this. I feel like nothing good happens for me. Sure there are good things, but when it rains it pours on me. It doesn't seem like its ever good. With Gary I thought my good rain had come, but not its a cold rain that does not go away. The cloud is always over my head & whenever I start feeling like I'm getting back on my feet the rain starts pouring & my feet slip in the mud. Sometimes Gary is there to help me back up, but its only to push me down again. I'm ganna go try to distract myself.

Another Month

Now its been 2 long months. I still cry when ever I think about it. I'm crying now. I still don't understand how a person can love, but think it wont work when it can. The need to tell Gary I love him has returned. I don't know why. Maybe I have "fallen back in love with him." I don't know. I'm so lost & confused. I love him & will still do whatever it takes to make him see that I am here for the long run. Why can't that be enough? All the times I thought my life would be easier without Gary I was so wrong! Not being with Gary is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I have closed myself off from the world. My friend Jeff keeps inviting me to do things with him & his family, but I turn him down. I just want to sit alone & cry the day away. The depression is still here. I do think it has gotten better. Some days thoughts just consume me, like Thursday. Thursday was a bad day from the start. A song by Limp Bisket reminds me of that day. It goes some thing like, Some days you just dont want to wake up, everything is fucked, everybody sucks. You dont really know why but you want to justify ripping someones face off. That was my day. I cried for at least 2 hours. I just couldn't stop. To know that Gary loves me, but choose to be ignorant to that blows my mind! Obviously we will not work if he keeps telling himself we wont. Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face! I'm right here I love you & I want to make you happy. What more do I have to do? I'm not changing who I am. If anything I am going back to the person I was before. Which is a good thing. I just want to punch myself in the face for sticking around, waiting for him to change his stubborn mind. Oh well I guess in 8 months I'm outie. I think that's all I have. Classes are still getting me down, but I'm trying.

Maybe its Thursdays...

I had a perdy good weekend. I was happy. But last night that all changed. I did get sick on Sunday. Gary got sick on Friday & was trying to get me sick, which I don't understand. He got what he wanted, I wish I could! So I have missed most of my classes once. My throat has been killing me, today it has started to feel better. I took some meds before my 8am class, which was a very bad idea. I could hardly stay awake! Anyways I've been sad again today. Trying not to cry & working on being happy & hiding how I really feel. I don't know if people can tell that I'm sad. I hope they can't tell that I am ready to cry at any second. Last Thursday was like this, so maybe its a Thursday thing. I am only waiting on one book, which I need to do homework for that class on Wednesday! I've been trying to do the homework in my other classes too & it seems like what the professors talk about for an hour & 15 mintues has nothing to do with the assignments!! I hope it gets better because I don't want to fail these classes with only 2 semesters left! I just feel so behind in my major & I don't even like the stuff that deals with my major! I am certain I will not get the stat minor. It's too much! So I need to look for other classes for next semester.

Sadness

So I'm still really sad & upset about the break up. The pain just seems to grow. Some days I can push it away, but others it just takes over. Yesterday Jeff asked about me & Gary. I told him that we are not getting back together anytime soon if ever. Saying the words out loud made it even more real & heart breaking. Just went I think I'm doing better something happens & I'm back where I started. I still have very strong feelings for Gary & they are not dieing down or going away. Every day I feel like I'm getting more of myself back, and that is good. But I still long for Gary to hold me & tell me everything is ok. Yesterday while walking home it was all I could do to not cry. When I got like 10 feet from my door I could not hold it in anymore. I cried for a while, but then I had to come back to campus. It's just still so hard! I'm trying not to cry right now. I'm at work & will be for another hour & a half. This job is so boring. Before I would hate when Gary played wow all the time, now I would give just about anything to lay in there while he plays. The only thing I want is for the feelings he had for me to return. I would do anything for that. I would do anything to keep them forever. To keep him happy. Having him gone is worse than moving here away from my family. I thought that was the worst thing I have gone through, but this is so much worse. I constantly wonder if I will ever feel like I did with Gary ever again. I try to get interested in other guys, but I can't. Gary is always in my mind. I wake up looking for him, & fall asleep wishing he was there. When I walk to class I remember him walking with me, while in class I wonder if he got up for class, or when I have gaps I remember meeting him for coffee & hot chocolate. Maybe my dad is right, I just want to be at a new school. I like Moscow & can't imagine another school I would like as much as UI. Plus I don't want to trasfer with only a year left. I'm taking Scribbles to the Vet tomorrow for shots & I'm sad that Gary will not be there. Oh boy....

On another note, my classes seem to be better. I'm taking notes by hand & avoid using my laptop if I can. Some professors have us use them in class, I wish I could just leave it home. It's so heavy. I feel like a crazy ex-girlfriend. That's all I have. Jeff wants me to go play wii tonight, but I don't know if my emotions are in line enough. It's a month until my birthday today. Usually this would start a count down & be a really happy day for me, but I just can't get into it. It makes me really sad. Birthdays are my favorite holiday & I don't even want mine to come. Memeories are a bitch!

Saturday Night

I went out with Chad, Ayla, & Adriana last night. We went dancing, which I didn't think I would like at all, but I really enjoyed myself! I really needed it! I drank a bunch, but I don't have a hangover!! YAY!! At first I was having fun, but the dancing part made me nervous. Then the shots took over & I got into it! Ayla was my partner & she is a crazy dancer! It was so fun! I can't wait to go again!!

Scribbles slept in my bed for the first time last night. She did really well! I think she enjoys it. At first she kept roaming around, but she settled down. I was nervous she would pee in my bed, but no problems! She likes to sleep on my legs. Right now she has her head on my leg. I really enjoy having her! We are a lot alike. I like to just relax & hangout, & so does she. We also like to go on walks, play fetch, & visit with friends. She doesn't like to be around a bunch of people like me. It's kinda weird, but I'm glad we are similar. She really needs a hair cut, she is shaggy!

Well I don't think there is anyting else! I'm feeling better, so that is great!

You just want me

Well duh! So that's the line Gary gave me the other morning & yes I want him. I want him, not his money or his things. I want him! I'm not using him nor do I need him. I don't understand what he was getting at by telling me that! So anyways he is in St. Marys for the weekend & it was decided upon that it would be "easier" if I stayed home. I'm ok with it I guess. I was looking forward to this weekend for a long time, but my future dreams seem to just get crushed at any possible chance. I'm going out tonight with Ayla & Chad. I'm excited! I want to get out & have some fun! I took Scribbles for a walk to Admin lawn yesterday & tonight. She really likes it & so do I. I like to sit on the lawn & watch the people do what they do. Well I don't really have anything else to talk about, just the you just want me thing.

First week

I have failed so many quizes this week its not even funny! I hope I can start doing better. I think the teachers do quizes to see where we are at & scare off people. It makes me feel dumb. I think I will have 2 easish classes out of my 6. So I will have to work hard! Speaking of work, work study is so boring. I am there now & I just sit here & give out towels, lockers, & answer questions. The other morning Gary told me he loves me only as a friend. So that is perdy much over. I feel really horibble still, but what am I supposed to do? I have been trying really hard this past month & a half with things only getting worse & stressing me out! My stomach always hurts & I can burst out crying at any moment. Makes classes kinda hard when I have to focus on not crying! On Tuesday right when I walked in the door of my house I burst into tears! It sucks, but I hope I can get past it soon. Gary also told me today that he is ganna ride to St. Marys with a friend. So I get to stay home all alone this weekend & do nothing. Which is what I kind of wanted to do anyways. I just go to St. Marys for him, so I think it would just be weird if I was there. Betty called me tonight about Garys car & the cops, & wants me to go up there this weekend. I don't think she knows about me & Gary or the lack there of. So that would make this weekend even more joyful. I still don't understand how it can just be done, but Mar keeps telling me its for the better. I hope she is right. I think my mind is set on moving to SLC area after college. But who knows that could change. I thinks that's all I have for now.

First day of my last year

Classes started today. I think my Stat 401 class is ganna suck because the teacher talks slow. He talked about what is going to happen in the class for the full 50 minutes. It seemed like a hours! Hopefully he will be better about lecturing on stats. My BUS 490 class is going to be interesting. The teacher has a lot of energy so I will be paying attention, I hope. We have to work in groups though & I'm not so sure what is going on. Hopefully only working 10 hours a week will help me keep up. I went & talked to my supervisor so after tomorrow I will be employed!!! Yay! I'm excited to have things to do instead of sitting around. My yoga class should be fairly nice. I was nervous, but the teacher is really nice & the class is big so I wont feel like I'm being watched. Pilates is really making me nervous. The class is a begining one but the teacher sent out an email that said experiance is recommended but not required. I have a video that I do here & there so I hope that's enough. If not I guess I will be talking 19 credits instead of 20!

So I was talking with Gary last night & I'm so confused. He is waiting for something until he decides if he wants to be with me. I hate this waiting around in hopes that he might pull his head out of his ass & see how much I love him. When we where together he said he should not have to prove his love to me, but now it feels like he wants me to prove that I am right for him. How am I supposed to do that? Is being here through all the drama of his wife & family not enough? Is being here for him while he is drunk & can't take care of himself not enough? He played wow so much that I don't think any other girl would have stayed. Now it feels like none of that mattered. How I am supposed to prove that I'm the right one? Why should I have to do that? Why am I still here? That is what I keep asking myself. He is not asking me to stay nor is he asking me to leave. I feel stuck here. I don't want to move again & I don't want to lose him, but his waiting around is getting to me. Life sucks! I'm just glad I have people to turn to who have been here before. Well I better get to bed, I have a huge day tomorrow!

Back to School Shopping

Gary & I went to Lewiston today to do some shopping for school. I was not in the mood to shop so I didn't get much. Gary on the other hand went crazy! Usually he doesn't like to shop & I'm the one going crazy! Over all the day was good. We had a rough spot at first cuz Gary was grouchy & it made me feel uncomfortable, but after we ate he felt better. Tomorrow we might do a bit more, who knows. I still need to go make sure I know where all my classrooms are. I am fairly certain I know where they all are except one that is in a building I have never had a class in. I do know where the building is so it should not be hard. Well that's all the happenings of the day.

It's A New Day

I'm feeling really good so far today. I think its because financial aid came through & I have money!! Saidly I have spent almost $1000 of it so far today on things for school! I paid rent & got my books. Books blow! I just spent $426 & I still have a $100 book to buy! WTF! Now I just have to get my school stuff like a backpack & notebooks plus some clothes, but nothing too expensive! Then I'm back to being broke until I start working. Gary made the comment today that when he first met me I was making $9 an hour & I keep going down in pay, now I'm at minimum wage! I just get bored & have to move on. I'm getting kinda nervous about classes starting. I really want to do good this year. Working 10 hours a week will really help. I just need to study more.
I'm feeling better about breaking up. It's nice to have my own space, but still beable to go hug Gary when I feel like it or just go talk. We sleep separatly, but I've been waking up at 6 with Scribbles then getting her back to sleep. After she goes back to sleep I go lay with Gary for a little while. It just feels good.
My new washer is amazing! I washed everything in the house already! When I washed whites yesterday it messed them up! I don't know what happened, but I think because the pipes had not been used in a while the rust came off onto the clothes. So now the whites are a rust color. It's gross! But other than that I have no problems with the machine. It so quiet, too. I thought it would bang around & make some noise, but it doesn't! Well that's all I have for now! Hopefully my happyness last for a few days.

New Washer!!

My washer was delivered today around 2. It is not as big as it looked in the store, which makes me very happy! I may have ruined some clothes because I usually wash towels in with whites & I guess I can't do that with a front load washer. My bad! I'm rewashing them now to see if they will come clean. I hope so, I messed up some of Gary's clothes & I feel bad. I went to my orientation session for work study today. I was perdy basic. I should only have to work around 10 hours a week to make the $250 a month I need. I'm excited! I usually have to work at least 20 hours a week so 10 will be amazing! Maybe I will beable to boost my GPA or at least have time for some fun! I'm feeling a bit better about the break up. I have been having bad dreams about Gary writing emails to his exwife. Last night I was sleeping in his room while he played wow & had a dream that while I was sleeping he was writing her saying stuff like we this & we that, we being him & her. I woke up fairly upset. Gary says that she has been writing him emails. She has been writing him emails the whole time we were together. It made me feel uncomfortable & like I was just a filler until they got back together. Now I feel even worse because they are writing again. If he still wants to be with her that is fine, but why get a devorice? I've been with him throught a lot of things that I'm fairly certain most girls would not have stuck by him through. & now that means nothing, that's what I feel like. Just a little venting! Gary baught me his favorite book to read. I thought it was going to be dumb, but so far I like it. It's called Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind. They are making a TV series out of it & we will end up watching it so I guess I need the background. Well I think that's all the events of the day.

Hmm

I'm feeling anger today. I don't like that I feel used or possibly lied to. I am starting to lose hope in love. When you love someone & would do anything for them then find out some secrets, it makes the pain of the love go away. That feeling of love gets lost when the feelings of pain & anger take over. I want to feel the love & think that people are good. Now I think I am the good one. I'm listening to the song Better Than Me by Hinder, & I think I deserve better. I deserve better & even if it means I am to be alone at least I will be with someone who I know loves me & wants the best for me. That's all I have. Life goes on & I'll be ok.

Sad Sad

It's over for me & Gary. I hate saying it, I hate thinking it, but its over. My world, my future was so brite & clear until last month. Now its a dark & scary place. I am moving on, I don't feel the urge to tell Gary I love him any more. I still do love him & I probably always will. We are still friends & buddies, but its hard. I still cry, like I am now, but there is a little hope for a bright future. I talked to Ed & he makes me feel better. He has been where I am & he said I will stop cry, but I wont get over loving Gary. Yesterday was a perdy good day. I felt ok. Today I woke up walked away & felt good. Andy came over & it was weird. Gary says I keep trying to sell him a washer (inside thing). I just can't understand how love can be gone. How he can't try. How a person can lose hope in someone they once thought of as a soul mate? How does that happen? Why didn't I try sooner? How could I put myself & Gary through this? It's hard.

On a kind of happier note, Gary & Andy took the couches away & I get a new washer on Thurdays. I have so much laundry! It's crazy. That's the happy I have right now.

It's been a month

Gary & I have been on a break for a month today. I cry everyday & the pain does not seem to end or even get easier to bare. I've been trying different things but nothing seems to work. I feel like my heart break a little more every day. He tells me he does not want me to leave, but does not want to be in a relationship. I don't want to be buddies & I don't want to leave. So that's the stale mate we are at. It blows!

I went over to Jessica's tonight for a girls night. There were only 4 of us there. Sam, Jess, Me, & some girl I just met I don't even remember her name! I'm so bad. I didn't drink because I have a cold & I'm depressed. Drinking & not being happy is not a good combination. I have been through that several times & don't want to do it again any time soon. So we just hung out. We went to Safeway & Brad was working so we chatted a little. I always that if anyone asks or talks to me about Gary I will cry. It's really hard for me to deal with it. I'm trying to help myself, but its so hard having him here. A part of me just wants a clean break, but the bigger part of me knows this work out. This waiting around is what kills me. I feel like for the better part of the day he just pretends like I am not here or that I'm some random friend. Then when he comes to bed & right when we wake up its fine. It drives me crazy. I feel like the crazy exgirl friend that will not go away, but he tells me to stay. I don't know. Grr I wish I knew boys! Having 4 brothers did not help me! I want to talk to them about it but I know the problem is me & I'm also embarassed. To know that I could be wrong about "the one" who is right for me. I feel like I'm such an idiot & I let myself down. Its so hard because even though I feel like I let myself down I feel that Gary is still the right one. He is just scared or getting cold feet. I'm not pressuring him to marry me or anything, I don't even want to be married anytime soon! Oh well its my problem & I don't think it will go away anytime soon.

Compatibility Test

http://www.datingdiversions.com/img/heart.jpg) no-repeat 26px 0px; width: 350px; border: 2px solid #ee88bb; padding: 0px; margin: 15px;">

Zana
&
Gary

69% Compatible

♥ Zana and Gary have been romantically-together for awhile now, indicating a degree of compatibility. Being from different religious backgrounds may cause friction. And a mismatch in athleticism could decrease compatibility. Their astrological signs are in harmony, though, which is a plus. And their views on children are similar. Zana and Gary are somewhat compatible overall. There are definitely some rough spots, but those can be overcome with love and dedication. ♥

http://www.datingdiversions.com/dating_compatibility.html">Test Your Dating Compatibility

Candles & Dinner

Last night I made a candle lit dinner for Gary. It was perdy nice. We just ate & talked, then there was supposed to be some comit dust so we sat on the balcony to watch it. We only saw a few, but it was nice. Then he played wow & I went to bed. I'm feeling good about us, but today he told me he worries about us being compatible. Which I used stand is important, but I think we are. I mean sure we like different things, but we like a lot of the same things too. I feel that our biggest issue is video games, but I'm working on that. I need to be more relaxed, which I am also working on. On a different note I found another big spider today. Not as big as the one on Thursday, but it was no small one either! I let out a huge scream! Then I was trying to kill it. I was swinging the fly swater all around. Char (the neighbor who killed the other one) asked me if I killed it, but I think it ran down the balcony. Gary then sprayed the house down. Another one popped out & he sprayed it until it died. I have not seen any since. Hmm what else.... Oh Char & I talked & let Scribbles & Boarder play for a little bit today. It was nice. Scribbles was so funny she just kept running from Boarder, then she got fed up & started chasing him down. I started watching Heros on like Thursday. It is really good. I am hooked! Gary has been watching some episodes with me. So that's all I have, I'm ganna go watch the Lake House now.

It's Over!!

I just got a call from the lawyer & the case has been dropped!! I'm so excited! I was very scared & nervous about being a witness up in front of a jury! I also didn't want Gary to go to jail! It would suck! Now its over & we don't have to worry anymore! That's the best news I have heard in a while! The lawyer is ganna call Gary & tell him that he has to go to jail! I wish I could be there to see his face! We had a really great lawyer. Him calling to tell Gary he is going to jail shows his personality. He is a perdy fun guy, but he was strait with us the whole time about what could happen & what we needed to do. Weird I just saw a strange man outside. That was weird. Not too many strangers walk around by our doors. There are only 4 apartments in this building & we are tucked back off the road so people dont just stumble by. Anyways.... Don't remember where I was going so I'll just leave at I'm excited! I'm going out again tonight, this time with some old work friends! I'm excited! I like going out with people & having a good time. Then tomorrow I'm having breakfast with Jessica & Sam!! I love having plans with friends!! Yay! Ok I'm off to find something to do....

Why oh why

Sometimes I feel like I just don't matter. That's where I'm at right now. Today I took the day off thinking Gary & I could spend some time together. I tried to wake up around 9ish, but fell back asleep until 11. We decided to make breakfast, dink around, Gary would give plasma, & we would head to the river. I thought that was a good roadmap for the day. So while making breakfast Gary was playing wow & his part of breakfast showed it. We didn't get out of the house until just after 2. Giving plasma took an hour & a half. During which Scribbles & I went to Jeff's house so his son could play with Scribbles. It was fun, she gets kind of grouchy which I dont like. Gary called & we went to get him around 3:30. In my mind I was thinking that this day was off to a very late start, but I didn't say anything. We have not been to the river yet so we got kinda lost & ended up just going for a 2 hour drive. It was nice to get out & do something. Plus I like to explore new places & see whats out there. The river was pretty. I would like to go back & at least touch it or stop. So anyways when we got back we decided on fijitas for supper. I would make perdy much everything except the rice & to grate cheese. So away I went to cooking my part. I asked Gary how long the rice would take, he did not answer. I didn't think it was a big deal, he was busy with wow. I figured it would take 20 mintues like usual, Gary was ganna use the new rice cooker my dad got us. Which I have never used before & didn't know what to expect. Around the time I usually put the rice on I yelled to Gary, who was like 20 feet at max from me. He said ok, but did not come over to start it. I figured it was because the cooker would be faster than on the stove. My fijitas were about 15 mintues from being done, about 15 minutes after I asked Gary to start the rice, when I asked him about the rice. I didn't get a response, so I set out to figure out how to work the cooker. By the time I did I had forgettin about my cooking veggie mix & burned it a bit. Did not make me happy. I finished getting the fijitas put together, & Gary came over to do the rice. I told him I already had it in the cooker. So he went back to the game. I let Scribbles out & played with her a bit. It was time to get the cheese grated & I asked Gary if he was going to do it still. He didn't say anything to me so I did it myself. After I got it done & was puting the rice together he came over to do it. I told him it was done. He said sorry & went back to the game. I get feed up with having to wait for a break in the game or for him to get some kind of motivation to do anything besides play wow. He has been being very good lately about doing things, but at the same time its the same way it was. That doesn't make sense I know, but its how I feel. I went back down stairs after my shower & started to get the dishes done. He come over to help, but I told him I would do. It just makes me feel worse when I start to do something & he comes to take over. Like its a favor or something. Its not to me, he should do it himself instead of seeing me do & try to take over. If I would not have went down to finish cleaning the kitchen I would have came home from work tomorrow at 6pm to find it waiting for me with the addition of his dishes from the day. Today has been a moody day for me. I don't know if I should feel like I do or if I'm going to an extreme. I would just like to have Gary help me make supper or clean it up. I don't like having to do both. I tell him that I feel like I'm doing everything. Sometimes he tells me he feels like I am doing everything. I can't just sit around & watch my house get dirty & wait for him to decide its dirty enough to clean. It's not how I work. So in that sense I know that I am doing everything because my level of clean is higher than his. It makes me so upset to think that this could be the rest of my life. Cleaning up after someone else while he plays wow. The way we do the cleaning now is that who ever sees the mess takes care of it. I don't know if its worse or better. I'm still doing the greater part of the work, I just feel like I can't ask him to do anything. Grr I do feel happier with the way things are right now for the most part, but at the same time I feel powerless. Like if I do something he does not like he will break it off for good & I'll be homeless or stuck with paying full rent. I do love him, I just wish he could see that he is pushing me away & its tearing me apart. Well I feel much better getting that out. It feels like some pressure has been released. Thanks for reading & I'll try to be more upbeat!

Work

So I'm perdy much sick of working my summer job! I came home early today & I'm not going tomorrow. Gary has the day off so we are ganna do something! I hope we go to the river swimming or something fun! I really want to go school shopping, but I have to wait until Friday. Gary is going to Boise this weekend to see Andy. I want to go just cuz I like to travel, but I think Gary will have more fun without me & Scribbles. So I will probably be staying home unless plans change. I will be going to Twin Falls on the 16th so I don't know if I want to go on both trips anyways. I am so excited for Twin Falls! I have not seen Mar in a long time & it should be fun! Plus Alex is going to be there too! That's all I have for now!

Crappy night!

Gary running around with Scribbles on our walk.

Gary was dead asleep this morning! It was a long night for both of us!

I was trying to nap on the couch, so Scribbles decided to join me. My head was her bed.

Last night Gary & I decided to go out & have a few drinks, play some pool. I drank a bunch, which for me like only like max 5 beers! Anyways I almost went home with someone I didn't know. I tried to get Garys attention, I texted & called him, but he did not respond. So I left. Daniel talked to me on the walk home. I felt so scared. It was cold. My phone battery went dead so Dan called Gary, who came home. He was trying to call me, but I felt like he left me alone & I didn't want to talk to him. When he got home I cried for seriously 2 hours! It sucked. I feel that moments like last night bring Gary & I closer. I wish I would talk with him sometimes but I get sidetracked or other things come up. Then I just explode! My head hurts so bad. Oh well next time I will do better! I was playing pool perdy well last night. I was suprised!

I miss Alex really bad! I'm ganna be seeing her on the 16th when I got to my cousins wedding in Twin Falls. I'm excited! Mar is ganna be there too. It should be a fun time. I don't think I have anything else... Scribbles is getting big & loves to play fetch. I'm glad she likes fetch because I do! We took her for a walk last night & she really enjoyed it.

Lonely

My dad left today around 1. I've been sad ever since. I feel lonely & so does Scribbles. She keeps looking around & tries to go upstairs to find Alex & Gary. I cried a bunch today. I really miss them & it never gets easier to leave them or have them leave. Alex forgot a bag that has the Idaho shirt she just got. She really wanted one, but I couldn't find one. Then I went to the bookstore & found one. Well I'm tired & I'm ganna ride to pick up Gary from work on my sweet new bike, so I'm outie-mc-poutie.

Getting Sad

My dad is planning on leaving tomorrow or Friday. I don't want them to go!! I just realized that they will be almost 700 miles away from me by Saturday!! I always get sad & cry when they leave or when I come back up here. I'm already starting to cry! I hate to see them go. I feel like suck a baby! That's all I have to say, just wanted to get it out there. Oh & we went & tasted some wines today. I'm not a fan of wine!

Visitor!

My dad got here on Monday! I'm glad to have him here. So far we have just hung out & done some shopping. Today we went to Pullman & saw the bears. They always like to do that! Tomorrow we plan on going to the wine shops here in Moscow. Today I got new tires for my car & a new bike! I'm excited for both of them! My bike is purple & was a really good price! I was impressed. Hmm what else....... Gary has to work from 11pm to 5 or 7 am. I'm glad my dad is here cause I don't like to be here alone. I'm such a pansy! Scribbles went to have her first check up at the vet today. She got her second set of shots & some special shampoo. Her check up went very well. Nothing is wrong with her, so thats good! She didn't like the vet at first, but she was ok with it by the end of the visit. We also got her a kennel! It is freaking huge! She is scared of it. I took some cute pics of Scribbles & Alex in the kennel, but my camera's battery was low so I will have to post them later. Gary has started to call Scribbles dad's little girl! At first he wanted to be called Gary, but I think now he is dad. I think its cute! Well that's all for now!

Water Park

I'm kinda going crazy with this blog! Today we went to the water park. It was fun. Alex does so good. She tries to swim & goes on her own. It's so nice to not have her around my neck the whole time. Her favorite part is this little cricle that the water goes around. Alex sits in a tube & just goes around & around. It's perdy fun. That's what the pictures are from. I didn't wear sunscreen today so I could get some sun. I burned my back, but I should be fine in a few days. My dad left today & is staying the night in Missoula, so he will be here tomorrow afternoonish. Well that's all I have to tell.

Scribbles' Jump

Scribbles is ok. They could not find anything wrong with her. We just have to watch her for the next few days. I'm glad she is ok & it didn't cost as much as estimated! So I'm a little happier now. I'm making some lasagna. It's a new recipe so I hope it turns out good. I'm perdy positive that it will. Alex is such a good helper. She likes to do things & help when ever she can. She also likes to play with the leftover ingredients & make her own creations! Well I best go watch my poochie & get supper done!

Scribbles took a jump!

Scribbles jumped off the balcony today. We were waiting to go to the river & she put a hole in the screen & hit the ground. That was around 12:15. We took her to the clinic but they were closed. We stopped at Pets Are People Too & a lady there told me how to get the the WSU Vet place. She even called ahead for me. When we got there a nurse looked her over & nothing was obviously wrong. About 30 minutes later the Dr came & looked at her. She wanted to do xrays just to make sure. So we left Scribbles there & are waiting for them to call to come get her. It's ganna cost at least $250. That means rent will have to wait. It seems like we just get on track & something happens! Alex is playing with Scribbles' towel & baby. Alex usually runs with the towel & Scribbles runs behind. Now she just put Scribbles' baby on the towel & walks around. It's kinda sad. When we where at the Vet Scribbles was her normal self, just laying at our feet sleeping. I'm sure she is fine, I think she was just trying to get out of taking her bath today! I'll update as soon as we hear something.

My first blog

I have been looking at other peoples blogs for a while & never really thought of getting my own until tonight. I usually blog on myspace, but what the hey I'll try this for a while.

Today we were going to go to the water park because Alex had such a good time last Friday. So we got all ready & did some of Gary's shopping, but when we got to the park it was closed for the day! Alex was bummed out, & so was I!! I love the water & I love seeing Alex have fun. With the change of plans we decided to go get pizza & do grocery shopping. We then came home & chilled. While chilling Brian asked if we wanted to go to the river with them tomorrow. We talked it over & decided to skip out on our plans to go to the water park & Elk Falls to head to the river. We have never been to the river but Brian says it is fun & Alex will like it. Alex really likes Brian & Katie. I think its because of their boxers, Cuma & Balu. Everytime Alex hears the sliding doors she runs out to see what is going on. It's really cute!

My dad is ganna be here late Sunday or on Monday to get Alex. I'm ganna miss her! It's hard for me to remember her not being here, its like she has always been around. It has been really nice to have her here with Scribbles. They play so well together & Alex is a really big help. I always tell her that she is the big sister & needs to take care of Scribbles. I'm also excited for my dad to see my new apartment. I love this one just as much as my first apartment. If feels like home! I also love living with Gary. It is really hard sometimes because we have different standards of clean, but we are working on that! Plus wow gets in the way a lot! Like right now I'm waiting for him to finish this run so we can go to bed! He has been at it for almost 6 hours! Funnies thing just happened. I put Scribbles out to go to the bathroom & sat back down to type. She just came flying into the house & slide on the floor & hit into the counter! She cracks me up! She also likes to sit in front of the fan & lick at it. Funny stuff. Well I think that is all I have for tonight. I need to get some sleep!